to think 'sod it' and just have a baby anyway?

(375 Posts)
KentishWine Tue 07-May-13 19:32:19

We have no money, we live in a shit flat and I'm about to start a new job. It's a dreadful time to even be thinking about having a baby. But I'm 36 and the proverbial clock has been ticking for the last year. Its so bloody loud it's driving me insane. Our financial/housing situation won't improve until I'm at least 40. Not an ideal time to start trying for a baby (especially as my DM had an early menopause at 43). I want to do it now!

After rent, bills, debts etc, DH and I have about £500 left over each month for everything else. There's no way I can afford to be a SAHM, we'll both have to work FT so FT childcare is our only choice. This costs £1200 a month (London). We're short by £700! As far as I can work out, we're not eligable for tax credits etc as DH is subject to immigration control until 2015 (I'm British, he's Brazillian). We are eligable for £20/month child benefit, but that wouldn't even touch the sides.

It makes me so sad that we're too poor for a baby. By the time we're not too poor, it's likely to be too late. AIBU to just get pregnant and hope for the best? What's the worst that could happen?

KentishWine Tue 07-May-13 19:56:24

We aren't eligable for housing benefit as that's classed as public funds. Moving out of London isn't really an option as we're in niche careers and the opportunities don't really exist elsewhere. We have looked.

My siblings could help with childcare but probably only one day a week - and I'd want to pay something to them. My parents aren't in the UK and neither are DHs (they are also crazy but that's a different thread!)

I'm tempted to ask my parents for a loan that is paid back once we're earning more (in about 3 years) but I have no idea if that's appropriate!

Cakecrumbsinmybra Tue 07-May-13 19:58:14

If you want a child and your DM had an early menopause, then you really need to get on with it whether it's perfect timing or not.

everlong Tue 07-May-13 19:59:31

I can't believe people are actually saying go for it?

I think a loan from your parents would be very reasonable, if they have the money. Your financial problems are temporary, but you can't afford to wait - this is exactly the situation where a loan makes sense.

whatamardarse Tue 07-May-13 20:00:46

Really understand you on the ticking clock but I think you Abu .
Actively trying for a baby when you financially suffer will cause undue stress. Believe me baby things are not cheap. And if you do it with the knowledge that the government will help fund your choice then YADBU.

Massive cut backs for elderly, people who are genuinely ill are losing money are all ready being implemented we don't need more people relying on state benefits for support when they have put them selfs there.

Sorry .

diamondee Tue 07-May-13 20:01:34

Imo there's no perfect time to have a baby, there will always something that could be changed for the better first, something to wait for. If you look for it there will always be a reason not to start trying.
When having a baby, things aren't guaranteed. Jobs are lost, hours change etc but you just get on with it and manage.

MrsHoarder Tue 07-May-13 20:02:07

Btw you can't pay your siblings to look after your DC in their own house unless they are ofsted-registered.

Have you considered childminders? Do your employers generally permit doing 5 days work in 4?

And I hate to ask, but what will you do if next time your dh's visa comes up for renewal he is turned down? Has he definitely settled here permanently even if your marriage breaks down?

whatamardarse Tue 07-May-13 20:02:15

everlong me either but that the mentality of a lot if people.

Foosyerdoos Tue 07-May-13 20:03:31

If you started ttc it may be 2015 by the time your mat leave finishes and your Dh would no longer be under immigration control.

olgaga Tue 07-May-13 20:04:01

Well I grew up poor and as a consequence would not ttc until I knew we were comfortable enough.

But each to their own.

Surely the rules about benefits only apply to your DH, not you, if he's the one with the visa problem?

milkymocha Tue 07-May-13 20:05:00

People will disagree but i'd go for it too!

youmaycallmeSSP Tue 07-May-13 20:05:12

Why not everlong? It might take the OP a while to conceive and her family history is not looking good for being a 40+ mum. She's already getting on a bit in terms of fertility. Finances will be a squeeze but with good saving now and excellent budgeting it is doable. I'd prefer to have a child and be on a tight budget than wait for a possible better time and have left it too late.

expatinscotland Tue 07-May-13 20:07:43

YOU and your British child can receive tax credits, housing benefit, and everything else. YOU claim them and make sure it is known that your spouse cannot be part of it due to his immigration status. Also, once he has ILR he is a permanent resident and can claim.

Chunderella Tue 07-May-13 20:08:01

The position wrt public funds is that DH can't claim any, but the British citizen spouse can if entitled. People get confused, because when the rules changed in July 2012, income that you get from TCs etc stopped being counted for the purposes of showing you can meet the maintenance rules. You don't mention when he got his visa, but if it expires in 2015 I imagine he applied post July 2012, under the 'new' regime. If so, while you can claim tax credits in your own right, if your income is low enough for WTC or CTB you won't meet the maintenance requirements for when he needs to apply for ILR. That's because in order to sponsor a spouse, you need an income of £18,400 annually before tax, and you won't qualify for WTC with that.

If he did get his visa under the post July 2012 regime, you need to be very careful to make sure you can meet the maintenance requirements for when he applies for ILR in 2015. You can apply outside the Immigration Rules if necessary, but it's a colossal ballache.

As for timing, if it's now or never which it sounds like it might be, I'd do it and be prepared for a hard few years. It would also be worth considering whether a move to a cheaper area is viable.

KentishWine Tue 07-May-13 20:08:12

ever and what - can I ask what you would do? Would you abandon your dreams of a family?

DH is here because I am. His visa should be fine as long as I am earning more than £18k a year.

happyyonisleepyyoni Tue 07-May-13 20:09:21

Could you career change or move further out and commute to reduce housing costs and/or both work compressed hours (4 long days) so baby is only in paid childcare 3 days pw?
People do manage it, but my small town in commuter belt is full of families who have moved out of London as they couldn't afford to live there. You might find that cheaper housing costs plus one season ticket is still more affordable than living in London and paying for full time childcare. Eg You could rent a flat here for £600 PCM and season ticket about £300pcm. Kings Cross 40 minutes.

everlong Tue 07-May-13 20:09:31

Because they have no money, live in a shit flat ( OP's words ) don't expect their housing situation to improve for years.

Who is going to fund the baby right now? And long term if the OP's situation doesn't improve?

expatinscotland Tue 07-May-13 20:10:11

and yes, it might be more feasible for him to be a SAHD.

Jan49 Tue 07-May-13 20:11:15

Could you cut your costs by moving to within commuting distance of London? That might be a way of reducing your mortgage/rent.

KentishWine Tue 07-May-13 20:14:09

happy that is a good idea and we will have to investigate if more. Although I think in our circumstance we wouldn't save that much money as we walk to work now so no travel costs. It is worth more investigating.

everlong Tue 07-May-13 20:14:44

OP I don't think I would have a child in your situation, no.

I see it a lot on here. Mums with no money, hating where they live, hating the fact they can't pay the basic bills let alone have a life. It's sad to read.

Babies cost money. Forever.

I'm sorry you're in this situation and I hope things improve for you so you're able to start a family. But I'm just being honest.

Cloverer Tue 07-May-13 20:16:13

MrsHoarder - close relatives don't have to Ofsted registered to care for neices/nephews/grandchildren.

OP, go for it - something will work out. Loads of poor people manage to have babies (including me!). If you have to you'll have to move somewhere cheaper, one of you give up work, find a more family friendly job etc.

You could get a new job, move somewhere cheaper and your DH be a SAHD if necessary.

Sunnyshores Tue 07-May-13 20:19:37

How about becoming a childminder? You could then get paid whilst looking after another couple of children too.Wouldnt recommend it unless you love children, I imagine it gets very loud!!

TSSDNCOP Tue 07-May-13 20:20:04

Sorry, I'm with Everlong.

It's one thing that none of us can see the future when we have children. Anyone's circumstances can change and there should be a net in those cases.

But this is a choice based on the certain knowledge of current circumstances and only suppositions about things improving in future.

MummytoKatie Tue 07-May-13 20:24:45

You mention debt repayments. How much do you owe and when will they be paid off? Will paying them off release the extra money you need?

Is there any chance that either / both of you can work some extra hours over the next few months (either in your current jobs or by taking a second job?) Not sure what employment is like where you are so it may not be feasible. I'm thinking that if you could have a really really horrible 6 months where you both work every hour you can then you might be able to clear some debt and magic up some extra cash before the ttcing.

Plus - are you saving your spare £500 each month. You'll need money for maternity leave.

Have you tried posting a SoA on the Debt Free Wannerbe page of MSE? There are people there who will be able to help you cut your spending amazingly. (It's pretty harsh just to warn you.)

I guess what I'm saying is that you shouldn't wait until 40 but you do need to have a plan.

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