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To let this make me feel sick to the stomach

(67 Posts)
Worriedmumofan8yearoldgirl Mon 06-May-13 22:39:27

I know I am being incredibly paranoid but this has seriously stopped me sleeping. I've had the horrendous realisation that my children at no point have ever consented to me sharing their images with my friends and family on the Internet or indeed entering their images into competitions or onto forums etc.

I have removed the choice from them to have their childhood photos shared with people. I have removed their right to anonymity and privacy.

This isn't a paedo scare by any stretch its my realisation of what an invasion of their space me sharing these photos with people is, and indeed allowing friends and family to take and share these photos.

I'd hate it, and indeed do, if people share old photos of me, so what gives me the right to take that choice from my children.

I sound like a right paranoid nut job don't I but this has seriously been worrying me for a while now and made me want to remove all trace of them from the Internet where I can, but I've forgotten passwords, used old email addresses etc.

I know iabu here but please help me try and rationalise my thinking!

Maryz Mon 06-May-13 23:10:44

Misknit has a point.

As the youngest of five, dh doesn't have a single baby photo of himself. He has one taken at his First Communion, and then nothing until I met him when he was 23.

It's very sad really - he has no record of his childhood at all.

I, on the other hand, have lots of photos of my childhood, most of which I hate.

So it's swings and roundabouts. Surely there is a middle ground - no ugly or jokey photos, no naked or tantrummy photos, be a little careful of how much you admit to online.

squeakytoy Mon 06-May-13 23:28:37

"With everything being searchable it's concerning that by the time they enter the world of work, you can sling their names into google and get their entire life in all it's photographic glory"

But you cant. Your children are not tagged by their names with a facebook account, and if your accounts are securely set, then nobody can just "access" them.

There are hundreds of photos of me on my and my friends facebook accounts, including tagged photos, but if you put a google search in, not one of those photos shows.

GibberTheMonkey Tue 07-May-13 00:16:21

I only post nice pictures of my children and now they're older (6/8/10) I ask if I can post them. They rarely say no and if they do then I don't post them. I tend to only put positive family things on fb though, if you include cute pictures of toddlers in saucepans grin

Morloth Tue 07-May-13 00:18:12

I have always kind of thought this.

We don't put any up ourselves and whilst I don't have a rule for other people, there aren't any (that I know about) of them up alone - so they are in some party pics and stuff like that, but not under their names.

I don't really feel that it is my decision to make and it is easy enough not to.

We have plenty of photos of the boys, and they have been emailed etc, but they are not intentionally shared by us.

This is a happy medium for us.

loopydoo Tue 07-May-13 00:24:31

We don't put any up to date pics of the kids online....there are a couple of them as babies/toddlers n FB but only because they are pretty much unrecognisable to what they look like now.

However, this is due to my husband's job in the armed forces. We are told categorically not to put any pics of our children online for family security and safety. Most forces families ignore this and do it anyway but we have been very strict about not doing it.

I guess it's what about what your children want. If they old enough to be asked, then ask them. And remove ones they don't like that you already posted prior to asking.

loopydoo Tue 07-May-13 00:25:43

Forgot to mention,that I would never post it's of other people's children without their permission and in the past have asked friends to remove pics of ours children that they may have posted on FB.

Alisvolatpropiis Tue 07-May-13 00:25:45

I can see where you are coming from. It's something I've thought about observing Facebook friends uploading all sorts of photos of their children (naked ones for example). It's a modern issue though and it's true that the children might not care. But then again they might do.

I don't think it would upload photos of my own children,when I have them.

maddening Tue 07-May-13 05:25:50

But people used to share photos printed on paper - passed out copies and passed round photo albums? Unless you have people who are strangers on fb and really low security settings then I don't see the difference.

MammaTJ Tue 07-May-13 05:32:25

My DD will say when I am taking a photo of her 'Is this going on facebook?'.

I ask if she wants it to and she loook at it and decides. I respect her wishes.

She is 7.

DS doesn't care. He is 6 and very laid back anyway. I have no photos of him as a newborn as he was born with a black eye and it was closed. I was told it would get better and was waiting for that to happen before taking pics. It didn't, he has ptosis, so his eye does not open properly.

catgirl1976 Tue 07-May-13 07:29:19

We live in a digital age now

I really don't think they will think anything of it as they grow

Sharing our lives on-line is the norm now. It will certainly be the norm to our children

Hiddenbiscuits Tue 07-May-13 07:38:16

OP i actually had the same thoughts a while ago, realised i didn't actually know half the people on my FB yet was sharing pics of DD with them. People from school 15 years ago, friends of friends i had met once etc... It bothered me so i left. If i do rejoin i will just have closest friends and family rather than in effect strangers

Tee2072 Tue 07-May-13 07:41:55

You make decisions for your children every day. That's what being a parent is about.

If you want pictures up, then have them up. If you don't, then don't.

But don't make it about upsetting your children while they are still children. Surely you do a lot of things that upset them as that's being a good parent?

If your daughter has body issues, she's going to have them whether there are pictures on the internet or not. Deal with that. I think you're clouding a much bigger issue, her body image issues, with a minor issue of pictures on the internet.

Would it make you feel better if you knew for certain that she wouldn't care less? If not, it does sound like a deeper issue.

fluffyraggies Tue 07-May-13 08:24:41

OP i think you raise a valid point and as other posters have proved you're not the only parent to have these concerns.

I think maybe the anxiety you are feeling about your DD right now has heightened your worry about the issue, but i don't think your basic concerns are hysterical or OTT at all.

I think you have done the right thing by acting as best you can to limit the pictures released, and know that it is something you will bare in mind in the future. This should allay your anxiety, and make you feel more in control.

FWIW neither DH or i are on face book, and have never posted any photos of ourselves or the kids on the internet. Family and friends may well have, but they will be few and far between. My eldest DD (20) was pretty miffed a few months ago to hear that a rotten photo of her had been posted on FB by a friend of a friend. DD2 of my 3 is the only one who is on FB, and she is there only to chat with her BF. They don't do pics.

We're normal people, and we lead normal lives. We're just not available to view online smile

Stinkyminkymoo Tue 07-May-13 08:37:04

Whilst I think you are overreacting with your distress, I think YANBU to be aware of your DCs privacy. We don't have any photos of our DD on FB as she might not be happy when she's older to have pics of her all over the Internet.

I've seen some photos on FB that make me a bit shock including one of a friends baby that was still covered in vagina grease FFS! I'd be mortified if that was me!

Still, if other people wish to post photos of their DCs that's their choice but I do ask people not to post pics of my DD though this gets ignored and I have to ask them to remove the photos and explain why

Stinkyminkymoo Tue 07-May-13 08:47:46

Just caught up on the thread to see your dd had body issues so now understand your distress.

It's also worth noting that just because you delete a photo off fb doesn't mean that it has been deleted and that bothers me too.

MiaowTheCat Tue 07-May-13 08:53:51

"I don't know anybody who has ever objected to people seeing pictures of them from when they were children."

The bastard schoolfriend who scanned in the photos of me with a hideous 80s perm that was veeering more toward afro territory needs stabbing with a blunt pencil (lightheartedly). These days even old fashioned print photos come back to haunt you as there's always someone bored with a scanner and time on their hands to make sure your teenage fashion mistakes get documented online for all posterity.

It's just the way the world's gone - but I think there's a large space now for mentally censoring what photos you keep and upload since it's not only so accessible - but tagging photos mean it's directly linked to you (I never tag photos). I don't think future employers would quibble over the cute photo of you in your knickers in the paddling pool in the garden... but I think that it means parents owe it to their kids to NOT put on things like first poo photos, placenta and all sorts of other oversharing and I think it needs mentioning fairly heavily to kids as they're hitting the age of getting mobile phones with cameras etc (my mum drummed into me even before this - never ever ever let a guy take photos of you naked as they'll ALWAYS hang over you... stuff like this is more vital than ever now) - but normal childhood photos I don't worry about too much - I just like to have control over what's posted of my girls, I know what the privacy's like on my account - I don't know what the privacy's set like on the accounts of their grandparents, uncles, aunts and whatever.

MoominsYonisAreScary Tue 07-May-13 09:01:38

miaow yep same thing happened to me, lovely perm for all to see.

Ds1 is 18 and doesn't care what photos i add, although i do make sure they are nice ones!

elmerelephant Tue 07-May-13 09:08:00

I do think it is a possible issue, especially if you have an unusual name, I now have a bog standard name, so if anyone googles me, there are thousands of hits, but my naiden name is a different matter, only my family have it. If I still had that name I would be very careful of what I posted online.

Patchouli Tue 07-May-13 09:11:13

I don't put pictures up of my DD's for the very reason that they have no say in it. There are a couple out there - but only ones that are public anyway: local paper / school sports etc.

I know that 80s perm grin and wouldn't want every Tom Dick & Harry looking through my childhood family album.

MiaowTheCat Tue 07-May-13 09:18:32

So basically we're all agreed that the 80s just needs obliterating from history in general.

rambososcar Tue 07-May-13 09:28:11

Patchouli? confused You don't put up photos because your children have no say in it? Young children have no say on whether they go to Sainsbury's with their parents, whether they wear a red or a blue coat which may not be flattering. That's what parents do, make decisions in which children have no say.

I'm trying to say what Tee has here btw, that this is a minor thing clouding a bigger issue for the OP.

I'm taking it that few of the parents with concerns have teenagers? When they get to that age they are the ones plastering far more photos over the net than any parent!

MoominsYonisAreScary Tue 07-May-13 09:34:19

ram not to mention their friends, there's always some dodgy looking picture of ds1 being posted by his friends after a weekend out

GreenLeafTea Tue 07-May-13 09:38:21

On a Facebook page for a village I used to live in, someone uploaded a photo with me in it that was taken about 25 years ago. Another person named everyone in the picture and yes, my 14 year old self looked bloody awful.

It really doesn't bother me though. It's just a photo and I say this as someone who was a very camera-shy teen.

Patchouli Tue 07-May-13 09:51:23

Well to be fair I'm not particularly into social media anyway.
Mumsnet is about the only thing I go on.
Twitbook etc don't really appeal to me.

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