To think my husband is a borderline alcoholic

(57 Posts)
birdinatent Mon 06-May-13 21:02:25

I have issues with DH drinking, as he cant just have a social drink, he has to drink himself unconcious, not every night and it doesnt affect work, and he doesnt drink during the day usually, but enough to really piss me off.

well we went to a family party yesterday in a posh hotel. We walked there with our 3 kids, and stopped at 2 pubs on the wave for a "flyer" I was paranoid how much he would drink before we even landed as a couple of drinks and you can tell, he starts to slur slightly and his behavour changes. Anyway he only had a pint and a half and was fine when we got to the venue.

first round there however, and we both order gin and tonic, he a double, he flew into a rage after he had handed me mine and then said I had picked the wrong one up and it was the double and I had put too much tonic in and it was ruined. I honestly couldnt see the problem but he was almost panicking that he didnt have the double. He calmed down after a minute, but then spent huge amounts of time away from the table ordering wine for the meal, he got me a glass of red, and himself a bottle of white. They poured his white and then put the bottle in an ice bucket, at the other end of the table from us and he was panicking again, saying it was his bloody wine and they had no right to put it anywhere other than next to his glass. Honestly it was embarrassing. I think he has a problem, he disagrees and says I am controlling and a nag.
what does anyone else think please?

happyAvocado Mon 06-May-13 21:04:35

does he drink every day?
can he go without drink for a week or two?

moondog Mon 06-May-13 21:04:59

Borderline?
Full blown more like.

Earlybird Mon 06-May-13 21:05:09

Based on what you've written, he has a problem.

Most alcoholics think they don't have a problem, fwiw.

Has he always been this way, or has it changed recently?

doesn't sound good birdinatent

but in my experience, you won't change him if he doesn't want to

the big question is - how/what are you going to change?

hearthwitch Mon 06-May-13 21:06:38

It sounds like he has a problem and needs to get help. if he is drinking himself unconcious and rowing with you over which drink is his then yes.

birdinatent Mon 06-May-13 21:08:38

he has always "liked a drink" but I think it has got worse over time.
The trouble is I like to drink too, but 2 glasses of wine and I'm happy, he cant seem to enjoy it unless he get smashed. Its making me so tense and unhappy, we cant enjoy a drink at home without it turning into a full blown session.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 21:09:45

borderline ?

no

he insisted on having a pub crawl with your 3 kids in tow ?

oh dear

get yourself along to Al Anon, love and start disengaging from his problems

thenightsky Mon 06-May-13 21:11:22

He sounds exactly like my friends DH, who is a raging alcoholic and has dropped out of treatment so many times now we've all given up hope sad

The way he panics if separated from his double and his bottle summed it up for me.

cory Mon 06-May-13 21:13:34

It's not just the drinking, is it? The panic is a bad, bad sign.

Bobyan Mon 06-May-13 21:15:19

I bet he is drinking everyday...

birdinatent Mon 06-May-13 21:15:46

oh god, what can I do? He doesnt want to even talk about it, just gets angry with me if I try and bring it up. We went to the doctors a few months ago when things were really bad, and I tried telling her, she told me to stop buying wine!! as if he cant go and buy his own! she just said he was a bit of a binge drinker, while I was crying in the surgery saying I couldnt take it anymore.

CoalDustWoman Mon 06-May-13 21:15:57

I wouldn't be so sure that he doesn't drink during the day. Stopping at 2 pubs seems like topping up to me.

Al anon for sure. There is a forum for friends and families of alcoholics on the Sober Recovery website that has some good sticky posts.

I'm so sorry. It's grim.

Bowlersarm Mon 06-May-13 21:16:29

I like a drink, but he sounds way over the top. I don't think it's normal not to be able to share because it's 'his' allocated amount.

He needs to see it as a problem though, to do anything about it.

ImagineJL Mon 06-May-13 21:16:53

He's an alcoholic, no question about it. I'm a GP and I see a lot of alcoholism. He won't address it until he's ready, but as AF said you need to contact Al Anon so you can get some information and plan what you want to do. As well as upsetting you, he's affecting your kids. Awful situation for you.

birdinatent Mon 06-May-13 21:17:38

I dont think he is drinking everyday, cos I can tell quite quickly when he has had a drink. He is an all or nothing kind of bloke, and he could be breathalised at work so wont drink before he goes on shift etc.

Helpyourself Mon 06-May-13 21:18:07

sad not borderline, no...
Get yourself to Al anon. It doesn't have to be this way, but he definitely has to realise it himself.

ImagineJL Mon 06-May-13 21:18:59

Also I doubt he starts to slur after a couple of drinks. I suspect that's the first drinks of the day that you've seen. There will have been other drinks during the day that have been secret, hence why he appears to be slurring so quickly.

CoalDustWoman Mon 06-May-13 21:19:41

And when he was away from the table, i bet he was getting another one in at the bar.

He's a classic.

AnyFucker Mon 06-May-13 21:19:55

alcoholics don't necessarily drink every day, so don't explain this away on that basis

his drinking is affecting his family life and relationships

ergo, he has a problem with drink

if he won't admit it...then even more so

it's not your problem though

it is his

PenelopePortrait Mon 06-May-13 21:23:48

bird he is an alcoholic. That is his problem. You need to start looking after yourself. He won't want to talk about it and he will get angry, that will be another excuse to have a drink. You cannot reason with an alcoholic. They cannot control their drinking, not for you, not for your DC's, not for anyone or anything. Stop trying.

anyfucker is correct. Get your self to Alanon and learn how to help yourself. Do not join in with his game anymore. There is no way for YOU to help him.

You didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

PenelopePortrait Mon 06-May-13 21:26:39

bird my DH held down a responsible job for 30 years, he was a functioning alcoholic. He eventually stopped functioning and hit rock bottom. But not until I stopped joining in, enabling him, arguing, pleading, crying, trying to control his drinking (what an idiot).

When I started to get better, so did he.

Doinmummy Mon 06-May-13 21:26:54

Yes he is an alcoholic I'm afraid. I agree, get help for yourself. You cannot help him. sad

HollyBerryBush Mon 06-May-13 21:28:45

My brother is a dry alcoholic, been dry for 20 years.

Alcoholism isn't as clear cut as a 'need', daily or other wise. Within the AA fraternity they define themselves differently according to need.

Eg my brother wasn't a daily drinker, or even a weekly drinker, he was a payday drinker, resulting in 3 day black out benders until it was gone.

His then partner will tell you she is not an alcoholic but a drunk - and just so you know (coz I don't know the difference either) a drunk is not an alcoholic (might be a bit of denial there) it's someone who cant control it when they start to drink but aren't reliant on it.

Their friend is a top up drinker. Gets absolutely plastered after leaving work at 4, totally shit faced by 8, in bed, gets up does a days work (half cut with what's still in his system), but gets the need for a drink by 2pm, counts the hours until he can top up at 4 again.

Alcoholics do not all have to be carrying round flasks and putting sherry on their cornflakes or constantly swigging

True marker of an alcoholic - watch the relief when they have that first drink - then you know someone who has a crutch to lean on.

God, my XP was like that. Alcohol was a fucking nuisance. He became paranoid, awkward and violent and had to drink until he passed out. I am ashamed to say I was relieved every time he passed out because I knew his binge was over.
Family members tried to intervene and help, but he took not the slightest bit of notice. He was a living nightmare.
His drinking got as it was every night, and he ended up getting banned from driving (third time) so I ended up carting him round everywhere with a baby. He used to send me out to all night off licences for more booze and I'm ashamed further to say that I enabled his drinking by doing this, but if I hadnt He would have kicked off with me.
He assaulted me 3 times that I reported to the Police, and many slaps, kicks and punches in between.
He actually beat me up when I was 7 months pregnant and kicked off on the Maternity Ward because he had drunk a bottle of vodka beforehand.
I will never ever forgive him for what he has done.
When I booted his sorry drunken arse out of our house he was a mess, all apologies and false promises.
And yes youv guessed it, hes still on the ale sad
Its our little boy I feel sorry for.

OP, I'm not making your DH out like my X, but from what youv said he needs help. Its awful whn you know theyre going to end up smashed sad

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