Long term crush on colleague

(129 Posts)
Iamanananas Wed 01-May-13 22:31:51

I have been married with DW for over 2 years, with her for more than 10. Things have not been great for a while. Not completely sure when it started but I reached a point when I lost all my confidence at home. I started to have a crush on my colleague almost 2 years ago. she is in a long term relationship with DB and I don't think she has even realised I like her. I started counselling a few months ago as the crush did not stop and my relationship with DW was not Improving. The crush started quite a while after the realisation that my relationship was not going the right way and i never had a crush until I met her. I know that DC is unreachable but I cannot stop thinking about her all the time. The more i go to counselling the stronger my feelings for DC become. it hurts so much and the guilt feeling is so intense!! I have not done anything wrong (yet) and, in some ways, I am proud of it and I am really trying to get thing working with DW. I'm so fed up to feel like this, and really feel abnormal in some ways. Has anybody been in a similar situation?

LittleMissLucy Thu 02-May-13 17:42:59

Ah I am sorry I thought you had a small child. Without the strains of that you're already in a bit of a sorry place together. I don't see how starting a family would help it and it could make it worse...

I would actually suggest considering the possibility of splitting up. Couples therapy would help you with either eventuality - staying together or parting ways.

LimitedEditionLady Thu 02-May-13 18:37:56

In answer to should you tell your crush.
Absolutely not.
You clearly want to stay in that job and it is completely unprofessional and would be really arkward for her and yourself and from.then on she might misconstrue the way you act and things you say.i was tryibg to determine if it was a fantasy because i think if it wasnt shed have surely picked up on it.
I think its time you stopped basing this on your crush,its a crush,this is not why your relationship doesnt work.people find other people attractive and endearing,thats fine,its not fine to blame your problems on it.
You need to find that spark with your wife again.go on dates,go on holiday.get out of the humdrum.dont bicker over little things,choose your battles,you need to create calm between you.
Tell her shes beautiful and tell her the things you love about her.she might be offish at first as you have been fighting but its worth the effort.

HullMum Thu 02-May-13 18:43:10

get a new job

maddening Thu 02-May-13 20:50:55

do you think that this crush started around the time you felt distanced from dw? Do you think it was a cause or symptom? It sounds like your dw is closed off as she feels v hurt - like a child with her fingers in her ears going "lalala I can't hear you".

Do you want the relationship with your dw to work? Or do you think you are sabotaging it to give yourself permission to go after the crush?

do you still love your wife? What about her attracted you to her? Is any of that still there?

would you try couple's counselling rather than therapy focusing on the crush?

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 20:53:36

To time toast: I'm thinking about couple therapy but I feel to need to get the crush thing sorted out first. DW is not against it though. The letter may be a good idea. The crush has been there for almost 18 months. Why do I like her? We get on well, she is obviously pretty (I remain a man!) and fundamentally I have this strange feeling we would work well with each other. I am quite sure that she liked a lot once she started working with me but, at that time, I did not want to push things further as I thought she was only a crush, that it would go away and prioritising my DW was the right to do. Unfortunately the crush did not go away.

To limited edition: here is the problem, I do try to make her feel special by buying presents/flowers regularly and I tell her she is beautiful everyday ( and she is). But it is never enough it seems. I think she is so anxious about our relationship that I am in a place of no return and it feels that whatever I do it will never be enough.

maddening Thu 02-May-13 20:57:40

I would feel anxious if I was your wife - she must sense that for sure.

if she left you tomorrow how would you feel (ignoring the crush)

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 21:14:34

Unfortunately for you, your wife has picked up that you are not madly in love with her any more. Your crush started about 2 years ago, just after you got married (what's that about then?), whereupon you lost interest in her as your romantic partner. No wonder she is not reassured, for the past two years instead of being thrilled to be married to her, you have been pining over someone else. She may well suspect this unless you are the world's best liar. So, forget the flowers and telling her she's beautiful, actually you spend all your time mooning over someone else who you believe you are in love with and I feel very very sorry for your wife; she is perhaps wondering where the hell the man she married has gone.

Your wife does not sound bad whatsoever, your worst complaint is 'she always wants to be right' (so do 90% of the population, i certainly do!)This is not a reason to leave her or for your marriage to fail! You need to decide if she is the woman for you, if not for god's sake put her out of her misery, making a life with a man in love with someone else is a pretty horrid way to live and you owe her more than that.

I think you are wrong you can't leave your job, I honestly think this is the best course of action if you can't stop this crush (which is bordering on obessive unrequited love, not the same as fancying Jonny Depp on a Sat night in a movie really). Or put it this way- if you stay, your wife will continue to feel distanced and worry you are leaving (which is true) and you will continue to moon over this lady.

Your marriage sounds perfectly saveable, workable, you don't seem to want to try, frankly and are being somewhat indulgent in your crush. I'm not unsympathetic to a point, I've had crushes (who hasn't) and enjoyed them for what they are, but really, if I thought a crush was threatening my marriage, I would change myself, my job, and avoid the person if I really felt so uncontrollably about them.

quoteunquote Thu 02-May-13 21:15:25

When you first met your wife what did you do together for fun, what was your fun?

and do you still do what ever that was together?

I do and don't mean sex,

if sex is the only thing you ever did together for fun you are in trouble anyway, what did you get up to when you were hanging out?

It takes a hell of a lot of hard work to make a relationship last, it only gets better and better, if you nurture it, if you work at it,

you are right you do need to drop the crush, and you do need to focus on your relationship.

stop killing your relationship.

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 21:18:54

And- just in case you are in doubt, don't wait for the crush to subside before you start working on your marriage (couples therapy, just being interested, doing things together, going away etc). Your crush is rampant precisely because you are pouring all your emotional energy into this fantasy and not into your real life, and your wife (rightly) has realised you are distanced and unavailable and is reacting to that.

There is a saying: fake it til you make it. Don't give your wife flowers or a mealy mouthed compliment (given you clearly find the other woman more attractive): get therapy together, work on the relationship, take her out for dinner and really listen to her, have fun, take up a hobby. It's only by starting to reengage with your real life that will make your fantasy life receede.

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 21:19:33

My heart tells me to try to "seduce" my crush and start everything again with her.

My head tells me that my heart is a knob, that my colleague is not attracted by me, that I have been with DW for 10 years, we achieved great things together and that this bad period will hopefully get better.

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 21:27:07

Iamananas I don't think you are hearing what some of us are saying and you do love talking about your crush rather too much, which is why the therapy isn't helping. There's no sign this lady likes you, and you are building your life on a fantasy and you are not engaging with your real-life.

PlasticLentilWeaver Thu 02-May-13 21:30:54

Hullmum got there before me.

Get a new job.

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 21:32:45

Point taken! I just don't know how to make myself happy in my relationship anymore and feels stuck.

hely84 Thu 02-May-13 21:35:37

My heart tells me to try to "seduce" my crush and start everything again with her.

OP - what makes you think your crush would want to "start everything again with you", espcially if you haven't said anything to her?

LittleMissLucy Thu 02-May-13 21:36:50

I think you're being a bit unfair to your wife and a bit of a self-indulgent arse, truth be told.

BOF Thu 02-May-13 21:42:32

"I gave a lot away for this relationship and it gave me a lot back."

What do you mean by this exactly? Did you leave somebody else to pursue your wife?

Lilica02 Thu 02-May-13 21:46:45

We just know when someone like us ... come on!! Is just sad to hear that this crush is being going on for 18 months!!! Tooo long! You should sort your life out ... if you feel that you like this DC that much ... first you should end your marriage, be fair and then go take this so high risk !!!

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 21:49:07

In your op you say you "lost all confidence at home". Why?

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 21:50:16

You are using a crush at work like a woman might possibly read a romantic novel - neither of them are real or true.

maddening Thu 02-May-13 21:52:04

I think then that you have been sabotaging your marriage so you are free to pursue the crush - who is in a relationship already. I think much of what you criticise your wife for has arisen from your detatching from the marriage causing anxiety for your wife.

I think you owe it to your wife to fully explore whether your relationship is still there and worth saving - separately from this crush - I think move from therapy (indulgent musings on crush) to couples therapy.

I think you should do this soon so if the conclusion is that your marriage is over then you aren't wasting any more of your wife's life while you stare wistfully across the office.

I think that you owe it to her to make a real effort and if no joy a clean break before you go seducing anyone - to do otherwise would be really spineless on your behalf.

dogsandcats Thu 02-May-13 21:53:28

This may make you feel sad.

Agree with others. You need to concentrate on your marriage, and see if that is salvagable.

I do agree with you that if she is shutting you off emotionally, then there is a problem.
But if you take you concentration of the woman at work, hopefully your wife will notice and you may then be able to have a heart to heart.
And at some point, it may be a good idea to go away together alone for a few days, to see how you both feel.

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 22:08:57

I don't think the counselling is just to speak about the crush. I really try to make sense of all of it. I unfortunately do not have anybody to speak about this and really thought that counselling was a good idea. I even did some last year and stopped because the counsellor seemed to be too much on my side.

If I am at the stage of writing on mums et, it is because I really try hard. I am not shy with effort and tends to be very hard with myself.

All your views are very interesting though and are helpful.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 22:10:59

OP, you sound like a whining, self entitled moron with the emotional intelligence of a cockroach

Leave your wife, for her sake

You fucked up someone else's life to be with her after all, didn't you ?

Make a move on your colleague...you deserve the utter humiliation that will engender

You might be lucky to keep your job....you certainly won't hold on to anything else like the respect of the people around you and any credibility as a halfway decent person at all

LimitedEditionLady Thu 02-May-13 22:19:21

i still maintain she,the crush,must know.what did you mean with start everything again with your crush?what are you starting again?
you said you "cant make yourself happy in your relationship"yes,you are very right.you cant make yourself happy in it.
you know exactly your decision.
i think theres things you arent saying here and you are making it seem tangled
but not as tangled as it truly is.

maddening Thu 02-May-13 22:22:41

but your counselling hasn't been focusing on your marriage has it?

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