To stop DP going on lads holiday???

(369 Posts)
MummytobeDC2 Wed 01-May-13 12:49:01

DP and I are in our twenties, and I am 13+5 pregnant, due in November. His friends have decided to book a weeks holiday end of August, start of Sept... DP asked if I would mind him going and I said yes as il be 7months gone I have DS to previous relationship so will need the help and money etc... He got upset etc and made me feel exceptionally guilty. So me being me said he should go for a long weekend and come home before his friends, stay 3nights, that way we are both happy! His mother advised us "he should go as it will be his last" and he keeps repeating that now complaining after agreeing to the long weekend he wants to go for the week!

First of all I will be 7months, I have DS I need help with and the money would benefit the baby, flights and accommodation are costing £300 and spending money, well, at least 2weeks wages! We are far from flush!

AIBUR????

Please tell me I'm not insane? shock

GoingUpInTheWorld Sat 04-May-13 11:44:25

If you know you are being reasonable in not letting dp go on holiday, then why are you asking if you are being unreasonable, when you clearly dont think you are being.

As i ve said in a previous post further back yanbu in any way.

CherylTrole Sat 04-May-13 12:36:42

LaQueen no I am not that extreme, thats just a silly statement. But I refuse to fill my time/ do all childcare whilst my DH pisses off on a lads trip. I am not a doormat. Thankfully my DH doesnt put me in this ridiculous position anyway. What is so wrong with spending time with your family?? A lot of DHs seem to want to run to the hills all the time, I wonder why??
OP hope you get everything resolved. Sorry you have had some posters talking down to you from their ivory towers and trying to justify things in their lives that they are secretly not happy with.......

LaQueen Sat 04-May-13 17:04:08

I don't think it's anymore of a silly statement than you asking, why marry someone if you want to spend some time away from them...is it?

I think the fundemental key here is balance. Both parties have to feel (fairly) happy with their lot, and to feel that they're getting what they want/need out of the relationship.

It doesn't have to be exactly equally weighted every single day - sometimes you might take more, and him give less, or vice versa. But, overall, over the course of the year, it should work out fairly equal.

Soooo, if your DH likes the occasional weekend away, then that's fine so long as you also get what you want. Now, that might not necessarily mean you also want a weekend away (for whatever reason).

But, whatever it is you do want to do - your DH should definitely support you in it. Whether that means him providing the childcare, or cutting back on his personal spending that week/month to allow you to do XYZ.

So, no ivory towers, here...just over 20 years of experience, of my own relationship, and observing others, and what I think makes a good relationship work smile

LaQueen Sat 04-May-13 17:14:53

"laqueen but in away you are being the same in stating that you believe in time apart. Everyone is different."

ledkr - yes, of course they are.

That's why it's imperative, that you ensure you're with someone who has very similar expectations/outlook to you.

In the case of the OP -if her DP has been the type to enjoy regular breaks away, with his friends (and, yes possibly be quite selfish by nature, at times) - then obviously that's the type of bloke he is.

I think the OP is going to have a real battle on her hands, trying to get him to change now, just because she is pregnant.

When I got together with DH, I saw that he would always be the type to want the occasional weekend away playing golf/watching rugby. And, I accepted that, and was happy with it (as I like my own space, too, sometimes).

And, more importantly, I have never tried to stop him, or get him to change how he is (and vice versa). I wouldn't want to. I liked how he was 22 years ago...and I still like how he is today.

If I'd have tried to change him, or stop him doing what he loved (and vice versa) - it would have made us both so miserable, and our lives would have been so stressful.

I chose him...just like he chose me - no one held a gun to our heads, and forced us to be together.

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 04-May-13 17:19:56

I agreed with the Op, with a baby on the way I think that sort of money going out of the family budget is unsustainable, unless they are very wealthy.
My ex went on a ski-ing holiday when I was 5 months pregnant, when ds was 2 I went to the Canaries with my ds and sister and her dd.
We liked different things.
I did get deleted earlier for saying that Op's responses to those that disagreed with her were very rude.
I stand by that.

Leavenheath Sat 04-May-13 18:17:20

Yes but lots of people are the 'type' to like weekends away, but not whole weeks away at a time when it's going to cause inconvenience to a partner struggling with small children/late pregnancy, when there is insufficient money to pay for it.

Budget. Timing. OP's specific circumstances.

Again.

LaQueen Sat 04-May-13 18:23:53

Leaven yes, I see what you mean...but, if you're the type to like a weekend away, then really it's not that much of a stretch to go away for 6/7 days, as opposed to 3 days, really?

I do agree with you though, that squandering their budget is out of order, especially if there's little chance of the OP being able to spend a similar amount on herself in the short to medium term.

Leavenheath Sat 04-May-13 18:40:19

Going away for a week depends on lots of factors. If it leaves one person at home who's without support, is coping with a small child/children single-handed and is incapacitated for any reason (I was so huge at 7 months I couldn't drive) then it's a very selfish thing to do.

Personally neither DH nor I ever wanted to be away from eachother or the kids for more than a 4-day stretch and it was always a pain in the arse if we had to be away longer for work, so we'd never have actively chosen that sort of absence.

But there's just no way we would ever have considered any break away for just one of us in the OP's circumstances. I just can't imagine how selfish you'd have to be to have had 4 jollies in the space of a year when a partner's had none - and then want to go away for another week when the timing's so bad and the budget is so stretched.

CherylTrole Sat 04-May-13 21:42:16

Agree with you totally Leavenheath grin If the OPs DP was being fair he would just forget about his jolly. Perhaps he underestimates the cost of nappies, and all the expense a baby entails?
Hows things OP?

Altinkum Sun 05-May-13 18:33:39

don I really do think you need to read my posts again, those points you think I "spectacular missed" is actually the points I raised, expecially the finiacial one. smile

Whatyousaying Sun 05-May-13 19:24:33

Hey, things seem to be better,hmm we discussed the situation over the weekend while DS was at his fathers and we seem to have agreed that the money will be better spent on the baby, I suppose it is all a learning curve for him, it's all so new, but he isn't going and we are focusing on baby, I will be getting him more involved in our finances, as I said though he does know what we have in and out... This for me is a turning point, thank you to the kind people who gave constructive help for our individual situation without making it about yourselves as others done lol i very much appreciate it... grinsmilesmilesmilesmilesmile

Love to you all thanks

DontmindifIdo Sun 05-May-13 21:52:24

Whatyousaying, are you the op here? Just released from your other thread you've got a lot more going on in your relationship than a trip away or the money.

Sorry you are obviously having a really hard time and having to make some tough decisions.

LaQueen Sun 05-May-13 22:04:49

Erm...hang on hmm

Is Whatyousaying also MummytobeDC2 who posted the original post on this thread?

Or, am I horribly confused hmm

LadyBeagleEyes Sun 05-May-13 22:05:42

confused.

LaQueen Sun 05-May-13 22:07:57

You and me both Lady confused

AnyFucker Sun 05-May-13 22:09:46

Name change fail sad

LaQueen Sun 05-May-13 22:14:23

Ahhh, I see - thought I was going loopy then, for a moment.

Well, it all sounds like an Epic Shit-Fest, as far as I can see - I am waaaaaay out of my league, on this one sad

robynamy1 Sat 15-Jun-13 15:12:55

i can understand your feeling because you are pregnant. when i was pregnant with my youngest i was so emotional all of the time it was horrendous. I have always said that a holiday with friends only is for singles only. but i wouldnt class three nights as a holiday. he would feel left out because his friends are going for a week but then he has your feeling to considder whilst you are carrying his child. and what if you go into labour earlly and need him? If he would mind the children next year why you go away maybe you could compromise however if you 'aren't allowed' to go away yourself without him and the children then this is not fair x

robynamy1 Sat 15-Jun-13 15:14:18

sorry, just noticed your final reply!

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