Mother not acknowledging pregnancy - AIBU to cancel family holiday?

(92 Posts)
Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 17:27:06

My mother has ishoos with age and life transitional events - every time I've moved from one stage in my life to another she has caused some sort of drama or tension or has belittled or dismissed it. I think she feels these events signal to the world that she is getting older and hasn't accomplished what she wants (she is ambitious but self sabotages). So I always knew that having children of my own would cause ructions.

She also has lots of opinions of how I (and everyone else) should live their lives, which are always of course in their best interests in her eyes. She thought that for my health and family I should have a very big gap between children, if I should indeed have any more at all - I just brushed it off and told her we would have DC2 when it made sense for us.

I fell pregnant with DC2 in January - there will be a 22 month gap between DCs (gap between me and my brother: 19 months). Emailed my parents to tell them. My father emailed back and said he was overjoyed but that he would "break it to her". Since then I have heard nothing from her and she hasn't picked up any calls from me.

My dad says she is just extremely worried about my health, finances, and how I will cope with two etc and that she'll come round eventually. These worries are not unreasonable and DH and I have had the same worries, and have taken steps to plan ahead as much as possible. However she has not asked me any questions about our planning which might allay her concerns.

My dad is now asking for the dates we can come to the US for our annual family get-together in New England, staying in a cabin on an island in a lake. I've been there every year since I was born, as has my dad, so not going is a very big deal. I am really sad to think I might not go, but I can't imagine it under the circumstances.

My dad and brother (peacemaker quiet life at all costs types) think I'm the one being VVVU and prolonging the drama, because when she finally does come round we can all just let sleeping dogs lie. They also that I'm using my DS (16 months) as a weapon, threatening to withhold him from his GPs unless she apologises - something which I should apparently just accept she will never do. My dad is now saying if money is an issue he will buy our tickets as he is desperate to spend time with DS.

AIBU to not want to go on holiday with someone who has given me the silent treatment for months and still hasn't acknowledged I'm pregnant, even if that means it's terribly unfair on my dad not to see DS?

(Of course the other issue is that for the dates we are planning to fly, I'll be 31 weeks - I did go way overdue with DS though.)

HollyBerryBush Mon 29-Apr-13 17:30:43

Well, FWIW , I have a 52 week gap between my eldest children (It should have been 14 months, but DS2 was somewhat early). My dear old Dads words ? "Hmmm, was this your wisest idea?"

Not a fool my Dad!

Flappingandflying Mon 29-Apr-13 17:36:33

Go for your Dad. Your mother's ishoos are hers alone. Hopefully there will be people who can amuse your little one while you put your feet up.

Ps. Have you read 'at yellow lake' by Jane Mcloughlin. She has a family hut by a lake just like you and wrote this novel for teenagers using that setting. Tis ver good (although she's a chum so may be biaised).

MaryMotherOfCheeses Mon 29-Apr-13 17:36:37

Go on the holiday.
I'd feel sorry for your dad if you didn't.
One of you has to maje the effort and it sounds like you have to be the grown up here.
So what if she has some concerns. This is your baby.
You only have one mum.

exexpat Mon 29-Apr-13 17:38:36

I probably wouldn't want to be stuck in a cabin on an island at 31 weeks pregnant, let alone being forced to keep company with someone behaving so unreasonably and wanting to control me.

Is it possible to use the pregnancy and the cost of US healthcare as a face-saving excuse not to go? Travel insurance for the US is expensive anyway, and you may find it difficult to get when you are so far on in your pregnancy. There was a long threadin here a while back by someone who developed complications while on a trip to the US and ended up having to stay on for several months and give birth there...

I agree - go for your dad and the rest of your family. If you don't go, yes you are making a point and punishing her, but at what cost to yourself? It sounds to me like you want to go for the rest of the family and your dad...

My mum took forever to come around to the idea of being a grandmother - "I'm far too young! What will everyone think??" She was 59 FFS.

Geordieminx Mon 29-Apr-13 17:43:24

There was an MN'er who visited the states when she was about 6 months pregnant.. Went into labour.

Fortunately it was a very happy (ifuf) outcome and cost her thousands and thousand of pounds.. She ended up having to stay in the US for 5 + months if I remember correctly.

Just saying

Loa Mon 29-Apr-13 17:44:17

I'll be 31 weeks

If you really don't want to go there is your excuse.

Heavily pg with a young toddler - in an isolated place not my idea of fun.

You could suggest a delay till some time after the birth - on a see how we are basis and that would give your mother much more time to come round as well.

Lighthousekeeping Mon 29-Apr-13 17:47:28

I'd go. Have you got US health insurance just in case? 31 weeks is quite a common time to be born in my eyes. I'm very jealous of your holiday. It sounds like something out of a film. Your mum will come around.

Sirzy Mon 29-Apr-13 17:48:10

Can it be done earlier?

I would go. I would also pick up the phone and talk to your mum don't let the issues fester and become even bigger

greenformica Mon 29-Apr-13 17:49:19

I'd probably tell they you are happy to go once your mum has rang and said the things she should have said 'congratulations/how are you keeping/have you had morning sickness' etc.

Lighthousekeeping Mon 29-Apr-13 17:51:05

Do check your insurance though.

MisForMumNotMaid Mon 29-Apr-13 17:59:31

Yanbu for not wanting to go but you would be unreasonable to not go.

Your decission to not go will have far greater family repercussions on more than just your mum.

CruCru Mon 29-Apr-13 18:18:18

You would be justified in not flying at 31 weeks. I am due to go to Canada at around 28 weeks and my consultant thought it was a really stupid idea.

exexpat Mon 29-Apr-13 18:19:38

Pregnancy travel insurance - looks like it gets harder to get cover after 28 weeks.

31 weeks? Are you sure you can make the return flight? A lot of airlines have 30 weeks as a cut off to fly.

Inertia Mon 29-Apr-13 18:21:06

I wouldn't fly at that stage.

specialsubject Mon 29-Apr-13 18:23:54

just because you've always done something, doesn't mean it has to be done every single year. As everyone else says, if you can't get insurance you can't go.

sounds like you just won't be able to get insurance. If your mother is an attention-seeking whiner, that's her problem.

'issues' about things changing? How ridiculous.

1charlie1 Mon 29-Apr-13 18:26:38

Your DM's behaviour is extremely manipulative, and your DF (and DB) are enabling her to the hilt ('You know that's just how mum is' etc etc.)

It sounds like everyone is to expected to walk on eggshells around your DM, and suck up without protest whatever unpleasant behaviour she elects to dish out.

I am sorry you have been let down by your DPs at this special time.

Whether or not you choose to go will depend very much upon whether you are prepared to deal with the fallout that goes with disrupting the existing dynamic in your family.

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 18:28:47

Sirzy I have tried. She won't pick up the phone or respond to texts or emails from me.

I have travel insurance which includes US health but don't know if it covers pregnancy and birth so that might forestall the issue entirely actually.

I guess half of me thinks she will come round eventually and I will forgive and forget as usual. And that my dad is an innocent victim and shouldn't be punished. But he is enabling her to behave like this so the other half of me wants her and everyone else to realise that her actions have consequences. No one ever seems to say to her that this is childish behaviour to give someone the silent treatment and she is acting in the one way guaranteed not to help her anxiety - by not talking to me, she wont find out what we are doing.

CandidaDoyle Mon 29-Apr-13 18:31:39

Yanbu to be hurt by the lack of acknowledgement from your mother.

But YABU to email your parents to tell them of the pregnancy. Major news like that would usually warrant a phone call, even across different time zones.

AngryGnome Mon 29-Apr-13 18:33:01

I'm surprised that you dad and your brother are putting a holiday above any concern for your health and wellbeing and that of your baby.
Flying at that stage in your pregnancy could be very uncomfortable and there is always the possibility that you could develop complications in late pregnancy or have an early birth.
Can you not bring the holiday forward?

CandidaDoyle Mon 29-Apr-13 18:33:27

YANBU not to want to travel in late pregnancy. If your mother is worried about your health as she says, then the annual family get together should take place closer to your home.

Xiaoxiong Mon 29-Apr-13 18:35:20

Yes that's exactly it about everyone enabling her. I think she actually needs a better way of coping with anxiety than shutting down, but as there have never been any consequences she has no reason to change her behaviour (CBT or something could probably help her massively).

The airline said no problem to fly up to 36 weeks. But I have a consultant appointment next week and will follow their advice.

Pigsmummy Mon 29-Apr-13 18:41:14

I wouldn't fly long haul at 31 weeks, can you bring the trip forward? I also wouldn't want to be in a stressful environment whilst pregnant. You have some get out options, airlines will be nervous to take you, insurance will be more difficult to get so don't have to go. If you decide not to travel for these reasons then neither your Father or brother can really hold this against you.

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