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Spectacularly passive aggressive MIL!

(74 Posts)

Background - one year old twins and a 19 year old I've just rescued from Uni as, well, long story.

PIL come up for the weekend. Despite everything on my plate, get up 2 hours before the twins each day to cook in advance, clean, make beds etc...

MIL: "You're so wonderfully relaxed <stinkingbishop>, when I was a young Mum I tried so hard to make everything perfect".

Reasons why I shouldn't clump her one?!

DP cannot see the problem by the way - "it's a compliment, she's saying you're not stressy".

Yes, DP. But I got up at 4am and apparently it's not 'perfect'.

Snnnarrrgh!

There are worst problems in the world, I know. Sorry....

PoohBearsHole Mon 29-Apr-13 17:37:34

At least you didn't get a comment that I don't know what means:

"he looks very common doesn't he" about 2year old ds.

1. How does a child look common?
2. Wtf is common?
3. If we are going down the social class route love, my family is distinctly uncommon whereas yours, well.........

Nne of which I actually said as she tried to bluster her way out of foot in mouth, brain not connected fecking comment!

snowmummy Sun 28-Apr-13 21:35:09

Classic backhanded compliment! My own mother does this and if I call her on it, its me that is too sensitive or takes everything the wrong way. Absolute bollocks.

cjel Sun 28-Apr-13 20:56:21

I used to iron bibs pants and socks!!!and tea towels and hankies (i am crying now for wasted lifesad. ).>
I can't read this as anything other than a mil who is saying that she wishes she had been like you, and not stressed to get it perfect like you have.
Although I think you are amazing to have 19yr old, twins and PIL. I hope you are getting chance to rest now?xx

WafflyVersatile Sun 28-Apr-13 20:05:17

don't get up at 4am because she's visiting! Get the PILs to help out. 'I'm just so exhausted. I can't hope to match your energy and perfectionism, Maureen. Maybe you can iron these bibs for me. You do it so neatly' smile

ChewingOnLifesGristle Sun 28-Apr-13 20:05:17

Mine can be like this too. She has the knack (or as I suspect has perfected the art) of taking a criticism/negative point and turning it into a sort of reverse 'compliment'.

It's brilliantly clever because it's so subtle. But bloody infuriating at the same time, because after all how can you complain about a complimentconfused.

Ie: I had dts and a toddler on the go at one stage and was very frazzled. Mil:'Oh I think it's marvellous how you cope! I'd look much worse than you do with all that to manage'. Gee thanks. I think.

youmeatsix Sun 28-Apr-13 19:29:17

"Background - one year old twins" you can be forgiven anything

CocktailQueen Sun 28-Apr-13 19:23:02

Lordy, have never got up at 4am to get house ready for anyone's visit, never mind my in laws!! what about your dh? Does he 'help'? Do anything?

Bollynix Sun 28-Apr-13 18:33:12

Of course it was an insult! Blimey, how frustrating these nasty folk whose barbed comments leave their targets oblivious must find you all! Good on you.

Beamae Sun 28-Apr-13 17:55:52

Good call, Beryl. It has happened before.

Nehru Sun 28-Apr-13 17:54:37

stinky

how can you clean when everyone is in bed?

DailyNameChanger Sun 28-Apr-13 17:54:08

ps to balance things, my own mum is no better lol! She even used to iron bibs and pants you know!

DailyNameChanger Sun 28-Apr-13 17:51:02

My mil used to be classic when I was younger and tbh I was way too naieve to even pick up on half of it. For example, when I was going out with my hub in early days, she would bang on and on about a friend's son who went abroad and got married 'AND UPSET HIS MOTHER'. I have no idea if she thought we were planning to do this, but obviously she saw me as a threat. On my wedding day, she kept telling me how much she liked my lace gloves and how beautiful the gloves were (lol no mention of the rest of my outfit). When we had our first child she used to talk to me through the baby, ie "Oooh and what have you and mummy being doing this week and "Ooh she is a one your mummy" - you catch the drift. Bless her, I really was bit thick and didn't understand what she was doing most of the time, just very uncomfortable. I got to about 35 though and thought sod this and made my husband take over the majority of the visiting and whilst she has done some lovely things for her and I am very fond of her, I stay fond from a safe distance!!!

Cluffyfunt Sun 28-Apr-13 16:48:17

I'm not.
I'm a bit of a dick tbh grin

Please, for the love of chocolate, don't get up at silly o'clock to do housework.
The only reasons to be awake at that time are ; small children needing you,
Sex,
Wetting the bed,
Or attack by (early rising) squriels.
No othe reason <stamps foot>.
If mil is being a pita, just smile and ignore her.
Nice people don't put others down like that, so she's not worth worrying about.

HerrenaHarridan Sun 28-Apr-13 16:48:03

Yy to beryl!

I agree that unless there is a history this could swing either way.

Stinking, I absolutely forbid you to get up at 4am and do housework, EVER!

Ffs woman this is mother abuse!

Do NOT get up before TWINS unless it is to treat yourself or otherwise relax! What were you thinking?

WaitingForMe Sun 28-Apr-13 16:46:51

I have a PA MIL. What I did was extensively explain to DH how she was PA until he understood. Now he spots it and gives me sympathetic looks.

It pisses her right off grin

BerylStreep Sun 28-Apr-13 16:44:36

Beamae, don't drop your phone in the bath.

Beamae Sun 28-Apr-13 16:42:32

You have my sympathies. I have the in laws here for the weekend. As a treat they are staying an extra night. I'm so thrilled that I am now hiding in the bath for at least two hours.

BerylStreep Sun 28-Apr-13 16:37:37

'MIL, you're so ambiguous I never really know what way to take you! <tinkly laugh> Do you want another cup of tea?' <smile>

You are so lovely, all of you. Really.

x

You're over-reacting...but getting up at 4 to clean would make anybody over react. Why on earth did you do that? Surely if a house if reasonably clean before guests arrive, that's all that matters? And unless you really feel that you have to do a huge 'show meal' for breakfast, lunch and dinner, I can't see why you'd need to be cooking at 4 in the morning either. And how can you make beds at 4 in the morning? Surely anybody not trying to be a bit of a martyr is still in them!

Please, please try to be a bit kinder to yourself. Eat cornflakes and fruit for breakfast; shove stuff in the slowcooker; order takeaway; whatever.

coffeeinbed Sun 28-Apr-13 16:07:30

I now realise this is neither here nor there on the thread.
I just had to rant, sorry!

coffeeinbed Sun 28-Apr-13 16:06:28

Mine used to start every sentence with '"Of course no one ever wants my opinion but this is how it's done......." and then proceed to tell you exactly how things should go.
We no longer talk.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Sun 28-Apr-13 16:04:06

It's not just the words, it's usually the accompanying look or tone that tell you if it's complimentary or not.

Safest response if unsure is "Oh thanks I'll remember you said that".

Up at 4 am to do housework shock you are a legend. smile

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Sun 28-Apr-13 13:35:30

4am cleaning shock shock

The MIL comments is a bit meh, but it wouldn't bother me. I would find it funny and would say something jokey back to her with an 'incredulous' look on my face.
It was thoughtless but I think you may be very a little sensitive.

neontetra Sun 28-Apr-13 13:11:56

My MIL often jokes about my lack of housework. But I don't get offended because it's true, I don't do any! My friends and family all say I'm this wonderfully "relaxed" mother, and I do take it as a compliment, though perhaps they are, from their perspective, trying to stealth insult me, who knows? Don't worry about it - if she honestly believes it was a good idea for her to spend the early days' of her children's lives stressed making everything "perfect" (and what does that even mean?) then she's silly, isn't she?

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