To feel a bit upset about friend's wedding?

(69 Posts)
slatternlymother Thu 25-Apr-13 12:55:01

Longstanding friend of several years, I started a thread at Easter about how she and her DP were starting to be continually late (sometimes by hours) and it was really starting to hurt my feelings.

Anyway, I left it for a few weeks and then she texted me to say she wanted to meet, really exciting news. She's getting married in August in Barbados! And she really wanted us to be there.

Unfortunately, it was going to cost something like £5K for us to be there, and as we already had a holiday booked, it would've meant coming up with the money in 8 weeks; something we're just not in a position to do at the moment. She was understandably disappointed, but the whole thing made me feel like a rubbish friend, like I can't be there for her on her special day because they simply didn't give us enough notice.

I asked if she fancied going out for a meal, or if I could organise her a Hen do, or a party when they got back, but she was really non committal and 'meh' about it.

I'm really upset. She came to my wedding, and I want to do something nice for her to wish her well, but it's like because we're not coming to the wedding, it doesn't matter so just forget it.

I know I'm over reacting, but I'm really upset about it. I'm left feeling like rubbish again (although I'd never tell her) and it's like she more or less wants to brush the whole thing under the carpet?

AIBU?

Callthemidlife Fri 26-Apr-13 05:13:03

You may enjoy pointing out to her that it usually pisses with rain, for days on end during the wet season. The flash floods can make the pavements knee deep within minutes. Sometimes August can be nice, but often you will hear the rain start around 3am, hit a crescendo around 11am then ease of to a constant drizzle until it picks up again at around 4pm. Most of the hotels on the west coast (the nice bit, where the A- listers go) close completely leaving only the hotels on the south coast open (around st Lawrence gap/Hastings/Brighton). If you friend is going t one of these she may find her Caribbean trip feeling remarkably like torremelinos. The beaches are beautiful,, but if its raining and the hotel is doing 'buffet' every night (because too quiet to open the main restaurant) it won't be fun.

The hurricane risk is actually minimal, but perhaps once a month all the shops and businesses close down whilst a storm passes, just in case.

Don get me wrong, Barbados is great. I love going there. But I only go in August if I have renovating or decorating to do. If you absolutely must go to the Caribbean in August then an island with more Caribbean flavour would be better, because Barbados is only really knock-your-socks-off kicking when it is busy, whereas some of the other islands are still oozing with charm even when they're quiet. But f course the hurricane risk is higher on other islands.

5k by the way is a reasonable budget for 4 flights plus spending, hotel. You won't come in much cheaper.

DeepRedBetty Thu 25-Apr-13 22:10:03

I'm seeing the friend who rushed round with wine and choccies as being one of us, delighted that slatternly has finally had the balls to say 'no' to SelfAbsorbedBitch 'friend'.

zipzap Thu 25-Apr-13 22:04:07

Does she have some sort of fear of being in crowds or with lots of people around? Maybe she chose barbados so she could avoid having even a relatively small event that she would maybe felt pressured into having if she got married at home...

which would also explain why she is not good at going out - maybe she always thinks that this time she will manage to do it but when the time comes she really struggles and as such is either late or a no show.

which makes it all about her rather than you...

LemonPeculiarJones Thu 25-Apr-13 22:01:01

YANBU to not go to the wedding. Definitely. And the constant lateness sounds intensely irritating. Maybe you just don't need her in your life.

But YABU to feel so upset just because she wasn't frothing with excitement about your meal/party idea.

It's her celebration and she can do what she likes. Its sounds like she was pretty calm about you not going to Barbados. Why should she then immediately placate you by embracing your idea?!

And - another friend rushing around with wine and chocolates to soothe you because your friend wasn't enthusiastic about something you wanted to do for her wedding? That portrays you as as self-absorbed as she is I'm afraid.

NoelHeadbands Thu 25-Apr-13 21:52:48

I'm with teacher. Don't get it, sorry

expatinscotland Thu 25-Apr-13 21:45:31

It's far from just the wedding, though. The friend doesn't give much about a fart about the OP from the sound of it in the past.

MissLurkalot Thu 25-Apr-13 21:43:24

I understand why you're upset, especially at her 'meh' reaction to you organising something.

I wouldn't walk away yet..

I think it's worth trying again...

I don't what exactly, but I've let friendships drift in the past, and, although this friend is all a bit 'her', especially with wedding fever. I would give her another chance.

Maybe your friendship has changed, that's life... But, it doesn't mean you should let it drift.

In this case, I don't think she deserves you walking away from her, especially on the build up to her wedding.

I think you need to toughen up to be honest. And think, 'ooh, she's a bit bridezilla, but hey... aren't/weren't we all?'

Snazzynewyear Thu 25-Apr-13 21:41:44

I think you need to reflect on why you feel so guilty (unnecessarily) about anything you do which is less than completely indulgent towards this particular 'friend'. It may be a history you have with her, or with other people that has made you feel that if you ever say 'no' or 'that's not doable' you feel terrible about it and feel you have to go to some trouble to make it up to her. But it is something in you that needs addressing IMO. She doesn't sound like a good friend to me, but something about her clearly hits a nerve that makes you feel guilty and 'not good enough' and I think it would help you to understand that and work on getting over it.

MummytoKatie Thu 25-Apr-13 21:30:54

She generally sounds a nightmare but I do have a suggestion about why she doesn't't want a hen do etc. could it be that she just doesn't like fuss.

Personally I hate fuss and I'm 8 months pregnant and have some lovely lovely friends who really really want make it big fuss of me. We have compromised. I'm not having a work leaving do (finished today, worked late, got the bus home quietly) but we did have a meal out last night (as we do quite regularly).

I've agreed to the baby shower but it is going to just be a very quiet one at one of my friend's houses involving sitting on the sofa drinking wine (or elderflower cordial in my case) and gossiping as we also do regularly. (Although apparently there will be blue cake - I'm having a boy.)

Not saying your friend is like that but she may be. I really appreciate that my friends are so lovely and want to do such lovely things for me but I would much rather it be someone else we made a big fuss about.

(Incidentally my hen do was carefully arranged for a like-minded friends 21st birthday on the grounds that we could then each deflect the attention to a certain extent!)

Springdiva Thu 25-Apr-13 21:30:34

You have a whole lifetime of married life ahead of her to make up.

Just have her round for a nice meal and champagne when they come back.

Or a posh meal out or whatever.

You must feel much more emotionally involved in the wedding process than I am.

teacher123 Thu 25-Apr-13 21:14:54

I am going to get flamed probably for this, but why on earth do you need flowers and chocolates from other friends to make up for not being able to go to a wedding?!

Unless there is a whole load of back story I don't understand what you're so upset about. Friend has arranged last minute expensive wedding abroad, you've said you can't go. She's said that's fine. I honestly truly really truly don't get why you're so upset not to be sharing in her day. Weddings are quite boring. She doesn't want a big fuss/hen do in England, that's probably why she's getting married abroad. If she'd been insisting you stump up thousands of pounds you couldn't afford to attend, THAT would be unreasonable. I am sorry you're feeling upset about it, but in the nicest possible way, her wedding isn't about you.

expatinscotland Thu 25-Apr-13 21:06:18

'I will be nice, and send a card and modest gift, but I will be investing time in my other friends, who heard how down I was feeling and came round last night with a big bunch of my favourite flowers, wine and chocolates '

Why bother? Treat yourself and your family to a little something instead.

slatternlymother Thu 25-Apr-13 19:20:49

Maybe fluffi, I don't know...

It was all really sudden and I just wish they'd said they were thinking of it so we could've put some money aside sad

I will be nice, and send a card and modest gift, but I will be investing time in my other friends, who heard how down I was feeling and came round last night with a big bunch of my favourite flowers, wine and chocolates grin

So I am valued and wanted, just not really by this other friend. I hate quietly dropping people. I do. sad

HappyMummyOfOne Thu 25-Apr-13 19:19:43

Find some new friends that are real friends.

Getting married abroad is selfish unless you are paying for the guests in full. Annual leave is also very precious to some people so thats another big ask.

I wouldnt pay £5k to attend a wedding of a friend, simply not worth it.

fluffiphlox Thu 25-Apr-13 19:14:27

We went on holiday to St Lucia about 25 years ago. I thought the weddings on the beach were the naffest things going. The wedding party (all pink and sweaty) were gawped at by people in swimsuits. I don't know if things have changed but as I said in my earlier post, you're not missing anything. It's very unreasonable to expect people to fly thousands of miles at their own expense. But maybe she's just going through the motions and doesn't actually want many guests hence the trip..

slatternlymother Thu 25-Apr-13 19:12:57

wibbly we also have a DC and though I didn't check BA's flights, it was around £2400 alone for flights, then plus a hotel and any expenses, plus DC needs passport... I'm not making excuses, I have checked it out and it's just so much money.

I do appreciate what you're saying though thanks

TheCraicDealer Thu 25-Apr-13 18:04:37

You only get married (for the first time, anyway) once, but people have to be guests over and over again. It's unreasonable to expect other people to care as much as you do about your day.

She's can be pissy all she likes. If you drop her she'd be losing a good mate; you'd be losing an emotional millstone.

expatinscotland Thu 25-Apr-13 18:03:23

She takes the piss out of your time by being continually late, expects you to magic up over a thousand pounds for her wedding and then takes the huff with you when you try to be nice?

She's no friend, OP.

Find a real one!

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 25-Apr-13 17:55:06

Just checked BA's website and it's approx £600 return for flights May - October, so £1200 for you and a partner. If I were you, I probably wouldn't want to go now anyway, but I think the £5000 was a gross overestimation and if cost is what's putting you off, here's a cheaper way to go. Good luck, whatever you decide.

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 25-Apr-13 17:51:04

I remember your other thread and she doesn't sound like a very good friend to you unfortunately.

That aside - you absolutely cannot be annoyed if a friend doesn't come to your wedding abroad! She is crazy! I'd think it was cheeky to ask people to pay for a trip to Europe, let alone farther afield!

My only query would be the £5000 figure - where is this from? That's a hell of a lot for economy, low season flights. I think you could go for a lot less.

ButternutSquish Thu 25-Apr-13 17:49:28

YANBU to not to able to make it over to Barbados. I recently got married and we were lucky enough to honeymoon in St Lucia. There were lots of people getting married & nearly every couple were either there on their own or just had a couple of people with them. I would be very surprised to hear they had lots of people join them.

YANBU to be disappointed that she's not that interested in having a party but in the run up to a wedding things all go a bit crazy. Everyone wants a piece of you and some (family) people seem to completely lose all common sense and brain power (do you think I'll need a jacket? Will the weather be good? When will the cake be served...ahhhhhh!!!) She may be silently pulling her hair out, or she might just not be as good a friend as you thought she was. Weddings do have a tendency to bring all these things out.

Wish her well & send her a nice card with a gift. When she comes back from honeymoon offer again and maybe she'll be more receptive smile

pippop1 Thu 25-Apr-13 17:41:05

To cheer yourself up (and if you like shopping), buy her an extra nice wedding gift. As you won't have to buy new clothes or travel to the wedding you can feel that you've done your very best.

I thought that part of the idea of getting married abroad was to save money on the catering /venue as many less people will come!

Maybe I'm just old and cynical.

mrspaddy Thu 25-Apr-13 17:40:34

I am totally going to be honest here.. she doesn't want people at her wedding. It is her right of course but if she truly wanted her closest friends at her wedding, she would have some kind of little celebration at home too (doesn't have to be expensive at all). The fact that she is getting married in a big hurry hundreds of miles away and refuses to let you have a little hen for her says a lot. I would love a friend like you but I think you are overthinking it. Leave her be.. give her a token gift and card. Wish her well. But don't beat yourself up about it. I really wanted a foreign intimate wedding but stayed at a local venue because it meant more to have the people I wanted there.

specialsubject Thu 25-Apr-13 17:31:40

nothing wrong with a destination wedding - but don't expect many people there unless you pay for them to go.

she needs to grow up and use her brains, sounds a total airhead. Lose her and don't spend any more time or effort on her.

justmyview Thu 25-Apr-13 17:28:18

I think YABitU - she's not complaining that you're not going to Barbados. It's kind of you to offer to host a party for her, but she's under no obligation to take you up on that

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