To feel a bit upset about friend's wedding?

(69 Posts)
slatternlymother Thu 25-Apr-13 12:55:01

Longstanding friend of several years, I started a thread at Easter about how she and her DP were starting to be continually late (sometimes by hours) and it was really starting to hurt my feelings.

Anyway, I left it for a few weeks and then she texted me to say she wanted to meet, really exciting news. She's getting married in August in Barbados! And she really wanted us to be there.

Unfortunately, it was going to cost something like £5K for us to be there, and as we already had a holiday booked, it would've meant coming up with the money in 8 weeks; something we're just not in a position to do at the moment. She was understandably disappointed, but the whole thing made me feel like a rubbish friend, like I can't be there for her on her special day because they simply didn't give us enough notice.

I asked if she fancied going out for a meal, or if I could organise her a Hen do, or a party when they got back, but she was really non committal and 'meh' about it.

I'm really upset. She came to my wedding, and I want to do something nice for her to wish her well, but it's like because we're not coming to the wedding, it doesn't matter so just forget it.

I know I'm over reacting, but I'm really upset about it. I'm left feeling like rubbish again (although I'd never tell her) and it's like she more or less wants to brush the whole thing under the carpet?

AIBU?

fluffiphlox Thu 25-Apr-13 14:27:48

This is a bit off-piste, but the West Indies is very humid in August. So I'm not sure you're missing much. Also the hurricane season I think, too.

EmmaBemma Thu 25-Apr-13 14:28:56

I can understand why you're upset. It really sounds like she doesn't value your friendship very much or perhaps she is just a bit thoughtless in general.

MooncupGoddess Thu 25-Apr-13 14:31:18

Maybe, for whatever reason, she just doesn't want a party or night out? She is allowed to say no, you know.

YANBU. But do remember that, in the run up to weddings, some brides/grooms get totally blinkered and forgot that there's anyone else to consider for their 'special day.' This really, really bugs me.

None of my friends can afford to stump up huge lumps of cash for other folks' weddings. I certainly can't. A friend of mine got married last year in the Highlands (not as much of a trek as Barbados, I know wink but a day long car journey either side and very remote) and it ended up costing me and my other friends so much - several nights' accommodation, car hire, petrol, not to mention present, outfit, food and drinks etc. Bride was adamant that they would never get married anywhere else because it was her and her DH's favourite place in the country. Fair dos, but my favourite place is Paris and if I was going to get married there, I wouldn't expect guests to want to pay for it. When me and DH got married last year, we did it in the city centre, so it was in easy reach of all our guests.

In other words, don't take it personally. You won't be the only one who's been inconvenienced by her decision. Re: organising a party, again don't take that personally. You might have been the third person that day to tell her you couldn't make the wedding and she was feeling a bit crappy as a result. Why not chat with your mutual friends to see what you can do, and then approach her? But if she continues to be non-commital, just leave it - you'll have tried your best.

SpanishFly Thu 25-Apr-13 14:51:59

similar thing happened with my friend - her DH was asked to be best man at a wedding in Vegas, but HE was expected to pay to go. He had no desire to go to Vegas, and since they didnt have much cash at that time, he wasnt prepared to spend the only savings they had to go. His friend was not impressed about this, but they are still friends today. This was 9 yrs ago. But to this day I have no idea why people getting married abroad expect their best man to pay to go too.
I get similarly annoyed about people who have hen parties in Paris etc, expecting everyone to stump up cash to celebrate with them

SpanishFly Thu 25-Apr-13 14:54:03

why not offer to have them over for dinner, and make them a special meal, have nice wine etc, and tell her how disappointing it is for you not to be there.
Give her "something borrowed" or buy her something blue, and tell her you hope she wears it so you feel part of things, as she's such a dear friend etc etc.
If she's still weird after that, then she's not worth it.

ENormaSnob Thu 25-Apr-13 14:58:24

Yanbu in not going to Barbados

Yabu to put the pressure on re organising her a hen do and party.

Maybe she's getting married abroad to avoid all that shit.

AThingInYourLife Thu 25-Apr-13 14:59:39

What ENorma said

lightrain Thu 25-Apr-13 15:05:00

In the nicest possible way, I think yabu. It's her wedding day, she should get to chose what she wants to do. If that's a wedding abroad, as long as she's not being grumpy/ off with you because you can't make it (which you've said she's not - disappointed but nice about the fact you can't make it you say) then I think you just have to accept that that's the wedding she wants. It is her wedding after all - so you might feel left out but it is about her and her husband to be, not you (sorry - I don't mean to sound rude but it is).

I didn't read the previous thread so maybe there's previous stuff that's tainting your view now, but thinking about the wedding thing in isolation, I think she is entitled to do what she wants for her wedding, provided she's not then going to go all bridezilla at you when you say you can't come.

It's really hard organising a wedding - everyone seems to get offended whatever you chose (I didn't have a destination wedding by the way, but 2 of my close friends did and whilst its sad that I couldn't be there on their days, they understood why i couldn't make it and I never felt that they were trying to exclude me in any way at all, they were just doing what they wanted to do and so they should, on their wedding day). In my experience, its incredibly stressful and actually impossible to try to keep everyone happy. For example, I remember one elderly relative complaining loudly at my wedding about the type of tea that was offered after the meal! As thought it was a criminal act to have pg tips instead of typhoo (or whatever, you get the idea).....

Cherriesarelovely Thu 25-Apr-13 15:05:25

Sorry Slatternly, don't have time to read whole thread but just wanted to say that of course YANBU!!!! Fwiw nobody I know would have 5k to spend on a holiday at that short notice or in fact at any sort of notice. It is a huge amount of money. Fair enough, she and her DP want to get married there, good for them but I honestly couldn't do that knowing that none of my friends could actually afford to come. Sorry she is being a bit meh with you, that must hurt.

MrsSchadenfreude Thu 25-Apr-13 15:06:46

Getting married in Barbados and expects you to schlep your tuchas all the way over there? YANBU, she is taking the fucking piss.

Floralnomad Thu 25-Apr-13 15:10:18

TBH it sounds like you value her as a friend a lot more than she values you . Indeed from your posts it sounds like she's the same with other friends as well ( re the friend with the baby) . I think you should stop worrying about it and her ,stay friendly but on your terms . And maybe I'm odd but I don't have any friends where I'd spend that kind of money to go to their wedding

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 25-Apr-13 15:39:51

Gosh even with tons of notice I think being expected to stump up £5K would be a huge ask.

Whatever you do don't run yourself ragged trying to 'make up' for the fact you don't have that sort of money lying around handy.

Sounds like this friendship has run its course, she may just be integrating with her fiancé's group of friends or wholly intent on carving out a new social life. Are you just noticing the change in tone this year or has it actually been developing over time, have you had as much in common the past couple of years as you used to?

I'd say you've offered to hold a party etc and she doesn't want that so don't offer anything more.

Maybe it's not her cup of tea so don't beat yourself up about it!

Snazzynewyear Thu 25-Apr-13 16:29:05

YANBU of course not to have £5K lying around to spend on going to Barbados at short notice, regardless of whose wedding it is.

YAB a bit U about the 'she is not bothered about me offering to organise a party' stuff. I actually think this is consistent with the rest of her behaviour because it's basically another event where, if she isn't totally in the driving seat, she doesn't want to know. I think you're then frustrated that you don't get to demonstrate to her (and everyone else) what a good friend you really are. But tbh I'd just be grateful that you've got out of doing it, as I'm sure it would have been annoying in itself. Just back off now completely, send her a nice card and modest gift, and let her come back to you if she wants to have any more wedding-related discussions/nights out. You are going to be better off in the long-term backing off from this friendship and, as others have said, lowering your expectations.

Pandemoniaa Thu 25-Apr-13 17:12:24

I'd not get upset about her not wanting you to organise a party. Only this really might be one of the factors involved in deciding to get married in Barbados. Not everyone wants parties back home or hen nights (and I can understand why) but her disinterest in this doesn't mean she's rejecting your friendship.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Thu 25-Apr-13 17:16:34

My money's on her having to change her plans. Barbados - that's insane.

teacher123 Thu 25-Apr-13 17:16:42

You are basically upset that she is not more upset that you can't come to her wedding.

LadyHarrietdeSpook Thu 25-Apr-13 17:21:34

And yes, at that time of the year - Hurricanes. Frankly, it's probably cheap for HER at that time of the year, even though it's going to cost everyone else loads.

justmyview Thu 25-Apr-13 17:28:18

I think YABitU - she's not complaining that you're not going to Barbados. It's kind of you to offer to host a party for her, but she's under no obligation to take you up on that

specialsubject Thu 25-Apr-13 17:31:40

nothing wrong with a destination wedding - but don't expect many people there unless you pay for them to go.

she needs to grow up and use her brains, sounds a total airhead. Lose her and don't spend any more time or effort on her.

mrspaddy Thu 25-Apr-13 17:40:34

I am totally going to be honest here.. she doesn't want people at her wedding. It is her right of course but if she truly wanted her closest friends at her wedding, she would have some kind of little celebration at home too (doesn't have to be expensive at all). The fact that she is getting married in a big hurry hundreds of miles away and refuses to let you have a little hen for her says a lot. I would love a friend like you but I think you are overthinking it. Leave her be.. give her a token gift and card. Wish her well. But don't beat yourself up about it. I really wanted a foreign intimate wedding but stayed at a local venue because it meant more to have the people I wanted there.

pippop1 Thu 25-Apr-13 17:41:05

To cheer yourself up (and if you like shopping), buy her an extra nice wedding gift. As you won't have to buy new clothes or travel to the wedding you can feel that you've done your very best.

I thought that part of the idea of getting married abroad was to save money on the catering /venue as many less people will come!

Maybe I'm just old and cynical.

ButternutSquish Thu 25-Apr-13 17:49:28

YANBU to not to able to make it over to Barbados. I recently got married and we were lucky enough to honeymoon in St Lucia. There were lots of people getting married & nearly every couple were either there on their own or just had a couple of people with them. I would be very surprised to hear they had lots of people join them.

YANBU to be disappointed that she's not that interested in having a party but in the run up to a wedding things all go a bit crazy. Everyone wants a piece of you and some (family) people seem to completely lose all common sense and brain power (do you think I'll need a jacket? Will the weather be good? When will the cake be served...ahhhhhh!!!) She may be silently pulling her hair out, or she might just not be as good a friend as you thought she was. Weddings do have a tendency to bring all these things out.

Wish her well & send her a nice card with a gift. When she comes back from honeymoon offer again and maybe she'll be more receptive smile

Wibblypiglikesbananas Thu 25-Apr-13 17:51:04

I remember your other thread and she doesn't sound like a very good friend to you unfortunately.

That aside - you absolutely cannot be annoyed if a friend doesn't come to your wedding abroad! She is crazy! I'd think it was cheeky to ask people to pay for a trip to Europe, let alone farther afield!

My only query would be the £5000 figure - where is this from? That's a hell of a lot for economy, low season flights. I think you could go for a lot less.

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