Worried this is going to end up a bigger deal than it needs to be - inappropriate behaviour at school.

(15 Posts)

OK, important facts first: DS is 8.5 years old and we are awaiting assessment for possible ASD issues. When I went to pick him up from after school club the group leader took me aside for 'a word'. DS had been lying on top of one of his friends and sort of dry-humping; when the staff asked what they were doing, they said 'Playing the Go To Bed game'. They've made an incident report about it.
The first thing I checked was whether either child had been distressed or bullied; they said no, not at all, they were both giggly over it and then a bit ashamed when ticked off. The group leader asked where he might have got the idea from and I said I don't know, because I really don't. He only watches kids TV channels, apart from quiz shows and Dr Who, he only reads his own books.
I have had a talk (or rather several talks) with DS this evening about boundaries, inappropriate behaviour and making sure that any games played are stopped if someone doesn't like it. The group leader was fairly OK about the whole thing and seemed to think it was just a bit of silly naughtiness rather than an assault; I did make sure that I emphasized to DS that everyone is allowed to stop a game, not like it, refuse to play, and that I wasn't angry with him for making a mistake but he needed to understand about boundaries and some games being for grown ups and not children.

I am scared that we are going to get SS visits and stuff now. I'm scared of my DS being either labelled as a sexual predator or turning into one.

Anyone else had this sort of thing happen?

WorraLiberty Tue 23-Apr-13 23:24:48

Oh really I genuinely don't think you've anything to worry about SS and all that.

Teachers see this sort of thing loads and often no-one can pinpoint how/where/why the kids do it.

I'd relax honestly, they have to record these things because it's policy but it doesn't mean it'll be taken any further.

Wolfiefan Tue 23-Apr-13 23:26:03

Kids! I had to speak to the teacher at DS's school when girls were playing "sex". This involved wrestling a boy into the floor and climbing on top to kiss. My DS thought it was a horrid game!
Children do pick up on things from school rather than home (often). Who know where he learnt this game.
I remember DS telling me all about this game whilst I was driving. How I didn't swerve off the road I don't know. Pulled a WTF face and bit tongue before saying that sounds like a very silly game to me!?!?!
No SS report or suchlike.

Softlysoftly Tue 23-Apr-13 23:26:16

Can't offer specific advise but did they imply the other kid was unhappy? Sounds like it was both of them "playing" to me so why would they assume assault or even need a report?

Shamefully I remember playing such games with friends and I was in no way exposed to anything sexual, it was just as you say playground gossip about grownup stuff and learning boundaries.

Wolfiefan Tue 23-Apr-13 23:26:46

X post.
Worra speaks sense again!!!

LittleYellowBall Tue 23-Apr-13 23:28:36

Those sorts of games are the stuff of childhood and growing up aren't they? And I'm sure the adults involved know this. It sounds like you've dealt with this well and I would be very suprised if anything were taken further.

WorraLiberty Tue 23-Apr-13 23:28:47

Softly they only need to record it to 'monitor' it.

So say for example the kids did it again or something similar, it would be added to that record to see if there's a bigger picture evolving.

I'm not saying for a second there would be in the OP's case...just that that's why it's done...so nothing slips through the net.

WorraLiberty Tue 23-Apr-13 23:30:48

Wolfie grin

I've got 3 boys and over the years they've done/said fairly inappropriate things and I've just shouted, "Oi don't be so rude!".

Cue embarrassed faces and that's that.

But obviously schools have policies and stuff

My gut feeling is that it was harmless silliness, but also I worry a bit about making sure that DS doesn't grow up to be like the Steubenville monsters, and on the one hand I don't want my lovely, kind, gentle 8 year old labelled as bad, but nor would I want to dismiss behaviour or incidents of unacceptable behaviour as 'oh boys will be boys.

WorraLiberty Tue 23-Apr-13 23:39:46

I'd label it as 'kids will be kids' and move on.

You've dealt with it brilliantly but try not to overthink it.

If he's your eldest (and I don't know if he is or not) you have plenty more horror stories to come I'm afraid grin

maddening Wed 24-Apr-13 06:39:09

Was it your ds' idea or the other dc's? If the other dc has older siblings they could have got the idea from them and introduced the game to your ds?

NotTreadingGrapes Wed 24-Apr-13 06:54:04

I do agree that (unfortunately for us!) it's normal, but I would be trying to find out where the idea came from. Possibly older siblings, or something they've seen that you are unaware of.

My own sweet angelic innocent 9 yr old dd (and her friends) managed to find their way to a "naked women" website while supposedly on Cbbc website. (yes, I have now downloaded and installed K9 onto the new computer) smile

Try not to worry.

MissAnnersley Wed 24-Apr-13 08:09:48

Please don't worry too much. It sounds really normal behaviour to me, just a bit of carrying on between friends.

They have probably seen/heard it in the playground.

hairtearing Wed 24-Apr-13 09:30:35

I was wondering from your OP has he perhaps ever walked in on you and your DP? I know that's a personal question your obv. free to not answer.

I also think in this day and age its almost impossible to shield kids from these things the amount of CSI/Law and order that's on at dinner time FFS, once I was literally flicking through the channels and within seconds a surgery scene from house and someone getting hid throat cut on Law and order or something, its shocking.
Even the most careful parent can't monitor everything.

He's not walked in on me having sex because I am single and have never had sex in our home - and as to the TV programmes, we don't have them on. Literally. I have very little interest in TV, so ours is either tuned to CBBC, Boomerang or Challenge, except when we are watching Dr Who.

I do think it's likely to have been playground gossip, and I think that the school are probably about to start them on PHSE about boundaries etc anyway, so will try not to worry.

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