to be scared of getting married because I'm fat?

(105 Posts)
hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 21:40:29

I am losing some weight, trying to at least but I will always be on the bigger side my body doesn't lend itself to smallness, 5'8+ size 10 feet broad shoulder etc.
But I am dreading getting married as I am convinced everyone will be sneering and making comments about me and my dress or comparing me to my bridesmaids (much prettier) or my SIL (again much prettier) , I'm dreading the photos (even if I was skinny I look like a bulldog chewing a wasp).
I went shopping with DM the other month and spent the entire fitting talking about how good she would have looked in those dresses, and saying 'well you're on about loosing more weight aren't you?' I felt like I didn't want to get married coz well if my own mother can't make me feel okay and pretty on my wedding day I'm screwed.
I feel sick with worry and the whole idea makes me sick , dreading what should be the happiest day of my life and its got worse the closer I get.
I know this is a rant but I feel like I am going to erupt or runaway I need to spill somewhere. please diplomatic I'm on the verge of tears atm.
Do I need a shake, AIBU to dread my wedding day and think everyone will be sneering at me?

[raspberry] at your mum; I am really NOT impressed with her.

FWIW, I am a broadshouldered, big-boobed size 16 14, got married aged 31 in a fabulous preloved dress by a big name designer (the name of which I cannot even remember anymore...). I was dreading the whole being-looked-at all day, having photos taken, being the centre of attention. And yy to slimmer, younger, prettier bridesmaids.
I went dress-shopping with my size 8-10 mum who had to try on a number of dresses for me as all the sample sizes were far to small for me. Not ONCE did she make me feel awkward.

I had a brilliant day; I loved my dress, I was v happy about marrying DH and we had a fab day with our family and friends.

This was 16 years ago, the photos are a great memory and I look good in them.

My top-tip: go dress-shopping with someone who will be supportive, even when honest., Yes halternecks are probably not a great idea, but concentrate on what you DO like about your body, rather than what you don't and accentuate that. Do you have waist? Boobs? I bet you have legs to your armpits envy. Find something you like about yourself and then make a dress show off that feature.

I totally agree that the wedding day has very little to do with how the marriage will work. Don't give in more importance than it deserves: it is a public marker of you and your fiance's committment to spend the rest of your lives together, no more and no less. A big celebration.
Like I said, our day was great, but not the best and not the most important day of my life. I get really cross with the hysterics over wedding days <<bah humbug>>

Avoid shopping with your mum if she makes you feel crap. I'd even consider a personal shopper...

Rooble Thu 18-Apr-13 22:01:38

Please don't dread the photos. It is not obligatory by law to have them, you know. I had size/image issues on my wedding day - in the event nobody cared what I looked like. Totally by accident we never got our formal photos back (loooong story) and as a result just cadged ones that our guests had taken which show all the people we love most having a great party. Including us. But because none are staged we both look fine in them.
But agree you should avoid shopping and fittings with your mother. Hope it all goes well

topsyturner Thu 18-Apr-13 22:02:33

OP I was a fat chick when I got married .
Size 18 at least .
I got my dressed made by a professional , and she advised as to what would suit my shape .
I decided that dh asked to marry a fat chick , so he would think it bizarre if I lost loads of weight just for a wedding !

If you find the right style for your shape (hint , 50s style suits those of us with boobs and thighs !)
Then you will look fantastic !

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:03:29

bedmonster, I'm taking some mates next time, I'm not a s,10 my feet are I'm a 22 usually a bit bigger in bridal sizes.

She kept banging on about losing weight etc really loudly not like you fat bitch, but just even going on about it was bad enough and only between brief intervals of how a mermaid dress woulds have looked fantastic on her. I just thought to myself, when do I get my day, when does it get to be about me?, ah well can't choose parents.

I worry all the photos will be horrendous, so has nobody been to a bigger ladies wedding and thought 'good god!'

HuwEdwards Thu 18-Apr-13 22:04:48

Get some advice from a personal dresser (free at big stores like John Lewis) about what suits and how to draw people's eye to your most positive areas (don't give me shit about not having any!).

I was at a wedding last year where the bride was obviously in love, gorgeous, confident, happy and had a ball. She also happened to be a large lady.

This WILL be you. Get positive, it's YOUR day, take control and have a ball!

Pollykitten Thu 18-Apr-13 22:09:38

went to gloriously busty, large girl's wedding and she had a ball and she looked beautiful - she is short and round and her DH a 6'6 string bean and they danced the night away, she in her bare feet.

I've truly only thought 'hmmm' twice - once when the bride wore a chocolate brown, frilly creation that was just a bit odd and the other who was too thin and you could see her bony back - it looked a bit joyless.

What would Gok Wan say to you? [smiley]

manicinsomniac Thu 18-Apr-13 22:11:37

YANBU as to how you feel personally. Everyone wants to look wonderful on their wedding day, the photos are things that are around foever, often in frames on display or in albums worth hundreds of pounds. Wedding dresses are usually white/very pale so hardly flattering.

But YABU to think that anyone else has a right to have any input on how you look and feel at your wedding. It's your day and you're marrying someone who loves you and who you love.

If I were you, feeling as you do, I would either lose weight to a degree I felt happy with or I would find a flattering outfit that I felt comfortable with that was not a pale colour and covered the tops of the arms/shoulders which is often the area that ends up looking too big. Then you can enjoy the day and the photos properly.

Sunnysummer Thu 18-Apr-13 22:13:03

Poor you! I agree with the others that the most important thing is to find a way to make the wedding (and the dress) right for you and your DH-to-be, just as you are.If the day and the outfit are suit you are then I bet you will feel and look happy and gorgeous, whether that's in a 'blushing bride' way or an 'Amazonian goddess' way!

You don't mention your fiancé here, but he thinks you're lovely just as you are - have you talked to him to get some reassurance? It's also unconventional, but if you feel uncomfortable having the bridesmaids in fittings, he can always come - either way, sounds like DM has lost dress fitting privileges (or needs to sort out her attitude fast).

Hope things get better soon!

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:14:42

Thanks apostrophe, you are right of course you are all right.

I think its without malice if that makes any sense ans shes always willing to help which makes me feel bad saying this stuff.

I see a lot of judgy fat comments irl and online and it makes me worry tbh.

BooCanary Thu 18-Apr-13 22:15:52

OP, you need to tailor your wedding so you feel happy and comfortable.
I worry about being unattractive, an hated the thought of everyone looking at me on my wedding day. In the end I got a family member to do the photos cvos I didnt want a big fuss and 100 photos of me!

I actually remember standing in the shower the week before the wedding, praying to God that is be good forever as long as He insured I had a spot-free back for the wedding!!! And I don't even believe in God grin .

The important thing is your DH will think you look gorgeous. Mine did he is clearly blind .

BooCanary Thu 18-Apr-13 22:16:39

* I'd be good

Read Shelly Laurenston's book Big Bad Beast - pretend you are Dee Ann, and then get out there and buy a kick ass corset (try Vollers) and a lovely long skirt to go with it to get married in, and the highest heels you can walk in (and I am so not being mean or rude or anything really, I have size 9 feet!) - try the transvestite shops/web sites if you can't find any, they do the most beautiful footwear in sizes way above 10s and find the outfit to make you know you look like why the riot started grin
(I am 5'2 and well over 20 stone so have BTDT when it comes to wedding dress angst honestly - you are TALL! so stand up and be proud and you will look fabulous grin )

FIFIBEBE Thu 18-Apr-13 22:18:44

Last year I went to a wedding of a friend who is probably a size 24, she looked amazing, she just looked so happy and genuinely radiant. Her dress fitted her perfectly and she wore it with confidence. She normally wears long cardigans and loose trousers and tops, but her dress was fitted and off the shoulder, so quite a difference and she pulled it off.

Pigsmummy Thu 18-Apr-13 22:18:59

I am 5.8 and broad, was 22 weeks pregnant getting married (not shot gun, the wedding was booked a year in advance) and I panicked too, throw back your shoulders, stick your chin out and hit the wedding shops but take a good friend/relative shopping with you, not your Mum. Then find a dress that that you don't want to take off, it does exsist, I promise x

StuntGirl Thu 18-Apr-13 22:20:10

hair, check out these posts. All brides have self-labelled as plus size, and all look as radiant and fabulous as you will on your wedding day.

offbeatbride.com/tag/plus-size

BlastAndDalmatians Thu 18-Apr-13 22:20:47

I'm quite fat and short and not hugely confident with the way I look. I have ordered my wedding dress from eBay (knee length prom dress style, no shopping!), and I'm not having bridesmaids so I have no skinny gorgeous women next to me to compare myself to!

Your mum really isn't helping your self esteem sad

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:21:04

BooCanary, Ill be scared of the photos too, but I've been a googling and alot of the prides have the odd double chin moment and hoiking up look.

btw this is the kind I want.

www.laceweddingdressesuk.co.uk/store/img/george-bride-a-line-romantic-lace-off-shoulder-wedding-dress-with-beautiful-fitted-skirt-and-sweep-train_17246_500.jpg

calmlychaotic Thu 18-Apr-13 22:21:27

I went to the wedding of a bigger lady last year,and she isn't typically pretty. But she looked just radiant on her day, it was such a lovely day, everyone enjoyed the wedding, she was just so happy it was infectious. She looked beautiful, she really did. She had pretty skinny bridesmaids too and no one was looking at them. Its your day enjoy it. Looks are irrelevant, I don't choose my friends on what they look like.

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:21:58
Chunderella Thu 18-Apr-13 22:23:14

Of course nobody is going to be comparing you unfavourably to prettier relatives. At most weddings, the bride is not the most beautiful person there. Couldn't possibly be, since not only beautiful people get married. I can't think of a single wedding I've been to where that was the case, and yet I've never heard any talk of which guests are better looking than the bride. Don't take your mother again, and see if you can go to a specialist in larger sizes. Yes, by all means lose a bit of weight before the wedding- most British adults could stand to eat more healthily and take off a few pounds after all. But people won't be sneering if you don't!

Dollybird86 Thu 18-Apr-13 22:29:05

I got married in 2011 & I am a size 16/18 I never wanted to lose weight for my wedding I was very happy to look like me on my wedding day! U will look beautiful on ur wedding day & u will feel amazing because ur marrying the person u love the most in the world! Oh & I love my wedding photos there are a few I look a bit chubbs in but we both look so happy that's all that matters! X

hairtearing Thu 18-Apr-13 22:29:30

Sorry to hear that Blast but I'm in the same boat, yeah in hindsight having skinny bridesmaids was probably a mistake!

specialsubject Thu 18-Apr-13 22:32:45

like everyone of whatever shape, to look your best you need to choose a dress that suits you.

I'm no fashion expert and I can't see you, so I've no idea what that is. So find someone who does know, and is going to dress you as you are. Also ask hubby-to-be what he would like to see. Stop going shopping with someone who insults you the whole time.

a thought; if you have lovely hair don't scrunch it up in some ghastly oversprayed fussy up do. Be yourself on your wedding day. And make sure you are comfortable, hoicking boobs and staggering in uncomfortable shoes is not a good look on anyone!

Chandon Thu 18-Apr-13 22:34:18

Your mum sounds rubbish, mums are supposed to be supportive, ffs, bad luck OP, see less of her is my advice!

You do not have to do a traditional wedding, you know? You do not have to have bridesmaids, a white dress, or anything that s "not really you".

Try to think how you would really want it to be, and do that. It could be casual affair, or a Vegas affair, or a big white p rincess do, or even a theme (50s style? ) or a simple garden party ( that is what we did, did not have money for more). Do not be bogged down by what s expected. Do what you think is fun

You do not have to be a skinny princess in a meringue, you know. I had no hair do or make up, as that just was not me. And no brides maids. And I bought my dress on my own.

Softlysoftly Thu 18-Apr-13 22:34:21

I'm bigger now than my wedding day, size 20. And when I wear my fitted keyhole neck dress with waist cinched in and hair in mad curls, I look hot. Fact grin

Wear it with confidence and people will believe. Trust me.

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