To clip DS's wings after yesterday's "issue"

[topbannana]

So DS got lost yesterday. Not a bit lost, a whole lot lost :(
We had gone to a local Forestry Commission site where there is a 7 mile cycle trail but on arrival it transpired my bike had a puncture and I am shit with the spoony tool and rubber plasters Therefore I walked with the dog while DS (9 in a couple of weeks) cycled. He was instructed to follow the numbered yellow posts, not to leave the track unless he was sure it was the correct route and to return regularly. Unfortunately he took it into his head to surprise me by doing the whole circuit and returning behind me
I came to a slightly ambiguous fork in the path so waited for him to return, which he did not. Eventually I had to get the FC man to help me. After an hour (a whole fecking hour!!!) he was returned to me in the back of a pick up truck. He was a bit tearful but maintained that he was not lost as "he knew where he was" (true but not really the point of the conversation ) I was so relieved that I did not punish the complete disregard for important instructions.
Today he wanted to go up to the fields behind our cottage. This activity also comes with a similar set of rules, all of which have been adhered to in the past. Today though I would not allow him to go, partly as a consequence of yesterday and partly because I am still a little shaken and don't think my nerves would cope with it.
He is incandescent about it and has spent all day moaning about the unfairness of it all and how he is "bored"
AIBU to do this? He WAS worried yesterday so it's not like his escapade left him untouched. I just feel he needs a little reminder of his foolishness but not to make it into a big deal.

[Rosa]

YANBU at all ... He needed a reminder and it sounds as if you hit the nail on the head...

[Flisspaps]

YANBU. He disregarded your instruction and could have come to harm by doing so, and has wasted someone else's time as a result of that. I'd have read the bloody riot act and be grounding him for the rest of the holiday. He's got off lightly and is lucky you're not as harsh as me.

[Lueji]

Regardless, I'd be worried sick that he would do it again.

[bengal38]

You sound to me like you need parenting skills. Allowing your 8 year old son off alone to cycling in the woods and also allowing hime to play in fields behind your cottage sounds very irresponsible to me.

[topbannana]

flisspaps I am normally the harshest of parents! TBH I was just so relieved that he was OK as I am normally the kind who does not see danger round every corner, it was quite a shock to have a potential incident on my hands :o

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

YANBU I would have had the shakes today too just thinking about it. My DS loses his common sense completely in light of exciting and stimulating goals.

Perhaps allow a shorter period of time next to allow him to prove himself.

If it's the field at the back of the house could you invest in some cheap walkie talkies or a spare old mobile?

[bengal38]

Well in that case maybe something has to happen to your son for you to take note that there are bad things everywhere

[magimedi]

I think YANBU. But next time you go how about teaching him some basic map reading & compass use?

Bengal - you can't keep 9 year olds wrapped in cotton wool.

[roughtyping]

Bengal have my very first

He wasn't off drinking with a gang of thugs

Children are allowed to play on their own! My 9yo goes to the park and local shop alone.

[WallyBantersJunkBox]

In this country children from the age of 4 are encouraged to walk to kindergarten independantly up to about 1km, and play in the streets at this age upwards too.

So is the nation of Switzerland wrong too then?

[topbannana]

Ha bengal I knew there would be a comment like that

At a couple weeks off of 9 how much freedom should he be allowed (admittedly a lot less after yesterday)? He gets the school bus alone and is off to big school in September. Personally I would rather that he stayed clamped to my side, holding my hand and skipping along placidly but thats hardly likely to happen.

[bengal38]

So much happens in parks these days. Older kids hanging around and stuff like that. My son is 12 and is not allowed NO-WHERE by himself and nor are his friends either. I would rather be safe than sorry than appear on the news with my son dead.

My son doesn't have to play on his own in the parks with older kids hanging around. I think you lot just want them out of your way.

And to Magimedi - Why can you not have 9 year olds wrappped in cotton wool?

[bengal38]

Why should a 9 year old have freedom away from the family? Why not have family time together instead of just letting them go away to play in the parks on their own?

[Twentytotwo]

'My son is 12 and is not allowed NO-WHERE by himself'

How does he get to and from school? At 12 unless you live in a war zone that's pretty shocking.

[Hulababy]

My DD has also been allowed to the park on her own, well with friends usually, since being 9y. On foot or on bike/scooter. She has a watch and checks in every hour, though this has increased as she has gotten older. She has been allowed to play out on our cul de sac, for a year or two before that. It's building up that bit of independence gradually.

But for now, as he broke the "rules" he has to prove he can regain the trust to do the right think. So, no going out today. Then build it up gradually again.

[bengal38]

I drop off/pick up my son from school and so do his friends mums as well. What is wrong with that?

[ChunkyPickle]

bengal - he's 9! He should be trustable to cycle off for a bit and come back - but he had a silly idea that he didn't think through and went wrong. A little bit of showing how worried you are by keeping him close will drive that home.

In a couple of years he'll be getting himself to secondary school and back - it's good that you give him enough independence that he won't be scared of that and will be trustable to do it safely.

I'm not that old, and I was walking to primary school and wandering about in the woods behind my house (as were most other kids I know) at that age.

[EarthtoMajorTom]

bengal38 when will you stop ferrying your son around? When he is 17 and passes his driving test? When will he learn road sense and how to look after himself on his own? It doesn't just arrive overnight you know.

[Hulababy]

bengal38 - I thought I was over protective, but obviously not.

At age 9y I knew I needed to allow DD a little more independence.
She is now 11y (as of 4 days ago) and today she and her friend walked to the shops - about 3/4 mile away - and bought some fruit for dinner tonight. They were very sensible. DD had her phone with her, albeit it kept inside her bag out of sight.
As of next week she is going to start walking to meet me at work from school a couple of nights a week. It's about a mile's walk.

DD goes to secondary school in September. She has to learn this independence. Almost every primary school I know of encourages children to have this increased independence regards school/home walking in Y6. DD can't walk home as it is too far, hence her meeting me at work.

I don't need her to do it for my benefit. I can collect her easily, infact her walking to my work means I will have to hang a round a little longer than I normally do. But I know that she NEEDS to do this.

I don't know any 12yo who has no independence at all. I think that is too much over protectiveness, unless there are very specific and known risks surrounding the child.

[somedayma]

I think you're going to have a big rebellion on your hands in a year or two Bengal ...

[Hulababy]

My DD would be driven half mad if she wasn't allowed some independence and freedom away from me and DH. She has her own friends and her own interests. Yes, we spend a lot of time together as a family, but there is also a real need for children to be their own person too.

[fromparistoberlin]

bengal

I used to get the tube to school aged 8 with my 6 year old brother., ah the 70s

OP, yanbu. he needs to understand, yanbu

[SauvignonBlanche]

bengal, that's ridiculous!

[BlueberryHill]

I think that whether or not it is OK for 9yo to be in parks themselves depends on the park and area surrounding it. My DS is too young yet but the park in the village is somewhere that he will be able to go to on his own, actual age depends on him, but it is a sleepy village park and the older kids keep an eye out for him. I assume the older kids that Bengal are referring to are doing underage smoking & drinking?

I don't think YABU, he was given some freedom within set bounds and he exceeded them, there was a problem and he has to take the consequences. Trust needs to be earned, he needs to earn yours back again.