to think that my H shouldn't expect my parents to pay my plane fare?

(97 Posts)

OK. I'm an American married to an Englishman, 2 kids (1 born in USA 1 born in UK), we live in the UK NEVER visit the USA. H thinks if my parents want to see us they should pay our airfares. In the past 18 years I have been back twice-- last time was 12 years ago. My parents come out to see us, about once every two years, so we do see them.

But I feel that my kids are missing out, my parents come out and visit us but the kids have no idea of what their lives are like on their home territory, so to speak, and I also have a sister who I've only seen twice in the past 20 years... she has a good job and lives in an interesting part of the USA so it could be a ready-made holiday to go out and see her/my parents.

It just really grates on my nerves that H thinks that they 'owe' us, he always takes advantage when they are here, i.e. expects them to always pick up the tab at restaurants (which they do), they're grateful that we have a guest room for them to stay in, and they always insist on buying all our groceries etc when they come over. They've also given us large amounts of cash in the past when we've needed it... financed us for a couple of years when we moved back to the USA, etc.

Last night he was saying that it was a shame that they never 'put their hands in their pockets' I think that was how he put it, and he regaled me yet again (he does this often) of stories of how others in similar situations had their parents paying their airfares, flying them out twice a year, and booking them in for holidays in exotic locations in the USA... implying that my parents fall short of the mark.

I just wonder what other people do or would expect their parents to do?
(My parents aren't tremendously wealthy) I am feeling quite disgusted by H's attitude and wouldn't dare tell my parents what is going on-- or why for the umpteenth year in a row we are going to be unable to come visit them!

BTW. In case you were wondering I am not working at the moment, I did work full time up until about 3 years ago, it is a sore point with him, as it's 'his' money it's not a question of just going ahead and booking it up without his permission! sad

Wibblypiglikesbananas Wed 03-Apr-13 19:55:06

You sound lovely but your husband sounds awful, bordering on financially abusive. How come you've been back to see your family so little over the years? Is it all because of him or did you not want to visit them?

Yes, flights are expensive but you're talking £500 return per person out of season. Surely you and the kids could have gone every other year or so, given it's your home country! I can't believe your husband wants your kids to know so little about their mum's heritage!

I live in a pretty international city and I don't know any mixed nationality couples who just 'give up' on the country they're not in. Regular visits are almost a condition of the person giving up their home country, if that makes sense.

Unless you have financial issues, I don't see why your husband is behaving like this. Also, it's not 'his' money, it's family money. Book some flights and go and see your family before it's too late!

Machli Wed 03-Apr-13 19:55:49

Three years isn't "recent" mrsoakenshield.

Maybe OP's H wasn't such a greedy grabby arse three years ago when OP was bringing in some cash. She probably didn't think she'd have to save her wages to fund the rest of her trips home forever! Who would?

DIYapprentice Wed 03-Apr-13 19:56:51

OMH, what a a complete arse!!!! YANBU at all.

Did he think your family were very wealthy when he met you? Is that the expectation, that he married into money or something???!!!

TBH I'm not sure whether I'm more disgusted with his attitude to your parents or to his own parents....

Both DH and I live on the other side of the world to our families. My DM paid for my airfare once, when I was studying, but now we pay all of our own airfares. I stay with them, now with my DSs as well, when there I buy quite a lot of groceries.

DPIL visit and stay with us, they will buy some groceries, but I certainly don't expect them to buy it all. If they want to holiday while here they will pay for us to join them. Going out, about equal I guess.

complexnumber Wed 03-Apr-13 20:00:14

So... if you think all this is true :

He's got a shocking attitude
I think you should tell him just how revolting he is.
Is he always such a total wanker, or just about money?
Your husband sees it as his money is also very telling. He sound financially abusive and very mean.
Your H is a greedy twunt. I would be embarassed by his grabby attitude tbh.

Then you know what to do.

But... can you be sure about MN concern...

Booyhoo Wed 03-Apr-13 20:02:54

" I am feeling quite disgusted by H's attitude "

yep, me too. i couldn't love or even like someone like him.

Puggy , and others, so sorry to cause upset. Yes this issue is just icing on what's actually a really bad cake, there is a lot of EA stuff going on otherwise but I won't go into details, just wanted a reaction on the fares.

MrsOak you're right I could put my foot down and pay, I did this on my last visit 12 years ago as it was a big family celebration (my dad at age of 72 gained an advanced degree at a really top uni and my mother wanted us to come to the graduation ceremony) heartbreaking that H didn't come, we were about to move house and he was being selfish saying the move was more important. He was absolutely horrible about it.

But my parents do like coming out here and we do see them, and TBH we're all happy with the arrangement but I just feel like we should take the kids to see their heritage so to speak.

What has prompted this was that I took my DD to the American Embassy today to register her birth (she is 17-and-three-quarters and it needed to be done before she turned 18 smile I never bothered to do it when she was a baby). She's keen to get an American passport and have the option of living there in the future if she chooses, or maybe even doing a graduate degree there. DS already has American Passport, and I wanted them to be equal in status. H is FURIOUS at me for doing it... there is no reason he should be furious... I think it's just that it is something I did without his permission. And he's furious that I spent 'his money' on it... FFS it was only £66 to register. But it all seems to tie in together with the fact that he seems to want to deny them their American heritage.

Yes, all, he is a horrible man. I'm dealing with that separately sad

ChasedByBees Wed 03-Apr-13 20:06:31

He sounds awful. Just awful.

Jux Wed 03-Apr-13 20:06:39

I have many many relatives; cousins live all over the world. If any of their parents were expected to pay fares back here to see UK rellies, no one would see them at all. Not that aunts/uncles are tight, but if you've got,say, 2 kids in Australia you can't fly them all over here - and their kids, and ohs - can you? One family have one child in ME, one in NZ, two in SA. How on earth could they pay for four families to come over here on a regular basis.

Your h is being ridiculous and nasty. What would happen if you just booked flights for you and the children? You'd be saving on his fare, after all. Then, just stay there.

Incidentally, does he possess redeeming features?

Wibblypig yes at some point it will be too late. I really need to get out of this!

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:08:08

I guess the worry is, he's not actually just tight. (not an attractive quality but not the worst thing in a man)
When it suits him he can spend quite liberally in order to either give himself pleasure or to affect the way others see him.

Not sure what to suggest bit I'm hoping he has some exceptional redeeming qualities

MrsSpagBol Wed 03-Apr-13 20:08:31

OP PLEASE don't apologise for posting.

That has just broken my heart. Are you ok? You've not caused any upset at all. I am sure Puggy is just upset that you are being treated so unfairly flowers

JassyRadlett Wed 03-Apr-13 20:08:42

Your husband's attitude is awful.

I'm Australian and my husband is British. We live in the UK. And we go to Australia every year, because that's the deal. We live here but prioritise our holidays on where I'm from, so I can see family and friends and show my son where he comes from.

Honestly, your husband's attitude would be a total dealbreaker for me. You've made huge emotional and social sacrifices to settle permanently in his country. He needs to recognise that and make sure he's doing what he can to make it easier.

And I'd refuse to visit his parents unless they paid, to be quite honest.

Jux sadly no. Except that he provides ££. But grudgingly.

Ask your parents to pay for you and your children, leave him at home and stay there.

SirBoobAlot Wed 03-Apr-13 20:10:30

Your 'H' sounds utterly vile.

I'm sorry you're living with this.

Emilythornesbff Wed 03-Apr-13 20:12:52

X post, sorry.
I see he does not have these redeeming qualities..

I know I bang on about them but.....

Please contact women's aid.

signet Wed 03-Apr-13 20:14:10

He is out of his mind. It is not at all up to your parents to pay for flights or anything else. They didn't choose the place where you live so why should they have to pay for it? If it is a real sticking point OP then perhaps you need to reconsider this relationship.

Smellslikecatspee Wed 03-Apr-13 20:14:10

HIS money, fuck that.

As for getting the US passport surely that's money in the bank?

He does sound like a nasty piece of work, sorry.

HildaOgden Wed 03-Apr-13 20:14:47

I'm going to be unpopular here....but I really have to ask again 'Why have you accepted this treatment of your parents??'.

I think you have a responsibility here to 'woman up'...they are your parents,and you should be protecting them from being fleeced when they arrive as guests.Passively allowing your husband to do so is disrespectful behaviour by you too,..can you not see that?

This isn't the 1950's where the 'little woman' obeyed her husband ...go visit your parents.And I say that as someone who's Father dropped dead of a heart attack without warning.

You've enabled him to behave like this for 18 years.Stop that.And stop using him as an excuse for you not sorting out joint finances.

I'm aware this sounds harsh...I hope it makes you enforce changes...while everybody is still alive to enjoy it.Don't wait until the air ticket is being bought to attend a funeral (and I've seen that happen within my own family....lots excuses re: lack of visits while alive,managed to get the air ticket when the person died though).

ImperialBlether Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:23

I would at the very least have to tell my parents not to leave him a penny in their Wills.

What I would really do, though, is leave him. He sounds awful. And I'd find the best lawyer I could to squeeze him until he squeaks.

KatyTheCleaningLady Wed 03-Apr-13 20:17:24

YANBU. I can't afford to take my kids back to Ohio, and I'm grateful my dad can visit. I wouldn't dream of expecting him to pay for any of us to visit.

CarpeVinum Wed 03-Apr-13 20:26:34

I really need to get out of this!

How old is your youngest? As in, are you near a point where you won't be trapped in the UK due to the ages of your children ? Or would you prefer to stay in the Uk even if you seperated ?

How likely is it that your parents would be willing and able to help finance a swift exit from this relationship ?

Have you broached the topic of your less than happy marriage to your family or would it be a big and unexpected reveal ?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 03-Apr-13 20:30:14

Complexnumber, what do you make of the OP's DH from her posts then?

OP, why does your DH begrudge £66 for his near adult DD to significantly widen her life options?

ivykaty44 Wed 03-Apr-13 20:30:59

sadly my uncle was like your dh - well actually I hope not as my uncle was a MCP and a fu*king b*stard to boot- but he took my dear aunt to live in a country half way across the planet and they came home once in 25 years - then uncle said to her ring your dad and get him to pay the fair home - my grandfather paid twice for them to fly home and my uncle made sure he got stopovers in places to holiday in on the way. All this was at the expense of my grandfather and he paid as he wanted to see his daughter later in life (my grandfather was not poor, comfortable really but not as wealthy as his SIL)

Oh and my uncle left 4 million - he had three sons and a daughter - he didn't leave the daughter a penny - well she was a girl.

Perhaps ask your dh what would he think of a future son or daughter in law if they took of to another country and expected him to pay the bill for the family to fly back to the uk? How would he feel if his son in law wanted him to pick up the tab all the time - would he gladly do this?

I doubt a man that greeds from other people would have short enough pockets to reach his money and pick up a tab.

Ask your own father to fly you and the children home and leave dh at home in the UK - after all he is not a blood relative and would need to pay his own fuc*king fare

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Wed 03-Apr-13 20:32:10

£66 is the cost of 2-3 bottles of champagne, right?

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