To think it's not difficult to be nice to your children?

(91 Posts)
slatternlymother Mon 01-Apr-13 17:08:01

Some of the threads/comments I've read this weekend have been horrid. People making their kids cry over April Fools 'jokes' have been the tamest.

Not only on here, but I was in Sainsburys on Friday and there was a mum absolutely screaming at her toddler dd, who was in tears. I wouldn't normally bat an eyelid at someone dishing out a bollocking, but she was almost out of control.

Seriously, is it the lighter evenings and shock of extra sunlight?!

I'm not the most patient of people by any means, but it's not hard to be nice.

My dad used to say horrible things to me:
"Shut up you little bitch"
"How are you so fucking stupid?"
"Get away from me"
"Stop eating or you'll end up as fat as your mother"

You never know what'll stay with your children and what won't.

georgie22 Mon 01-Apr-13 17:33:59

YADNBU - I often notice parents who appear to have no interest in their kids. At best they just ignore them despite the poor child's attempts to get some attention; at worst you witness their uncontrolled screaming at their sobbing offspring. I always comment to dh that some people don't seem to enjoy having children. At times we all snap when children drive us to distraction but I would say that I enjoy 99.9% of my time with dd.
I realise we never know what's going on in people's lives that contributes to their behaviour but it's sad for the kids.

Sirzy Mon 01-Apr-13 17:34:56

Sometimes yes it is difficult and everyone has different levels of tolerance. I think it's awful that help and support can he so hard to come by if you are struggling.

That doesn't excuse a lot of things and some of the posts I have read this weekend have been shocking in how they treat the children.

marjproops Mon 01-Apr-13 17:36:37

birdsgottafly* just because you're fertile...exactly. yy. and everything else you say,

also with imtooHecsy.

well, just about every poster here.

Remotecontrolduck Mon 01-Apr-13 17:36:57

I hate it. I'm not saying i've never lost my rag, but I really feel awful when I see parents shouting constantly at their kids in the street or in the supermarket. Not just exasperated 'Put that back!' Kind of thing which everyone does but 'you little twat/fucker/shit' kind of insult.

I was sat opposite someone on the train the other week who was telling her maybe two year old daughter to shut up constantly just for talking. I tried not to judge because she might have been depressed or having a bad day but it's horrible to see.

I second what someone else said up thread about not talking to your partner or anyone else like that, it would be called domestic abuse.

marjproops Mon 01-Apr-13 17:38:59

Mine had BP with her disabilities and yes, sometimes Im at the end of my tether and snap but I have NEVER, nor will I ever call her (things Ive heard people say in street to kids)

you little shit, come the fuck back her you little c....., effing bloody c...nty shit,...

and thats just the tip of the iceberg.

DONT HAVE THEM IF YOU WONT LOVE THEM

slatternlymother Mon 01-Apr-13 17:39:10

I just think if people are happy to say something like:

"Just shut the fuck up"
Or
"Get here, you little bastard"

In public; what are they saying at home?

marjproops Mon 01-Apr-13 17:40:16

mine HAS, not had. typos again.

and btw i had all this growing up too and yes, gives your self esteem the world of good doesnt it?

superbagpuss Mon 01-Apr-13 17:40:45

I always think that its easy to judge when you don't know the situation. Sometimes I have to let my ds cry because I am teaching him to man up before school. because he is small
I'm sure people think I am evil for not pandering to his every need but in September he will be at school and I'm trying to prepare him for that.

superbagpuss Mon 01-Apr-13 17:42:18

however I would never condone swearing at your kids, that's not setting a good example at all.

kinkyfuckery Mon 01-Apr-13 17:46:41

... what are they saying at home?

Actually, I am probably more calm and capable at home with my children than out and about. At home, I don't have the same pressure from other people/bystanders and can for the most part ignore them, and/or send to their room/time out. I find it much harder to discipline whilst out and about, and that's when screamy, ranty mum comes out.

TheEasterBunnyVsTheKids Mon 01-Apr-13 17:53:19

The poster who went "batshit crazy" over some Easter eggs has left me shock

We did April fools here, got the DDs up for school. Got them into their uniforms, breakfasted, hair done and teeth done, then told them!! Dd1 was pissed off at having no lie in and dd2 was pissed off there was no school!!
We took them for a bike ride instead!!! smile

Some of these posters are going to have veeeeeery long Easter holidays unless they learn to live a little!

sydlexic Mon 01-Apr-13 17:59:03

When pushed to the limit a parent might shout "for god sake shut up or you are a pain in the bum. No one should ever be forgiven for saying "shut up you little bitch, I hate you or threatening to put them in a children's home".

There is a line that should not be crossed.

SneezingwakestheJesus Mon 01-Apr-13 18:08:24

I agree sydlexic. I've heard my neighbour shout at her little boy a few times now. Mainly its just "will you fucking hurry up!" at school time but yesterday it was "why aren't you normal? Why can't you just be normal? A normal child would be excited!" and a few weeks ago it was "one of these days in just going to walk out and leave you, I can't wait!". It was so loud and screechy it actually scared my dd. I do wonder when its classed as normal parenting shouting or the kind of shouting that is a sign of abuse sad

slatternlymother Mon 01-Apr-13 18:10:02

DS is a real chatterbox. He is 2.5, and it is constant background noise. We all know how annoying that can be! But the worst I have said, when I am tired and teasy, is "can we just be quiet, please darling? Mummy is tired today." It is so hard when I just want to scream "shutupshutupSHUTUUUUUP!!" And it takes everything. But do do that would be nasty.

Graceparkhill Mon 01-Apr-13 18:22:36

I completely agree OP. The Easter egg mum post has been particularly upsetting. To describe a 4 year old in such negative terms has taken my breath away.

I don't think I am being judgey about other parenting styles and am very far from perfect but I have tried to be kind to my children and treat them as equals not lesser beings to be shouted at/ smacked/ verbally humiliated.

I assume the best about them and have been generally pleased with their development.

slatterlnly

I've had the non-stop chatter from DS and have many times run up to the bathroom to lock myself in and shout "For the Love of God Shut Up".

Then walk downstairs calmly , he's still gabbling on, but unaware.

Now 13 yo, all I get is shrug "Hmmmph" hmm from him.

Ilovesunflowers Mon 01-Apr-13 18:24:34

I past a couple in town today with 2 kids.

The Dad pushed the boy (not sure why as I missed that part). The boy (about 4) started to cry and his Mum got down to his level and literally screamed in his face telling him to stop whining. Daddy hadn't pushed him. She had watched and this hadn't happened. She was blatently lieing as I'd seen Dad do this. I was too far away to comment to her but couldn hear her screaming at the poor mite. I caught up with them a bit as the boy was daudling/crying and I heard her moaning to the Dad. 'God I'm sick of him. Why on hell's earth is he like this?' Poor little kid probably heard all this too.

Many times when I was a child my mum threatened to put me in a childrens home. There was one about 10 minutes walk away and she 'offered'/ threatened to take me round their to look.

My crime? I was a bedwetter.

BTW this was when I was less than 8 yo (I moved house at 8).

I didn't think much of it at the time (I didn't seroisly think she'd do it, but I couldn't be sure)

Pandemoniaa Mon 01-Apr-13 18:29:04

YANBU. I find casual unkindness to children really rather distressing. I wasn't a perfect mother by any stretch of the imagination and there were certainly times when I could have lost it completely with my dcs and certainly there were times when I was very cross with them.

But being cross and being habitually verbally abusive in a "go and play on the motorway" manner towards them are two quite different things. I also hate it when people over-estimate the effect that things will have on their dcs, hence not finding it funny to pretend, as an April Fools joke, that a child has won loads of toys. Because that's the sort of thing a child will take literally.

Machli Mon 01-Apr-13 18:38:55

I think it CAN be difficult occasionally. I've shouted, on occasion I go into the kitchen and mutter with fury and frustration under my breath.

However it seems to me that in the name of preventing "spoiled" children or "bad habits" a lot of cruel "parenting" is done.

And I will be honest I see A LOT of it on here "well she HAS to learn", "kids need to know its not all about them and you need to SHOW them that" etc etc etc.

IMO well rounded decent parenting means that you don't have to be particularly unpleasant to your children or make them unhappy in order to SHOW them how to be. For example the uptightness about eating chocolate this Easter I have seen on here has really astounded me. I used to stuff my face with it on Easter Sunday when I was a kid but not for a second did i think that every day from now on would be a big chocolate free for all. Some people seem to think that even letting off the reins slightly will result in a ruined child and do what I can only describe as unnecessary parenting. Making their kids really unhappy.

We might not beat our kids but I do think a lot of parents see their children almost as something to be scared of, scared of what they will become if we don't ride them constantly.

Ime most kids actually know how to behave generally from social learning and just need it tweaking occasionally.

Startail Mon 01-Apr-13 18:40:03

What are they saying at home? At home I'd be cuddling DD2 reading to her and loving her dearly. For the five minutes you saw us leaving school I was yelling at her.

Why because DD2 behaved impeccably in school and saved every tiny injustice for a massive winge feast as she walked out of school.

This would have been easier to ignore if she didn't have a older sister who because of being dyslexic and getting bullied had a 1000 reasons to winge and never did.

She grew out of it after a couple of years, but l did some times feel like leaving her at school.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 01-Apr-13 18:44:35

Well I am a shouty parent, not a sweary shouty parent or calling them names but I am a loud person and if I'm pissed off I expect the whole street can hear me sometimes. By the same token when I'm happy I'm completely over the top to and you would see me playing hopscotch outside with the rest of the dc that live around.

I think everyone can get stuck in a rut (I'm in one now) where they stop noticing the good things about their dc and everything they do irritates you. As long as you recognise it and make an effort to sort it out I don't think it's a bad thing. My dc certainly don't walk around on eggshells no matter how shouty I have been.

microserf Mon 01-Apr-13 19:01:38

I think it's often a "know it when you see it" thing. I can occasionally be shouty, but I try to make sure it is never insulting, just me telling them what they need to do.

I have on a couple of occasions when very stressed and stretched told my dd to shut up. I felt so bad, we sat down quietly later and I told her I was sorry for speaking to her in that way. Talked about it with dh afterwards to agree different parenting strategies. I am ashamed of having done it and now very vigilant about the kind of stressed feeling coming on. now i now count to 10 or more before saying anything. My mum shouted at us a lot for pretty much anything, and I had to really focus on becoming the kind of parent I wanted to be to make sure I don't parent the same way she did.

I have walked past a mum screaming abuse at a toddler in a pram. As in "shut the fuck up you little shit, what the fuck is wrong with you". I stood and watched her debating whether to intervene, when she looked up and saw me, was clearly not expecting anyone to be there and dashed off. She looks pretty embarrassed. I have always hoped it was a one off and not indicative of her usual parenting style. I looked out for them for ages afterwards as it was just outside my house.

InNeedOfBrandy Mon 01-Apr-13 19:03:50

Oh and I think it can be quite hard to be nice to your dc when you have dc that constantly consistently push your boundaries and buttons. We can't all have nice little dc that sit around and read books all day. If I didn't take my ds out to burn all his energy off I wouldn't have a house left! Even when he's been running around all day you can still find him running his skateboards and cars along the tv, pulling down the curtains because he's banging on the window because he's seen a friend, throwing his football at his sister or a memorable incident last year when he jumped off dd's bunkbed grabbed the ceiling light and swung there before falling down and pulling the cord out the ceiling.

I would love a ds who would sit down and be goggle eyed all day with the tv or his ipod. Nothing keeps him still ever.

Inseywinseyupthespout Mon 01-Apr-13 19:19:20

I think parenting is the hardest thing in the world ! I really don't get how some people say "oh I never shout / smack and I never would" - fair enough , but you can't judge parents that do - I'm talking occasionally / rarely - not daily - that would be abusive.

I have no idea what I'm doing and this week has been shit ! I'm finding it very tough with a 3 yr old and an 11 month old - the toddler is a hitting, screaming nightmare and the baby is a whingey , clingy nightmare !

I've screamed & shouted and sworn under my breath - the way some people make out on here is that this is a reflection of bad parenting ...

They don't see the hugs , kisses , emotions I feel and they don't see the praise I give and the amount of times I tell my dd I love her . I apologise when I'm wrong and I've lost my temper .

I work full time , I'm knackered , anaemic , run down, stressed about money and I'm only human !

I'm not saying that calling your kids names , daily abuse etc is right - just saying I think some people are too quick to judge bad parenting !

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