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To think I married a fucking Neanderthal?

(191 Posts)
wongadotmom Mon 01-Apr-13 08:29:48

We have been having a row about a stag do DH is going to that's coming up in a few weeks time.

I work shifts (NHS) and I pointed out to him that I am rostered to work that weekend so I have told him he will have to make arrangements for childcare for DS(4) before he goes.
DH works mon-fri term-time only so my unsocial hours shifts are not usually a problem re: childcare.

He said that I knew he would be going on this stag do around this time so I should have requested those shifts off so I will now have to sort childcare as it's my fault!

I explained to him AGAIN that I am only allowed a maximum 4 requests per 4 week period and I have used up all those on the wedding weekend (5 hour drive away) and for a day when DS's nursery is closed.

Now he is saying that I should have requested the stag-do weekend off rather than the wedding weekend as we are only invited to the evening do and do I really want to go all that distance just for a night do?

I said not really but I thought that he thought it would be more important for us to be at the wedding celebration than for just him to go to the stag and not us the wedding.

He said that the stag do is more important to the men than the wedding. The wedding is more important to the women.

I said I don't understand that, it makes no sense to me!

He said "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU ARE A WOMAN"

Please help! AIBU? Or have I married a fucking Neanderthal? I am really upset sad

TidyDancer Mon 01-Apr-13 12:32:14

If I read it correctly, you're not asking him not to go, is that correct? Just ha he has to sort childcare?

I don't see his issue. If he wants to go, he can go.

You, my love, are married to a giant tithead.

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 12:32:14

I think that lots of men probably do prefer the stag do to the wedding.
I don't really like weddings or hen nights.

But this is a holiday he's talking about.
dS needs looking after so someone needs to sort it.
Don't talk to him about it any more. He'll just end up making it look like YAbu.
He sounds like a selfish cunt. Sorry.
Your story has upset me actually.

TidyDancer Mon 01-Apr-13 12:33:09

Just that he, not ha he....iPad misbehaving!

wongadotmom Mon 01-Apr-13 12:37:55

No this is not his usual approach with normal nights out or work trips. Every year he goes on a fantastic working trip to some fabulous location in the world for 10 days and I bend over backwards to accommodate these trips by booking annual leave well in advance. My shifts are impossible to do when I am home alone with a young DS. On top of this he has one or two field trips each year with work involving stays of 3-4 nights each. I am happy to accommodate these. Of course this does not cost us family money.

I don't put any limits on his nights out, he goes out regularly without me. But his approach to these weekends (Friday - Monday) away is always really shitty. Maybe guilt because he knows it's unfair or whatever, I don't know.

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 12:41:58

Ok, so you both get to have leisure time individually?
Or you go out together and he goes out alone (with his friends)?

ATM it sounds like he has a great deal at your expense.
If that's the case I'm surprised you need to ask your original question.

YouTheCat Mon 01-Apr-13 12:42:22

Your work takes priority over his jollies.

If he wants to go he sorts out the childcare. I'd suggest he gets on with it as you won't be missing work for him to go whether he has gone every year or missed out on loads.

Spell it out in words of few syllables.

Emilythornesbff Mon 01-Apr-13 12:43:19

Where do you live. If u r near me I'll have DS for you grin

outtolunchagain Mon 01-Apr-13 12:44:11

A wedding is a massive legal,financial and emotional commitment , how can any sane person think that a drunken weekend is more important .

Where do these men come from .YANBU

SadOldGit Mon 01-Apr-13 12:45:59

What an arse. This pisses me off - I work shifts, my OH works 9-5 in hospital, cannot get why it is so difficult to request shifts. In our household as OH is normally childcare for weekends then if he is away (and I am working) he knows it is his responsibility to sort out childcare.

That said as my name implies I am miserable git and would likely not bother with either a stag/hen do or the wedding!

specialsubject Mon 01-Apr-13 12:47:24

perfectly reasonable not to find a wedding interesting - but there are bigger fish here.

doesn't sound like much of a marriage, I'm afraid. He goes out a lot without you, doesn't pull his weight much over the childcare and doesn't seem to enjoy your company.

I hope I'm wrong - otherwise why are you bothering?

littlemisssarcastic Mon 01-Apr-13 12:47:28

What are you going to do OP? If you do leave the childcare arrangements up to DH, what will he do?

I'm just trying to think of a way to resolve this, and so far, haven't come up with anything.

Btw, he sounds like a very sexist, entitled, unpleasant man. Has he always been like this?

EostreChaoticResurrEggtion Mon 01-Apr-13 12:50:47

Whether or not the stag do is more important is irrelevant. The fact remains that it is his responsibility to sort out childcare.

You, my love, are married to a giant tithead.

Oh, and this. YANBU

NomNomDePlum Mon 01-Apr-13 12:54:35

he sounds like a cunt, tbh. yanbu, except in the sense that you are understating his twattery.

wongadotmom Mon 01-Apr-13 12:59:40

TBH I am actually relieved that the wedding is not important at all to DH because I don't know how the fuck we were supposed to afford it! A 10 hour round trip just to a night do, petrol, accommodation, bar money. And as for wedding present I was gunna tell DH he can go and fuck himself when we would have gone overdrawn for just a night do!
DH said who's looking after DS (not invited) I said we are! He said you can't bring him I said we can't leave him so it looks like I can get out of going to the crummy night do after all! I think I'll take me and DS down to my cousins (1 hour away) to stay that weekend we'll have some proper fun!

bridgetsmum Mon 01-Apr-13 13:08:55

I agree with Kansas.
You're having a pointless argument over something you should just be able to talk about and sort out together.
You're working, he's going to the stag do, you're child needs looking after.
Discuss it like a pair of adults and stop being so silly.

wongadotmom Mon 01-Apr-13 13:13:44

And no he is not always like this. He is only like this at this time of year when he goes on the lad's weekend. He is a twat with me before he goes.

And if he doesn't go due to being unable to afford it/him scared of my reaction Fuck Me do I know about it. He skulks around during the lad's weekend pulling his face cos he has to stay with boring me and DS while he's thinking of all the fun he is missing with the saddos lads. All that amphetamine, ecstasy, cannabis and shrooms they are taking without poor him who has to stay with the wife and DS.

We both have good jobs and work very hard and we share the childcare and it works really well. We can manage really well financially as long as I keep reins on unnecessary spending cos if it wasn't for my attitude we would be thousands in debt now. Seriously.

OnwardBound Mon 01-Apr-13 13:26:15

Your DH sounds like a real catch OP.

I think those telling you to discuss the situation like adults are missing the point.

OP is not married to an adult, she is married to an adolescent who is disgruntled that he is not allowed to do what he wants to [taking drugs with the lads, yay!] without having to take responsibility for boring shit like homework and tidying his room childcare issues.

OP, I am not sure what the answer is here. You do need to have a serious discussion with your DH but I am not at all sure that he will understand or make amends in this situation...

howshouldibehave Mon 01-Apr-13 13:26:20

Term time, well-paid job? Away on residentials? Is your DH a teacher?

Lads' jolly with ecstasy and shrooms sounds like a brill idea ;)

roughtyping Mon 01-Apr-13 13:27:17

OP sad YANBU. I know plenty of these half children/half men, they are nightmares. Just know that everyone else thinks that they're twats.

AThingInYourLife Mon 01-Apr-13 13:28:25

"And if he doesn't go due to being unable to afford it/him scared of my reaction Fuck Me do I know about it. He skulks around during the lad's weekend pulling his face cos he has to stay with boring me and DS while he's thinking of all the fun he is missing"

What a cunt.

Really, a man who would take it out on you that there is not enough money for him to go taking drugs for the weekend is not a man worth having.

wongadotmom Mon 01-Apr-13 13:30:20

Howshouldibehave - you got that right smile

wongadotmom Mon 01-Apr-13 13:31:33

AThingInYourLife - you are right! But I love him!

Casserole Mon 01-Apr-13 13:32:44

Um. Thing is, you ARE thousands of pounds in debt right now. You have a massive bank loan that you are paying back at an "uncomfortable" rate.

He sounds like he's being a twat, for sure. But you aren't coming off great either tbh. Who can have your DS? Friends, relatives? Just get it sorted. It's not THAT big a deal. The rst of it - him wanting to go on lads holidays and take all sorts while you ARE in massive debt - that's the bigger deal. I think you're both missing the point a bit, sorry.

YouTheCat Mon 01-Apr-13 13:33:02

Does he realise that somewhere in his contract there will be a clause about drug use?

AThingInYourLife Mon 01-Apr-13 13:36:45

No way should you get childcare sorted so this overgrown twatty student can go off taking drugs for the weekend while you work to pay off massive debts run up by him.

The very fucking least he can do us sort out his own babysitter if he wants to go out when you are working.

That's what normal parents do.

Except they don't go pissing money up a wall while their family is struggling and they don't speak to their spouse like shit.

You might love him, but men who love their wives don't treat them this way.

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