Sister set her wedding date two months before mine

(82 Posts)
Karadi Sun 31-Mar-13 21:54:48

She did check with me that it was alright and even though i was taken aback, I said its fine go ahead

A bit of background. Ive been seeing my finance for a couple of years, got engaged in Sept and have been dithering about setting a date but thought we do it July. Small wedding so not much planning req.

Sister met her finance in Sept, had a whirlwind romance and they have deceided to get married and not wait. Sister is 36 yrs old and wants to start a family asap and thinking of getting married in May.

Considering all this I have said go ahead but at the back of my mind i think she is being a bit U and sort of trying to upstage me. I say sort of because she is lovely and we are very good friends so i dont think all this is conscious. She is older than me btw.

So AIBU for thinking she is?

Mother2many Wed 03-Apr-13 16:14:15

I think your worried that people won't be able to travel to go to BOTH weddings?

I agree with ImTooHecsyForYourParty , maybe have it a few days after hers...and then out of town, people travel LONG distances can attend both! smile)

I'm sure if she confronted you about the date, she would understand just talking about how you feel about everything.... Doesn't hurt to talk and ask for suggestions on how to make things work for both of you. flowers

allagory Mon 01-Apr-13 23:48:05

Karadi - difficult decision, so mature. Your sister is lucky to have you.

FamiliesShareGerms Mon 01-Apr-13 20:01:32

It's a bit Bennett sisters to worry about which sister gets married first

foreverondiet Mon 01-Apr-13 19:59:41

Yabu as you said you were dithering about when, why should she wait when you dithering? if you are worried about overseas guests have the wedding a few days after hers.

Trills Mon 01-Apr-13 19:55:48

You've been dithering and have not set a date.

She has reasons to want to get married quickly.

As far as she knew you could have waited another year.

She's not dong it to upstage you, she's doing it because she wants to be married.

Trills Mon 01-Apr-13 19:51:39

Having a wedding is not "upstaging" someone, it is just "having a wedding".

emess Mon 01-Apr-13 19:49:43

OP I think you have found a sensible way through this. I am glad.

Real-life story: A (female) and B got engaged at New Year and declared they would marry in 1.5 years (in June). A's older brother then got engaged to his gf shortly after, and declared they would marry in August. A felt upstaged and felt it was unfair on their widowed mother (despite widowed mother not having to pay for son's wedding, obviously). So A and B pulled their wedding forward to November. A was miffed that she couldn't have the June wedding she'd dreamed of. She's my MIL and is still complaining about it 60 years later!! OP, don't let this be you ...

Bogeyface Mon 01-Apr-13 19:05:58

I wonder if the reason the sister has jumped in first is because she is older and feels that as the elder sister she should be the one that gets married first. Some people are stupid about that sort of thing. I know someone who stopped speaking to her younger sister because the younger sister had a baby first, even though the older one didnt want kids at that point. As far as she was concerned, the younger sister should have waited until the older sister had had at least one baby before starting her own family, and if that meant waiting 5 years, well tough, wait!

kelda Mon 01-Apr-13 19:00:38

You don't sound that bothered about getting married if you have postponed the wedding - although how can you postpone if you had never set a date anyway?

If you really want to get married, stop thinking about it and just do it. Nothing and no-one would have stopped me marrying my dh.

janey68 Mon 01-Apr-13 18:54:10

I think you've got the far better deal by postponing. I'm still
wondering how on earth your sister is going to get a big do booked and organised for next month!! Youve got far more chance of getting the rellies from abroad over

piratecat Mon 01-Apr-13 18:25:44

if it means alot of people won't be able to take time off or be able to afford to come to your wedding then i don not think you are being unreasonable.

she was unreasonable to get in there before you, and i feel she should have held off.

that's what i would have done if it was my sister and she'd been talking to me about wedding plans for this year.

HildaOgden Mon 01-Apr-13 18:21:57

I don't think you should be annoyed with your sister...I think you should be annoyed with yourself for procastinating.

Your wedding wasn't even booked.

Plumsofgold Mon 01-Apr-13 18:14:27

I think it's very odd that you are now postponing your wedding. I was under the impression that getting married was about the 2 of you. If people want to see you get married then they will still come.

DontmindifIdo Mon 01-Apr-13 17:47:47

Sally, a lot of the 'cross over' guests will have to fly in from overseas. It does mean two weddings a couple of months apart in the UK is both too far away for them both to be covered in one trip, and too close together for a lot of people to find the money again for another UK trip. It's really good of you to move it OP.

Sallyingforth Mon 01-Apr-13 17:44:28

I don't see any problem with it. You are both getting married and you both set dates that are right for you. I would only be concerned if they were the same week and made attendance difficult for friends.

DontmindifIdo Mon 01-Apr-13 17:34:44

i think its very generous of you to pospone if you think it'll be a problem having them so close together - in fact to me that's the opposite of bridzilla - you've realised that actually it might be a problem for your guests to attend both so close together, so rather than stamp your feet and say "but I was first" and try to force people to do both/pick yours, you've changed it it make it possile for people to do both.

JenaiMorris Mon 01-Apr-13 17:29:17

"Miffed" is probably a good word in this context. I'd be miffed too. I wouldn't be incandescent with rage or wailing because my wedding was ruined - ruined!!!! but yeah, I'd be a bit put out. Wouldn't anyone?

Being thrilled for the other couple and being a bit "hang on, I was meant to be doing this first" aren't mutually exclusive.

Groovee Mon 01-Apr-13 17:20:33

My wedding date was set for 13 months. Then my brother got married 5 weeks before me. It went fine but I was miffed.

Moknicker Mon 01-Apr-13 16:44:20

Thank you to everyone who has taken the trouble to post on this thread. I have found this really useful to help to think through my feelings on this.

To those posters who have asked me to be happy for my sister - I am. Do you not understand nuanced emotions whereby one can be extremely happy for someone that they love dearly but also feel slightly grumpy with them at the same time?

lovetomoan Mon 01-Apr-13 16:27:12

There will be two different weddings, do not worry about this and I am sure both will be fine as most weddings are.

TiggyD Mon 01-Apr-13 15:57:56

Refer to her wedding as "the warm up".

JenaiMorris Mon 01-Apr-13 15:55:43

Karadi I hope you enjoy your marquis in a marquee grin

It's very good of you to postpone your wedding. I don't think you were being at all bridezilla, other than when you mentioned being upstaged and even then like I said earlier I think it was the guests issue that bothered you most.

CSIJanner Mon 01-Apr-13 15:18:05

Karadi - that's v sweet of you to postpone. I think your sister might realise and appreciate it, even if you don't tell her the reason why. I hope you enjoy both days x

Karadi Mon 01-Apr-13 15:04:25

Countrykitten - think i will have both smile

and RTFT

LaQueen Mon 01-Apr-13 15:02:02

I really don't see how any bride can possibly feel up-staged by anyone else's wedding hmm

You're marrying the man you love, your wedding will be lovely...how can someone else's wedding detract from that? I don't get it?

But, I know that people think very differently sad

DH and I got married 6 weeks before a close relative's wedding. We never stopped for a moment to think we might be upstaging them (although the bride did accuse us of this, to our guests at our wedding hmm ).

We had been together 10 years...got engaged in the spring, and wanted to marry that summer. There were only a handful of days left available at the venue we wanted, so...

To be honest, we were too busy organising our own wedding, to fret about anyone's else wedding...and we assumed the close relative would be too. Except she wasn't...she genuinely thought we should delay our wedding until the following year, so as not to up-stage her hmm

I just don't get it. I loved our wedding day, nothing could have made me feel up-staged...and I would have been perfectly happy for the other bride to marry the week before us, or the week after...it just wouldn't have impacted on our day, at all.

I just saw our wedding as a huge party we were throwing, and not something to get so irrtate about, or so hissy about. It was just one day, and amazing day, yes, but still just one day smile

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