Oh God, this is possibly going to get me the biggest flaming ever but I really don't know if I am BU or not...

(143 Posts)
MarmaladeTwatkins Mon 25-Mar-13 10:50:06

Last year, I started paying in to a life insurance policy that will pay out a lump sum to DH/DS in the event of my death. My mum was asking what had prompted me to take out such a thing (she thinks that planning for when you are not here is morbid, especially at my age) and I said the normal things... to leave DH/DS with some money to to with whatever they choose, to pay for my funeral...

My mum goes "I've got nothing to leave for my funeral" I said "Well maybe you should think about setting one up too? It only needs to be about a tenner a month, maybe even less" She went "Mmmmm... nah."

Obviously, I really, really don't want to think about my mum dying but it IS going to happen at some point sad If the absolute worst were to happen in the near future, I would have no money to pay for her funeral costs. I really thought that most normal people paid for their funeral costs via life insurance/savings etc? I know all of my grandparents did, MIL has cover set up. I don't know what my mum is expecting of me, though. I made a vague noise of concern about it and she went "Ha ha just roll me in a rug and chuck me in a river! That'll be fine with me" I really think that she thinks that there will be some kind of budget option of funeral that will cost me £50. I really don't want to press her on this as it's grim.

AIBU?

VanitasVanitatum Mon 25-Mar-13 10:52:20

Her funeral costs can be paid for from her bank accounts after her death if she has any money. There is a form the bank provide for this.

kinkyfuckery Mon 25-Mar-13 10:52:35

I'm not sure what your question is.

AYBU to have an insurance policy?
AYBU to suggest your mum does?
AYBU to wonder if there is a budget option?

GirlWiththeLionHeart Mon 25-Mar-13 10:53:29

Yanbu. She is being selfish, sorry. Funerals are bloody expensive and parents shouldn't leave their children to fork out for it if they can afford it.

edwardsmum11 Mon 25-Mar-13 10:53:45

Nope not at all. Taxes and death are our only certainties in life. My inlaws have theirs set up as do my parents.

propertyNIGHTmareBEFOREXMAS Mon 25-Mar-13 10:54:45

I can see why you are upset with the situation but I think your mum is entirely entitled to chose to enjoy spending her money whilst she is alive rather than save it for when she is dead.

emsyj Mon 25-Mar-13 10:55:22

Funeral costs have the first claim on the estate, before any debts or other payments - so as long as she has something, that will go to her funeral. As Vanitas says, banks and building societies will normally release funds to settle the undertaker's bill (I used to just forward the bill to them - ex probate lawyer) as there is nothing that takes priority over funeral expenses.

Is she totally penniless? Average funeral costs have increased dramatically over the last few years - back in the day, I used to see bills for around the £1200/£1500 mark as being about average, now it's closer to £2.5/£3k shock.

sleepyhead Mon 25-Mar-13 10:55:31

If you're really worried about it and don't think she'd have any savings to cover it, and know that it'll eventually be down to you, I think you might be able to take out a policy on her behalf (possibly wrong about that though).

YANBU to inquire as to her financial arrangements re a funeral. Funerals can cost thousands. Perhaps ask her if she knows what a simple funeral costs? I don't think it's morbid, btw. It's one of the few ways you can help your loved ones after your death.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 25-Mar-13 10:56:08

I think people should not leave their children to pay for their funerals.

Tailtwister Mon 25-Mar-13 10:56:46

YANBU. It's very sensible to plan for the costs of your funeral. I would hate my family to come under extra pressure whilst grieving by having to find a large sum of money to deal with me.

WizardofOs Mon 25-Mar-13 10:57:25

I don't think most people think much about paying for their funeral. The cost can be claimed from the estate though (if their is enough of one). There is no budget funeral option really. I arranged one with no service and a cardboard coffin and it still cost the best part of 2K with all the disbursements like transportation of the body and the crem fees etc. I didn't do it to save money at all ( it would have been what the person in question wanted) but it was a shock how it added up.

UnChartered Mon 25-Mar-13 10:57:34

YANBU

it's fine for her to spend her cash and enjoy it, but by NOT setting up a fund for her funeral expenses, she's actually dictating how you spend yours

maybe talk to her again about having a no-frills plan that will cover the costs

escape Mon 25-Mar-13 10:57:36

What her Mother is not 'entitled to do is expect someone to shell out 2.5k on an 'average' funeral ( cremation) which is what they cost in my area... . The Government will not 'help out' if any member of immediate family are in any kind of employment. So someone , somewhere has to find it.

sleepyhead Mon 25-Mar-13 10:58:09

She's entitled to do as she likes property, but the fact is that Marmalade can't chuck her mother's dead body in the river, so there is an inevitable cost that will have to be met. I think the council may cover a very basic cremation if there's literally nothing in the estate though.

My Dad took out a policy that was advertised on the tv that will cover his funeral expenses.

There was a thread not long ago about funeral costs or something along those lines and the total ran into thousands! shock I had no idea they were so expensive.

Yanbu to want her to get a policy sorted will she if you ask her?

ProphetOfDoom Mon 25-Mar-13 10:59:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheBigJessie Mon 25-Mar-13 11:01:24

Casually inform her what they actually cost, and that there is no cheap fly-tipping-at-the-canal funeral option!

WishIdbeenatigermum Mon 25-Mar-13 11:01:27

It's tricky! Yanbu to hope she'd prepared, but can't/ shouldnt make her.Is she of an age where her peers are dying? Is she normally feckless? It can really take the pressure off emotionally as well as financially of she's already chosen a director, style of funeral etc.
But you can't make her plan it!

fedupofnamechanging Mon 25-Mar-13 11:01:36

I think it's selfish to just let your kids worry about it when you are dead. What if you have no money to pay for it and there is nothing left in the estate to cover it?

Can next of kin refuse to pay for a funeral, if there are no funds in the deceased's estate?

Unless your mum has rolls of cash under her bed she is bu to expect you to find the money for her funeral. When fil died, we would have been stuffed to pay for the funeral if MIl didn't qualify for the grant you get if on certain benefits. We now know when mil goes we would have to find that knew ourselves as we aren't on any benefits so SIL has taken out a small plan of abut £5 a month that will give us around £5000 in the event of mil death. Mil has nothing to leave us at all and SIL is single and supporting her, so the bulk of cost would probably fall to DH and I. So I find a degree of comfort that there are plans in place.

My parents have it all sorted, but they are in a much more secure financial situation. And considerably younger and healthier than the inlaws.

Talk to your mum and explain your worries. Offer to pay half if its about the money. If it give you peace of mind.

tazzle22 Mon 25-Mar-13 11:03:49

maybe suggest she dontates her body to research so you wont have to pay for her funeral .......... or suggest she contacts a funeral directors to find out the cost of even the cheapest funeral.

I dont think you are BU if you are asking if you should press her on this .... as NOK you will of course be direcly impacted by her death.

Booyhoo Mon 25-Mar-13 11:04:07

can i ask what happens if someone dies leaving nothing and the family just refuse to pay anything or take out any sort of payment plan thing for a funeral? what happens to the body?

FloatyBeatie Mon 25-Mar-13 11:04:46

Payment of funeral costs is only a small part of the benefit of a life insurance policy. You have taken out a policy because you have a child dependent, and your family will suffer a loss of earnings in the event of your death and/or possibly a load of costs temporarily replacing the home work that you do (childcare, manintaining house, etc.

It looks like funeral costs are the only issue that you think your mother needs to arrange for you to receive: because you aren't any longer her a financial dependent of hers, there isn't any other life insurance benefit that is relevant for you.

So what you seem to think is that she should have a funeral payment plan in place. Why? The money will come from her before her death or it will come from her estate after her death. A funeral payment plan is bound to involve some slice of benefit to the providers at her cost. Why should she arrange this just so you, or her executors don't need to sort it out? A funeral is a last gift of care to a deceased person. Some people pre-arrange the payment, some don't. It has little to do with the kind of life insurance that a mother of dependent children might need.

SarahBumBarer Mon 25-Mar-13 11:07:23

There is still a pauper's funeral - local authorities must conduct a funeral if there is no money and no-one willing to pay.

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