Apparently I am 'financially abusive', am I?

(16 Posts)
YellowFishy Fri 22-Mar-13 19:33:28

DH's sister has been telling pil I am financially abusing my husband, hoard all the money and control all the finances. I'm annoyed with the whole situation and want DH to explain to his family, unfortunately DH thinks this is funny and doesn't think our finances are anyone elses business which I also get!
This all came about because DH was looking to buy something online at sisters house. He siad he wouldn't buy it because he would have to check with me and ask me to transfer money to his account. On the whole this is true, but it painted a very wrong picture. DH and I share 3 joint accounts, a main one where all money goes into it, a 'fun' account which we use for internet purchases, treats etc and a savings account. Thats it, no credit cards, no store cards, no personal accounts.
DH doesn't ever look online at our accounts, doesn't know how to access them, won't pay bills etc. He leaves all the bills, including his personal tax etc, to me, he doesn't even open them. So I am left to deal with everything. The only card he wants is to access our 'fun' account so he can buy the odd thing or two, but as this account is topped up as needed, yes he ends up asking me if there is enough money in there. He has no idea about our savings unless I tell him, he just isn't interested.
I do always tell him what we have and where, when we need to cut back etc, what bills come in. I do all his accounts (self employed business) and sort all his invoices/ payments. This works for us as he hates anything to do with money and I am better at being organised. I always want him to take on more responsibility for our money as I worry what would happen if something happen to me. I've given him all the passwords to the online banking, he won't use them, I keep trying to get him to order new pin for the main account but he isn't interested.
Now his family think I control everything and criticise me for it, but it isn't by choice. they've really got a bee in their bonnet about it and I want to explain to them but at the same time don't think I should have to defend myself and our finances are none of their business!!

HumphreyCobbler Fri 22-Mar-13 19:36:16

I think your DH should protect you by saying that HE is unwilling to sort out any financial arrangements so he is happy to leave it all to you.

I agree it is none of their business, but your DH needs to make sure they understand the situation.

YouTheCat Fri 22-Mar-13 19:36:38

He needs to make it clear to them that he'd only be asking you to make sure there was enough in the account to cover the cost, not asking if he was allowed to buy the item.

DinglebertWangledack Fri 22-Mar-13 19:37:52

Tell them what you have written here, their son doesn't show interest so you have to co ordinate things and you have given him all the necessary things required and he still does not look. That's not being financially abused, that's sheer bone idleness.

ChairmanWow Fri 22-Mar-13 19:38:50

YANBU. He needs to explain that he can't be arsed with the finances and leaves it all to you if they really do claim it's financial abuse. If that's what they're saying then they're overreacting massively and need to wind their necks in.

If it bothers you then next time he asks what's in the account tell him to check himself.

I wouldn't say you are at all....it's an arrangement you're both happy with. I take charge of money in our relationship as well because DH is terrible and would spend it all on cows or magic beans grin

As long as your DH is happy, and you are, it's no-one else's business. I'd be annoyed too though. DH has the piss taken out of him sometimes because when he gets invited out he likes to clear it with me first and tells them (his mates) so. He's "under the thumb" apparently....and if he decides not to go out it's because I've "grounded him". Not true at all, we just like to check with each other first....but it annoys me that they think I'm some controlling harridan sometimes.

detoxlatte Fri 22-Mar-13 19:40:21

The key issue is that your DH could have greater financial control if he wanted it, that you're not stopping him.

The fact he finds the situation with his family funny says it all.

I can see how the facts might make it look like you have too much control, though. It's probably good that they take an interest, imagine if you were financially abusive.

A jovial "I bloody well wish he would take more of an interest" would probably resolve this, chances are they are aware he might be a bit lazy when it comes to managing money.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Mar-13 19:47:33

Apart from my DH knowing how to get into our accounts online and doing a few bits and bobs when I can't be arsed your set up sounds much the same as ours.

Your SIL is a cheeky mare adding up two and two and spreading it round that it's five, she may mean well (as in if she thought you were being abusive she was worried about her brother), but your DH said it wasn't the case and he's the one who should know!

She doesn't sound as though she likes you much.

Hissy Fri 22-Mar-13 19:50:14

Stop doing it then!

He's old enough to run his own life, you've just taken over where his parents left off bu the sounds of it.

I'd love someone to take all the boring bills away, so that I can swan about in my life without a care in the world, and delegate the worry, but I've no choice. I live in the real world. To leave your entire financial responsibility to one person is unfair on them, it's a loathesome task, time consuming and actually extremely short-sighted.
Think of the abysmal example this sets to DC!

Many women have fallen into this trap, only to be cruelly brought up to speed when the proverbial hits the fan.

Add to this he's laughingly allowing your SIL to talk shite about you, and make mad accusations about you. He needs to put it right.

Theicingontop Fri 22-Mar-13 19:51:08

You're in a very similar arrangement to me and OH. He deals with bills. We have three accounts. Mine, which our child benefit gets paid into, the main income account which houses his wages and all tax credits etc, and our savings account.

I don't see any of them apart from the screen of my account, at the atm. I don't have online passwords, I lost them ages ago, and I don't care. He transfers money when I need or want it, he tells me when we need to cut back, he pays all the bills and manages everything. He even did this when I was working, I didn't have access to my wages, they all went into the income account. He's always asking if I want to look. I don't.

If I explained all of that to my family there'd be an intervention and a womens refuge would be in touch in a short while. It's what works for us! Money stresses me out, I hate it, I hate dealing with it. But I would, if I had to... I just don't need to. I know he's responsible and that we're not treading water.

Your DH needs to come to your defence, because I know I'd come to my OH's if someone had the wrong idea of things.

None of their beeswax!

Pigsmummy Fri 22-Mar-13 19:53:23

Could you manage my finances too please? Seriously your DH is lucky to have you and is saving a fortune in accountancy fees. If you are confronted just say what you have on here and laugh in their faces! ask you DH to say the same.

YellowFishy Fri 22-Mar-13 19:54:31

No SIL doesn't like me much, we are very different people and I think she disagrees with pretty much every step I take down to how I think we should raise our children, my career, me returning to university, etc etc! She thinks DH changed too much when he met me and that I forced that on him. He and her used to be a lot closer, but much of it circulated around drink and recreational drugs DH stopped all of this when we met 11 years ago as that wasn't the partner, husband or father he wanted to be (his words not mine!). She hasn't changed that lifestyle and thinks I have 'torn them apart'.
I have joked about it, the money thing that is, in a way to say wish he did more etc but they keep on at me about it, though don't seem to mention it to DH. I get on well with PiLs and really get upset at the thought that they think badly of me.

Cherriesarelovely Fri 22-Mar-13 19:58:18

How bloody unfair! That would really get up my nose OP. Your DH definitely needs to tell his family exactly how it is. You sound brilliant, your DH is really lucky!

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Mar-13 20:01:19

I don't mind doing all the money stuff hissy, even though I'm pretty laid back about them as in a not accounting for every penny way, I've surprisingly managed to do not too bad a job for over a decade.

I'm sure DH could step up to the mark if he had to, but why spread the misery around is how I see it grin if I don't get particularly stressed and I get help if I need it, there's no need for him to do anything.

I'm sure posters would have something to say if the DH suddenly started to scrutinise what the OP was doing and was questioning every transaction.

Can't get over how the whole family seems to think they have the right to use it as a stick to beat the OP though.

AgentZigzag Fri 22-Mar-13 20:04:26

Your PIL must know what your SIL is like after her giving you that shit for eleven years.

I know what you mean about the person not having changed since they were younger and expecting everyone else to be the same and disappointed when they're not, but she really does seem to have an inflated sense of her own importance. What you do is your own business, who does she think she is to criticise you so much?

Mollydoggerson Fri 22-Mar-13 20:37:49

I think it's a fairly serious accusation.

I would respond by telling them that I was hurt by the accusation and I would tell husband I was hurt by his failure to defend me while simultaneously being too lazy to navigate the accounts himself.

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