To ask my DF for an 'advance' on my 'inheritance'

(100 Posts)
Greatscotty Thu 21-Mar-13 06:28:14

My DM died a year ago and since then my DF and me have finally begun to have a father/daughter relationship, free from the jealousy of my DM.

He helped me through a horrible divorce, lending me the money to fund a sol whilst I was waiting for the family home to be sold. When it did, I paid him back every penny - I wanted to, he accepted it.

I am renting a house which I can just about afford but I know I could live more cheaply if I buy and I do have a good deposit to put down on somewhere. But I live in a very expensive part of the country (expensive because it's trendy rather than it being particularly beautiful or cosmopolitan IYSWIM). I am in my early 50's and work full time so a mortgage will be harder to come by but I can do it.

DF is always asking if there's anything he can do to make things easier/better. I say no, I'll sort it, but the truth is I don't think I can afford a decentish home unless I ask DF for some financial help. How much I don't know, but maybe £15,00 max. He's not wealthy by any means but he and my DM were savers and he "has a lot put by" that is willed to me.

Am I a grasping DD to go to him and ask him for help? I feel like I am and I'm aware that my DM's 'legacy' is that I felt like I didn't deserve anything.

Your thoughts would be really helpful. Thank you.

Cricrichan Thu 21-Mar-13 08:51:41

If he's offered and you need it, I don't see the problem.

Greatscotty Thu 21-Mar-13 08:57:19

Mintvelvet I am sorry my wording offends you so much, but it shows no other failing of mine than I find it really, really hard to talk about money as it was always so 'not done' and the reason I accepted help (yes thousands to get out of my marriage) before was because he wanted to protect me when I was vulnerable. You're right. To even think of such a thing is wrong, if I was only looking at him as some kind of banking facility. But I'm not.

I only know his financial situation now because he is talking to me as an adult and he can't talk with my DM. I'd rather forget the whole thing than have a single person think I'd gone beyond the pale.

I am taking time to read the other posters who know more about the law than I do. Thank you.

Greatscotty Thu 21-Mar-13 09:03:35

The other thing I want to say is that this is ONLY what I would ask for so that I can , eventually, do the same for my own DC's.

valiumredhead Thu 21-Mar-13 09:05:15

Not sure what is pissing mint off so much as a finanacial advisor would advice your dad to 'gift' as much money as he can!

HintofBream Thu 21-Mar-13 09:09:17

Valium I was wondering exactly the same about mint's strange attitude.

valiumredhead Thu 21-Mar-13 09:09:44

advise I mean

Jins Thu 21-Mar-13 09:28:05

HintofBream you can gift up to £3000 in any one tax year with no checks made.

You can, I believe, make gifts above that figure from surplus income which needs to be backed up with documentation or declaration in case of investigation.

I agree that any financial advisor would recommend giving away as much as possible in these circumstances

i would approach it in a different way. present him with your problem - say that as he is so good with financial matters what would he do in your situation?

if it's a matter of 15k i'd look for a smaller place that i could afford tbh. or perhaps find something a bit further out.

i'm not sure i'd ask him for help. if he offered i'd still find it difficult.

WynkenBlynkenandNod Thu 21-Mar-13 09:35:15

I think with deprivation of assets it's about showing a change in previous spending habits with the express intention of lowering the amount of assets available to pay for care. Also have a feeling there's something about reasonable belief that care will be required.

So if your father has any existing health problems then it would be wise to be careful and seek proper legal advice as they can go back as far as they like with deprivation of assets. It's very unlikely and you'd need to be very unlucky but just something I bear in mind. I could be totally wrong but just reading a couple of stories on the Alzheimer's boards it's made me very cautious. I get the impression it's a bit of a grey area that people don't realise before it hits them.

I agree it sounds as if your Dad wants to help and asking for a loan is the way forward.

TroublesomeEx Thu 21-Mar-13 09:43:47

scotty only you know your dad and how he is likely to respond to an outright request.

I know that some families/people don't talk about inheritances/death at all and find it callous and insensitive to do so. Others, on the other hand, are quite open and matter of fact about it. So you're going to get very different responses from people at either end of these extreme's alone.

Some people don't like to be thought of as a posthumous cash cow, and others would rather help their families/children whilst they're are still alive to see them enjoy the money they would receive after their death anyway.

Some people have no intention of there being any money left over to give to the children, others make providing for their families after their death a priority.

So after all that, if he is asking you now if there's anything he can do to make your life easier/better so he is clearly thinking about your wellbeing and it sounds as though he'd like to help you in some way. You paid back a previous loan willingly so he knows that you're not 'money grabbing' or feel that he has a responsibility to bank roll you.

In fact, this situation may well be exactly what he is getting at but doesn't want to offend you by offering you money straight out, rather than just letting you know he'd be willing/able to help you.

You're in your 50s. You've had a loan from him once which you repaid. It hardly sounds like you've spent your life getting into trouble and expecting daddy to bail you out.

In your situation, I would discuss it with him as open and honestly as possible.

LadyBeagleEyes Thu 21-Mar-13 09:50:16

If I had the money and my ds needed it I would give it to him in a heartbeat.
Don't we all want to help our kids, however old they are?
Unfortunately I have nothing to leave so ds will just have to work hard.sadsmile

cantspel Thu 21-Mar-13 09:51:56

All depends on how much money he actual has.

If he has £500k then £15k wouldn't really make a dent and i would ask. But if he has £100k or lower then £15k would be quite a chunk and so no i wouldn't.

If he is in his 70,s he could live another 20 years and need every penny he has been able to save. He might need a care home or home care at some stage in the future and need every penny. If he loaned you the money could you pay it back over the next 2 years? with a regular monthly payment?

quietlysuggests Thu 21-Mar-13 09:58:42

Hi OP, you sound like a lovely thoughtful person, and I feel that whatever you do, will be done in the right spirit and not in the least bit grasping.
I would open up the discussion with him, I really would.
If he knows you, and your relationship is growing stronger, then he will know that you are coming from a good place,
Best of luck. This could aid your relationship and bring you closer. Try not to worry too much what other people think - whatever happens, dont tell people in RL the details, always in life people will judge others harshly and you might be sensitive to that.

CrapBag Thu 21-Mar-13 10:05:41

I would ask him since he has offered to help you anyway, it sounds like he wants to help. Take it!

My GPs want to help me and DH with a deposit but they can't afford it. My GF looked into a way to release money from his pension but he couldn't. They would love to help. MIL on the other hand can afford to but won't. We asked for a very small loan (and it was loan, would have been paid back by now) and she came out with an excuse that if her ex had still been with her she would have, even though she knows we have struggled for years and constantly asked when we are moving/getting bigger house/buying when renting all the time knowing full well that we just can't afford it. It always seems to me that people who want to help can't and people who can help won't so take the offer that he is hinting at. smile

We are saving from scratch again and we won't have much, shared ownership is our only option but if there was an offer of help, I would take it, although I admit like you I wouldn't know how to broach the subject and I would feel awkward but I know if it was my DCs and I was able to help I would jump at the chance, although it will be unlikely we would ever be able to.

CrapBag Thu 21-Mar-13 10:06:25

Oh and you really don't sound grasping. You have already saved and have refused help many times, you clearly are not just after what you can get.

SlowLooseChippings Thu 21-Mar-13 10:24:21

To be honest, the 15k isn't entirely for you is it?

It's security for your family - putting a roof over your kids' heads, keeping them in an area close to their grandad and maintaining their stability re schools and friends and so on.

It's a bit more immediately useful to them than being in the will as his beneficiaries, when as other posters have pointed out all of his assets may well have been swallowed by care home fees in the meantime.

I would, as it makes financial sense. Maybe not ask outright for it, but ask for advice with your dilemma and if help is offered, take it. It's better estate planning for him and it's providing security for you and your children. Definitely no part ownership or putting him on the title, as it does carry tax and inheritance issues as well as costing you the fees required to execute the paperwork.

Floggingmolly Thu 21-Mar-13 10:28:47

It's an awkward one. I would want my children to ask me, if they needed to; I wouldn't dream of asking my parents confused. Unhelpful.

I def dont think you are being unreasonable here.

You clearly arent a grasping person and have demonstrated real concern about a sensitive issue. I'd say that asking your fathers opinion about what he thinks is best might resolve the situation, with him offering to help you. Parents generally want to help where they can and you seem to have a good relationship with him.

Money matters are always massively awkward I think (def the case with my parents). Taking good sound financial advice would maybe ease any other concerns that both of you have too.

My parents are in their early 80's now and didnt take up the chance to sign over their house. I've no idea what will happen if they need care..

cozietoesie Thu 21-Mar-13 10:37:58

I'm trying to remember how I broached the subject with parents at different times and I have a feeling I just asked along the lines of 'Mum/Dad I need to borrow £xk - could you have a think about it and I'll phone you back this evening to discuss'.

It helps that we have pretty open views on money/savings/wills etc in our family. (eg we all re-write wills regularly and discuss them with each other because we're mostly all each others' executors.)

megandraper Thu 21-Mar-13 10:50:45

cozie - I didn't mean that the OP would need to sell her current house (though I don't think she has one anyway) to pay the inheritance tax on her DF's estate - you are right, the tax would come out of the estate itself. I meant that if her DF gave her £15k and then, sadly, passed away within the next few years, then she might be liable for inheritance tax on that £15k. I am not a tax lawyer though.

rollmeover Thu 21-Mar-13 10:52:43

Ask him, it sounds like he wants to help. Even if he doesnt want the money back you could put it aside in an account to use if he ever did need anything.

I dont think you sound grasping. Families should help each other (as long as it is affordable, is appreciated and everyone will do the same for one another).

You are an only child, so you are not going to take it from another sibling.

My parents have helped me and my siblings out on various occassions for important things - house purchase, further education, help with childcare costs. Its not like you are asking for a trip to Florida! Its something that will provide you with stabilitiy and if can afford it then Im sure he will want to help.

cozietoesie Thu 21-Mar-13 10:57:57

Much depends on the individual relationship. I'd go for it if I were in your shoes Greatscotty - you have good precedent and I suspect he would enjoy helping.

kalidanger Thu 21-Mar-13 10:59:33

DF is always asking if there's anything he can do to make things easier/better.

Accept his offer of help! You don't have to start laying out numbers, just don't say no the next time and see where the conversation goes.

firesidechat Thu 21-Mar-13 11:00:25

It's an awkward one. I would want my children to ask me, if they needed to; I wouldn't dream of asking my parents . Unhelpful.

Flogging - I probably share your feelings. We have helped our grown up children out and will do for a few more years. Only with big things like weddings, uni and house buying and they have never asked. It was offered freely. We have never had money from my parents because we haven't needed it, they can't afford it and I would be too independent to do it. There will be no inheritance coming our way either.

However once we reach retirement age we won't be able to give money away. Our pension won't be huge and we will need every penny. Elderly people on a small income have to think of themselves more. Personally I don't want to be worrying about heating and finding money for a few treats in my last years. I will spend the inheritance if needed. I've already warned my children not to expect an inheritance. That way anything they get will be a bonus.

lainiekazan Thu 21-Mar-13 11:48:29

Agree with others that your df suddenly gifting you £15K could be seen as deprivation of assets, no matter how long he lives.

Also - the nursing home situation. Pil certainly didn't expect to need care; I suppose like most people they thought they'd go on forever. Now they are both in homes costing £1500 altogether. Now, if you have then the disadvantage is that you have to pay out your savings, but if the council pays then they choose your home. Friend's father was sent to a home 40 miles away. If you don't care where your father ends up, accept his money. If you want him to be able to choose, find out if he has a decent sum above and beyond the £15K for his future needs.

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