Hi. I am not your typical user of Mumsnet, being a 32 year old man. My situation seems so desperate though, and I was wondering if I could have some impartial advice on how to move forward. All views are welcome.
I am currently living between the houses of my mother and my long term partner ( a much older man with mental health/alcohol related issues) in a small town in a fairly deprived part of South West England. I have some physical limitations due to right hemiplegia (a form of cerebral palsy). This means I can't drive, as I would need adaptations and special lessons, but cannot afford them as not eligible for government help due to not receiving mobility component of disability living allowance.
I am working as Front of House at a local art gallery, museum and tourist information centre. This is low paid, and only 21 hours a week, so it is difficult for me to save anything. The area has very few non- manual jobs, so I am lucky to have this.
My life history is as follows: I was raised by a single mother on benefits after my parents split up shortly after my diagnosis (at 10 months). My mother then went to university etc, and became an infant teacher when I was in my early teens. However, she is very bitter about the way her life turned out (no new partner etc.) and blames me. In anger she will call me spastic, cripple etc, and say I ruined her life as no man would be interested in a woman with a disabled child. However, conversely she is very dependent on me, and is constantly trying to engineer me being with her, saying you wouldn't manage alone etc.
Anyway, I did well academically at my local secondary school, getting top grades and getting a place to study English at Cambridge. I think I did we'll academically as I would type my mother's essays etc for her, and was socially awkward and rejected due to the disability.
When I went to Cambridge I struggled psychologically and I was very unhappy. I also started a relationship with my partner, and at the end of the first year I left and returned to my home town. I then lived with my partner, who had a severe drink problem (four to six litres of cider a day) and my lack of self-esteem meant I let the situAtion continue (he would go out drinking and then rant and rave at me). He has recently tried to address the drinking, but is long term unemployed with severe depression.
Anyway, when I was 25 I decided things had to change, and was lucky enough to be allowed to return to Cambridge. I worked hard and got a first, which I was chuffed with. It was hard for me to go back, as my mother expected me to take care of her dogs (this situation is ongoing - I am expected not to go out when I am not at work as 'what about the dogs?'
I was thus very pleased to have my degree, and quickly did a Celta course (tefl qualification) in Italy. This was ok, but I developed severe angioedema and missed my partner, so came back to Devon.
I then did tefl work in the area in the summer and was on jsa the rest of the time (which suited my mother, as I could take care of her dogs etc). I was also dealing with my partner's drinking and suicide attempts, and also broke my hip in the winter of 2009.
I decided for my self esteem I needed regular work, which is when I got my present job. However, this job doesn't allow me proper autonomy etc, being part-time with no prospects. I do ok, but it is low level and is now making me feel worse about myself.
I would do anything to escape. I am also financially supporting my partner (he has suffered from atos healthcare assessments) and weirdly my mother. I had saved some money, but she broke her back in December ( a stable fracture, and she will get better in time). I've had to buy her clothes, shopping, vet bills, cigarettes as she can't get out. This is upwards of £1000 I have spent. I have asked her for it back, but she just laughs in my face and says I was a mug for using my card. Her school is undergoing restructuring and her job is possibly at risk, but she has a damn sight more money than me. Instead, she accesses my amazon account and buys stuff on it.
I really want to escape, but my self-confidence is shot. I now have very few friends and no support. I did go and see a friend in London last year and applied for jobs there, but no luck (due to where I live perhaps, and a patchy cv). I would like to try to get into a career in social work, but can't find work related to make me eligible. I also don't know how to fund the conversion course. If anyone has any advice, I would be so grateful ( thank you for reading this long and messy post). I would seek mental health support, but there are no resources in my area, and I don't want to take anti ds in case it deepens my apathy/inertia.
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AIBU?
To feel so desperate?
28 replies
Djwkin · 20/03/2013 20:11
OP posts:
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Toasttoppers ·
21/03/2013 10:03
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