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AIBU?

To ask what her problem is?

20 replies

LadyApricot · 19/03/2013 15:38

Things are tense in the IL camp especially since Christmas when I caught SIL and MIL talking about me. I'm very different to them - they have shed loads of money and we don't.
Over the weekend SIL was very frosty and Amongst other things was questioned over my parenting a few times. She's just had a baby so of course she knows it all now despite me having more than one.
Would I be unreasonable to ask her what the problem is or just accept that I'm not really accepted :(

OP posts:

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WorraLiberty · 19/03/2013 15:40

Do you need to ask?

Of course YANBU to ask her

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2013 15:41

The best revenge is to live well. Every time you get advice, smile beatifically and say that you are very happy with your approach, thank you.

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/03/2013 15:41

Only ask if you actually want to hear the answer, chances are you won't want to hear her opinion of you.

But yanbu

Poppet48 · 19/03/2013 15:43

You can only ask and see what her response is, If she is generally unaware that she is making you feel this way then great you can all move on however if it is because you're not 'accepted' start standing up for yourself when they question your parenting.

Lambzig · 19/03/2013 15:47

It does depend on what they were saying. If it was untrue then you might need to correct it, but if just bitching or opinions, I would ignored it.

Years ago I overheard my stepmother (who i did not have a good relationship with) and my sister bitching about me because I had the temerity to be dating someone eight months after my exH left me. Calling me desperate, man mad etcI was really hurt at the time and felt like tackling them. However I left it and glad I did as I think it would have made things worse and now I get on we'll with both.

I would bide your time as if SIL dislikes you, it will be twisted to make you look bad whatever you do.

wishingchair · 19/03/2013 15:50

You say "they have shed loads of money and we don't" ... so assume therefore that your DH is also very different to them?

I'm with MrsTerryPratchett. Smile, nod, carry on as normal. When you caught them talking about you, was it bad things they were saying, or just talking about you in general? I ask only because you're talking about a mum and her daughter and (assuming they're close) of course the way you do things is different to how they would choose to. Doesn't mean they have a problem with you or don't accept you. I think some of my SIL's choices are bonkers and me and my mum have talked about the same thing ... but I love her and totally accept her.

KatyTheCleaningLady · 19/03/2013 15:53

Honestly, it's unlikely to make things better. If someone has a legitimate grievance against me, I am willing to hear it and make amends if possible. If someone just doesn't like me, I don't give a shit, don't want to give a shit, and don't want to know about it.

Crinkle77 · 19/03/2013 16:00

That's really horrible for you. I think you need to rise above them and ignore them. I know it may be difficult but you need to take the moral highground even if they do not. I had a similar situation years ago when my boyfriends little cousin erpeated something that my boyf's mum had said about me. She was a complete and utter bitch but I just bit my tongue and made sure I was extra sweet just to annoy her

BlueberryHill · 19/03/2013 16:13

I find it my SIL questions something / makes a 'snide' comment, I correct her there and then, nicely of course but it doesn't allow comments to go unchallenged. I picture myself with a baseball bat smashing her comment out of the arena. I feel a lot better and she realises that she cannot walk all over me.

NonnaMai · 19/03/2013 16:33

I'm not sure you should. Your SiL sounds exactly like mine.

After 8 years of her shit I eventually plucked up the courage to ask what her problem was. The result was a massive row and her and MiL (who was not involved in the row in any way) have not spoken to DH or myself for 9 years now.

Not a problem for me but DH whilst completely supporting me is quietly devastated at the breakdown of his family.

My advice would be as Crinkle said, rise above and ignore.

LadyApricot · 19/03/2013 17:03

Thanks so much everyone, I will carry on my nice approach and rise above it. I am positive she just doesn't understand me and if she can't accept how people are then it's her problem!

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LadyApricot · 19/03/2013 17:04

Expect a meltdown at Christmas though! :D

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thezebrawearspurple · 19/03/2013 19:29

I wouldn't waste energy being nice to her, it's the fake smile that encourages her to be a bitch because she knows she can get away with nasty comments. From your post it sounds like they look down on you for being much poorer than they are, so you know what her problem is. No need to invest any energy in her at all.

You don't have to accept her questioning your parenting, you are entitled to tell her to fuck off she only just has one and knows nothing yet. Don't worry what arseholes like this think of you and if you feel like being the worlds biggest cunt back, feel free to do so.

LadyApricot · 19/03/2013 20:14

I should stand up for myself more. It's got worse because I don't stand up for myself but everything is behind everyone's backs in that family. God knows what's going on in their heads but they're always bitching.
My dh is oblivious and gets very upset when I get upset. Possible conflict terrifies him.
I need to discreetly out her in her place next time and be a little more outspoken while still bring my smiley self.
Doubt it'll make much difference though.. I'm just from a different world to them.

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LadyApricot · 19/03/2013 20:15

Put her in her place not out!
Being myself not bring!
D'oh!

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anonymosity · 19/03/2013 20:22

can your DH speak to her - tell her to back off and be nice or expect to see a lot less of you?

when I first had my DS we had some difficulty with MIL and SIL. my DH had words with them - once, over the phone and that's all it took. Really it was just a need to put them back on their own shelves and to stay off ours, if that makes any sense...

BlueberryHill · 19/03/2013 20:39

LadyApricot, it isn't because you are from a different world to them. They just aren't nice people, oh maybe you are from a different world then.

LadyApricot · 19/03/2013 20:48

My dh seems very reluctant to say anything to them, we've had huge rows before and he's begged me not to talk to them. I don't know what he's so afraid of. That's why I thought I should just do it myself but I guess I could be making it worse for myself.
I keep going over all the comments they've made and wondering what they're saying behind my back. I do have pmt at the mo though! Haha!
Ideally I'd cut them out and just let my dh take the dc's to visit them but I'd be worried sick as she's still very little.

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LadyApricot · 19/03/2013 20:49

*The youngest is still very little

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anonymosity · 20/03/2013 01:23

Really your DH needs to step up, thats what its going to take.

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