To be uspet at family's behaviour at FIL funeral

(70 Posts)
brummiegirl1 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:28:16

I went to my FIL funeral a couple of days ago as he sadly died of COPD. Prior to my FIL death i hadn't much contact with my IL's apart from speaking to my MIL who do get on with very well. My MIL and FIL were divorced but stayed friends. The reason i hadn't seen much of my IL's was because since i have had my children i don't want them around smoke and my IL's are heavy smokers and smoke in the house. I have never made an issue about their smoking as it is there house. My husband also does not want our children around smoke so it's not just me. My dad also died of COPD so smoking is a big deal to me. Just explaining a bit of background which i know is not relevant to the funeral but just to explain why their may be tension.

On the day of the funeral due to timings DH suggested i stay in the car while he went inside as they would be smoking while waiting for the funeral cars to arrive which i did. TBH i would haave probably have done this anyway regardless of the smoking as the service was my DS2 feed time so i decided to feed him in the car(breastfed and dinner) which took about 30 minutes).

When we arrived at the church i said to my husband to not worry about me to just concentrate on remembering his dad. He went on ahead to help carry his dad. I went to go in and other family members did not speak to me at all or invite me to sit with them. In fact all i saw was their backs. I understand they were grieving but they were talking and giggling to each other as they were going in and i was just right at the back. My DH didn't even get to sit on the front row as they didn't leave room for him. I ended up sitting at the back in the end anyway as baby started to get unsettled.

When we came out of church everyone gathered outside talking and no one spoke at all to me or my baby. I spoke to my MIL who is lovely.

At the wake my DH wasn't going to go as we live an hour away and he has a strained relationship with his family but i said to him that he may regret it if he didn't go in memory of his dad and DH agreed. We ended up going but only staying a short time. Again i wasn't spoke to and DH noticed(i didnt say anything to him but it was so obvious) My niece her boyfriend and her brothers girlfriend were giving me dirty looks. TBH honest i felt like i shouldn't have been there and that is what they were probably tthinking but my dh said he wanted me there. I should have expected them not to taalk to me but to ignore my DS was poor taste tbh.

Sorry i don't want to make it about me as i understand its a difficult time as its a funeral but i can't ignore what an uncomfortable feeling it was. We are also planning a christening soon and it will probably cause problems again as apart from MIL no one else bothered coming to our DS1 christening from husbands family as they think im over reacting about not wanting my children around smoke.

McBalls Sat 16-Mar-13 17:46:34

You have taken the decision to not have much of a relationship with them due to their smoking - I'm sure w could all argue the toss about the merits of that choice, but its yours to make - it can't really be much of a surprise that they're not that keen on you, shame they couldn't just have offered a few pleasantries but then you don't mention approaching them either.

I imagine they feel (possibly justifiably?) that you don't like the and want to keep your distance. What else do you expect in return?

purrpurr Sat 16-Mar-13 17:49:45

I'm sorry that this event was so difficult. However, you have decided to cut them off because they smoke. What were they to do?

cleofatra Sat 16-Mar-13 17:50:14

YABU. Let people mourn their dead in their own way.

WestieMamma Sat 16-Mar-13 17:53:40

I'm sorry, but it does sound like you're making it all about you. You say yourself that you hadn't had much contact with your FIL, therefore the right thing to do is let those who were close to him get on with it rather than moaning about them not thinking to include you in the way you'd like to be included.

I am very very sorry for your husband's loss and sorry that you feel so hurt. But. You cut them off. Because they smoke. Your DH did sit near the front - FWIW I wasn't in the front row of my Gran's funeral, but my brother was, just because of how we walked in. It doesn't mean jack shit - doesn't mean my Gran loved me any less or I'm less important than my brother.

What age is DS2? A lot of people don't like kids/babies at funerals.

Did you speak to any of them and ask could you sit with them? Or go up to the direct relatives (iyswim) and express your sorrow for their loss?

You can't have it both ways. You can't cut them off, and at the same time expect them to be friends with you. You want your cake and eat it a little bit.

Tee2072 Sat 16-Mar-13 17:54:40

They know you don't like them and so they don't like you.

I wouldn't even invite them to the christening.

pictish Sat 16-Mar-13 17:55:23

I think it's a shame no one spoke to you. I can sort of see how they feel snubbed by you, but manners cost nothing.

cleofatra Sat 16-Mar-13 17:55:50

did you.. go up to the direct relatives (iyswim) and express your sorrow for their loss?

very good question

PhyllisDoris Sat 16-Mar-13 17:55:53

Did you try speaking to them? It works both ways.
Perhaps they thought you were being rude for not offering your condolences.

Goldmandra Sat 16-Mar-13 17:56:39

If any of my family thought I was unreasonable to want to keep my children out of smoke filled rooms wherever possible I wouldn't invite them to their christenings.

Perhaps you could forgive them on the day of the funeral for not feeling up to making a major effort to look after you but that doesn't excuse being quite so rude.

Maybe now is the time to accept that this part of the family and your DH are going to drift apart.

TBH, I'm not surprised given you ignored them for 30 minutes at the start by waiting in the car.

Just ignore it and get on with your life as you have been doing - you don't have a relationship with these family members so don't let it worry you.

I've read the post again.

Have you any idea how rude you will have looked to them? You brought a baby. That you don't want near smoke. And they smoke. So you sat in the car whilst your DH went in before they went to the church. You didn't go in and offer condolences, you sat in the car. You didn't ask could you sit in the kitchen/bedroom to feed your child, you SAT IN THE CAR.

Since you're so uptight about smoke and babies you really should have left the baby at home. Because to do that, at a funeral - where is your care and compassion and sympathy for the close family?

They will have taken that as a massive snub. And very hurtful. And snobby. And up yourself. Sorry. You may not have meant it. But they will have. And they're grieving and emotions tend to be all over the place. They will have noticed. And judged.

Then you want other family members to make sure they speak to you and are sitting with you and you have a grizzly baby in a church at a funeral? No personal issue with babies and funerals, but some people do, and if the baby was grizzling you should have taken them out.

And you are making it all about you. No one spoke to you - I've already asked, but did you speak to anyone else? Did you make an effort?

Really, you will have come across as cold and rude. I am sure that wasn't your intention. You should decide if you want to mend bridges or if you want to let it go. But really. You can't have it both ways. If you dish it out you have to be able to take it. You cut them off. They cut you out. Seems like 6 and half a dozen to me.

SarahBumBarer Sat 16-Mar-13 18:07:45

How could they speak to DS without being incredibly rude to you?

And you just sitting in the car the way you did undoubtedly looked incredibly pointed and rude to them whatever your reasons were (which in my view were not good enough anyway).

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 16-Mar-13 18:07:46

It seems to me that you have been very rigid in the past, and because of that they probably don't have that much time for you.

Could they have not visited you in your house
OR

It's actually nothing to do with that and they were just pre-occupied

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 16-Mar-13 18:09:23

I agree with those who say, that on this day, of all days, you should have put aside the smoking issue and gone inside the house like a normal person

purrpurr Sat 16-Mar-13 18:09:50

Everything that Freddie said.

digerd Sat 16-Mar-13 18:10:43

YANBU to feel snubbed and it was unreasonable of those who gave you dirty looks - that was nasty and uncalled for. Also to not turn up for DC1's Christening because you and DH do not allow smoking in the house is OTT.

Everybody I know has banned smoking from their homes, and visitors go outside to smoke. If smokers don't like this they can decline the invite, but out of respect for the family member host, I know of no smoker who has done this.

brummiegirl1 Sat 16-Mar-13 18:11:10

I have tried to include them on various occasions where i have invited them to come and visit at our house and even to go up to where they live to go out somewhere neutral and smoke free but it has all been turned down or cancelled at the last minute. I did express condolences i sent a sympathy card and also spoke to my SIL the day before funeral when my DH went to see his dad at the chapel of rest.

My ds is 8 months and i only took him because of breast feeding my mom had my older toddler. I ran it by my MIL first and she was happy with that plus my DH wanted DS to go. It's not important where DH sat really but it was important for him.

Also when i was in the car feeding my son i put my hand up to aknowledge them but they didn't respond.

pictish Sat 16-Mar-13 18:11:59

Freddie might well be right of course.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sat 16-Mar-13 18:12:20

(and I really really hate smoking)

You really don't get it do you?

Coconutty Sat 16-Mar-13 18:16:35

I think they must have found you incredibly rude tbh, sitting in the car and not going in at all was very off.

I'm sorry your H didn't get to sit at the front but it sounds like there are huge issues here anyway.

LadyBeagleEyes Sat 16-Mar-13 18:16:48

I was going to write a long post about how unreasonable you are but freddie got in before me.
I've had to arrange two funerals in the last three years, my sister and my mum.
Thank God I didn't have to factor in someone like you sad

Actually, the fact you think it was enough to put up your hand to acknowledge them like the fucking Queen means I'm done here. Before I say something I'll regret and that'll get me into trouble.

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