To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

(1000 Posts)
curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 08:55:53

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere hmm

So... AIBU??

Wishiwasanheiress Thu 14-Mar-13 09:15:49

God no not by. Rent ffs. Go on hols for couple weeks (them not u).

Wishiwasanheiress Thu 14-Mar-13 09:15:58

Not bu!

someoftheabove Thu 14-Mar-13 09:16:07

Unfortunately, it's almost impossible to say whether YABU because it could turn out to be the best thing ever. They could be the most helpful, easy house guests, who prepare meals, make you cups of tea and go out for the evening to leave you and your DH to bond with the DCs.

Or, having them to stay could make your life hell in any number of ways.

I agree a compromise would be good, such as having them to stay until the baby comes, then going somewhere else. They might even want to, if the baby keeps them up all night!

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 09:16:25

No, no, no

What of people think it is OK to impose themselves on a you g family at a time like this?

They are making themselves homeless at a time when you have too much on - new baby, house move - to out them up.

Let them have it out with their daughter that has suddenly decided she can't have them.

Or they can go on holidays at that time.

Or stay in a hotel.

Landing on top of you when your baby is due is far from their only option here and it is very unfair of them to pretend it is.

mrsjay Thu 14-Mar-13 09:16:46

chunkypickle (fab name btw) idea is good could you set up the other spare room for them as well as the bedroom a temp sittingroom or even for yourself

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:16:53

Ohh, cross posted with OP. My post may have been over optimistic blush

They sound a bit of a nightmare after all

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 09:17:20

HermionE - under the original plan with the builder they would have been back in their own house by June, but pushed it all of their own accord and wanted to add some landscaping and rebuilding the steps at the front of the house and a conservatory. That's what's made it all different.

And my parents will be upset and feel left out, which bothers me too. But u wouldn't want them either... I don't want anyone. I had visions of a blissful month long bubble with DH and my two girls sad

Yama Thu 14-Mar-13 09:18:28

Yes, Ledkr - just reading about this situation is making me rather angry.

CuriousGeorgie - you are important too you know. And post c section you will not want this stress. In fact, even having to consider it is a stress you should not be put under.

curiousgeorgie Thu 14-Mar-13 09:18:47

Digerd - me too. I was in tears last night when BIL phoned.

cansu Thu 14-Mar-13 09:18:56

I think judging by your last post you would need to be very clear what it would be like for them. This might be enough to put them off. Given your list I admit it sounds horrendous. I think really though it perhaps should have been vetoed immediately with something like 'oh no I can't believe X can't have you to stay, what will you do? We would of course have had you but that will be impossible with the new baby and house move'. I think it will be v hard to extricate yourself now. Are they well off enough to rent a holiday cottage or flat or something?

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:19:25

Could you put the sky sports TV in the spare bedroom? You could use the terrestrial channels on the main TV. That would get FIL out the way for some of the time.

TheNebulousBoojum Thu 14-Mar-13 09:19:27

They need to book themselves a nice holiday rental for a month. With Sky Sports.

shewhowines Thu 14-Mar-13 09:19:57

YANBU but I can't see how you can say no without causing problems.

Put forward the caravan idea or try to get them to go away for a holiday for at least some of the time.

As others have said. If they do come, set strong boundaries.

I don't think there is anything wrong with saying to them that of course they can stay if they absolutely have to, but the timing is appalling and you'd really rather they found alternative arrangements if at all possible.

they can't stay with you.

can your dh phone his brother and ask if his mil can delay her visit? explain that it's impossible to have your pil over because you just have too much to deal with.

i think anyone with a bit of sensitivity would understand your situation.

failing which i think your pil will have to work something out themselves. go stay with family in other parts of the country or just fuck off in a camper van.

they will be hurt but i think if you can offer something like a holiday away together at the end of the year or some peace offering like that they will feel less unappreciated.

bloody difficult one!!!

INeverSaidThat Thu 14-Mar-13 09:21:43

Are there holiday lets in your area, why don't you find one and suggest it o your DH. It might not be very expensive if it is just a one bedroom one.

someoftheabove Thu 14-Mar-13 09:21:51

Didn't even think about your parents, OP. Normally it's possible to keep them apart when the new baby comes so they can each have their own time, but with them actually living with you, this will be impossible.

YA definitely not BU.

Could you show DH these posts if he doesn't agree?

The fact they are adding landscaping and steps to the building project would indicate to me that they have spare cash to rent for a month...

Ledkr Thu 14-Mar-13 09:22:57

To those who suggest it will be ok a d they can help themselves etc etc. can I speak from experience.
If you want to make a quick drink or snack are you honestly saying you would just do it in front of them cos I couldn't.
If you need to sit on the loo for hours trying to pooh would you like the door being tried occasionally by pil trying to get in.
When you use the downstairs loo do you want to carry your sanitary towel bagged up past them?
If you leak milk or bleed onto your pjs do you want fil watching?
If you want skin to skin whilst watching too gear do you want to go up to bed to do it?
Do you want to sit bolt upright on the sofa rather than lie down?
Do you want to sit with dh and other dc gazing at new baby and cooing without mil interjecting every five minutes?
It's just not appropriate and I'm always shocked that people think its ok to stay with a new mother so soon.
I'd move heaven and earth not to impose on my dd after birth.

Ginformation Thu 14-Mar-13 09:22:58

YANBU in the slightest! I agree with yama resentment is likely to ensue. I would hate to have any houseguests at such a personal time. You need to be able to focus on yourself, your family and bonding with your new baby. It might be inconvenient for your pil but they will have to make alternative arrangements. shudders at thought of own pil staying while heavily pregnant

ENormaSnob Thu 14-Mar-13 09:23:00

Tbh I would be putting this back to bil and sil seeing as they ballsed up the plans in the first place.

I really think this is going to have a massive negative impact on you sad

AThingInYourLife Thu 14-Mar-13 09:23:09

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying "no, sorry, obviously we can't accommodate guests for a month when our baby is due. What a shame SIL has let you down."

They chose this. It is their (easily solved) problem to deal with.

olgaga Thu 14-Mar-13 09:23:21

They'll have no problem at all renting a lovely holiday cottage for June, which is outside peak time.

I think you just have to be assertive and say that obviously you have far too much on at that time to have them stay with you for a whole month!

If they can afford to have their entire house renovated, having a 3 or 4 week holiday in a cottage is surely affordable!

HumphreyCobbler Thu 14-Mar-13 09:23:26

I would do anything to avoid this. I would hate it but put up with it in normal circumstances. But when heavily pregnant and with a newborn? No bloody way.

Why have DIL and SIL suddenly realised her mother is coming? Did they ever intend to have your ILs?

What you have said about how they are likely to behave makes me even more worried for them. Can't they hire a caravan? It is summer!

OBface Thu 14-Mar-13 09:24:21

YANBU. Your in laws sound very similar to mine and there is no way I would have them to stay around the birth of a baby.

I still harbour resentment from when dd was born, they totally ruined what should have been a lovely time (dh didn't help either).

Some good suggestions above - can they not go away for a few weeks? Or can SIL/BIL rearrange the visit from DM?

Stick to your guns!

HumphreyCobbler Thu 14-Mar-13 09:25:26

You need to get your DH on board here - it is not him that will be putting up with them for the first month, it is not him that will be heavily pregnant with houseguests, it is not him that will be recovering from major surgery and learning to breastfeed a new baby.

This thread is not accepting new messages.