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To be questioning whether or not I'm going to put up with DH's behaviour any longer?

(104 Posts)
TearyOnMothersDay Sun 10-Mar-13 22:33:41

I am a regular but I have namechanged so I am not recognised, as a few people I know in RL are on here too and they know my regular username.

I've been with my DH for about 11 years. I have one teenage DC from a previous marriage (her father was very abusive), and DH and I have two children together.

All is fine most of the time and in many ways my DH is a lovely bloke, however he doesn't seem to want to take an active part in family life the way many husbands and fathers do (eg he will never play with the youngest, who is 4), and he gets in moods from time to time, which last several days. During these moods he tries to convince me that it's my fault, and that there's nothing wrong with him and that it's just me that's the problem being oversensitive/taking it all the wrong way/imagining he's in a mood. Generally all is fine as long as it's all ticking over nicely but a big catalyst for one of these moods is if one of the DCs or I are ill. The 4 year old was ill between Xmas and new year and on the Saturday night I was up with him for most of the night. DH didn't try to help and instead just stormed off downstairs and slept there for the night, then the next day all he did all day was moan about how tired he was, and was just in a foul mood, picking at everything I did, even though it was me that had been up with DS all night.

He's also been in a mood for the last few days. He has been busy and a bit stressed at work, so I try not to be too harsh on him. However he seemed to wake up in a bad mood on Saturday morning, and was really snappy with me, uncommunicative and just didn't seem fussed about the kids or I. He had to take DC2 to an activity in the morning, then I asked if he'd collect her as I was getting lunch ready. He went off reluctantly and I could tell he wasn't happy. DD then had a party and he pointedly said he wasn't doing any other running around that day. So I took her to the party, got home and you could cut the atmosphere in the house with a knife, and before party pick up I asked why he was in this horrible mood and said it wasn't fair on any of us. I went to pick up DD, had a chat with some other mums and was about 45 minutes and when I got home DH said he'd been thinking and that I was disgusting in my behaviour and it wasn't him in a mood, it was me.

Fast forward to this morning. 4 year old came and got in bed with us early, and DH kept pulling the duvet off me and huffing and puffing. When he's in these moods he tries to antagonise me so that I say things then he can say it's me that's moody/horrible, so I let it go and just kept generally easing the duvet back over me. He then leapt out of bed and shouted that he was going downstairs to sleep, so he did, leaving DS and I in bed. I've had a horrible cold and cough for several days and haven't been sleeping too well, and at some point DS must have gone downstairs to join DH and when I woke up it was 10am. DH was moody that I had had a lie in for so long, but in all honesty I felt really ill. I then went for a bath, and whilst I was in the bath the phone rang and DH couldn't find either of the phones so he started shouting at me because of this, so I felt I had no choice but to get out of the bath. He's now spent the whole of today - mother's day - banging around, being snappy and huffy. He washed his work clothes tonight and washed them with a towel by mistake so they have fluff on them and he managed to find a way to blame me for that too, and then when I dared to protest, he spoke to me in a 'what on earth is wrong with you tone'

Sorry this is long, there is loads more I could say but I shall leave it here. I've just spent the whole of today feeling tearful and upset. I just want a nice family life, and to be treated nicely. Do I just put up with it and try to focus on the good points? Any tips on dealing with the moods? Thank you

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 10-Mar-13 22:39:05

It's clear to me that you're married to another abusive man. I'm so sorry. I couldn't live like that and if I were you I'd be telling him to leave. But I'm not you - so what are you going to do? Because he won't change.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw Sun 10-Mar-13 22:42:06

Kitty is right he's being emotionally abusive and a cock

Lucyellensmum95 Sun 10-Mar-13 22:44:13

What ARE the good points? doesn't sound like there are many sad

McNewPants2013 Sun 10-Mar-13 22:46:40

A relationship isn't about walking on egg shells.

Tortington Sun 10-Mar-13 22:50:33

he is normalising clearly not normal behaviour. I would urge that - if you want to work on the relationship, you go to relate.

if dh gets pissy with me - i get pissy back - then it becomes a pissing competition and we both argue for hours. however if i come over all 'grown-up managerial stern school teacher with a twist of Dr Phil' things tend to get sorted.

i really don't know how i'd deal with a sulker.

He sounds absolutely horrendous.
I'm so sorry for you.
He's an abusive cunt, and i'm so sorry for what you and your children are putting up with.

Ponyofdoom Sun 10-Mar-13 22:55:55

I have quite recently left my long term partner for this sort of behaviour, though mine also added verbal and physical abuse into the mix. He used to elbow me and snatch off the bedclothes in the night, swearing at me etc. It was utterly horrible and miserable to live with. It was literally walking on egg shells. He would sulk for days and not tell me why, then it was always revealed to me that it was for some terrible crime I had committed, like not keeping the kitchen clean enough. I cannot tell you how wonderful it feels to be free and living on my own now. Good luck. x

TearyOnMothersDay Sun 10-Mar-13 22:57:46

The sulking probably started around 5 years ago. He's got moodier and sulkier as he's got older. He even spent part of his paternity leave with DC3 sulking. He seems to pick times when I feel vulnerable, such as ill or postnatally. Once DC3 had gastrointeritis for a week and for the whole week DH sulked with me, wouldn't speak to me or any of the kids.

Loie159 Sun 10-Mar-13 22:58:15

I was in an abusive relationship when I was much younger and I heard a phrase that really rung true with me. Love is not meant to hurt ...... By behaving this way he is hurting you and more awfully damaging your children . It is not OK and he knows it. You need to not worry about dealing with his moods, but maybe think if you want your children spending their whole childhood in this toxic environment..... Thru deserve better and so do you. Awful way for him to treat you and his DC.... Poor you

pluCaChange Sun 10-Mar-13 22:59:03

Is he trying to get you to break up with him? If not, he really thinks he's sooooo mucg more important than anyone else.

Has anything changed recently?

Ponyofdoom Sun 10-Mar-13 22:59:31

In fact what I should have said was 'leave him' because they never change, I stuck with mine for 15 years because I loved him and felt it wasn't his fault as he had had a bad childhood. It was horrible and I regret it.

FairPhyllis Sun 10-Mar-13 23:02:27

Be careful about advice to go to relationship counselling together - if he is abusive he will use counselling to pin blame on you and it will become part of the abuse.

You know, it is OK to say you've had enough. There's no reason anyone should put up with someone who sounds manipulative, takes out their moods on you and who doesn't share your idea of family life. It is OK to step away from living like this.

echt Sun 10-Mar-13 23:04:09

Thinking of Relate, I'm not sure how it would work for because it's "all your fault" anyway, and he punishes you when you're vulnerable. The sulking is just variation of it being your fault, so I reckon it'd be hard work to get him to see your point of view.

pluCaChange Sun 10-Mar-13 23:04:16

Ooops, x-posts!

If he's had years of opportunities to stop sulking, he probably won't stop now? Why would he? It's brilliant if things are never your fault, and people love you, no matter what you do. sad

SoftKittyWarmKitty Sun 10-Mar-13 23:04:32

You've put up with this for five years? sad Don't put up with it for one more day. Listen to Ponyofdoom, she speaks sense.

echt Sun 10-Mar-13 23:04:52

X post with Phyllis.

TearyOnMothersDay Sun 10-Mar-13 23:06:56

I don't have anywhere to go. I'm a SAHM. I do have some savings but not enough to put a deposit down on anywhere. I don't know where I'd start about getting a job, as I've not worked in several years.

DonderandBlitzen Sun 10-Mar-13 23:06:59

YANBU. I don't think you should put up with that behaviour any longer. Sorry.

McNewPants2013 Sun 10-Mar-13 23:11:19

There is benifits and women aid.

there is no need in this day to be living in an abusive relationship

McNewPants2013 Sun 10-Mar-13 23:12:38

I have got to say living in a hostel or temperory (spelling) housing is far better than living this life.

Whoknowswhocares Sun 10-Mar-13 23:16:35

You are the primary care giver to a 4 year old. You don't have to leave and you shouldn't
The term LTB in this case means kick his ass out

akaemmafrost Sun 10-Mar-13 23:22:42

My ex was/is very similar. Saying and doing provocative things to get a rise and then turn it back on me when I lost it.

I left him and never looked back.

TearyOnMothersDay Sun 10-Mar-13 23:26:22

The provocative things drive me mad. Like the duvet thing this morning. If he was doing it as a joke I wouldn't mind but I could tell he was doing it in temper and to make me cross. He also made a comment tonight about the kids school uniforms. I couldn't find any of DD2s school tights and I asked him if he had seen any and he just said 'if its that important why are you doing washing now, you should have done it Friday' then started smirking and saying what on earth was up with me when I said his comment was unnecessary

Ihavetopushthepramalot Sun 10-Mar-13 23:27:55

I guess you have to think whats worse. Going it alone, maybe struggling for a few years with money, housing, not being with someone you have a history and children with. Or being in a abusive relationship with somebody you're constantly walking on egg shells around, and probably not really in love with anymore. For the rest of your life.

Change is always scary, especially if it's not clear what your life will be like when it happens.

Good luck op. I hope it all works out for you.

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