... to feel so upset cos no-one has made any effort on Mothers Day?

(93 Posts)
needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 17:17:25

Yes, I know there are people who no longer have their mother with them, and way too sadly, people who would just like to have their children with them today and my heart goes out to those of you in that situation. So in a way, I know already I am being unreasonable and a bit spoilt brattish. But for the 1st time since I had children, Mothers Day has just been like any other Sunday. I have 2 older teenagers, one living at home, one not. They have both sent me "happy mothers day" messages on FB... but otherwise, you wouldn't know it was mothers day. Don't get me wrong, I really, really don't expect gifts, or even cards. Just a bit more acknowledgement than a FB message that it's Mothers' Day. I guess it's just time to face up to the fact that Mum isn't that important to them any more. But it hurts.

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 20:27:47

They all knew. I went out of my way to get DSS's a card to send their Mum. They also made cards at school for her. My DS has not even wished me a Happy mothers' day. DP has not even glanced at me. I have been at work from 7am to 6pm, came in, cleaned loo, loaded dishwasher and ironed school uniform. I am properly fucked off. Even got asked what was for dinner.

<implodes>

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 20:30:08

OP the worst thing is that even as I penned the OP, I thought they were maybe having a laugh, and that MD would be celebrated this evening, round the evening meal. But no, not a thing. Am way more upset than when I first opened this thread.

^^ this for me too. So sorry. thanks for you x

Horsemad Sun 10-Mar-13 20:32:38

Bumping - WHY?

If I were you I'd have sat down when I got in & my stock reply to any q about food would be 'It's Mother's Day' .

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 20:37:47

am in bed with snacks and catch-up tv. sod 'em.

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 20:38:23

Ishoos, horse, ishoos. But still no excuse IMO. They all know my views. After work I went to see my own Mum. I got her flowers and card on Friday as I knew I was working flat out Sat and Sun.

I haven't cooked btw

Horsemad Sun 10-Mar-13 20:57:29

need - glad you are being kind to yourself smile XX

Bumping - well done for not cooking! Go and do something nice for YOU! smile XX

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 21:11:53

horse I may sit down for a consecutive ten minutes - bliss grin

Writehand Sun 10-Mar-13 21:15:26

I can't imagine many Dads in floods of tears because they didn't get a lovely, thoughtful Father's Day card. At least, not the men I've known & loved.

I learnt from my DH that although most men (and I include boys) want to please the women in their lives, they really don't get that flowers & cards & stuff really, really matter to us. They're not telepathic, they have different priorities and they need steering.

My DH said one of the most unfair, annoying things women do is to expect "spontaneous romantic gestures" and then to get really stroppy when you don't read their minds. He'd been told "If you really loved me, you'd know I wanted you to...(whatever it was)" Whereas most men are clueless about this sort of detail. They also hate no knowing what to get.

The way to get the Mother's Day you hope for, or at least the way that works for me, is to make sure my DSs know exactly how to make me beam at them and feel cherished, which is what they want.

I reminded my DSs that Mother's Day was today at least twice last week and told them that though the card's the most important thing, I'd also love a bunch of red or yellow tulips and that breakfast in bed with the papers is my idea of a great surprise. wink They know I love chocolate.

Come the day, they know I'll be delighted, they're happy to see me happy and feeling appreciated. Result all round. I make a big thing about their card: I read out the message, I tell them how lovely it is, how well chosen and I keep it up in my bedroom for a couple of months. Then I put it in my memory box. That way they know how much the card means to me. My DSs spoil me on Mother's Day, but only because I've shown them how.

Writehand Sun 10-Mar-13 21:17:02

I can't imagine many Dads in floods of tears because they didn't get a lovely, thoughtful Father's Day card. At least, not the men I've known & loved.

I learnt from my DH that although most men (and I include boys) want to please the women in their lives, they really don't get that flowers & cards & stuff really, really matter to us. They're not telepathic, they have different priorities and they need steering.

My DH said one of the most unfair, annoying things women do is to expect "spontaneous romantic gestures" and then to get really stroppy when you don't read their minds. He'd been told "If you really loved me, you'd know I wanted you to...(whatever it was)" Whereas most men are clueless about this sort of detail. They also hate no knowing what to get.

The way to get the Mother's Day you hope for, or at least the way that works for me, is to make sure my DSs know exactly how to make me beam at them and feel cherished, which is what they want.

I reminded my DSs that Mother's Day was today at least twice last week and told them that though the card's the most important thing, I'd also love a bunch of red or yellow tulips and that breakfast in bed with the papers is my idea of a great surprise. wink They know I love chocolate.

Come the day, they know I'll be delighted, they're happy to see me feeling appreciated. Result all round. I make a big thing about their card: I read out the message, I tell them how lovely it is, how well chosen and I keep it up in my bedroom for a couple of months. Then I put it in my memory chest. That way they know how much the card means to me. My DSs spoil me on Mother's Day, but only because I've shown them how.

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 21:22:08

So far, so smug Writehand... so imagine, inspite of all you've taught them, the Mothers day when they don't. And don't kid yourself it won't happen because of how well you've taught them.

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 21:46:15

Delightful Writehand. Ever so well done.

Writehand Sun 10-Mar-13 21:47:32

That's an unfriendly response to what was intended as a helpful post. Did you do all this and they still didn't get you a card? Are they trying to tell you something?

I don't think my tactics are smug, it's just allowing for boys not really registering that cards and so forth matter to their mums. My DSD sends me a card without me doing anything -- because cards matter to her.

Maybe one year my DSs will forget, though as the oldest is 20 I suspect it's engrained now.

You may not have got a card, but someone gave you a whole bowl of sour grapes!

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 21:54:04

when someone has written about how older children, who have always acknowledged Mothers' Day in the past suddenly don't. and it hurts... having someone ramming down your throat how they have a lovely Mothers Day because they have taught their children well (so by implication you haven't) isn't entirely helpful. And no, it isn't sour grapes. It's a very sad Mum who has been reading smug posts all day. came on here for a hug. not someone telling me it's my fault for not teaching them well

Noideaatall Sun 10-Mar-13 21:56:57

Have a hug from me, namechange. I know how you feel - you shouldn't have to remind them to show they love you.

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 22:00:29

<<<<hugs>>>>

OP I'm with you x

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 22:01:06

thank you noideatall, appreciated.

But wish I hadn't started this thread now, just needed to rant at someone outside the family, and am going to bed feeling worse than before I wrote it. Should have known better.

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 22:01:32

and thanks Bumping. and others who have been supportive.

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 22:03:40

Hey, don't go sad

I've had a rant too, have been feeling thoroughly unappreciated.

<chucks a sour grape>

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 22:06:08

maybe your children are trying to tell you something too Bumping wink

twintwo Sun 10-Mar-13 22:08:22

Namechange I'm with you on this one too. I had 3 lovely cards from my boys made at school on Friday, but no mention of Mother's Day today from them or dh. I thought he might remember after church and buy something on the way back but no luck. Has been a very normal Sunday here as usual.

timidviper Sun 10-Mar-13 22:11:53

OP, I'm sorry you're upset and I understand how you feel.

It was my birthday a couple of weeks ago. My DD is abroad and sent a card and pressie, DS sent something but sent it the afternoon before so, of course, it wasn't there on the day and DH didn't get around to sorting anything as he always expects me to do stuff myself or give him instructions. I threw the most enormous drama-queeny strop you have ever seen which is very unlike me but I just felt unappreciated, as you do today. I stressed it was not the presents, etc it was the thought that counted.

Can I tell you it has worked. Today they all did behave thoughtfully.

I think you need to show them how upset you are or it will become accepted behaviour. Sorry.

BumpingFuglies Sun 10-Mar-13 22:12:50

Oh yeah, need, they are telling me to TELL THEM WHAT TO GET ME FOR MOTHERS' DAY.

grin

Writehand Sun 10-Mar-13 22:13:00

I didn't mean to be unsupportive. My whole point wasn't that my kids love me more than yours or I parent better, or some rubbish like that, it's that I don't think my DSs would've celebrated MD for me if I hadn't made a point of training them. There's nothing very spontaneous about all my preparations! smile

I think you're feeling sad and unloved and therefore seeing put downs when they aren't there. Never crossed my mind to put you down. All I was saying that boys don't understand how much this stuff means unless you tell 'em, and I wondered whether they knew. How are they gonna know if you don't say?

Why did you not storm in and say "So what happened to Mother's Day?" and raise hell? Tell them what heartless ungrateful toads they are? I certainly would've done. Better than telling us.

Horsemad Sun 10-Mar-13 22:16:09

Yep, I think you have to reinforce, reinforce REINFORCE!

needtonamechangeforthis Sun 10-Mar-13 22:18:00

I have a boy and a girl. They have always sorted MD on their own without any prompting, apart from when they were so little DH had to help. MD isn't about ME reminding them, nor about telling them how upset I am that they haven't done anything for the first time in 19 years. I'm upset because for the first time , THEY haven't wanted to celebrate Mothers Day, they haven't done anything off their own backs. If I have remind them, after 19 years of not having to, then it's not the kind of mothers day I was used to.

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