To feel uncomfortable about DD being at her dad's this weekend after incident at preschool?

(61 Posts)
BriAndLottie Fri 08-Mar-13 20:55:16

Apologies if this is a bit of a mess, please bear with me, I'm still trying to make sense of it all myself but really need some advice.

Ex-bf and I met at school and were on/off for a few years. During that time we had two DCs together, one who was stillborn and a DD who is now 3. We haven't been together since before DD was born and for various reasons ex-bf hasn't really seen DD on a regular basis until recently- for about 4 months he's been having every other weekend with her, those weekends he picks her up from preschool on Friday afternoon and brings her back on Sunday afternoon.

One of my close friends works at DD's preschool, I had a phone call from her late this afternoon, she asked to come round as she was worried about me. Apparently when ex-bf came to pick DD up from preschool this afternoon, he asked to speak to her and told her he was worried about DD and me as he has reason to believe I'm taking illegal substances and fears for DD's welfare. It is true that when the two of us first got together I was taking illegal substances, it was a difficult period of my life in which I lost my way and I'm not proud of it, however, this has not been the case since I was pregnant with DD and I would never do anything to compromise her wellbeing. My friend is now in a difficult position as she is obliged to report any concerns given the history but doesn't believe there is any truth in it thankfully, she was very supportive.

Ex-bf has hinted to my mum recently that he wanted to push for more custody, ideally 50/50, but nothing has been said to me about it and I naively assumed as it hadn't been mentioned for a few weeks it wasn't serious.

DD is now going to be spending the whole weekend with this man after the episode at preschool. AIBU to feel really uncomfortable about her being there with him given what's happened or do I need to just pull myself together and treat what was said at preschool pick up as a separate incident?

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Mar-13 21:01:40

One of my close friends works at DD's preschool, I had a phone call from her late this afternoon, she asked to come round as she was worried about me

Your friend needs a bloody disciplinary - tittle tattling between parents and causing grief. Your friend should have passed the concerns your ex has to the CPO and kept her mouth shut. She's nothing but a gossip monger I'm afraid.

My friend is now in a difficult position as she is obliged to report any concerns given the history but doesn't believe there is any truth in it thankfully, she was very supportive.

What she believes is neither here nor there.

I do apologise, all that is very unsympathetic, but I am really annoyed that an employee with a duty of care would tip off a parent the concerns had been raised.

Snoopingforsoup Fri 08-Mar-13 21:02:33

You poor thing, you must feel awful.
I think he's playing dirty in the hope of getting more time. I would speak to him directly, and as calmly as you can and categorically tell him that you do not take illegal substances and that his claims are actually damaging for your daughter.
At the end of the day, you have done nothing wrong. Your past is your past and has no bearing on your parenting skills as a Mum now.
Maybe take some family law advice ahead of him pulling any more stunts such as this. If he was genuinely concerned, should he not confront you first? His story is a bit random if he's not mentioned this before now.

brainonastick Fri 08-Mar-13 21:02:52

Do you have a formal custody agreement in place? If not you need to go and speak to a solicitor next week.

Snoopingforsoup Fri 08-Mar-13 21:05:08

And HollyBerryBush is right, she shouldn't have told you. I never thought of that side of it...

BriAndLottie Fri 08-Mar-13 21:12:57

HollyBerryBush in all fairness I think you're right, the thing is I do know about it now though and I'm panicking sad

There is a formal custody agreement, every other weekend, though he can still apply for more though can't he?

He's claiming that I've relapsed and am not yet as bad as I have been in the past but he's worried I could get that way. I have relapsed once before a few months before I found out I was pregnant with DD, there was a period of about 2 years between me giving up the first time and the relapse, he seems to be going down the 'it's history repeating itself' route.

I feel so uncomfortable about DD being at his for the weekend now, don't know if I'm overreacting sad

brainonastick Fri 08-Mar-13 21:25:36

Hmm, this might be a crazy idea, but is there some kind of voluntary drugs testing you can get done to prove that he's 'mistaken'? I would try to have a quick chat to a solicitor to find out the likely position if he does want to take the story further, and also to your gp to see if they can help on the proving-your-story front.

He sounds like a delightful man hmm. If he wants more access why wouldn't he just talk to you about it first?

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 08-Mar-13 21:30:16

Its obvious hes going to try to lay a path that causes you issues and its likely to be contact related.

Take legal advice and get drug tested.

I wouldn't send her because I would be expecting him to refuse to return her and citing that as a reason

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 08-Mar-13 21:31:04

What drugs are we talking about?

BridgetBidet Fri 08-Mar-13 21:31:49

Are you sure that what your 'friend' is telling you is correct? Possibly even if it is then it might be that other 'friends' have been spreading untrue gossip and it's got to his ears.

I would be careful about going off the deepend because this could all be as a result of hearsay or chinese whispers. I would be careful if I were you. This is all second or third hand and could be unreliable.

HollyBerryBush Fri 08-Mar-13 21:34:59

Things to look at objectively - does he want full residency/more residency/playing mind games?

Once you discern whether he is really being concerned and not trying to pay less main/play mind games then you can take the appropriate stance.

If you were dabbling again in narcotics, trust me, school would know about it... kids gossip, parents gossip, everyone knows the local drug dealer etc..

I'm all for the 'up front' tack as advised. See your GP, document and highlight the issues.

Do you mind me asking, recreational drugs or more hard core where you had to seek help to get clean before? Do you have a social worker etc who saw you through the bad times?

But again I would really urge you not to engage in conversations with the 'friend' at your childs nursery about the situation

yellowbrickrd Fri 08-Mar-13 21:35:46

What evidence did he give your friend to back up his allegation?

I wouldn't tell your "friend" anymore about the situation. Just quietly go about contacting your GP on Monday morning, and your solicitor. If you have had a social worker in the past I'd call them too and let them know the situation.

Was the every other weekend court ordered? Do you currently have a residency order? Are you uncomfortable with her being there this weekend as you are worried he won't return her? (If you have a residency order already this will simplify this matter).

BriAndLottie Fri 08-Mar-13 21:43:31

sockreturningpixie he already has her, he picked her up from preschool after voicing his 'concerns'.

We're talking class A drugs. I'm not proud of it, what I will say is that I was a young, stupid teenager and it's a period of my life I've put firmly behind me, with the exception of a relapse at 17 after a bad break up with someone at the time I stupidly thought was the love of my life. However, I've been completely clean since I found out I was pregnant with DD and that's all very much in the past. Ex-bf has a similar past himself.

brainonastick I don't know actually, but brilliant suggestion, I'll look into that.

I don't know whether to go and get her but I wouldn't know what to say to justify it sad

Goldmandra Fri 08-Mar-13 21:43:33

I am not sure that the friend did do the wrong thing. As an Early Years practitioner she will be expected to inform parents if concerns have been raised about the welfare of their child unless to inform the parent of that concern would put the child at risk of significant harm.

OP, you know whether your child is well cared for or not. If you are meeting all her needs and not putting her at risk of harm his mutterings will mean nothing.

You have a strong history of being your DD's primary carer and her father has only been a significant part of her life for four months. That speaks volumes.

You need to go and get yourself some legal advice next week just to make sure you know exactly where you stand but in the meantime I don't think you should worry too much.

I can see why this makes you feel uncomfortable about her being with him but you need to try not to worry about that too. Just keep a note of anything she says or does which concerns you after she's been with him.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Fri 08-Mar-13 21:52:23

If he is lying, and can be shown to be lying, he will not help his case one bit.

If you have not taken drugs, he can not prove you have, you can prove you haven't.

Get legal advice on Monday.

Leave your dd where she is, don't let him know you know what he said. No point havng a go at him anyway.

LadyIsabellaWrotham Fri 08-Mar-13 21:54:10

Is there any possibility at all that he might either harm your DD or flee the country with her?

If not then the fact that he's behaving like an arse is not a good enough reason to withhold contact, and it will put you in a bad light.

And do you think he might believe what he's insinuating, or are you sure he's shit stirring?

idiot55 Fri 08-Mar-13 21:55:19

many hugs, all I can suggest is legal advice on monday

BriAndLottie Fri 08-Mar-13 22:01:44

LadyIsabella I don't see how he could believe it to be perfectly honest, he's claiming to have seen me 'stoned' himself, there's absolutely nothing that springs to mind that could have given him that impression. I think he's stirring to try and get more in the way of custody, I think he'd go about it legally though.

I did end up having support to get clean, yes, but no social worker, I was 16 when I started getting help and ended up in a private fostering arrangement. Ex-bf has done considerably worse than I was ever involved both before and after DD was born, though I'm not about to start playing that game with him.

Goldmandra Fri 08-Mar-13 22:06:19

A friend's exH tried to tell the courts that she was abusing drugs while trying to get residence of their children. The courts didn't even engage with him about it once they knew that nobody else had any concerns whatsoever.

You are doing the right thing by maintaining the moral high ground, OP.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue Fri 08-Mar-13 22:12:43

Seriously, go to a solicitor but do not engage. He may just be trying to wind you up, knowing your friend would tell.

BriAndLottie Fri 08-Mar-13 22:13:09

Thanks Goldmandra, that's reassuring. What I'm worried about is that my previous drug abuse has been recorded; I was excluded from school because of it etc, so what he's claiming might not look out of place alongside those records- that said anyone who knows me now would say he's talking complete rubbish.

I will definitely be speaking to a solicitor on Monday.

Goldmandra Fri 08-Mar-13 22:29:29

I am guessing that there have been no concerns raised about how you care for your DD in the past. If that is the case and there is no evidence that you have started to abuse drugs again I cannot see how your past could possibly be relevant.

Any court would look at what would be best for your DD. To consider taking her away from you they would have to think that it would be in her best interests despite the fact that you have been her constant primary carer all of her life.

I hardly think they are going to do that without more evidence than the word of the man who has ignored her for most of her life then suddenly turned up again four months ago wanting regular contact.

I hope you feel more reassured when you've had some legal advice next week.

hiddenhome Fri 08-Mar-13 22:42:18

Please try not to panic. What he is doing is a very common ploy by a non resident parent in order to either gain residence or increase contact time (often to reduce/avoid paying child support or simply to hit back at the resident parent). Courts will be used to hearing all this drivel and would require concrete proof before acting upon such information.

See your GP and a solicitor as the others have advised and just continue being a good mum. What you did when you were a teenager has no bearing on what kind of person you are now (we all make mistakes). Please try not to worry. He sounds like a prick if he has to resort to rubbish like this. He needs to grow up.

BriAndLottie Fri 08-Mar-13 23:18:24

I've just had a text informing me he wants to push for 50/50 custody. Yes, at this time sad

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