To give advice that I did not and would not follow myself

(44 Posts)
MaryRobinson Tue 05-Mar-13 22:43:26

But I still think is a good advice.

My friend is doing IVF and has to decide whether to put one or two embryos back in.

The advice is put one back.... But I'm the mother of twins.

2aminthemorning Tue 05-Mar-13 22:49:46

Why is that good advice? I don't see it myself.

pjmama Tue 05-Mar-13 22:50:57

Me neither. I have IVF twins.

midastouch Tue 05-Mar-13 22:51:55

I dont understand how you think it is good advice if you wouldnt do it? confused

MagicHouse Tue 05-Mar-13 22:54:01

I also don't understand why you would see it as good advice if you wouldn't/ didnt follow it?
I don't think either decision is right or wrong, but I imagine it's one she and her partner have to decide entirely for themselves.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 05-Mar-13 22:54:01

Are you a bit overwelmed by having two at the same time. How old are your twins?

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 05-Mar-13 22:54:27

Surely it would be better to put 2 back in?

GreenLeafTea Tue 05-Mar-13 22:54:38

I guess she is saying that twins are hard work and if she could have chosen, in retrospect, a single child would have been a lot easier.

I can see what she means as a friend of mine had twins and she had a very different experience of motherhood as she was so busy. Plus child care costs were so high she had to leave her job. Other things too.

aldiwhore Tue 05-Mar-13 22:55:41

Advice is opinion usually, you gave yours and therefore YANBU for giving it, whether it's wrong or right.

The best advice is usually open ended, that gives a balanced view of the options, it's not so much a 'decision' but a strategy to view all options objectively and based on possible outcomes, for that YABU to give such a definite piece of advice.

If you simply said "in my opinion, I think option a would be better" YANBU because you've given a clear opinion...

In reference to your title, good advice doesn't always have to be 'what you would do' so for that YANBU.

When it comes to issues like this, I am VERY wary of giving a definite answer, I prefer to simply be a sounding board, devil's advocate on all sides, someone to chew the fat with.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 05-Mar-13 22:55:55

Wow everyone, I'm thinking that the OP is under a bit of pressure here with double everything, please don't do the usual thing on her. Let's ask her if she's ok.

Good ol' 'Do as I say, not as I do'? wink

The evidence is in favour of single embyo implantation. My head knows that really well.
However, I am sure if I were in that position I'd go for 2 blush.

Emotional heart would win over scientist's head. Every time.
So, YANBU.

maddening Tue 05-Mar-13 22:57:12

What fact is your advice based on?

KC225 Tue 05-Mar-13 22:57:48

Knackered mother of IVF twins here - put both back.

Better in than out, not all embryos survive the thawing process.

maddening Tue 05-Mar-13 22:58:45

Oh sorry xposts with pacific.

I think she should speak to her ivf specialist.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 05-Mar-13 22:59:30

OP, posting this in aibu isn't going to help you at all. I understand why you are saying what you are. Let's get it moved to a more mellow area?

Mary, is your advice based on how hard you find dealing with twins?
Or on what evidence has been emerging recently about increased safety for mother and unborn child?

If you are struggling, I am sorry. I have not had twins, other than what I have just learnt are known as 'Irish twins' (12 months between DS1 and DS2). And they had me. On. My. Knees. I actually often wondered whether twins would have been harder or easier? I don't know, and I will never know now. I did go on to have another 2... after a half-decent break of 4 years grin.

I hope you are ok.

Startail Tue 05-Mar-13 23:13:47

YANBU
I thought the advice today was one embryo unless your are older/have had several failed attempts.

The risks to the Mother and the babies are far greater in twin PGs and the early months with twins are unremitting hard work.

The OP has been there and got the Tshirt. I have only watched a DF and her twins from the sidelines.

MaryRobinson Tue 05-Mar-13 23:20:46

My advice I think is based a bit on both. The increased risk of prematurity is not something I would volunteer for again having seen the shock/stress on my twin Mum friend that delivered at33-34 weeks. My understanding is that the "take home baby rate" is about the same for SET + freezing compared to double embryo transfer?
Certainly the first year of twins passed in a complete blur compared to the first year of a singleton. Twins are such hard work.

My girls are older now so not struggling though Thanks for asking

maddening Tue 05-Mar-13 23:21:28

You could say that logic dictated by increased chance of successful ivf, successful pg and comparative ease of caring for a singleton would suggest that the logical decision is for one embryo.

But there is a chance of spontaneous twins anyway.

But if it was you then you would go for both for other reasons.

So instead of advice just add your thoughts if she asks for them.

Only she can make the decision so just help her analyse her options.

Neither choice is wrong she just needs to sit down with the facts and weigh up how she feels so just help her rather than guide her.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 05-Mar-13 23:29:01

In that case it's not up to you to advise her and I think you're pretty judgemental really

MaryRobinson Tue 05-Mar-13 23:32:44

I'm not judging her whatever she decides. Promise.

ClippedPhoenix Tue 05-Mar-13 23:34:15

there was me thinking you were struggling with the new understand of maybe having twins but you are actually telling her to use one embryo knowing full well the chances of even conceiving in this manner is next to none.

It's almost like telling a woman due to give birth that it's going to be the most excruciating pain ever!

Who does that?

HDEE Tue 05-Mar-13 23:34:44

I'd advise one, especially if she is young or the eggs are from a young donor.

Whatever anyone says, parenting twins take a lot of pleasure away from motherhood. It's mostly a long, hard, knackering slog in the first year.

Add in the consequences of premature birth (my twins were born at 23 weeks) and SET is the preferable option IMO.

MortifiedAdams Tue 05-Mar-13 23:35:00

Did she ask "what would you do?" or "what should I do?"

If its the former, YANBU. The latter, then YABU.

HDEE Tue 05-Mar-13 23:35:43

Clipped, the chances aren't next to none? Fertility friends have a good section on SET and why is a better option.

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