to be upset with dh or am I over reacting?

(95 Posts)
RattyRoland Wed 27-Feb-13 22:58:06

I'm going to return to work part time. At the moment all bills are split roughly 50:50 dh and I (I'm currently full time).

Dh earns more than me. I suggested to dh that we could continue paying our bills etc 50:50 but that as I'll be part time he and I would share my loss of earnings equally, I.e if I'm earning £500pcm less than before, he pays me £250 and so we're both £250 less well off.

Dh was up in arms at this suggestion and said he had assumed we'd carry on paying half the bills each, as well as the part-time nursery fees, leaving me with a lot less income and him a lot more. Aibu? I feel he's been really unfair about this, he can easily afford to make up half my loss of earnings, I'm not money grabbing and we both want me to look after ds on my days off, its just I don't see that I should have next to no money and him keep all his earnings...

Baroozer Thu 28-Feb-13 08:02:50

Is there any way he would consider a family pot of money? You never know, he might not be doing himself a favour by insisting on this if he loses his own job.

If he is going to be a selfish prat about this and he isn't going to change, you should charge him. Someone has worked out how much a SAHP is "worth" if you add up all the tasks that get done.

http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/stay-at-home-mom-cost1.htm

I'm a SAHM and my husband has a well-paid job. When we were looking into life insurance it turned out that my monthly death-wage was only slightly less than my husband's, which was calculated so that we could maintain our standard of living. So if he was worth £2000/month dead, I was worth £1900/month.

olivo Thu 28-Feb-13 08:20:43

He IBVU. I worked part time, and even now, at full time, I earn significantly less than DH. We keep 100 a month each for ourselves, and all the rest goes into our joint account. The money we keep is to treat ourselves so for me, it might be reflexology or new clothes, for DH more usually something sport related. Everything for the DCs comes from the joint as do bills, holidays, savings etc.

EMS23 Thu 28-Feb-13 08:23:49

Girloutnumbered - I could still waste money on shoes and pointless things if I wanted. Having one account/ pot doesn't stop me doing that. My DH trusts me, as I trust him, not to waste more than we can afford to.

lottiegarbanzo Thu 28-Feb-13 09:01:24

I really thought marriage meant 'what's mine is yours', both ways of course, in a legal as well as romantic way. Does it not?

Pilgit Thu 28-Feb-13 09:59:28

I think the point is that when you are in a relationship and have house, mortgage, children etc together, the way finances are sorted out should be fair and agreed by both parties. Just like the housework argument the fairness can be judged by how much you have left of time/money for you after everything has been paid for/done. If that is not equal, you are not living in a fair relationship. What works for one family will not work for another but it is important that it works for you! This sounds unfair and financially abusive - as if he doesn't want to accept his responsibilities to you and DC.

In my household everything goes into a joint account and everything gets paid out of the joint account. We don't assign fun money - we are just both mindful of spending. Whilst not on mat leave I earn considerably more than DH (my tax bill last year was larger than what he earned) but he deals with everything to do with our finances (except for shares savings account) as that is what works for us - I am a bit useless with finances and it just doesn't interest me - this upsets DH as he thinks I should know for my own peace of mind (he's right) and is constantly on at me about it. As I trust him (and he provides me with spreadsheets and breakdowns of our spending periodically) it isn't a priority for me (I think he feels does it because of the disparity in earnings doesn't follow who deals with it and doesn't want me ever to think he's taking the piss)

countrykitten Thu 28-Feb-13 10:04:12

Why don't you just pool your money....very confused at how you organise things financially....very strange.

LaQueen Thu 28-Feb-13 10:17:12

Why on Earth have you been paying 50% of everything when you earn less than your DH????

Before we were married I only ever earned a fraction of what DH did. So, we split the household bills/rent proportionate to our incomes.

Since being married, and having the DDs I've only ever worked part time. DH still earns far more than me. Both our salaries are paid into a joint account...all the bills come out of the joint account...and what is left is Family Money which we both have equal right to spend on what we wish.

Neither of us are real spendthrifts - and we don't tend to ask permission from the other before buying anything (unless something major, like a sofa/car/whatever).

I tend to spend on a regular weekly basis, whereas DH will shop only a few times per year, but then blow quite a lot. It probably works out roughly even?

I simply couldn't be with a man who was tight fisted, or who viewed money as his/mine. I'd absolutely hate that.

Tolly81 Thu 28-Feb-13 10:35:13

YANBU, he is, but you do need to sort things now as sounds like he's been getting away with contributing less for a while now. I also think its weird not to just have a joint account but if you're not going to then you need to draw up a monthly budget together (so he's fully aware of how much you're already spending on ds) agree a set amt each month for spending money (ideally it would go into a separate account), anything on top of that goes into a joint savings account for holidays/other big expenses.

DH and I have separate accounts and we prefer it that way. However, all bills and mortgage go out of joint account, which we each put a fixed amount into each month. As it happens, we earn about the same at the moment, so we pay the same and split major purchases equally, but the principle of proportionate spending remains. You don't have to merge everything.

LaQueen Thu 28-Feb-13 10:42:40

Admittedly, DH is largely oblivious to all the bits and bobs that the DDs require...but, when I say they need new PE kit/school shoes/underwear/coats/tennis racquet/whatever - then we go and buy them, out of Family Money.

I would have his balls on a plate, if he was blowing money on himself and then baulking at getting the DDs new school shoes hmm

SirBoobAlot Thu 28-Feb-13 10:43:59

He's being an arsehole.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo Thu 28-Feb-13 10:55:34

Before we got married we used to pay 50 / 50 on everything (although it was genuinely 50 / 50 not as in your case significantly more than half) and had sole named accounts. We were both working full time though and each had ample money. As the lower earner I didn't want to be living off my boyfriend and wanted my own money.

After getting married we have one joint account into which everything goes and out of which everything is paid. I've had periods of working full time, periods of part time and periods of not earning. My DH behaves the same way regardless - what is his is mine and vice versa.

You really need to talk to him about your finances as he's being utterly unreasonable.

Andro Thu 28-Feb-13 11:03:30

Like stealth DH and i have separate and joint accounts.

His, Hers and theirs works fine...as long as it's done fairly.
DH and I didn't merge all our finances (the headache and paperwork wouldn't be worth it) but neither of us would see the other short of money. YANBU, your (D?)H on the other hand...

ExpatWifey Thu 28-Feb-13 11:07:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dinkystinky Thu 28-Feb-13 11:18:46

DH and I have separate accounts and a joint account for joint expenses (kids, bills, nanny, tax bill etc). We earn broadly the same so contribute the same amount in and the rest in our personal accounts is ours to do with as we like. When I go on maternity leave I will be earning much less so my contribution to the joint account will go down proportionately (and I will have proportionately less of my own money to spend as I wish).

Tenacity Thu 28-Feb-13 14:35:39

OP, I feel enraged on you behalf, but I also realise that this is one side of the story.
What is your relationship like in general? Have there been other issues regarding money and sharing? I ask this because this seems like a symptom of something bigger.
It's blatant that your husband is being very selfish. Of course its fair that you shouldn't be the one to lose out, especially if it's a joint decision for you to go part-time. However, I struggle to understand why there wasn't a discussion about finances in the event of you going part-time in the first place?
I suspect there are some deeper issues that you might not have relayed about all this. Certainly from your description, the obvious ones are a lack of communication, team-work and a very negative attitude from your husband.

I do hope that you manage to reach an amicable solution, and that your husband sees the error of his ways. However, I am not sure how you change the attitude underlying your husband's stance. I suspect there is a lot more to this than what you have outlined.

Bunbaker Thu 28-Feb-13 15:49:53

"I enjoy wasting my money on shoes and pointless things."

So, do I. with OH's money in our joint account I have more opportunity to do so grin

AThingInYourLife Thu 28-Feb-13 16:08:58

"When I go on maternity leave I will be earning much less so my contribution to the joint account will go down proportionately (and I will have proportionately less of my own money to spend as I wish)."

That's pretty horrible.

In what kind of partnership is it considered acceptable for the woman on maternity leave to be poorer than her spouse?

I mean, really.

What kind of man thinks that's how he should care for the mother of his child?

G R I M

That's how we did it when I was on Mat Leave.

In practice, it meant that DH paid for more stuff. We had less disposable income as a household, so we spent less, but he paid for more things and I had a credit card on his account. Complete merging of your finances when you both work FT and have bonuses, expenses, etc going in and out of your account would be a nightmare - our shared account is much more stable and predictable than either of our personal accounts.

BooCanary Thu 28-Feb-13 16:46:35

Dh and I have our own accounts and a joint account. We do it the other way round to a lot of posters. We decide what we can afford to keep as personal spending, and everything else goes into joint ac. So eg.we each keep £200 of our salaries per month, and e.g. dh pays £1000 and I pay £600 into joint.

If family costs go up we adjust the amount we pay in, so we are left with say £150 pcm each.

Op - your dh is being an arse. There is no way I would go part time until a fairer situation is sorted.

dinkystinky Thu 28-Feb-13 17:04:19

AThinginyourlife - I think your post was in response to mine: I currently split my salary 50/50 between joint account and personal account. I know I'm going on maternity leave so am saving up for it from my personal spending money so if the mood takes me I can spend money on going to the cinema/out for lunch etc - baby things are (and will be) paid for 50/50 by DH and I and expenses for our other children will be the same. When I go on maternity leave, I will receive less money in - I will still split that lesser amount 50/50 but DH will pick up the slack on the joint account expenses that I can no longer fund. I am "poorer" than my spouse because I have less of my own money to spend on whatever I like - my DH spends his own money on whatever he likes (which I know includes supporting his widowed mother) but will be funding more of the joint family expenses.

merrymouse Thu 28-Feb-13 17:19:44

Dinkystinky, please see baroozer's post.

Presumably you are going on maternity leave to bear and then care for your husband's child. Why on earth should this leave you poorer than your spouse?

GirlOutNumbered Thu 28-Feb-13 19:46:30

I've been thinking about this and my current situation.... If we had one pot of money, I would then by paying out for his maintenance payments for step son and also his car loan. I don't really want to do that.

Fillyjonk75 Thu 28-Feb-13 19:51:13

Your salaries go into your own accounts. Just pay into a joint account to cover bills and general outgoings each month, proportionately according to your salaries, and what's left in your own accounts is your own. Simple, or ought to be!

GirlOutNumbered Thu 28-Feb-13 20:01:48

That's what we currently do filly...think it's the best way,

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