To just expect a bit of loyalty from friends?

(73 Posts)
TassimoQueen Tue 26-Feb-13 12:59:52

I feel I'm a good friend to my friends, and I'm very loyal. I respect decisions friends make or their opinions even though I may not necessarily agree. It'd be nice if friends could do the same for me but they clearly can't.

I have a group of 7 girl friends, and we have regular nights out and meet ups. One woman from this group, to whom I've never been particularly close, has made it plainly obvious in the past few months that she does not like me. She never replies to any contact I try to make with her, gives me the cold shoulder when we go out as a group, ignores any comments I make on her Facebook statuses and photos, and more recently when a family member of mine died she didn't make any contact to offer any support or say she was sorry to hear the news. So I decided after this not to intiate any further contact with her, and to be polite on nights out, but to class her as an aquaintance rather than a friend.

She is due to have a caesarean on Friday with her third child, and this morning another woman from this group of friends, who I do consider a good friend, has phoned me and basically had a go at me as I've not contacted this woman to wish her luck with her section. I said to my friend of course I wish this woman all the best but that she has made it clear we're not friends as such so I was just leaving things be and not making any contact. My friend is now really cross with me and says I'm bearing a grudge, when I'm not, I just don't have time chasing people who don't appreciate me and can't be bothered with me. I have all the time in the world for those that I consider a good friend and who treat me as I treat them, but haven't the time or inclination to try to please everyone.

AIBU to expect a bit of loyalty and respect from my friend?

atthewelles Tue 26-Feb-13 13:05:45

Well, I think your friend should keep her nose out and respect your wishes in regard to whether or not you want to make contact with this woman.

Why is she getting involved? Is she normally the bossy type?

TroublesomeEx Tue 26-Feb-13 13:06:08

This is why I don't bother with female friends.

All too political and everyone has an opinion!

TassimoQueen Tue 26-Feb-13 13:06:54

No not at all, atthewelles, she's normally pretty quiet. I felt like I had to explain myself to her and it made me feel like I was about 5 years old! And now she's in a mood anyway

atthewelles Tue 26-Feb-13 13:08:46

Well, YANBU. This girl has no right to force people in the group to be 'friends' on a one on one basis. In a group there are often one or two people who really only socialise together because they are part of an overall group but don't have much in common outside the group. Your friend sounds like she's being a bit childish over all of this.

Zaphiro Tue 26-Feb-13 13:10:00

It's the year 6 cloakrooms! I can see how this has escalated. The correct response to your friend would have been "oh, haven't I? Must have slipped my mind. We're not very close" then changed the subject. Now you've added fuel to the gossip and made it seem like you've thought it all through and decided to be mean in response to a perceived slight. I'd recommend staying aloof.

TassimoQueen Tue 26-Feb-13 13:10:23

Now it's left me questioning myself about whether I'm doing the right thing in just not bothering with this other woman. I don't see much point in bothering with her when she doesn't seem to like me

everlong Tue 26-Feb-13 13:10:45

Yanbu.

Sometimes in groups of friends there will always be those who stick together, for numerous reasons. Even if you think you are one of them.

It sounds like the other woman has issues with you for whatever reason. In your situation I probably wouldn't have send her a message either, given the way she's behaved with you.

How's it been left with your friend now?

TassimoQueen Tue 26-Feb-13 13:11:04

I need to learn more about the art of aloof-ness, Zaphiro!

Sugarice Tue 26-Feb-13 13:11:30

This friend should really mind her own business. has the pregnant friend been bitching to her about you, would you think?

Zaphiro Tue 26-Feb-13 13:12:27

Haha, you'll get there OP! YANBU for not bothering with the rubbish friend, FWIW.

I don't think you can demand that someone should behave the way you want. I see why you're calling it 'loyalty', but to her, she either didn't realize how she was behaving and is bemused at you not getting in touch, or she doesn't like you very much, in which case, there's not a lot of point pretending you get on. You're an adult, you get to choose your friends and why you'd want to pretend to get on with someone you dislike is beyond me, really.

Just get together with the ones you like and have a good time.

TassimoQueen Tue 26-Feb-13 13:13:07

I think so Sugarice. She is the kind of person that everyone runs around after, bit of a pampered princess

popcornpaws Tue 26-Feb-13 13:13:32

folkGirl
So very true!

BodieBolts Tue 26-Feb-13 13:15:11

This is why I don't bother with female friends.

What an awful view to have and so stereotypical.

SucksToBeMe Tue 26-Feb-13 13:16:41

I don't think YABU, you tried, then took a sensible step back. Has the unfriendly one moaned about you not getting in contact?

TassimoQueen Tue 26-Feb-13 13:20:04

Yes I think she must have done. The other woman, who I thought was my friend, phoned me specifically to ask why I hadn't made any contact with the woman who is having the section.

DeWe Tue 26-Feb-13 13:21:32

I agree with Zaphiro.
Slipped my mind, sounds much better than "she's nasty to me first".

But she must have said something to say how hurt/upset/surprised/pleased she is otherwise no one would know you hadn't said something personally.

I'm not sure it's about loyalty though.

TroublesomeEx Tue 26-Feb-13 13:21:51

Bodie you might think it's an awful view but it's my experience and in my experience it's true.

I know a number of women who feel the same. Funnily enough, they are the only women I'm friendly with.

popcornpaws Tue 26-Feb-13 13:21:58

bodieBolts
awful view? have you read the posts on here? Same old same old...

TroublesomeEx Tue 26-Feb-13 13:24:32

And that ^^(to popcorn's post)

MN is full of threads about women complaining about how they've been treated by their female friends.

TroublesomeEx Tue 26-Feb-13 13:24:44

Like this one for example!

DorisIsWaiting Tue 26-Feb-13 13:25:28

My guess
The unreasonable 'friend@ is stirring- You are not bothered by her cold shoulders so she is upping the ante.

There is no way anyone else would know whether you have been in touch or not. Brush it off but do not be surprised if she 'acts hurt / wounded' to others in the group and you are omitted from things if she is the focus...

everlong Tue 26-Feb-13 13:25:51

I think women can make great friends. But in groups of women there will always be some bitching and people being two faced and not wanting to be seen as the bad one ( like your friend )

I've been stung recently. It hurts, especially when you have been close to someone for a long time. But you live and learn.

BodieBolts Tue 26-Feb-13 13:28:01

Yes I do think that's an awful view to have.

When I was 21 I went abroad to live and work for a summer. I shared a room with 2 other girls, and found out that the third girl had purposely moved out of our room because she hated girls (none of us had even met her at that point)

She then said to me "I don't like girls because they don't like me"

She really had the mentality of "you're not going to like me so I'm not going to like you first". By the time she realised that I wasn't what she expected and wanted to be friends I wasn't interested because of the way she'd treated me before.

Basically don't just assume that because someone is a woman you don't want to be friends with them because they are a bitch and will hate you.

Everyone is an individual and not just a gender.

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