To want to exclusively bf against DP's wishes?

(96 Posts)
chroniclackofimagination Wed 20-Feb-13 12:25:00

DS2 is 3 months old and feeding well but often, as is normal for breastfed babies.

I partially breastfed DS1 for 9 months but he had formula top ups from day 1 because he was born with low blood sugar (I had undiagnosed GD). As DS1 was also a big baby and my first I was constantly worried he was hungry and didn't trust I was making enough milk.

Eventually the top ups became more frequent and m y milk dried up, which combined with the fact that he preferred the bottle as he got older and more active meant I stopped breastfeeding before I wanted to.

This time I have established nursing properly, DS2 is gaining weight steadily and I just don't want to interfere with it. DP thinks the commitment to nursing and the time it takes means I'm less available to DS1, now a two year old and to DP himself. I think he would also like to feed DS2 and I struggle to express milk in any quantity. To be clear he doesn't want me to stop breastfeeding, just to introduce some formula too. I don't want to, AIBU?

TryDrawing Thu 21-Feb-13 12:06:08

Arf grin at dads struggling to bond with ebf babies. Dd is ebf but who does she go to and kiss in the morning?

And I quote: "Dadadadadadadadadadadada!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

CSIJanner Thu 21-Feb-13 11:48:07

Try a ringsling or a stretchy woven sling (Moby/ wrapsody/ Kari-Me) carrying and BF at the same time. You might be better going onto FB and searching FSOT slings and things, asking the ladies (and gents) advice there. A lot of the mums I know manage to sling and BF at the same time which allows for hands free writing, cooking, working, sibling time!

Also, babies get so used to the sling that even daddy can calm them down when they carry them in one (with maybe a scarf or a iece of your clothing) whereas before they couldn't. Would your DH be open to trying a sling?

I feel you pain though. I had to entertain a 3yo whilst nursing/recovering from a c-section and it was difficult but we got a routine and muddled through. DH now thinks I should stop nursing and put LO2 on cows milk. I told him it was bloody rude to call me that! You need to do what you feel is best - you are bound to feel guilt over LO1 as they've had your undivided attention all this time before. I did but once LO2 was old enough to allow a few hours between feeds, I made sure that I spent some quality time with LO1. Might even make the cinema for no doubt another cartoon next week grin

pollypandemonium Thu 21-Feb-13 10:26:02

If dc2 is being weighed regularly and a good weight then it may be that you problem is more around negotiating attention to your toddler. With the right approach he will get used to the fact that he can share mummy with baby. Try to get one to one time with him regularly and he will be fine. Don't feel guilty this is a normal stage for a first born to go through.

YANBU I have solely breastfed dd2 and managed to do it even while monitoring dd1 on a climbing frame using a stretchy wrap sling. Dd2 doesn't do bottles, plus I just couldn't be bothered with the faff. Only thing is now I want to go out a bit more I am a bit stuck. If you might want the odd hour off at some point it is something worth thinking about. Some tips to get more when expressing are:

Express first thing in the morning

Express while feeding on the other side

Express after a bath or shower

Drink fennel tea

Get a better pump or one better suited to you.

jellybeans Thu 21-Feb-13 10:03:00

'Can you imagine if a mum came on here and said she wanted to bath her baby but her husband always claims it as "his" task so she can't?'

hmm It is nothing like that. Bf is best for baby! I HAD to ebf DC5 as he had severe reflux. Dad can bond without feeding pretty well! Men don't have breast milk ffs! Not all women can express-I couldn't. Why are people so bent on making out mothers and fathers are exactly the same for a newborn baby?

jellybeans Thu 21-Feb-13 10:00:22

YANBU at all. I hate the argument that men should have equal everything including feeding the baby. selfish! It should be about the baby and not dad! I bf twins also while having a toddler, it was fine. I ebf DC5 for 11 months and DH is still very close to him.

GirlOutNumbered Thu 21-Feb-13 09:12:49

My DH loves the fact that I ebf so he's doesnt have to do night feeds!

I have a toddler too and he just has to wait while I feed. It's fine as he gets all my attention when baby is sleeping.

At three months the hard work is done and they will start to feed less, YANBU to put baby first.

I don't think her DH is necessarily being selfish to raise the idea - that seems a bit strong. But I think he should recognise that it's largely her decision, and she's happy continuing as she is - which will be best for her baby and not make any significant difference to DS or probably DH come to that !

noblegiraffe Thu 21-Feb-13 08:42:10

The OP had to top up her DC1 from birth, it affected her supply and she had to give up bfing before she wanted to. I imagine that was quite difficult to deal with emotionally. This time, she's got it sorted, able to ebf and yet her husband is suggesting that once again formula is on the table. Not because the baby is starving but because bfing is a bit inconvenient.
OP doesn't want to give formula, understandably so given how hard she has worked to avoid giving formula.
I think another three months until solids isn't really that big an ask for her. And ff won't take away from the fact that DC1 will occasionally need to wait for attention.

fairylightsinthesnow Thu 21-Feb-13 07:53:50

I think you have to weigh up all the aspects. Yes, nutritionally, ebf is best for the baby but there is a whole family to consider; children do have to fit in with each others naps, activities etc. Half playing with DC1 while bf with one hand is not the same as proper, down on the floor playing around time, the financial aspects are important and if the father feels that he would like to sit quietly with his newborn in the small hours and bond, who are we to dismiss that as selfish? Can you imagine if a mum came on here and said she wanted to bath her baby but her husband always claims it as "his" task so she can't? Would she be derided as selfish for wanting to be with her child? A few bottles in the mix at this stage is not going to HARM the baby, its not poison. Ultimately, OP, only you know all the different elements of this but I honestly don't think that the difference a little mix feeding vs ebf would make at this stage is an issue when balanced against all the other factors.

gimmecakeandcandy Thu 21-Feb-13 07:40:02

The best thing for a baby (in MOST cases, and I mean nutritionally) is breast milk so if she can give her baby breast milk then he is being selfish. What happened to getting through hard times and just getting on with things? Yes it is hard to do but so? That's part of life and sometimes we need to do what's best and the best thing for a baby is being fed breast milk.

Maybe83 Wed 20-Feb-13 23:31:03

No sorry I don't know that he is I don't live in her home I don't know how her other child is I don't know how she is physically coping only she and her husband do. Why is it unreasonable to have a discussion with your own husband regarding what is in the best interest of both of your children and family. If she feels he s wrong and is happy to continue great if she feels he may be right she should be able to sit down with her husband and come up a solution for her and her family. If she op feels he s full of shit then of course it would be unreasonable to stop. Really only the op knows.

gimmecakeandcandy Wed 20-Feb-13 23:22:57

Shocking that her dh is being called selfish maybe23? Really? Of course he is selfish, who turn to formula when she is doing so well with bf. I bf my second who came along when my eldest was 23 months and it IS achievable and your eldest will be fine and adapt. Don't feel guilty for giving your baby the best nutrition you can!

WafflyVersatile Wed 20-Feb-13 23:13:08

What BeCool says about bathing for starters.

WafflyVersatile Wed 20-Feb-13 23:12:13

If you had soley bf with DS1 then he would not have had bottle feeding to miss. Lots of people bf while having an older child so that is not a great reason. Plus, as said, he could spend time with DS1. I can see both sides though. Being able to feed baby would make him feel more involved in the early stages and it's not unreasonable to miss that.

Maybe you can approach this with coming up with/discussing positive ways that you can all play your part as a family and DP feel included and useful etc. Rather than him feeling he is missing out a bit. He needs to understand that bf etc is going to be baby led to a great extent. What works for baby is the main thing. If he wants more of your time for him then there are probably things he can do to lessen your workload and make that possible.

BeCool Wed 20-Feb-13 23:08:36

YANBU - get DP to feed you while you feed baby smile

Does he bath the baby? That's a lovely personal close thing Dad's can do to bond with babies IMO & experience. lots of skin on skin contact and intimacy . between them

I'm afraid that jeopardising ebf would be a deal breaker for me, it's such a short period of time, but is so important, ESP at 3 mo!

But then my DH would agree with me on that...

chroniclackofimagination Wed 20-Feb-13 23:00:53

The additional income is extra for our future to facilitate a bigger home closer to good schools in a few years. So not exactly urgent but prudent and in both kids interests.

The problem is that as we are providing a service we are reluctant to turn down work and risk losing clients. In an ideal world I'd take a break until DS2 is a bit older.

It's a lot of shared responsibility and another thing to negotiate. I'm not sure working with one's OH is the best idea! It allows me to work from home though, which I really appreciate.

Maybe83 Wed 20-Feb-13 22:53:34

But only she as his wife living in her home with her child and husband knows that...you or I don't. For example we don't know if the additional income she is working for is required to keep a roof over there heads there fore a priority for both children..think about what s been discussed decide if you think he has a point and work from there would be my advice. If you don't explain and say your happy as things are. Relationship s are a suppose to be a 2 way street IMO. He should respect your opinion as much as he wants you to respect his.

Maybe But maybe her dhs expectations aren't reasonable?

IME dad's sometimes have more trouble bonding with second children & subconsciously favour dc1's perceived needs.

Maybe83 Wed 20-Feb-13 22:37:51

Sorry I think it's shocking your dh has been called selfish stupid etc you are part of a family he has equal say in choices concerning your children. He has voiced his concerns about how your family s working at the minute. If you feel he s wrong and you and baby are managing fine that's great as is your other child and of course you shouldn't be forced to stop. But neither should he be slated for expressing his opinion, only you know if his suggestion of mix or attempting to express really is something that needs to be looked at. You know babies can't always be the number one priority at all times when you have other children ad a roof to keep over your heads. I suppose it really is a juggling act!

YANBU don't jeopardise bf for his -hysterical freakery- worries. M
Good luck.

My take on it is ... He can suggest .... You can say no ! HTH smile

babanouche Wed 20-Feb-13 22:27:48

YANBU

Some men feel a bit threatened when a baby comes along. He's trying to gain some power back. I'm sorry but these men have got to just suck it up. It's not for long in the grand scheme of things.

ps you may want to adopt a more conciliatory tone than 'suck it up'.

GogoGobo Wed 20-Feb-13 22:22:34

YAnbu. I cannot bear men who put their needs on the flipping table as if they are somehow equal to a completely dependant nursing infant! And that goes for the needy fuckers who find something to whine about with their FF partner too!

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