to not want to financially support my partner?

(83 Posts)
tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 07:57:08

Ok, bit of background, have been with my bf for 4 years, living together for 2 in rented flat with his db. I have a steady job l don't enjoy and am also studying pt, but only for my own enjoyment/education rather than training for a better career. BF has a career in an arts field, in which he makes a living,but it is v boom and bust. When i finish my course, i'd like to buy a house, as bank of mum and dad have said they will help me out with a deposit on a long-term loan basis.
At the moment, he is between jobs, and l freely admit to being jealous as hell of his career (its an area l tried to work in but was unsuccessful) and when l'm getting up at six to go to work, doing my homework on the bus, reading books in my lunch hour and then coming home to work on my essay, and find he hasn't even done the washing up, l feel pretty wound up. At the moment,we have totally separate finances, (although he owes me about a grand) and so its none of my business how he spends his time/money, but if we buy a house and combine our finances, that will change.

So my questions are:
a) would it be foolish/fair to expect him to change his attitude to money and housework if/when l buy a house?
b) he says his parents said they will also contribute to a deposit in a few years time, but l'm not keen on combining such large sums. Does that mean our r/ship is doomed?
c) ls it U of me to be unhappy with the idea of financially supporting my partner, and always being the main earner? It

Adversecamber Thu 21-Feb-13 20:08:13

Do not allow this man to live with you in your new home. You can do better, you should be in the easy years, no mortgage, no dc.

DontmindifIdo Thu 21-Feb-13 19:50:46

OP - I don't see why you'd move your BF in with you when you buy your house/flat. You know he's rubbish with money, so while he has to pay his current landlord, I would put money on the fact that if you were his landlord he wouldn't always pay. While it would be your space, I also would put good money on him not suddenly feeling he has to live to your cleanliness standards if he moved in and you would still be coming home to unwashed dishes etc. It would be far far better to live separately from him, particuarly if you aren't interested in marriage and DCs. At least, live apart for 6months - 1 year, give yourself time to get used to having space that you control. You don't have to split up just because you aren't living together. It might be the best way for your relationship to work if you have many good points but don't suit sharing a space.

I would take your parents up on their offer, get your own place, if need be get (clean and tidy) lodgers to help with the mortgage costs.

Pigsmummy Thu 21-Feb-13 19:24:51

Continue your plan, if you buy a house then get him to sign an agreement that you put in the majority ££ and are the major shareholder. There is a name for this agreement but I can't recall what it is.

It is understandable that you are frustrated by house work, my husband would also leave washing up, not to be lazy or difficult but planning to do it at a time different to my expectations, have you explained how this upsets you? People have very different standards of what is acceptable re house keeping and finances.

Rather than asking MN you should be speaking to him about you feel, tell him what you want out of this relationship and see if it matches his aspirations or not.

countrydreamer Thu 21-Feb-13 18:51:26

Whoa,... there are many many other things to achieve in life than the purchase of a house..

You're not wanting marriage or children at the moment, you're not entirely happy with your work, there's no need to become a mortgage slave, I suggest you consider alternatives.

If you have some spare money that you could use to pay a mortgage, why not consider an investment in yourself in other ways, e.g use the money to retrain for a (different?) dream career or a slightly different role in the field that you aspire to, or, learn about investments and put it in, say, an index tracker fund in a tax free ISA, and let it grow (without lifting a finger) until you wish to use it later on.

You may find that you can rent a far nicer house than you could afford to buy, if you stay renting, you may feel that you can remain living on more equal terms with your bf whilst you are investing your money in something like training/investments (just for you alone).

When you reach 60, what would you regret the most...having worked all your life in jobs you don't enjoy... not having tried your best to find work that makes you happy,....not building your own independent nest egg......not buying a house whilst subsidising your partner .... not buying your own house on your own?

What do you really want? Go for it Now.. Go Girl..

Phineyj Thu 21-Feb-13 13:17:11

They should pay for a cleaner, if they won't contribute to cleaning up. Bet that's what they'd do anyway if you weren't there.

mmmuffins Thu 21-Feb-13 13:12:35

I'm one of the people that thinks it is weird to not share finances, but when you are married. I don't think you should share finances with your boyfriend. I certainly wouldn't, even though I think my boyfriend is great!

Love isn't everything. If you are considering a long-term future with someone, I think it is very reasonable to consider less romantic aspects, like their ability to contribute to a household (both financially and physically). Think about what you think life would be like if you bought a house together, if you got married, if you had children, etc. Will he be a good person to go through life with, will you have the life that makes you happy? If no, he is not right for you.

Never, ever make commitments with man if you are leaning on the hope that he'll change after you move in together/ get married/ have children. He wont.

WilsonFrickett Thu 21-Feb-13 12:59:18

Oh, teach me to RTFT. He cleaned a bike chain on top of the dishes?

Seriously OP, go and buy your flat. Have him visit you or LTB. But you don't have to live like this.

WilsonFrickett Thu 21-Feb-13 12:56:41

Get a piece of paper and write down all the things that 'contribute' to making your relationship 'run' (these may not all apply at the moment but it's worth thinking about the longer term too)

Money
Housework
Cooking
Organising (like, setting up direct debits and booking the car for the MOT)
Gardening
Childcare
Driving
Budgeting /planning

- you'll have your own list. Earning the money is only part of this list as you can see. But both people have to have an equal amount of 'ticks' for a relationship to be equal, IMO.

" The thing is, i'm quite commitment averse/weird about couple-y stuff, and i find it hard to work out if i'm just being my usual emotionally crippled self, and should compromise more."
Well, I'm not commitment averse, but I wouldn't commit to someone who treated me the way he treats you. You've compromised quite a lot already (his brother being there, his leaving you to do everything, lending him money etc). 'Compromising' more would be indistinguishable from being a total doormat.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 21-Feb-13 01:14:21

Oh, this again. I'll say what I always say.

The only fair way to split work - paid work, housework, child care - fairly is to ensure that everyone has the same amount of free time. If you work longer hours, he uses the extra time to do the housework, and any housework left over is shared.

Housework comes after paid work but before leisure time, including hobbies. Fair enough, some hobbies can only be done at set times, so obviously sometimes you'll have to leave the house when it's not sparkling, but then you make up the work when you get home/the next day.

If one partner is at home with children, you proceed on the basis that everyone is acting in good faith; if that partner says that the children were hard that day and thus the housework isn't finished by the time the working partner gets home, then the remainder is split evenly. If the children are easy, the partner at home is able to do more and everyone gets an evening off.

'Personal care' work, such as making another person's lunch or ironing their clothes, comes after all work that benefits the household as a whole, and should only be done on a quid pro quo basis.

Everyone knows what the basic expectations of housework are, whether or not they choose to live up to them. Someone who 'doesn't care' about housework is probably lying and would care if it wasn't done (by someone else). BUT EVEN IF THEY DON'T CARE, they should do their share, because they care about you and part of caring about a person is putting in some effort to ensure that the environment you both live in, eat in, sleep in and love each other in is a pleasant one. If your partner is telling you that a) your leisure time and/or b) your ability to enjoy where you live are less important than his, then he's telling you something very important about how he sees you and your needs vs his own.

Morloth Thu 21-Feb-13 01:00:50

Well if you are not worried about marriage and kids and he is pretty OK as a boyfriend.

Why not get your own flat and have him to visit/visit him.

That way you can maintain your own space the way you want, he can do likewise.

You don't have to live with someone to have a close relationship.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a 'couple', nothing at all, perhaps it wouldn't suit you, so do something else.

But DO NOT fall into the trap of cleaning up after him and his DB, if they want to live like slobs, fine, but that means you don't live there.

Damn, I thought you were living with my ex!

It is all a little too neat for him, I think. Gets to live with his DB, act like a slob, live like a single but with the added benefit of a maid and sex on tap. He also knows that he doesn't have to grow up because you will do that for him (clean, buy a house, work long hours, clean some more). I might try him out living alone with him and see if the change is for the better or not.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 21-Feb-13 00:14:00

I would have no issue financially supporting another adult if they contributed towards the partnership in other ways whilst not working.

But an able bodied adult who has no care responsibilities who will not support my ability to work by cleaning up after himself who brings nothing to the table practicly or financially,no thanks.

tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 23:05:42

hmm, no dope or drinking too much, but they do like football and watching boxsets on their laptops with their headphones in. Some days when i get home, the living room looks like a silent disco smile

i feel heartened that it would be possible to buy the house myself, and have a sort of tenant's agreement with bf. I think i would feel better if i had some space that was just mine. The thing is, i'm quite commitment averse/weird about couple-y stuff, and i find it hard to work out if i'm just being my usual emotionally crippled self, and should compromise more.

Yfronts Wed 20-Feb-13 21:55:08

Don't trust that his parents will provide some money in a few years.

Yfronts Wed 20-Feb-13 21:54:40

Alternatively buy a house in your name only and rent it out.

Yfronts Wed 20-Feb-13 21:51:52

Buy the house in your name and DH can go halves on the bills? It might be better in the long term if the house is all yours.

Whocansay Wed 20-Feb-13 20:42:17

MrsTerryPratchett you made me chuckle! But I bet you're not far from the truth. wink

^"the thing is, we don't operate as a unit at the mome - when we moved in together, l was doing most of the housework as l had more time. When he stopped working, l expected him to do more, as he was at home during the day. He refused, on the grounds that he was likely to always have more time off than me, so he would end up doing more housework most of the time.
In my mind, that indicates that we aren't a time/finance unit, otherwise it wouldn' matter so much about the housework being 'fair' it would just be whoever wasn't earning would do that job, iyswim"^

Sorry OP, but you have all the answers you need in that post, right there. He regards his leisure time as having priority over yours. He feels entitled to have more leisure time than you. I know you said ^"I do actually believe them that they don't care about the cleanliness of the flat"^; but similarly, he must be aware that you DO care, and he is happy for you to work and then do all the housework rather than do it whilst he has time on his hands so that you can relax when you get home. That does not say good things to me about how much he cares for you and your happiness sad. You are absolutely right, it does indicate that you are not a team/unit.

You say he is in his thirties. He is therefore unlikely to change. In your shoes, I would find myself somewhere else to rent and move into. By all means date this man, but I think a little distance from him would do you good right now.

By the way, you said he owes you about £1,000. How did this come about, and how much effort is he putting in to repay you?

Domjolly Wed 20-Feb-13 20:00:07

Its your money and you do with it what your will

But i find pooling your rescources is important part of a relationship its about trust i would hate to think my oh thinks hes keeping me but with out me our family could not run we both do our part just in diffrent ways

Our rule is any over £100 must be talked over i think this is not about money but about trust and i think you dont trust him

DontmindifIdo Wed 20-Feb-13 19:53:25

I really don't think it has to be all or nothing OP - you don't have to put up with this or end your relationship completely, you can just move out in to your own place and not invite him to live with you. You can just date and still see each other regularly, but his mess, his finances, will stay in his flat and you can structure your home the way you want it. It might look like a step back, but moving in together where you are paying for it doesn't seem like a good step forward.

You said his parents are also prepared to put up some money towards a deposit, yet they've not done so for him and/or his DB to buy somewhere yet, or if they have he's turned them down, perhaps because he fears he wouldn't pay the mortgage and lose the money. Or will they only gift it if he's buying with someone else with a regular income like you to ensure the mortgage gets paid and they aren't just throwing away their money...

fedupofnamechanging Wed 20-Feb-13 18:29:01

Firstly it is your business how he spends his money, because it's not actually his money until he's paid you back!,

I definitely wouldn't buy a house with this man - what happens when he has a lean patch at work and cant pay his share of the mortgage? You will end up paying for everything and doing all the housework.

I would move out and get my own place. Still see him, but not live with him. He sounds like a very selfish, immature man child to me.

I'm having a psychic moment... They smoke a bit of dope, they like to watch footie/play video games while drinking a bit too much, they back each other up and act like a united front about housework and cleaning, they have never lived in adult set-ups before.. Any of this true?

Daddelion Wed 20-Feb-13 16:55:34

If it is his flat you should move out and leave him to it.

He sounds happy with his career and the level of housework he wants to do, so why try and change him?

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 20-Feb-13 16:53:08

We have had joint finances for 26 years - everything goes into one joint account and belongs to both of us, irrespective of who earned it.

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