to not want to financially support my partner?

(83 Posts)
tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 07:57:08

Ok, bit of background, have been with my bf for 4 years, living together for 2 in rented flat with his db. I have a steady job l don't enjoy and am also studying pt, but only for my own enjoyment/education rather than training for a better career. BF has a career in an arts field, in which he makes a living,but it is v boom and bust. When i finish my course, i'd like to buy a house, as bank of mum and dad have said they will help me out with a deposit on a long-term loan basis.
At the moment, he is between jobs, and l freely admit to being jealous as hell of his career (its an area l tried to work in but was unsuccessful) and when l'm getting up at six to go to work, doing my homework on the bus, reading books in my lunch hour and then coming home to work on my essay, and find he hasn't even done the washing up, l feel pretty wound up. At the moment,we have totally separate finances, (although he owes me about a grand) and so its none of my business how he spends his time/money, but if we buy a house and combine our finances, that will change.

So my questions are:
a) would it be foolish/fair to expect him to change his attitude to money and housework if/when l buy a house?
b) he says his parents said they will also contribute to a deposit in a few years time, but l'm not keen on combining such large sums. Does that mean our r/ship is doomed?
c) ls it U of me to be unhappy with the idea of financially supporting my partner, and always being the main earner? It

NopeStillNothing Wed 20-Feb-13 13:19:38

You are having to work more than it suits you to cover his shortfallings money wise. I'm sure you would not require a house this size etc. if they were not living with you? Equally it stands to reason that in return it is only fair that he does more housework than suits him surely?
The old ' I don't want it as clean as you' chestnut wouldn't wash with me.

Whocansay Wed 20-Feb-13 14:32:48

He washed a skanky bike chain in the sink,^ but left he dishes^!!! The bike chain was important, the dishes are not, because you will clean them.

Down all tools. Wash / cook / clean for yourself only. He has no respect for you. The fact he cleaned the chain and left the dishes shows he knows what he's doing. I'm now calling cocklodger! LTB.

It is not just lack of consideration for you, it is manipulative and very easy to say to a person who likes it clean "i dont care if it is clean or not so I wont clean" - It forces the other person to clean.

DeepRedBetty Wed 20-Feb-13 14:44:14

If he doesn't perceive what his db did with the bike chain as being very very wrong and he's in his thirties, I think it's incurable.

Also what's with "he owes me about a grand" but then "its none of my business how he spends his time/money"? - excuse me it most definitely is your business until he's paid that back!

tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 16:31:20

I do actually believe them that they don't care about the cleanliness of the flat - I saw the place when I moved in.

Dahlen Wed 20-Feb-13 16:48:01

If the fact that you're coming home from work and he hasn't done the washing up annoys you now, be prepared for the fact that it will annoy you 100x more if you are in a house you've bought and paid for while he doesn't work. And he's highly unlikely to change his approach to housework.

Personally, I couldn't live with someone whose standards were so different to my own. Not a judgement call, but a compatibility one.

AnnoyingOrange Wed 20-Feb-13 16:48:29

You need to bin him. He will not make you happy

Dahlen Wed 20-Feb-13 16:51:03

A lot also depends on when he is a young man on the brink of a successful career who is experiencing peaks and troughs at the beginning and doesn't want to take a more immediate job because it could hinder his career. Or whether he's basically just lazy and just used to people supporting him.

And while loving someone means being happy to look after them, in the absence of children, illness, disability of significant independent means, it is unreasonable for one adult to expect the other to do so. In the BF's position, the least I would be doing would be getting up with my DP some mornings so she didn't have to feel resentment at my lying in bed half the morning, and I would certainly be doing more than my fair share of the housework in recognition for the fact that I have no children to look after and no bills to pay.

amothersplaceisinthewrong Wed 20-Feb-13 16:53:08

We have had joint finances for 26 years - everything goes into one joint account and belongs to both of us, irrespective of who earned it.

Daddelion Wed 20-Feb-13 16:55:34

If it is his flat you should move out and leave him to it.

He sounds happy with his career and the level of housework he wants to do, so why try and change him?

I'm having a psychic moment... They smoke a bit of dope, they like to watch footie/play video games while drinking a bit too much, they back each other up and act like a united front about housework and cleaning, they have never lived in adult set-ups before.. Any of this true?

fedupofnamechanging Wed 20-Feb-13 18:29:01

Firstly it is your business how he spends his money, because it's not actually his money until he's paid you back!,

I definitely wouldn't buy a house with this man - what happens when he has a lean patch at work and cant pay his share of the mortgage? You will end up paying for everything and doing all the housework.

I would move out and get my own place. Still see him, but not live with him. He sounds like a very selfish, immature man child to me.

DontmindifIdo Wed 20-Feb-13 19:53:25

I really don't think it has to be all or nothing OP - you don't have to put up with this or end your relationship completely, you can just move out in to your own place and not invite him to live with you. You can just date and still see each other regularly, but his mess, his finances, will stay in his flat and you can structure your home the way you want it. It might look like a step back, but moving in together where you are paying for it doesn't seem like a good step forward.

You said his parents are also prepared to put up some money towards a deposit, yet they've not done so for him and/or his DB to buy somewhere yet, or if they have he's turned them down, perhaps because he fears he wouldn't pay the mortgage and lose the money. Or will they only gift it if he's buying with someone else with a regular income like you to ensure the mortgage gets paid and they aren't just throwing away their money...

Domjolly Wed 20-Feb-13 20:00:07

Its your money and you do with it what your will

But i find pooling your rescources is important part of a relationship its about trust i would hate to think my oh thinks hes keeping me but with out me our family could not run we both do our part just in diffrent ways

Our rule is any over £100 must be talked over i think this is not about money but about trust and i think you dont trust him

^"the thing is, we don't operate as a unit at the mome - when we moved in together, l was doing most of the housework as l had more time. When he stopped working, l expected him to do more, as he was at home during the day. He refused, on the grounds that he was likely to always have more time off than me, so he would end up doing more housework most of the time.
In my mind, that indicates that we aren't a time/finance unit, otherwise it wouldn' matter so much about the housework being 'fair' it would just be whoever wasn't earning would do that job, iyswim"^

Sorry OP, but you have all the answers you need in that post, right there. He regards his leisure time as having priority over yours. He feels entitled to have more leisure time than you. I know you said ^"I do actually believe them that they don't care about the cleanliness of the flat"^; but similarly, he must be aware that you DO care, and he is happy for you to work and then do all the housework rather than do it whilst he has time on his hands so that you can relax when you get home. That does not say good things to me about how much he cares for you and your happiness sad. You are absolutely right, it does indicate that you are not a team/unit.

You say he is in his thirties. He is therefore unlikely to change. In your shoes, I would find myself somewhere else to rent and move into. By all means date this man, but I think a little distance from him would do you good right now.

By the way, you said he owes you about £1,000. How did this come about, and how much effort is he putting in to repay you?

Whocansay Wed 20-Feb-13 20:42:17

MrsTerryPratchett you made me chuckle! But I bet you're not far from the truth. wink

Yfronts Wed 20-Feb-13 21:51:52

Buy the house in your name and DH can go halves on the bills? It might be better in the long term if the house is all yours.

Yfronts Wed 20-Feb-13 21:54:40

Alternatively buy a house in your name only and rent it out.

Yfronts Wed 20-Feb-13 21:55:08

Don't trust that his parents will provide some money in a few years.

tigermoll Wed 20-Feb-13 23:05:42

hmm, no dope or drinking too much, but they do like football and watching boxsets on their laptops with their headphones in. Some days when i get home, the living room looks like a silent disco smile

i feel heartened that it would be possible to buy the house myself, and have a sort of tenant's agreement with bf. I think i would feel better if i had some space that was just mine. The thing is, i'm quite commitment averse/weird about couple-y stuff, and i find it hard to work out if i'm just being my usual emotionally crippled self, and should compromise more.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 21-Feb-13 00:14:00

I would have no issue financially supporting another adult if they contributed towards the partnership in other ways whilst not working.

But an able bodied adult who has no care responsibilities who will not support my ability to work by cleaning up after himself who brings nothing to the table practicly or financially,no thanks.

Damn, I thought you were living with my ex!

It is all a little too neat for him, I think. Gets to live with his DB, act like a slob, live like a single but with the added benefit of a maid and sex on tap. He also knows that he doesn't have to grow up because you will do that for him (clean, buy a house, work long hours, clean some more). I might try him out living alone with him and see if the change is for the better or not.

Morloth Thu 21-Feb-13 01:00:50

Well if you are not worried about marriage and kids and he is pretty OK as a boyfriend.

Why not get your own flat and have him to visit/visit him.

That way you can maintain your own space the way you want, he can do likewise.

You don't have to live with someone to have a close relationship.

There is nothing wrong with not wanting to be in a 'couple', nothing at all, perhaps it wouldn't suit you, so do something else.

But DO NOT fall into the trap of cleaning up after him and his DB, if they want to live like slobs, fine, but that means you don't live there.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell Thu 21-Feb-13 01:14:21

Oh, this again. I'll say what I always say.

The only fair way to split work - paid work, housework, child care - fairly is to ensure that everyone has the same amount of free time. If you work longer hours, he uses the extra time to do the housework, and any housework left over is shared.

Housework comes after paid work but before leisure time, including hobbies. Fair enough, some hobbies can only be done at set times, so obviously sometimes you'll have to leave the house when it's not sparkling, but then you make up the work when you get home/the next day.

If one partner is at home with children, you proceed on the basis that everyone is acting in good faith; if that partner says that the children were hard that day and thus the housework isn't finished by the time the working partner gets home, then the remainder is split evenly. If the children are easy, the partner at home is able to do more and everyone gets an evening off.

'Personal care' work, such as making another person's lunch or ironing their clothes, comes after all work that benefits the household as a whole, and should only be done on a quid pro quo basis.

Everyone knows what the basic expectations of housework are, whether or not they choose to live up to them. Someone who 'doesn't care' about housework is probably lying and would care if it wasn't done (by someone else). BUT EVEN IF THEY DON'T CARE, they should do their share, because they care about you and part of caring about a person is putting in some effort to ensure that the environment you both live in, eat in, sleep in and love each other in is a pleasant one. If your partner is telling you that a) your leisure time and/or b) your ability to enjoy where you live are less important than his, then he's telling you something very important about how he sees you and your needs vs his own.

" The thing is, i'm quite commitment averse/weird about couple-y stuff, and i find it hard to work out if i'm just being my usual emotionally crippled self, and should compromise more."
Well, I'm not commitment averse, but I wouldn't commit to someone who treated me the way he treats you. You've compromised quite a lot already (his brother being there, his leaving you to do everything, lending him money etc). 'Compromising' more would be indistinguishable from being a total doormat.

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