Is my sister BU?

(79 Posts)
LikeAWire Sun 17-Feb-13 22:41:23

NC as talking about our salaries etc. Our parents didn't earn very much and sacrificed a lot, particularly financially, so that we could have the best experiences growing up. As they have got older they have got progressively worse-off and now earn just under the average.

In contrast, my sister and I did very well out of their efforts and she earns £22.5k plus bonuses and will earn more once she qualifies. I earn £23k and am looking forward to a substantial promotion in the summer if all goes well. We are 24 and 25 respectively. DP comes from an extremely well-off background and is very generous. This is all relevant.

We have a kitchen gadget that my DM fell in love with over Christmas. It is approx £100 so not too much money to either DSis or me/DP, particularly in light of how much our parents have given us/continue to want to give us even though we stand on our own feet. Her birthday has gone, Christmas has gone so I suggested that we buy it for Mothers' Day. DSis refused on the grounds that it's too much. Meanwhile DM is talking about buying a v cheap version -all she can afford - and I am fuming that we can so easily buy her a good version, save for DSis holding out (our presents are always joint - if DP and I buy it family WW3 will break out). Eventually I have persuaded her that, if DF contributes what they would have spent, we will make the difference up.

Now it's their major anniversary coming up at the end of the year. They want to go away with us for the weekend. DM says maybe they'll treat themselves to a non-Travelodge stay. So I said to DSis that their present could be a nice hotel stay, just a normal nice hotel, nothing extreme (they are strictly caravan/Travelodge people, as we were until I met DP and DSis got her job - DSis gets to stay in some v swanky places for work and was bitching about being put in a Premier Inn last year). DSis said fine but it "had to" have a family room she could stay in with DParents as she wasn't forking out for a single room plus the share of their room. I don't think it's nice that it's their anniversary and they have to share a room with their adult child hmm so I have agreed with DP that we will split the cost of her room and ours three ways. He is fine with it as he wants my parents to have a good time but a bit hmm with my sister after all the fuss about the kitchen gadget - it has taken me since Christmas to get her to part with more than £10 on a gift for my Mum.

Is DSis BU? She has the money, we have the money and we are in this fortunate position thanks to the boost my parents gave us. I'm not suggesting we go OTT but I think we can afford to treat them now.

We often do joint present buying in our family. For example it's dh 40th this year and I've asked his parents, brother and my parents and sister if they want to contribute. The difference is it's a choice and the amount they contribute is entirely up to then. And if they want to get something else instead and not contribute at all that is just as fine. If I can't afford the present i'm planning I'll either get something else or buy it anyway and it can be part of his Christmas present too. I certainly won't go chasing anyone to give more.

For us this works well but it works because people can do what they want and there's no pressure.

So there is nothing wrong with joint present giving in a situation like this but everything wrong with bullying people into spending more they can afford on a present they wouldn't choose to give.

And just as much wrong in being faulted into not giving a present you want to give because someone else can't match it. Since when was present giving a competition? It's the thought that counts not the monetary value, and if your parents grew up without much I expect they'll appreciate this more than most.

We often do joint present buying in our family. For example it's dh 40th this year and I've asked his parents, brother and my parents and sister if they want to contribute. The difference is it's a choice and the amount they contribute is entirely up to then. And if they want to get something else instead and not contribute at all that is just as fine. If I can't afford the present i'm planning I'll either get something else or buy it anyway and it can be part of his Christmas present too. I certainly won't go chasing anyone to give more.

For us this works well but it works because people can do what they want and there's no pressure.

So there is nothing wrong with joint present giving in a situation like this but everything wrong with bullying people into spending more they can afford on a present they wouldn't choose to give.

And just as much wrong in being faulted into not giving a present you want to give because someone else can't match it. Since when was present giving a competition? It's the thought that counts not the monetary value, and if your parents grew up without much I expect they'll appreciate this more than most.

See I feel so strongly about that I thought I'd post it twice so you didn't miss it.....

wintersweet Tue 19-Feb-13 08:32:05

Regardless of what either of you earn I think you should stop buying joint presents it seems to be causing a lot of conflict between you. Celebrations should be a time to come together and enjoy not fall out over presents or secretly resent how much you've had to invest. Simply say to your sister that you both have different ideas about what you'd like to buy for your parents and you should both buy different presents. I can completely understand how she feels about forking out for a single room plus supplement, maybe she should book a double and tell them that her partner is travelling down later when booking in, but staying in your parents room on their anniversary is unfair.

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