To not let him change/bath baby

(59 Posts)
Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 19:27:27

Okay, mil has a relatively new partner, they have been together 18 months and are getting married in a few months. Dp and I have met him quite a few times but aren't too sure about him (there's a few reasons for this but would take forever). He's very over familiar yet we consider him pretty much a 'stranger' to our dd. mil was bathing ds and he was in bathroom too. The next night, dp and i left dd with mil for an hour while we had Chance for heart to heart sat in the car! we went Indoors abd her partner was Bathing dd alone. i just feel uncomfortable with this as they live quite Far away from Us and we Dont see them very Often so i dont feel we know Him well enough. There's nothing sinister here and I do not think anything badly of him but it doesn't feel 'right'.

YANBU. Trust your instincts, if you feel uncomfortable and something feels off then it probably is. I have the same problem with my mum's partner, even though she's been with him 17 years. I've posted about him a few times on here, and the consensus has been to trust my instincts. My dds are 9 and 6 now, but I've felt uncomfortable having him around them since my eldest was a baby. My dds never sleep over at my mum's house and she never babysits them at her house either only at our's. It's something that distresses her and she doesn't understand why, but I just keep saying no. Stick to your guns, she's your baby and you must do what feels right to protect her.

pigletmania Sat 16-Feb-13 19:58:33

YANBU at all. It is very inappropriate of him to be rushing in and giving your dd baths so eagerly, mot mn would be uncomfortable in doing this to an unfamiliar child.

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 19:58:37

You need to say to him directly and you mil so there is no room for confusion. Don't apologise or explain; don't try to justify what you are saying.

MIL's partner, on x day you bathed our dd, please don't do this again. Dh and I will bathe her when she needs it. Few seconds of eye contact, nice warm smile and then ask who would like a cup of tea!

pigletmania Sat 16-Feb-13 19:59:52

I meant meant men would be uncomfortable doingths roan unfamiliar child

lovesmileandlaugh Sat 16-Feb-13 20:03:26

My Dad, who spends a lot of time with my DD's would never just have bathed them. If they'd been sick, or horrendously messed themselves, he would if he'd HAD to. But no, I think most men realise there is a boundary there (whether we agree with it or not!)

UpUpDown Sat 16-Feb-13 20:04:17

He is a random man...why would you want him bathing her? Most people would understand this without having to tell them

why did he take it upon himself to take her for a bath??

Haggisfish Sat 16-Feb-13 20:04:27

YANBU not to want him to do it alone - fair enough bathing with MIL or you, but not alone. They should be sensitive enough to realise this.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:05:29

We would never let her stay over there, we left her for an hour because we just needed to talk a few things over in private and it was easier to leave her playing happily. I just don't trust them not to go totally against our routines and get her out of bed to play etc. they cannot handle the fact that she's not a cuddly baby and constantly try to smother her. Mil always tells me 'she wants.....'! Yep, that's right, you know my baby better than I do! It's the face that he didn't ask that gets me and hopefully we will never be in that situation again.

UpUpDown Sat 16-Feb-13 20:07:14

The same as lovesmilelaugh my dds are as happy to be with my dad as they are to be with me...some times they will seek him when they are hurt/upset instead of me. He wouldnt bath them unless he really had to.

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 20:07:39

What age is your daughter?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:09:47

Do you know what lovesmileandlaugh, I don't think my dad would bath her or change her nappy. My dad would also not ask me why I've stopped breast feeding or ask me why I've only made one cup of tea 5 days after a horrendous birth. Mil told me they were visiting his daughter who lives an hour away so they were driving to hospital to see me when dd was fresh out-I was on day 3 of labour and not yet in hospital. Why would she think it would be acceptable or appropriate to bring him to see me in labour/just after. I had already told my own parents I didn't want anyone at hospital. He (and she) seems to have no concept of boundaries.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:10:43

Pinkflipflop, she's 9 months.

UpUpDown Sat 16-Feb-13 20:12:25

i think your dp needs to be having words with his mum about boundaries?

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:12:58

Debbylovesdallas, I know this hasn't been going on very long but I see myself in your situation. I can't imagine ever being comfortable with him.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:13:38

Upupdown, that's a whole different thread! Men and their mothers!

scarlettsmummy2 Sat 16-Feb-13 20:14:28

I wouldn't be fussed on any man other than my husband bathing my girls. I know logically that seems extreme but it just makes me uncomfortable.

SirBoobAlot Sat 16-Feb-13 20:15:03

I wouldn't want someone I barely knew bathing my DS, regardless of what 'relation' they were. I'll be honest and admit that it wasn't until DS was over a year I left his grandmother - exPs mum - bath him alone, simply because I didn't know her very well, and it took me that length of time to feel completely confident that she could take care of DS. I'd happily leave him alone with her for the entire day now.

CremeEggThief Sat 16-Feb-13 20:16:59

Trust your instincts, OP.

Pinkflipflop Sat 16-Feb-13 20:17:23

So you were at your MIL's house for 1 hour and the partner decided to bath your dd? Was she even in need of a bath? It's even more weird that it wasn't in your house. If you don't mind me saying, why couldn't you and your dh talk or have a heart to heart in your own house? Now I'm not saying that his weird and inappropriate behaviour is your fault at all; just this highlights that you need to watch your dd very carefully when this man is around. As you say, he has no concept of boundaries.

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:23:56

Pinkflipflop, we were visiting dps family and staying with his dad. We were visiting mil for the day and dp had pile of post at hers which we needed to discuss quickly and privately (she's opened his post in the past) we were going back to his dads for dinner, bath and bed for dd.
she did not need a bath, it was too early and they knew very well that we would be doing bedtime routine at fils. Think they may have just wanted some involvement but we don't stay there because she refuses to change cot mattress from 30 year old one despite dp explaining that dd can't sleep on this. We usually get the train which is why this has been issue in the past, we've only just got car and didn't have time to sort mattress before we went and tbh I don't want to stay there put of principle now anyway! Hope this makes it a bit clearer.

Smudging Sat 16-Feb-13 20:31:11

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NomNomDePlumPudding Sat 16-Feb-13 20:32:48

bathed off his own bat for no apparent reason. sorry, i would have a massive problem with this, to the extent that i wouldn't leave her in their care even for an hour anymore. and i wouldn't care who called it an overreaction. there is no need to bathe a child to bond with her, so i can't think of a good reason why it was done.

pigletmania Sat 16-Feb-13 20:36:54

He sound very strange and overfamiliar. Dh needs to be having words with them. If you are still not comfortable don't leave dd alone with them. Trust your gut

Dylanlovesbaez Sat 16-Feb-13 20:37:26

This has made me realise I'm not being unreasonable just because its inappropriate. I do think in his warped way he was trying to bond with her and think he's basically a bit of an idiot. Think we just need to tell the pair of them, this is how we do it, we are her parents, like it or lump it. I don't want to upset anyone but this has just added to the list of reasons why I will not leave her with them. They literally didn't even need to disturb her, she was playing nicely and I assumed they would just interact with her, just have fun. Surely that's best way to bond and make her comfortable!

iwantanafternoonnap Sat 16-Feb-13 20:44:14

I am an extremely relaxed parent and anybody I knew could have bathed DS when he was a baby and still now at 3 years but none of my family or friends would have just done it without asking.

Your post has sent shivers down my spine. I would have flipped at him just doing that and I think you should trust your instincts particularly as he did it without a real need for your daughter to have a bath.

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