I have just had a surreal telephone conversation with her where she has said that me seeing terrible domestic violence between her and my father (alcoholic) and their very acrimonious divorce when I was 6 together with my father buggering off and never seeing him again (he was never mentioned again and she once strangled me when I said I wished I'd gone with him), then her immediately remarrying for money, not love, would have had no impact on me at all. I was fine apparently. I did not get as far as to mention the psychological abuse she inflicted on me all through my teens until I left home at 18 and the outrageous favouritism she bestowed (and still does) on the children she had with my stepfather as I could see there was no point. She said that me almost dying of german measles would have affected me though which I was never aware of until today. Although I was only kept in hospital overnight so hardly on life support.
As an adult I have suffered panic attacks and waves of fear and dread constantly that has made me feel I am going mad and I have isolated myself so have no friends. I believe I have PTSD as I suffered further trauma in the death of my 2nd child and apparently childhood trauma is a mitigating factor and I NEED to get to bottom of it so I can live a normal life but I have blocked most of my childhood out and wanted her to tell me what went on but she won't.
I feel so much anger at her when she tells me 'just move on' and that is what I want more anything (so I can get an actual life rather then waste time on MN ) but I feel like I need to get to the root of the problem to be able to do that and I need her help which she won't give because then she will have to face up to the damage she inflicted on me. She was never there for me as a child (which she admits) but she is not here for me as an adult either.
AIBU to feel such fucking rage to her? I was not looking to blame anybody, I know she had a terrible life, I just want to know why I am such a fuck up so I can do something about it .
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AIBU?
to think my mother is a bloody nutter at best or bloody horrible at worst?
31 replies
StuckForAUserName · 15/02/2013 12:48
OP posts:
LunaticFringe ·
15/02/2013 13:15
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