To think if you accept so much help from PIL you shouldn't bitch?

(47 Posts)
AnneNonimous Thu 14-Feb-13 17:53:12

My friend has two DC's aged 3 and 2. She is a married SAHM and her husband works part time. His parents have been very involved in their DC's life since their first son was born. They have them for weekends a lot and are always buying them clothes or shoes. They also paid for friend and her husband to move into their current house.

This weekend friend and her husband will be going away to a hotel just the two of them, leaving DC with PIL. She commented that she's so excited to go but a bit annoyed because she knows PIL will spoil DC with treats and they will behave badly. She constantly makes comments to me along these lines, and has said she has been rethinking their role in the DCs lives as she doesn't like the way they look after them (from what I've gathered this means the amounts of treats they get).

Today I gently suggested that if she's happy to accept so much free child care from them maybe she should be grateful rather than critical. Not in those exact words and I do think I phrased it non confrontationally but friend certainly didn't see it that way. She got upset and said I was against her, and currently won't talk to me.

Was I being unreasonable? Kicking myself for not sticking to the standard 'hmming' and 'aahing'

Procrastinating Thu 14-Feb-13 18:43:39

YANBU, your friend's life is beyond my wildest dreams. I would have said something too.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Thu 14-Feb-13 18:48:50

YANBU.

If you accept free help then it seems very unreasonable to moan about it. If you absolutely have no other option it is still very unreasonable to moan about it.
It is hardworking looking after DC's and it is a huge favour to agree to look after them.

pluCaChange Thu 14-Feb-13 19:38:45

You did say she was "rethinking" their role. Could this be finally "it"?

Internationaltraveller Thu 14-Feb-13 19:56:06

Good for you OP

Adversecamber Thu 14-Feb-13 19:57:54

YANBU I have friends that have accepted money and childcare but complain all the time about their parents.

NeedlesCuties Thu 14-Feb-13 21:06:40

YANBU.

I am envy about so much childcare.

HollyBerryBush Thu 14-Feb-13 21:12:03

She is a married SAHM and her husband works part time

oh love her! I bet she can afford a shed load of professional help with her tax credits.

Viviennemary Thu 14-Feb-13 21:14:11

I agree completely. I had a colleague once who moaned non stop about her pil's on a holiday they all went on to the Carribean. Moan moan moan. Then somebody said to me afterwards do you realise the il's paid for that holiday. I hadn't. Some people think of it as an entitlement. If their il's have money they think they should have a good share of it. After all what would middle aged or old people want with money.

willesden Thu 14-Feb-13 21:19:21

I don't agree that if you get lots of free childcare from PIL, then you should also take the crap too. My PIL have spoilt my DD so much that she is a complete nightmare now. It may be free childcare, but it can be on very hard terms, believe me.

KissMyGrits Thu 14-Feb-13 21:28:02

An acquaintance has her MIL clean her house and do her washing, then moans because she throws things away or doesn't do it the way she likes it. This woman is a SAHM and there's no reason she can't do it herself.
One time the MIL took her DD to the mall and bought her a £10 bag as a treat, which pissed said acquaintance off because 'she could have given that money to me to buy some food shopping'.
Some people have no idea how lucky they are.

bumperella Thu 14-Feb-13 22:42:57

You sound like you're very jealous of your friends lifestyle -SAHM, dad working part time, on-tap babysitters. Jealousy not good basis for forming opinions, esp opinions you're actually going to voice, however gently.

BUT.... if you accept childcare then you accept the terms of that child-care. If you don't like the way someone is dealing with your child then you either find an alternative you prefer, or you STFU. That goes for in-laws, grandparents, nursery, whatever.

Lockedout434 Fri 15-Feb-13 00:57:46

I have a huge amount of help from my parents which i am very grateful for

BUT my mother drives me nuts.
I so agree with the phrase not all help is helpful. sometimes it's loaded with guilt , sometimes it's a control thing and sometimes it's because it's due to them not thinking I am capable.
My mum will tell me how to do the most basic of things and then gets uptight when it's not done her way, to her timetable. From minor things as changing where the cutlery goes , niggle, niggle to huge things like part stripping a newly decorated wall as she didn't like the paper!
I have still never got over that.
My dad is a star though calm kind no fuss and besotted with his GC. I am 40 odd by the way. Competent confident. If I did nt have my mate to vent to I think I would have murdered my mother by now.
So I can see both points I should be uncomplaining and grateful but some help comes with strings.

1944girl Fri 15-Feb-13 01:29:21

I am jealous of anyone who gets help from parents or PIL.
My parents gave me no help at all when my children were small.MIL would give help only when it suited her, and would expect a reward for it.
I am now a grandmother and am always giving help.Something I vowed I would do when my children grew up.
As for asking for financial help when you can afford to stay at home and not work-well that I think is total ungratitude.

It depends on tone of complaining. It's perfectly possible to welcome help from ILs (or your own parents), think that it's important DC have a good close relationship with their GPs, but wish they didn't feed them almost exclusively on sugar. But there are different ways of phrasing that.

and has said she has been rethinking their role in the DCs lives as she doesn't like the way they look after them. ..................Today I gently suggested that if she's happy to accept so much free child care from them maybe she should be grateful rather than critical

But OP, isn't your friend saying that she is rethinking whether she does use them for free childcare because she is unhappy with how they are looking after them - ie what you are suggesting! I do understand what she is saying, on the one hand she is getting a break but the downside of that is that there is an aftermath she'll have to deal with which is spoilt children getting 100% their own way and non-stop treats and having to deal with the transition back to normal life!

I personally don't think free childcare is as great as people think it is. It comes with conditions you may not like. I have chosen my paid childcare (CM) on the basis that we have similar attitudes and approaches to parenting e.g how many treats, how much tv etc. I would not be happy if GP were regular carers and their way is totally different from mine as it would cause too much grief during he transitions from one caring approach to another, hence why I don't do that.

Having said that, they would also need to not accept any more financial help from them too, she can't have it both ways!

ssd Fri 15-Feb-13 09:57:36

a colleague had her PIL take her kids on a 2 week holiday during the school hols, saving said colleague and her dh the expense of providing a holiday for the kids, or having to take time off in the school hols

she moaned that she'd need to go to primark to get the kids shorts and tee shirts for the holiday, it was all inclusive and she didnt put a penny towards it

she has her parents and his take the kids and treat them all the time, also treat her and her dh to weekends away

she moans about her life non stop (to me with no help/money/etc)

seriously

MortifiedAdams Fri 15-Feb-13 10:00:02

Why does she need so much childcare if she SAHMs and her DH is PT? Very strange!!

ssd Fri 15-Feb-13 10:04:52

cos she's one lazy cow mortified

diddl Fri 15-Feb-13 10:06:25

"His parents have been very involved in their DC's life since their first son was born."

"They also paid for friend and her husband to move into their current house."

They could just be very generous ILs, or it might come at a price & they won´t butt out!

diddl Fri 15-Feb-13 10:09:41

"Why does she need so much childcare if she SAHMs and her DH is PT?"

Maybe she doesn´t need it but feels she has to let them do it because of money ILs have paid out?

Maybe she just enjoys time with her husband & takes the chance when she can?

Does no one on here accept something unless they need it?

"I do think I phrased it non confrontationally but friend certainly didn't see it that way. She got upset and said I was against her, and currently won't talk to me."
Well, if you did as you say, her reaction is quite telling. If you don't agree with her you are against her, no divergence of opinion allowed. And not talking to you? Quite childish.

Crinkle77 Fri 15-Feb-13 11:56:49

She sounds like a right ungrateful cow, Thing is the point of grandparents is to spoile their grandkids - within reason of course

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