To say dv is often carried out by people who are 'charm personified'

(165 Posts)
notnagging Thu 14-Feb-13 13:52:19

Just got me thinking. I know people who's partners seem lovely to the outside world but are monsters behind closed doors. That's the whole point. When something does happen people don't believe it.

Adversecamber Thu 14-Feb-13 15:53:24

My ex was not charming he actually came across as a little introverted. He has a very respectable job and travels internationally with work and has plenty of money. Behind closed doors he could be a monster with his fists and emotional cruelty and threats,such as I could kill you now if I wanted to.

I think people assuming an abuser will be some uneducated knuckle dragger is incredibly dangerous.

BertieBotts Thu 14-Feb-13 15:54:34

There are little red flags... you notice them after a while.

Another one is someone who has a very jokey kind of attitude, everything is a laugh, don't take yourself TOO seriously kind of thing, because that enables them to laugh stuff off as "a joke" and claim you have no sense of humour if you question them.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 15:54:43

I believe i have that 6th sense too. i never worry that i will end up with another man like that.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 15:57:17

Adverscamber, sounds like my x. i dont know why he was so angry. he was clever, wwell educated, hadva good job. he also came across as being introverted (buut decent and normal so i thought at first).

BertieBotts Thu 14-Feb-13 15:57:28

I worry, or at least I would if I wasn't happy with DP, because although I can spot them I tend to find them very attractive, and I can't say why.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 16:03:41

Dahlen, now, if i hear someone commit one of those "infractions" i will be on tenterhooks then. one off? am i judging too quickly? too harshly!? and then invariably if my radar is bleeping ill hear another comment that gives me the chill; the confirmation my sixth sense hadnt let me down.

tipp2chicago Thu 14-Feb-13 16:06:11

Wow Dahlen, my boss has every one of the traits you describe. Interesting.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 16:07:13

Bertie maybe you want to do it again but with a different ending this time.
this time, the abuser listens to reason and sees your pov, and acknowledges he's abused you, says sorry and means it.

i think i play around with that in my head. but it will never happen. i dont speak to my x now. at all. ever.

littlemisssarcastic Thu 14-Feb-13 16:26:52

Oh yes, relate to abusers making everything out to be a joke. Doing horrible things to a woman, then saying it was just a joke.
Makes you feel like you have lost your SOH if you fail to see the joke.

It was only a joke, don't get so upset, haven't you got a sense of humour.

BertieBotts Thu 14-Feb-13 16:29:37

No not at all. I tend to be very aware within a short time of why I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with them, but they're still very sexually attractive to me. Perhaps it's something to do with my ex, I don't know. Maybe I'm just sex-starved at the moment and finding anyone attractive grin I haven't seen DP since Christmas.

Dahlen Thu 14-Feb-13 16:36:58

Bertie, I read somewhere that those feelings of attraction are because your brain has confused the physical symptoms of fear with the physical symptoms of excitement - both of which are very similar. Basically, when you meet another abuser you are picking up on the signals he gives out. That's awakening feelings of fearing your subconscious which your conscious brain is interpreting as sexual attraction. It is possible to break that association through CBT or counselling, but just being aware of what's happening and rationalising it every time it happens can often do the trick as well.

RedHotRudieParts Thu 14-Feb-13 16:40:51

Oh yes, I can spot them a mile off and have never been wrong yet << polishes badge>> My sisters 'salt of the earth, popular, hardworking type ' ex was an abusive bastard behind closed doors, everyone in my family thought he was great and couldn't understand my attitude.......until dsis left that is. Funny thing is they struggle with my dp who is a grumpy bastard but I love him pretty quiet hmm

Ddi is currently banned from her best friends house after I met his nannies new partner ( he lives with his nan ) the man gave me a feeling best described as roaches crawling down my spine........of course he's a lovely man who things her dgs Will no longer have sn if they treat him as a normal kid wants to raise her dgs as his own hmm

He's already isolated one of her dds after he sent her a nasty letter about her kids, of course he was only upset about the effect their bickering had on his future wife hmm

bottleofbeer Thu 14-Feb-13 16:49:04

Yep, my sister's ex. He's Mr happy jolly great fun. Behind closed doors he beat her senseless.

It started as soon as she got pregnant.

His eyes are completely dead though, even when he's playing silly buggers and being fun fun fun! his eyes never match his outward demeanour.

Sunnywithshowers Thu 14-Feb-13 16:51:36

My F emotionally abused my mother and, again, comes across as a lovely bloke. He did a good job of convincing people that he was the rational one. He's now a born again Christian, who apparently sees no dissonance between his treatment of my DM and us, and Christian values.

Definitely. My SF used to beat my mother but was 'good old cheery A' to everyone who knew him. Right now he's being EA to my mother which she doesn't recognise as abuse.

My GF used to beat my mother and siblings, have affairs and was financially abusive. He's incredibly jolly but the mask slips when he's talking about certain things. He is not a nice man.

After a number of dodgy relationships myself I can sometimes sense when a 'seemingly nice' man is a ball of rage underneath. I keep the fuck away.

His eyes are completely dead though, even when he's playing silly buggers and being fun fun fun! his eyes never match his outward demeanour

I know someone like this bottleofbeer. If ever the subject of domestic violence comes up DH and I always mention him. He hasn't been married very long. I do wonder if and when this 'dead' side of him might come out and what it might do sad He is never wrong and knows everything about raising children in the 'correct' manner, dispute having none of his own.

Rooneyisalwaysmoaning Thu 14-Feb-13 17:09:29

I know what you mean OP. I'm sure there are people I'd never suspect but sometimes you just get a hmm feeling about someone.

There was a chap at a school years ago, where ds used to go, and he was a dad of a boy in our class. One time he marched over to our car in the car park to ask if my son had beaten up his son, or something like that - no evidence, just some crossed wires I think (ds hadn't - he]s never hit anyone apart from his brother!) and the way he did it - trailing his tiny wife - 'me and my wife' rt of thing. She did not speak a word.

He always came to school alone or with her and she was always silent when she was there. And he played the happy interested father, staying behind every afternoon to conspiculously play kick around football with his son. So everyone could see what a great dad he was, it was all about him.

I never saw her again. I used to wonder if he forced her to stay at home so he could be in charge of everything. I had no reason to think he was an abusive wanker, I just really couldn't shake that feeling

My friend just took up with a bloke as well, and I had a feeling he would be trouble, no reason really - and then I asked why his last relationship ended and she said he told her his ex had beaten him, locked him in a room and set his house on fire.
Immediately I thought, right you are. And lo and behold he's started being aggressive to her. They are weeks into it, she's pg, I feel like I should have said something.

PretzelTime Thu 14-Feb-13 17:10:31

I have known so many guys like that! It's scary since they're so social and charming people will think of them as good and friendly and will often take their side even if they do/say something obviously bad in front of others. They refuse to see it, because he is such a nice guy! Combine that with a victim who is less charming and social than him. Often extra quiet because the abuse is affecting her.

bottleofbeer Thu 14-Feb-13 17:14:07

Strange isn't it?

For the first couple of years they were together they were happy as Larry (or at least we thought they were, I'm sure there were red flags that were just never picked up on) but they also lives hundreds of miles away. As soon as she got pregnant he started cheating on her and hitting her. I believe it's often a trigger with abusive men.

Her second child was born by emcs at 30 weeks, as my sister lay in recovery alarms started beeping, they'd cut into an artery and she was bleeding out into her abdomen. She was literally dying in front of him and he sat there eating a sandwich. There's calm in a crisis and then there's continuing to eat your lunch while the crash team take the mother of your prem baby back to theatre in a full on life and death emergency. Luckily, after a full blood volume transfusion (and being clinically dead for 11 seconds) she pulled through. He didn't at any point think to phone any of us and tell us. First I knew was next day when I called the hospital to find out how she was and was told "we think she'll make it, dont worry" - what? she only had a section?!

When I started to wake up to what he is the dead eye thing was so obvious I couldn't believe I'd never noticed it before. But them I wasn't looking and we hardly saw them anyway.

PretzelTime Thu 14-Feb-13 17:20:41

Holy shit bottle that's so awful!shock So glad to hear that your sister managed to survive that. And that the man is an ex.

bottleofbeer Thu 14-Feb-13 17:25:19

Her older daughter stayed with me while my sister was in hospital. My daughter is the same age and I remember we were all messing about wearing (unused!) little swimmers nappies on our heads. For some reason that really bothers me, that we were playing while she was fighting for her life and none of us knew anything apart from the baby was obviously early but hey, 30 weeks isn't that prem anymore in terms of survival rates and as far as we knew the baby was doing ok.

Strange times!

KenLeeeeeee Thu 14-Feb-13 17:25:22

Everyone loved my stepdad; he was the life and soul of the party, very charming, very funny. Behind closed doors he was a vicious, violent paedophile and rapist. I was 9 when we managed to escape so I have no idea if he outwardly gave off any red flags.

Darkesteyes Thu 14-Feb-13 17:27:19

Everyone says how nice my DH is and he is in a lot of ways. He doesnt financially abuse or hit me. But they dont see the emotional physical and sexual neglect because that part of life isnt always obvious to the outside world.
My DM was watching the news a while ago when reports of a DV murder of a lady in a salon came on and she said "how can someone do something like that"
But when you try to tell her that it doesnt just happen out of the blue she refuses to see it.
While watching the ridiculous Take Me Out she made very mysogynistic comments about how many of them were seperated and divorced and have children already.
She thinks that they should stay on their own or try harder at their relationships. When i asked if that included putting up with being hit she didnt like it.
I try to point out that domestic abuse murders and serious assault do not normally just happen out of the blue but im really pissing in the wind with this.
Cant belive people can be so thick.

Darkesteyes Thu 14-Feb-13 17:29:11

What i meant was abuse normally starts with smaller things and then escalates. She cant fucking see it though. or doesnt want to.

Darkesteyes Thu 14-Feb-13 17:31:16

bottleofbeer to echo Pretzel Time im happy your sis survived that and that she isnt with him anymore.

Merl0t Thu 14-Feb-13 18:35:52

they have you over a barrel when you're pregnant. my x's lack of respect started when i got pregnant. BUT i still had a job to go back to, and 'only' one child. things got really, really, really, intolerably bad when I had my second child and did not go back to work. (only because my salary wouldn't have covered childcare for two and he basically told me he wouldn't fund my working). I knew I was cornering myself. I still didn't know what else to do at that point. My x tore a clump out of my hair when i was 9 wks prgnant. He stood in front of a judge last week and said there was no domestic violence whatsoever. NOT that the judges care to be honest.

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