to end a pregnancy without DH's knowledge

(151 Posts)
uggbug Mon 11-Feb-13 20:15:42

Background: I am once of those idiots who I have always laughed at who has fallen PG by accident. After my DD2 I went on to Cerazette which made my hair fall out even more. Ditched it, made DH use condoms. He would (TMI) put it in pre the really exciting part to 'see how nice it feels'. Then take it and put condom on. Yes I am a fool, a twat and all those other things. I am 34 and have behaved like a thick 14 yr old. He said among other things (correctly)...'come on, it took 18 mths to get PG with DD2 - you're not going to get PG with some foreplay'. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Anyway. Am PG. 2-3 weeks. 100% no more kids for me. Our marriage only just survived the last 2. He says he doesn't want any more, but I suspect when confronted with this situation may or may not be 1%+ in doubt of that. If I tell him, then insist on a very early (drugs) termination, I run the risk that he will secretly hate me for ever. Every time we talk about 'ha ha,2 is enough isn't it!' it will be tainted by this memory. He may see me as a hard bitch. It may break us in the long term?

I am considering just going to doc tomorrow and doing it. On my own. No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it (I am taking equal responsibility here BTW).

BUT no guilt for me relating to him. He never knows. He is already stressed to the max at work. I know he should have a say, but what is the point if I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER, EVER?

??? Flame away. I am agonising.

RufousBartleby Mon 11-Feb-13 21:19:45

No support. Will have to go through it by myself. No 'lesson' for DH that you can't just push to have sex as you like and get away with it

OP I think from reading what you have said that you are not going to able to cope with keeping this to yourself.

I think the resentment will eat away at you that you have had to carry this burden alone and next time he 'pushes' for sex you will be unable to contain that anger that you felt forced to go through this unsupported. Whatever he might think now (and if he thinks you are a bitch that says more about him than you) it will probably be more corrosive to keep this to yourself.

I get the feeling that you don't really think it is okay for him to 'get away with it' without seeing the consequences of your actions either.

MoppingMummy Mon 11-Feb-13 21:20:03

I definitely couldn't keep such a big secret. I would be really worried about something going wrong or your dh finding out you'd gone behind his back with something as huge as this.

Btw we acted stupid before too and ended up with a third dc - she is absolutely amazing & I could never imagine life without her - would a third really be so bad?

Sidge Mon 11-Feb-13 21:20:08

Secrets in marriage can be a terrible and destructive thing and concealing an unwanted pregnancy and subsequent termination could be the death knell for your marriage.

everlong Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:00

I agree it's your choice. It's a hard decision to make alone though and a huge burden of a secret to keep to yourself.

Are you scared to speak to him?

Theicingontop Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:32

Your choice, but op, have someone there for you. It will hurt, and you will need to rest and sleep. It's like having a miscarriage, and you'll find it hard to keep discrete I think sad

BimbaBirba Mon 11-Feb-13 21:23:42

What a terrible position to be in! Apart from everything else, have you considered the practicalities of having an abortion? Even at such early stage, you would need someone to look after your children while you're in hospital and someone to drive you home afterwards. They send you home the same day but they don't let you drive. Of course you could take a taxi home but what are you going to say when you get home? You're going to be devastated physically and emotionally. You'll be weak and bleeding heavily. How could you hide it? And WHY hide it anyway? Why take this huge weight all on your shoulders?

Morloth Mon 11-Feb-13 21:24:58

It really is very sad that you are in this position all alone when you two should be working together.

Having said that, it is totally your choice so you wouldn't be consulting him on whether or not you should continue the pregnancy, just letting him know what is going on.

Can you keep this secret? Will it eat away at you. Would it not be 'cleaner' to tell him you will be getting a termination and deal with the fallout whatever that may be?

Harder in the short term certainly, but possibly easier in the long term.

You both need to get your act together with contraception.

discrete Mon 11-Feb-13 21:28:50

Your body, your choice.

But you deserve some support going through it. You say 'I know he should have a say, but what is the point if I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER, EVER?', but that is not the point. He should not have a say, it is not his body. But he should support you through it, and accompany you while your hormones are all over the place.

'Every time we talk about 'ha ha,2 is enough isn't it!' it will be tainted by this memory. He may see me as a hard bitch. It may break us in the long term?'

The alternative is that every time you talk about it this goes on in your head only, along with the stress of keeping your secret. Will it break you in the long term?

Marriages are made and lost on shared experiences. By trying to spare your marriage, you may end up driving a wedge between you that he doesn't even know about, and making it harder to develop a truly solid relationship. TBH, I feel that if your marriage cannot survive supporting you through this, it's probably not solid enough to make it in the long term anyway.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 11-Feb-13 21:30:44

Was it you or him that really didn't want another, OP? Is it that you can't tell him because you definitely don't want one and you think he might? Marriages with secrets are hard to keep intact. I believe a termination would impact on you and he would have no way of understanding why, and you may even resent him for it. Partners should deal with things together.

member Mon 11-Feb-13 21:33:58

I'm interested in how you think you'll deal with him when he wants "foreplay" with no condom afterwards? Things will be exactly the same for him if he doesn't know yet different for you.

You don't know that he won't be of the same opinion as you if you tell him anyway.

elliejjtiny Mon 11-Feb-13 21:41:25

I think you should tell him. Not wanting to put you off but even an early abortion is physically very painful and sends your hormones into overdrive. I think you would find it impossible to hide.

mynewpassion Mon 11-Feb-13 21:45:59

I am sorry but I don't condone ending pregnancy without her DH knowing. That's no way to conduct a marriage.

Yes, its her body and I support women having the right to choose. However, if you can't even speak to your spouse about ending a future child's life, then you should get out of the marriage. Trust is broken. Regardless, this marriage will likely end if he finds out that she did it without his knowledge.

StuntGirl Mon 11-Feb-13 21:55:20

Another one who thinks you would struggle to keep this secret to the grave and that the resentment would eat away at you.

Aside from anything else you BOTH made the foolish decision that led you here, you should both have to deal with the consequences. If anything it will show him why 'just putting it in cause it feels nice' is a pretty shit thing. Why should you be the only one to bear the brunt of this?

Greythorne Mon 11-Feb-13 21:59:30

It's up to you.

You can choose.

janey68 Mon 11-Feb-13 22:01:04

I wouldn't be able to keep such an enormous thing secret from my dh because I think secrecy over something so important can be really destructive. I feel sorry for you, it must be a really hard place to be. None of us can advise you though- you have to decide.

5madthings Mon 11-Feb-13 22:01:28

Even in a marriage people have the right to privacy particularly about health issues, which this is.

I think the op should tell her dh so he can support her, but ig he isn't going to do that and indeed if he will do the opposite then she has every right not to tell him.

The issue is if she can live with that, secrets can eat away at you sad

But it us entirely the op's choice and her dh does not have a right to know.

janey68 Mon 11-Feb-13 22:09:59

Can I also add that if you do decide to go ahead and terminate, you'll need to think of how you'll find a way to not play fast and loose with your fertility in future, without letting on to your dh what you did. As you say, this way would provide no chance for a 'lesson to be learned'. You don't want to be finding yourself in this situation again and again

Samu2 Mon 11-Feb-13 22:20:00

Well, your body your choice but I wonder how on earth this won't cause huge issues in your marriage at some point. I would also be very concerned for the state of my marriage if I didn't want to turn to him in a situation like this.

He is just as responsible for this and it doesn't seem fair that you now have to deal with the consequences while he goes happily about his life.

I think it would be a very bad idea and I am really sorry you feel you have to even consider not sharing this with someone you are meant to turn to.

florencebabyjo Mon 11-Feb-13 22:27:56

Just go and do it and then forget it. Because you are so sure it is the wrong thing for you you will be able to compartmentalise it and pack it away. A lesson learnt, but I think it sounds like the best thing for all of you. Move on and make what you have work for you. Maybe reconsider condoms though. The mirena coil works for 5 years and is very effective, the doctor can fit it once you have sorted this. Will solve the foreplay problem too.

RevoltingPeasant Mon 11-Feb-13 22:36:50

OP if you want to have a termination and keep it secret, you can. I know. All this 'they will not let you drive' etc - they won't know. No one follows you out of the clinic. You make the appointment, you take the pills, you get yourself home somehow, taxi or whatever, and you say you have your period/ D&V/ 24 hour bug and need time alone in the loo.

Also, all this 'you might need counselling for 10 years' afterwards. You might. You might not. Some people just never look back. If you really don't want a 3rd, you'll likely be one of those.

The point is not can you have an abortion, will you be okay. You will.

The point is, why are you in a relationship where you can't tell your DH this? That is your real problem. That is what you cannot keep sticking your head in the sand over.

RevoltingPeasant Mon 11-Feb-13 22:39:29

Put it this way - DH and I are not quite ready to have DC yet. We are in a bad place and he might get made redundant soon. Recently after we messed around once I started having what I now think are stress-related symptoms - feeling sick a lot, basically - which I initially worried might be pg symptoms.

DH was the first person I told. He would not have been/ was not happy. But he was the first person I told because he is the person closest to me in the whole world.

I hope this doesn't sound harsh, but really, why isn't your DH that person for you? sad

LeoandBoosmum Mon 11-Feb-13 22:42:28

If I were your husband I would at least want to be told/ consulted/ have my feelings taken into consideration. Others here may say, 'it's your body' etc but it takes two to make a baby and I personally think it's wrong to make such an important decision alone. It is up to you what you do but I think you may be overwhelmed at the moment. Think very seriously about it, involve your husband...you may feel you do actually want to proceed - and make this your last child - if he is supportive. I honestly think many mums feel differently once the child is here... Let us know how it goes.

5madthings Mon 11-Feb-13 22:51:33

You may want to know but you have no right to know and biology dictates that the woman gets to choose.

But what revolting said. If this was me I would tell my dp knowing he would give me his unconditional support in whatever I wanted to do.

Greythorne Mon 11-Feb-13 22:54:15

Abortion does not always have to lead to counselling 10 years down the line and feelings of guilt and terrible moments of self doubt.

Some people have an abortion, have a huge and profound sense of relief and never look back.

Greythorne Mon 11-Feb-13 22:54:49

All the "taking a secret to the grave" stuff is massively dramatic.

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