to be horrified that my husband has secretly been looking at porn?

(40 Posts)
chainedtothedesk Mon 11-Feb-13 12:34:50

As title really. Have just discovered on the popular sites visited is a porn site. I thought it must have been a mistake but when I looked at our history log the same porn site comes up a few times over the last 3 weeks (can't go back any further than that).

There are two things that shock me - firstl thaty he is looking at porn online. I had no idea!! I know a lot of men probably do do this but I didn't know HE did. I am shocked and - yes horrified.

Secondly, he has done several times and not even mentioned it. I feel so sad that we have secrets. I thought I knew everything about him. Had I known I would probably have said I didn't like it (which is why he hasn't told me presumably) but I wouldn't have made him stop just because I didn't like it.

I am upset and shocked. I am also angry that he is clearly sneaking around and looking at porn when i'm not around. Am I being unreasonable?

ErikNorseman Mon 11-Feb-13 15:24:56

YANBU to be angry that he let it show up on his google chrome home page. Had similar recently when totally clueless XH accidentally saved a porn site to his favourites on his (not mine) laptop. So the link was along the top next to the cbeebies link that I had saved for DS! I bollocked him for being stupid and careless which was fair enough. However if you are most upset that he didn't tell you about it - YABU. He's entitled to some privacy in his wanking preferences!

Nagoo Mon 11-Feb-13 13:57:07

OP, you can go into chrome settings and change it so the internet history is not saved, and also you can change it on to strict search settings. It's not worth the risk that a DC could see it, so I'd do it myself rather than let DH do it.

BumBiscuits Mon 11-Feb-13 13:56:30

Someone had been looking at porn on my laptop according to the history. It had recently been used by me, DH and my teenage brother who had been babysitting. I wondered about it for 2 minutes and then set the thing to delete internet history automatically when internet explorer is shut down.

Works for me.

Theicingontop Mon 11-Feb-13 13:54:10

No, I agree with you about the history thing. If your DC are using the laptop. Can't imagine having to explain to a young child what they witnessed, and why. Nightmare.

Show him private mode fgs!!

chainedtothedesk Mon 11-Feb-13 13:54:08

Nagoo. That's exactly how I found it - under new tab, not in the list under history. Which is why I think it would be really, really easy for 5yo to find it.

Thank you for all your replies. I have been upset by this and from reading your replies I do accept that I shouldn't really be shocked. He is a grown man after all. But I am pleased to see that some of you would also be horrified and I am not the only one.

photographerlady Mon 11-Feb-13 13:50:07

aye tbh he is going to look at porn, if he doesnt surf at home on the web he will have mags in his car, or on his phone.

Nagoo Mon 11-Feb-13 13:47:24

Trouble with google chrome is he might look at it on a different computer even, but it will come up on 'most visited'. You don't have to be snooping, you just click 'new tab' and it comes up.

In this situation I really wouldn't be shocked or upset about 'ordinary' porn but I'd be fucking livid that a 5YO might have stumbled on it. Tell him to sort his settings, PRONTO!

A lot of women are upset by porn. I can see why.But IMHO it's unrealistic not to think that a man would look at it. I'd just assume that they would. I don't text DH to inform him every time I'm thinking about having a wank he'd like it if I did and I wouldn't think that he would need to tell me when he was.

StuntGirl Mon 11-Feb-13 13:40:59

Personally I do not like porn or the porn industry so I would not be happy about it, and my partner knows it. Luckily for both of us we're on the same wavelength on this topic, so it isn't an issue for us.

If you're genuinely not bothered, besides the feeling lied to aspect, then tell him that.

chainedtothedesk Mon 11-Feb-13 13:38:59

He isn't deleting his history but he should be, not for my sake but so our kids don't accidently stumble across it.

And yes, I do think he should have mentioned it. I don't know when but at some point. If we start to say that there isn't a good time to discuss topics that might be difficult surely all we'd talk about would be safe topics like the weather or whats for tea!?

LeaveTheBastid Mon 11-Feb-13 13:36:19

He hasn't done it in secret confused in secret would be deleting his history, the fact that he has done it on a shared computer more than once and not deleted history means it is most definitely not done secretly.

I know DH looks at porn sometimes, does he tell me? No. Do I want him to? No. It's his business. I bloody hate the idea that couples can no longer hold anything private without it becoming a huge relationship threatening betrayal.

If he told you, you'd be upset. He hasn't told you, you're upset. What is the man to do? Do you want him to tell you each time he has a look? Would that really make you feel better?

MrsMushroom Mon 11-Feb-13 13:35:28

chained it was a genuine question...because you're not saying WHY you're angry, it's hard to advise. Not getting at you!

AngryFeet Mon 11-Feb-13 13:33:34

Why all the people shocked he isn't deleting internet history? Maybe he isn't ashamed of it?

ByTheWay1 Mon 11-Feb-13 13:33:10

It did not used to bother me one jot that my DH looked - but then we had kids ... now they are old enough to be on the laptop so I remind him to clear out his web history from time to time.

We also had a bit of a talk... asked him how he would feel in 5 years time if he was looking at a site and it was his daughters.... after all they are all somebody's ........... made him blanch a bit - but I know he still looks sometimes... hey ho.... not the end of the world.

AngryFeet Mon 11-Feb-13 13:32:49

I look at porn sometimes by myself. I would never lie if DH asked but I don't say "By the way dear I watched a bit of girl on girl action today" or whatever. I love DH, we have a good relationship, we have sex several times a week (without using porn). I don't see it as a big deal unless:-

a) You are fundamentally opposed to porn itself
b) He covers it up and lies (you can only tell if you ask - although to be fair lying out of embarrassment is a possibility)
c) He uses porn instead of having a sexual relationship with you (I would only ever watch porn if DH was away).

I don't actually think DH uses it but I wouldn't be bothered if he did and told me.

DadOnIce Mon 11-Feb-13 13:30:10

That's really shocking.

I can't believe that a grown man in the 21st century has no idea how to delete his Internet history and clear his cache and Cookies.

chainedtothedesk Mon 11-Feb-13 13:30:07

Mrs Mushroom - jealous? Why would I be jealous? What is there to be jealous of? that my husband might not find me as attractive as the girls in the pictures? No. I don't think that has come into it. Like I said, he has looked at porn in the past and I didn't mind. It is that he has done this in secret and not told me.

scared - accepting that OH looks at porn is one thing, suggesting we watch a movie together...That is a huge jump isn't it?? I have no interest in watching a porn film. Surely I am not alone in this??

OrangeLily Mon 11-Feb-13 13:28:04

I suppose it's the motivation behind your anger that's important.

My DH looks at porn, so do I and sometimes we use different types of porn together. I don't tell him every time I masturbate and don't expect him to tell me either.

However, if you have an ethical viewpoint on porn, that you have in the past discussed with DH then that's different.

Tell him how you feel, and then let him explain why he feels the need to.

I don't mind my DH looking at porn providing neither I or the children are around at the time. We had a very frank conversation about it when we got together and I said that as long as it didn't affect our sex life, I had no problem with it. About 12 months ago I had to tell him I was unhappy because every time he had a wank, I would not get a second glance. I told him I was annoyed that I'd become second place to porn.

It was good to talk, and he's cut back how often he does it and I'm happy again.

I know it can be an awkward topic but please, please do talk to him. Give it some thought first as to what you want to say.

usualsuspect Mon 11-Feb-13 13:27:32

My DP never looks at porn, so theres one man alive who doesn't.

ArielThePiraticalMermaid Mon 11-Feb-13 13:25:51

This will descend into the tried and tested debate about porn - those who insist that every woman's partner does it, and to just accept it and it's part of what was it? oh yes "a healthy sex drive", who think that men who say they don't look at porn online are liars and their partners naive, and those who trust that their partners don't and wouldn't like it if they were the sort of man who did.

YANBU.

Weissbier Mon 11-Feb-13 13:25:00

I don't think there's a man alive who doesn't look at some form of porn OP. If he keeps it private, isn't into really scary stuff and deletes his Internet history I wouldn't give it another thought if I were you.

PleasePudding Mon 11-Feb-13 13:24:46

Sometimes I look at porn and I don't tell my DH. It doesn't mean I don't love and fancy him totally and I wouldn't deny it if he asked me. I just don't see it as something he needs to know. blush

I am sure my DH looks at porn too and I'm also fairly sure he has a wank from time to time.

I can see it might be a shock but it really isn't a reflection of his love for you if that's of any comfort?

Fakebook Mon 11-Feb-13 13:24:10

How does somebody tell their partner they've just been looking at porn? Is it supposed to be discussed over the dinner table? Whilst making breakfast? During sex?

MrsMushroom Mon 11-Feb-13 13:23:26

What is it about porn that you don't like? Is it because of how it is terrible for women in general? And demeans them? Or is it because you are jealous?

scaredbutexcited Mon 11-Feb-13 13:22:48

It's not something that would bother me hugely, as long as nothing disturbing (as others have said).

I think pretty much everyone fantasies and I guess this is just an extension of that?

The fact that it was not hidden suggests he is not trying to hide it from you and I think that's good.

If everything else is good in your relationship I would be ok with it. Perhaps suggest watching a movie together?

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