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AIBU?

About an inlaw visit and new baby?

21 replies

firstpost · 11/02/2013 12:28

Will try and be brief :) Second baby due in July. A miracle BFP as first baby was born after 7 yrs of infertility and 3 rounds of IVF. Husband will be away from mid April to November with 2 weeks holiday to be timed around birth of baby.

Me and MIL dont get on, and newborns seem to be a bit of a flashpoint. She finds breastfeeding disgusting and FIL wont be in the room if I do it so when DS was born I spent much of the 5 days in a bedroom away from everyone. When I was holding DS she would constantly say I was spoiling him, making a rod for my own back etc. If they come DH will be expected to do airport runs 3 hrs each way, and will probably take DS out alot with them, leaving me and new born. :(

Is it selfish to say I want that tiny period of time to be just us as a family of 4? If I say no to a visit, they will not see new baby until December at the earliest as I doubt they would visit with DH away. They live about an hrs flight away.

To balance, they are great grandparents to DS, they will be missing their son (my DH) and I will be depriving them of that as well as a chance to see new baby. Also, my parents will have many opportunities to see baby and they wouldnt. I just cant decide if I am being unreasonable to say no! I will take on board any opinions offered before I broach this with DH.

OP posts:

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cacamilis · 11/02/2013 12:32

If they come they should come on your terms. If they don't like seeing you breast feeding then they leave the room. This is your dhs time with his family so he should not be taking them out and about if they want to go off drop them somewhere or let them get a taxi.
Can they not book accomodation elsewhere or come for a flying visit?

Andro · 11/02/2013 12:32

Reading your 2nd paragraph, I would say that you don't need the combination of hassle and isolation with a newborn - your DH is going to be away for an extended period, of course you want time as a family.

YANBU.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 11/02/2013 12:33

Not selfish.
The early days of establishing BF are just as important second time around.
Your recovery from birth is important. Your peace is important. Your need to introduce dc1 to dc2 is important. Your time as a new family of 4 is important.

They COULD visit when DH is away, to see their GC. If they choose not to, ok but it is not U to want peace with the arrival of a baby, not undermining and criticizing house guests.

CMOTDibbler · 11/02/2013 12:33

I think in those circs, you would be entitled to say that you want it to be just the 4 of you, esp as ds will have been missing his daddy and may be difficult with the double whammy of new baby.

Can you arrange to see them in December when dh has been back for a while etc, and sort out Skype so they can see/talk to dh and the children when he is with you?

cantspel · 11/02/2013 12:33

I would say yes but limit it to a short visit and you never know you might be grateful if they do take your ds out alot so that you can use the time to catch up on sleep.

YellowDinosaur · 11/02/2013 12:35

If your dh is away for 6 months I don't think you are being at all unreasonable to say that no one else can visit during that time. That time is for you and your children to spend with dh. If it is important for your dh to see his parents that's another thing but if that is the case then I don't think they can expect to stay for more than a couple of nights.

If they don't come then I'd offer for them to come for a weekend to meet the baby - if they choose not to come when dh isn't there that's their look out. As far as the breast feeding goes I'd be saying 'it's my house, if you don't like it you can feel free to go'. I certainly wouldn't be hiding upstairs!

Beamae · 11/02/2013 12:37

It sounds like if they do come, it will be on their terms. I was the same as you first time round. This time, the in laws are banned from discussing anything to do with feeding the baby as it is none of their business. When the baby arrives, if I want to breastfeed, I will stay in the lounge in my comfy chair watching telly and they will be asked to leave until I am done. And if they invade before I am ready they may not get a chance to hold the baby.

Also, I am going to try to breastfeed this baby until it's about 5 because that will probably make their heads explode.

I think you should set some ground rules and get your partner on side.

grants1000 · 11/02/2013 12:37

When do they want to come? Within days of the birth? Then say no. Explain with a new baby and toddler you want some time as a family to get to grips with it all and they could come after 6-8 weeks or so. I've never got the obsession people have of seeing a baby the moment it comes out, with my first my MIL and FIL were outside the delivery room, I could hear their voices and I had not even got cleaned up or had chance to catch my breath, I told my fabulous male midwife he needed to get rid of them ASAP and for the rest of the day, he did it without question and said overbearing realatives were the bain of his life!

As your DH is away, how about they visit after 6-8 weeks, don't stay with you and you have your parents there as a buffer when they are in the house, then they get to see their new grandchild, sooner rather than later and you will feel like you've had some space. It's not a competition who sees the baby first and for how long, what's important is you, you've done all the hard work and will continue to do so. Also when he goes away again after 2 weeks that will be another period of adjustment for you, so be polite yet firm and explain why.

pictish · 11/02/2013 12:40

Yanbu..if they will be disgusted and critical of your conduct then they have no place there.
It's no good.
I'd say no and explain you will be breastfeeding on demand and concentrating on bonding while doing so. Tell them that their views on your methods have been made clear, and while you respect their right to hold them, you won't find it a pleasurable experience in an atmosphere of disapproval or disgust. Tell them you have chosen to postpone a visit until later.

They have brought this upon themselves. There's no need to be rude...you can be calm and polite...warm even. But be honest.

Shelby2010 · 11/02/2013 12:41

Tricky. Ideally it would just be your DH & DC, but I can see why you might feel you should let PIL visit for part of the time. How about trying to minimise the impact?

An hours flight isn't very far, so they only visit 4 days max.
They stay at a nearby hotel or B&B so you don't have to cope with visitors as well as a newborn, also this will give you time on your own with DH in the evening.
If you are comfortable, don't be driven out off your sofa, FIL can sit in the kitchen (or the shed) if he doesnt like you bf.
Any comments about parenting a newborn can easily be shrugged off with a breezy 'well this is what we did with DS, & he's turned out ok'.

And to be fair, you might actually appreciate them taking DS out & giving you a bit of time alone with the baby. DS will probably enjoy the attention too as it sounds like you will be coping pretty much on your own whilst DH is away.

elliejjtiny · 11/02/2013 13:02

YANBU. I have done the newborn thing 3 times and the only people you should be welcoming into your home at this time are those who are there to support and help you. Visitors who come for a short time should be telling you how gorgeous the baby is and how great you are doing. Visitors who stay longer should be helping out with the housework. My 4th is due in July and I am determined to be more assertive this time and ban all people who sigh impatiently when the baby needs feeding and they have to wait before they can hold him.

firstpost · 11/02/2013 13:05

Thanks for the wise words, really useful to have a sounding board for this one :)

I think I will go with a genuine offer for them to come and visit once DH has left. I doubt they will take me up on it, without DH there as a buffer I can imagine the most awkward of visits! Sadly I live in the sticks and don't drive so hotels etc would be tricky.

DS was a big one for cluster feeding so retreating to my room just felt easier than staying put and getting them up and down like a jack in a box :) Perhaps this time I will just get my boobs out, feed whenever I want and let them do whatever they feel most comfortable with.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/02/2013 13:06

Have you discussed this with your DH? Is he aware of how uncomfortable his parents made it for you last time round?

TBH, I would just say that no-one can come and stay for the first month of two. My parents didn't meet DS until he was 8 weeks old, so I'm maybe a bit biased that way. Although to be fair, this was due to my mother's health rather than anything else; but if I'd thought my parents were going to be a PITA like your PIL, I'd have told them not to come for 6-8 weeks anyway (6 hour drive/train for them).

After that, if they are keen to see their new grandchild then they will take care of their own transport arrangements.

WhereYouLeftIt · 11/02/2013 13:07

OOps, x-post. (I am so slow at typing. Sigh.)

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 11/02/2013 13:12

You will get sadfaces as it's aibu.
Don't worry, you aren't BU.

Squeakygate · 11/02/2013 13:15

I would say a couple of days visit with one night stay, perhaps in the middle of dh's home time should be enough. A genuine, smiley offer to visit when baby is older and dh away would " be most lovely, dear pil".
However, if they banish you to the bedroom in your own house in order to feed your own child, I would not be feeling so good about.
good luck

okthen · 11/02/2013 13:30

It's difficult isn't it? I felt the same about mil- but didn't want a 'no visitors' rule, just a 'no mil' rule! Which wasn't really workable without causing a huge upset, for obvious reasons.

Perhaps say that you'd like to see them after a week or so has passed, to establish breastfeeding. And set a time limit eg two nights.s

fluffyraggies · 11/02/2013 14:32

YA absolutely NBU.

I had to re read your OP to understand the timings. Your DH is away for 6 months with only 2 weeks at home in the middle of it for the birth and the ILs will want to be there too?

NO! Blimey.

Let them come when your DH is back. (a couple of weeks after he's back mind you. so he and baby get a bit of bonding time with you)

exoticfruits · 11/02/2013 14:37

I would do it on your timings and no way would I go off to a bedroom to feed! That is their problem- they need to go out if they don't like it.

Lovestosing · 11/02/2013 14:53

YANBU! If they do want to come they should stay elsewhere but I really don't think they should come when your husband's at home, that's your precious time as a family. I am not an assertive person at all but once I'd had DC2 I didn't put up with any negative comments. "As this is not my first baby I think I know what I'm doing, it worked the first time round thank you." My PILs were very uncomfortable about bf and with DC1 I always left the room to do it. I decided before the birth of DC2 that I was not going to do that, I didn't want DC1 thinking BF was something shameful so I stayed put and if visitors didn't like it it was up to them to Leave the room.

ThatsMyChocolate · 11/02/2013 15:33

YANBU. DH & I had a ban on all visitors for the first 2 weeks - MIL got in a hump and refused to come until DD was 6 weeks old - whereupon she sat in my house for 12 hours a day for 5 days, didn't lift a finger to help, and held the baby all the time only very reluctantly handing her back to be fed (but only after saying to her, 'no, you can't be hungry, you don't want Mummy, do you?' when DD was crying. So we were right to have the ban. Your baby, your house, what you say goes - you'll never get those special first days back as you know!

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