AIBU To say no to this request to bring a stranger to my DN's party tomorrow?

(125 Posts)
WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 00:04:52

It is DN's birthday tomorrow, I have organised her party.
It's going to be quite big, 25 kids have RSVPed, plus there will be family.

SIL (my other brothers wife, not DN's parents) has just texted me with "Its ok if I bring my friend from work tomorrow isn't it. She is really good with kids and she is staying with us this weekend so I said she could come to the party"

I have never met or heard of this person before, but I feel as if it would be UR to say no.
The thing is I was with SIL last night and she never mentioned this friend visiting.

So WIBU to say actually SIL no it isn't ok to bring some random stranger to our neices birthday party.

HellesBelles396 Sat 09-Feb-13 10:24:04

apocalypsethen

"she only married in"

wow! some of the best relatives I have "married in" and we keep in touch with all but one of my uncle's ex-wives still calling them aunty.

is there really a hierarchy of family members that puts in-laws at the bottom of the pile?!

they're people lovely enough that a member of your family chose to spend the rest of your life with them! why wouldn't they be worth caring about?

HellesBelles396 Sat 09-Feb-13 10:25:54

sorry apocalypsethen I just reread your post and spotted the heavy layers of sarcasm. my only defense was that I have just woken up from a rare lie-on and my humour-filter wasn't on yet!

Pagwatch Sat 09-Feb-13 10:29:25

Hahahahaha at Hellesbelles oops.

Yes I read the first bit with my jaw on the floor until I got to 'classless ingrate'

grin

StoicButStressed Sat 09-Feb-13 12:07:43

Pagwatch MEGA grin at your (in all seriousness quite accurate point vis most of us probably having a few issues ongoing simultaneously) GENIUS e.g. of it - 'Peter Andre's orange tint' - PMSLgrin.

To be honest (and I am a rude and apparently also a inhumane bitch) I would just say:

"Sorry, not keen on you having strangers tagging along to the party, If you rather spend time with this friend, Iam sure DN would not mind too much ..."

Your Sils behaviour is thoughtless and frankly bizarre!

TheFallenNinja Sat 09-Feb-13 12:25:15

Unless you believe that she is bringing a murderer then I wouldn't see why not.

Unless, of course, your keen to vet the type of person at this exclusive, staffed event.

Many hands make light work and saying no to a reasonable request (and she did ask) will frankly make you seem petty. If I was told no I'd have to be given an absolutely watertight, compelling reason not to just turn up anyway.

StoicButStressed Sat 09-Feb-13 13:35:40

Oi - anyone who has done so, can you please lay off OP?
<AIBU intervention at what look like personal digs and - kinda unness? - 'judgyness'? And seen on other AIBU Q's too, hence actually now standing up to it, as just feels so wrongsad>

In spite of some utter gems here (see Pagwatch utter diamond of a gem abovegrin) & some other laugh out loud moments (like the joy that is Startail suddenly realising on 3rd post that this was how she met DHsmile), is now some stuff on here that is really quite horrible to/about Eternal IMVHOsad, and genuinely think it (in more general sense) is damaging to the help of AIBU, and MN in general? (And nope, don't know Eternal, but some stuff written seems so personally horrible & uncalled for?)

1 - Given she posted on AIBU, by definition seems kinda clear she was wanting to double check her own instinctive reaction and ask for views? AND has written that since majority of posts were YABU, she's sort of going to park her own first (& valid, as all of anyone's views/gut reactions are) reaction. So asked a question, was open to answers diff to her POV, took majority view on board. All kinda commendable nope?

2 - But in process (de facto upthread from this), she has also been personally slated? WHY? I don't get it/need for it, and it just seems really mean? EG: 'You sound like a right misery tbh.

3 - Worse (IMHO anyway), her helping her DN overall (I.E. NOT vis the specific Q she genuinely seemed to want AIBU views on) and broader family circs have been dissed to point where she was told she was 'enabling' her DB and DN's SM by helping DN (vis where lived/continuity of schooling/providing her with stability)...And that the way DN lived now would be damaging to her? Eh?? WTF??? And this was actually AFTER she had already written that the way they were operating now wasn't the first course of action but only AFTER it became obvious that DN was suffering in variety of ways - I.E. the opposite of 'enabling' (which is what it may have been if she had leapt into it as first course of action). But it wasn't. It was what she - obv with DB's approval and presumably as what DN herself then wanted - did as a seemingly caring Aunt worried for, and wanting to help, DN?

How is that bad? And who are we - by definition as ALWAYS on pretty much every Q-specific thread - to presume we 'know' rest of circs that may be at play? Think people sometimes a bit too quick to judge a situation they can't really know EVERYTHING about, and/or maybe shoot from hip in the moment? [I have def done the latter - albeit not on AIBU - but then apologised when realised I was OOO, so am not making out I am Saint MN heregrin, rather just want really flag what MNHQ say re this isn't a personal bunfight here?]. Ditto that when DO write seemingly unness personal character 'points', we can have NO idea what else that individual may already be dealing with and maybe no idea how much a casually written & pretty unness insult may impact someone?

All I DO know from what Eternal has written is this simple... She asked a genuine Q on AIBU canvassing views (that has taken on board?); that she seems to be providing her DN with stability that she didn't have previously? That that is an act of love & care (& probably bloody hard work too given all it takes to take care of a child day to day)?

So, really genuinely, please don't anyone call her (or anyone who posts on AIBU) names or label her, and/or (pretty harshly) criticise her (or ANYONE who is just asking one pretty specific Q?) for broader circs. when: i) sounds like she is a great Aunt to her DN?; ii) all she did was ask one simple & very specific Q, yet then got a bit laid into for her/DN's personal circs? iii) NONE of us can EVER know all of anyone else's landscape or anything else they may be dealing with, so it really does feel just a bit nasty... and it's the kind of 'nasty' that might well stop someone else who wants/needs advice asking in AIBU as - pretty reasonably - don't want to get flamed/attacked/be on butt end of personal insults in any way, and if THAT (I.E. peeps shying away where maybe want help/input/views) happens, then the huge value of MN/AIBU is lostsad.

Eternal - I hope DN's party goes well and I think she is a lucky bunny to have you.

MardyArsedMidlander Sat 09-Feb-13 13:46:38

tl:dr

StoicButStressed Sat 09-Feb-13 14:26:15

Had to google that to decipher it Mardy - Urban dictionary:

Literally, "Too long; didn't read" Said whenever a nerd makes a post that is too long to bother reading.

Not a nerd; shame you can't be bothered to read but that's obv your call; no reason diss me for it though? Kinda proves the point I was makingsad.

crashdoll Sat 09-Feb-13 14:48:29

YABU and sound really mean. sad

WeAreEternal Sat 09-Feb-13 16:52:51

Stocic Thank you for that. smile

I spoke to SIL before the party, I explained how I thought it was strange for the friend to want to come, but if she wanted she was welcome to being her friend.

So the friend came. And fifteen minutes after arriving she went to get a coffee from the cafe and never came back.

The party was fab, DN and all of the children had a wonderful time.

HellesBelles396 Sat 09-Feb-13 23:20:30

lol re sil-pal ditching the party she was so eager to attend. glad all had fun.

FWIW - I find aibu very bitchy (sorry to use a gender-specific word but no other term would sum it up) and not an area of the site I would start a thread on because of the responses I've seen.

AgentZigzag Sat 09-Feb-13 23:24:02

Hahaha at her just fucking off after 15 mins grin

Glad they all had a great time though, agree with Stoic that she's lucky to have you as her aunty.

HollyBerryBush Sun 10-Feb-13 06:14:49

all that brouhahah for 15 minutess?

meh! I was hoping she was gonna do something totally inappropriate like start swigging gin and shaking her booty!

cricketballs Sun 10-Feb-13 08:13:51

My thoughts on reading through, including the update is that SIL was concerned about the number of adult family members there and she wanted a 'back up'; once she felt comfortable then she allowed her friend to disappear.

Op; is there a back story? Has she not been made to feel welcome into the family? Have you made your feelings e.g. your post stating about her spending habits clear to her?

BigAudioDynamite Sun 10-Feb-13 08:44:53

Im worried about the effect of having such a shit step mum, will have. Why does dbro think this us acceptable?

StoicButStressed Sun 10-Feb-13 09:12:57

MardyArsed I am keeping some very odd/long hours at the mo so kinda beyond exhausted tired & hadn't seen your upthread post prior to your 'tl:dr' directly to me; only just seen it now as wanted check how Eternal DN's party went. You wrote:

Since when did BEING FRIENDLY and HOSPITABLE become equated with being 'weird'? This thread is so bloody depressing. Gd forbid your children grow up to be the 'stranger' who nobody wants invited.'

Am presuming you mean 'being friendly' in an observational sense as opposed to your personal MO? Since it really is kinda hard to reconcile those as your own personal qualities given your comment to me. I am firmly (but sadly) with HellesBelles as - to put it bluntly - if you don't have anything nice &/or constructive to say to OP or anyone else (i.e. me in above), then why bother writing anything? Reminds me of adage that 'if don't have anything nice (or in AIBU terms, constructive/helpful) to say, then say nothing'. And God forbid your children grow up thinking it's fine to be rude/nasty/dissing etc. Agree with you 100% though re it's 'bloody depressing'.

And Eternal, you're welcome and glad all went well.

WeAreEternal Sun 10-Feb-13 09:31:28

I think you have got my posts mixed up cricketballs

SIL1 (DN's other aunty) bumped into a work colleague on Friday night, the colleague suggested lunch the next day but SIL said "I cant do lunch I have DN's birthday party, but you can come with me" she then text me assuming it would be okay. I was a bit put out as I didn't understand why she would want to invite a stranger to DN's party, but I wasn't sure if it was UR to say no so I posted in AIBU.
It he MN jury decided that I was BU to say no as the woman wasn't likely to be an axe murderer so I texted SIL and said it was ok to bring the friend.

SIL brought the friend to the party and she sat in a corner while we all helped, she obviously realised that she was just going to be sitting bored for the whole afternoon, but instead of making excuses she said she was going to the cafe to get a coffee and just left. But SIL didn't seem too bothered as I don't think she even noticed as she was playing air hocky with my sister for most of the party.

SIL2 is DN's fathers wife, she is the one who doesn't want to parent DN and spends his money like it is going out of fashion. (which is why he need to well paying job that keeps him in the city 2-3 days a week)

"the update is that SIL was concerned about the number of adult family members there and she wanted a 'back up'; once she felt comfortable then she allowed her friend to disappear."

I never said this, and this is completely wrong.

We all get alone with both SIL's perfectly well, especially SIL1, I consider her a sister and we are friends.
SIL2 has a lot of personal demons that attribute to the way she behaves. I don't like or agee with some of the things she does, but she isn't a bad person, and otherwise we get alone with her fine.

BigAudioDynamite Sun 10-Feb-13 10:12:43

She may nor be a 'bad person' bur she will destroy your nieces self esteem. especially if your brother has more children with her...are they planning on having kids?

I don't understand why your bro would marry a woman who doesn't interact with his dd confused

cricketballs Sun 10-Feb-13 10:34:55

Apologies op - it does look like I got the SILs mixed up, but why would you automatically think that the back up is wrong? Just because you never said it, doesn't mean its not true

StoicButStressed Sun 10-Feb-13 10:58:21

'why would you automatically think that the back up is wrong? Just because you never said it, doesn't mean its not true' hmm???

StoicButStressed Sun 10-Feb-13 11:03:40

Cricket - apart from my bafflement at above, separately I gotta say you are the first person seen on AIBU who has said 'apologies' post (no pun intended...) getting confused/saying something that was mistaken etc. I do just find it really beyond fucking depressing sad that you ARE the only person I've ever seen do itsad.

cricketballs Sun 10-Feb-13 11:25:46

Thank I think stoic, but why the bafflement at my suggestion that the friend was a back up just because the op never said it?

Whenever I have taken a back up (in my younger years when meeting someone for a first date grin) I never told the person I was meeting that friend was a backup

Doshusallie Sun 10-Feb-13 11:31:31

I think it's rude that she didn't mention it before but I would be fine with that person coming. You won,t even notice her with that lot!

WeAreEternal Sun 10-Feb-13 18:10:55

BigAudioDynamite
They are not having children, she is planing on being sterilised soon.
He married her against the advice of most because he loved her.
She is not a bad person, she just has some personal issues.
She did attempt to parent DN but she couldn't cope and ended up having a breakdown.
Since the breakdown she has been receiving counciling for her issues and she has been visibly improving.
We hope that one day she will be able to help rase DN, but at the moment things are the way that is best for DN.

cricketballs
I don't understand what I have said that makes you think SIL would need a 'back up' at DN's party.
A back up on a first date make sense. This was however a children's party.
We have at least one family event a month and SIL has never needed a 'back up' before.
We are a close family, I have though of SIL as a sister and a friend for 9 years. She is very involved in family events and when she realised the woman had left she was genuinely bemused.

Also surely of she was planing to bring a 'back up' she would have chosen a friend not a virtual stranger who she only knows from occasionally working with.

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