AIBU to never want kids??

(225 Posts)
Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 14:47:43

So I don't want to have children and I am incessantly judged and patronised for it. It doesn't help that my reasons are unusual.

The following are my reasons for never wanting kids-

-I have severe tokophobia (pathological fear of childbirth). I cannot even contemplate the idea of a vaginal birth.
-I love my career and have high ambitions. Becoming a SAHM or a housewife would be a slow death for me. Also, I don’t like the idea of being economically dependent and answerable for how much I spend and why. It’s important for me to have my own money.
-I’ve seen children take couples further and further apart. I’ve always kind of perceived them as a threat to a strong relationship because of the challenges they bring.
-I have always had body confidence issues. Due to my PCOS, I have always battled with maintaining my weight and I already have things like stretch marks and acne scars. The thought of having a major acne breakout during pregnancy (I’ve heard that pregnancy can make acne worse) makes me literally want to cry. As does the idea of putting on weight which won’t come off.
-The idea of developing issues like melasma and severe morning sickness really terrifies me.
-I just HATE hospitals and invasive medical procedures. I’m an extremely private person and the idea of being poked, prodded and being so vulnerable is just awful to me.
-Due to my PCOS, there’s a chance that I might need hormone therapy and/or IVF and that too makes me sick to the stomach for the same reasons mentioned above.

Vaginal birth, weight gain, the changes in the body, and the possibility of having to give up job just make me hate the idea of ever having children.

In my culture, EVERY man wants kids. I know at the back of my head that I will have to have them whether I want them or not and this does tend to disturb me immensely.

So what do I do??? AIBU to not want to have kids??

DizzyZebra Fri 08-Feb-13 15:41:32

Dizzy- what sort of people would they be???

Not to tar everyone with the same brush, I'm only speaking from my own experience, But the sort of people who have nothing to do except live their life through their child.

People who turn everything into a competition, People who witter on about BF v FF, People who act like having a child = world must stop for you, people who think the world revolves around them and their DC. Etc etc.

I just can't be doing with it. I need to spend time with people who aren't so up their own arses.

And i can't bear the incessant moaning about their other halves, or seeing how they speak to them too tbh.

Obviously, not everyone is like this, but the majority of the people i met were and it drove me mad.

amillionyears Fri 08-Feb-13 15:44:51

op, I am trying to work out your main reason for posting this afternoon.

And, bearing in mind you have chosen to call yourself judged, and you feel you are constantly being judged and patronised for it, I think that is your main reason.

You have not said what culture you come from. I can only go by what you are saying. So yes, it does sound like that you are being judged and maybe patronised right now.

What to do about that. Again, I dont know the culture. I dont know what you can do about it.
Have you told a few people around you the real reasons? I assume that if you were to tell a few, they would tell the rest.
Mind you, again I dont kow, but I assume the questions would keep on coming?

sieglinde Fri 08-Feb-13 15:44:54

Op, of course YANBU. Though for the most part you are saying you can't bear the idea of pregnancy and childbirth rather than the idea of children.

As others have said, you def. shouldn't give up your career to be an SAHM unless YOU want to. And you can be a WOHM. I am.

TheFallenNinja Fri 08-Feb-13 15:49:26

Seems kids aren't for you then.

TheFallenNinja Fri 08-Feb-13 15:50:56

Oh and I'm sure not EVERY man in your culture wants kids either.

Maebe Fri 08-Feb-13 15:55:56

YANBU.

However I do agree with privatelypeaceful that some of your reasons are about a fear of something. Many of the things you list can be approached and possibly dealt with in various ways - c-section for birth, returning to work f/t afterwards etc.

I'm just thinking that if you've got this list of worries, looked at them, and thought that they add up to not having children, that's not quite the same thing as not wanting children and then finding reasons to justify that decision - if that makes sense?

But if you don't want children then that's fine, you don't have to justify yourself or your reasons to anyone. There is no law that says you have to have children, and I bet most people who don't have children themselves are fantastic aunts and uncles and godparents - they just get to hand the overtired and screaming kid back at the end of the day grin

sleepyhead Fri 08-Feb-13 15:58:27

Well, reading your later responses it sounds like you might want to have children but have reservations (listed in your op). That's a totally different thing.

Most of those reasons are not insurmountable:

- tokophobia is a legitimate and accepted reason not to have a vaginal birth for a start.

- Don't be a SAHM if you don't want to . It never crossed my mind. If your parter is the lower earner then it might make sense for him to stay at home with the children, or he might want to no matter what he earns. It's something that more and more men are doing. Or, childcare works for many thousands of families.

- I disagree that children are a threat to a strong relationship. They may well expose the cracks in a shaky one.

- My skin is always much better when I'm pregnant. I'm dreading the hormonal spots coming back after giving birth this time! If you eat sensibly during pregnancy then weight gain can be fairly minimal post-birth.

- Some people get dreadful morning sickness, that's true and something you can't predict. Pregnancy does mean things happening to your body that you can't control. There isn't any way round that, but equally you could said through it.

- PCOS can make it more difficult to conceive. Again, not a certainty. You don't have to have fertility treatment if you don't want it though. Dh & I struggled to conceive dc2 but we had decided that we wouldn't go down the IVF route. You don't have to try to get pregnant at any cost.

I also agree with what MaryZ says about it being less of an issue (if you don't want children) to meet men who feel the same as you the older you get. It's also less likely to be something that people comment on as you get into your late 30s/40s etc. (Of course it should never be something that people comment on - so rude)

GregBishopsBottomBitch Fri 08-Feb-13 16:05:32

YANBU, theres no law that says every woman should be a mother, if you dont want kids, then that choice, people should be so patronizing and smug about it, i know people who dont have and never want kids, my DD's school Headmistress doesnt have kids, i think that makes her a better teacher IMO.

zzzzz Fri 08-Feb-13 16:08:59

So how would you feel about adoption? Is it cut ally just pg/child birth that you hate the thought of or is it you hate the thought of kids in your life?

There is no need to have children if you don want to. hmm

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 16:11:25

I know this sounds totally crazy, but my complexion is my pride and joy- I am literally petrified of melasma sad Does everyone get those hormonal spots during pregnancy and after birth, or does it just happen to some people? Any way of preventing it?

You ladies might be right in saying that perhaps I might want children, but I am too focused on the negative....

Judged Fri 08-Feb-13 16:12:37

zzzzz- I would prefer adoption. I wouldn't have to be pregnant, give birth etc. But them again, I still wouldn't stay at home. I would want to be able to afford childcare so that I could continue working.

Maebe Fri 08-Feb-13 16:17:45

There is no way of knowing what might happen to your body during pregnancy, but I have to say that out of everyone I know who has been pregnant, most people have sailed through with no problems. I don't actually know anyone who has had melasma, I know one person who had SPD, and I'm the only person I know who has had hyperemesis. For the majority of women morning sickness won't even involve them throwing up, it will just be a month or two or nausea.

Sites like MN can give a twisted view of pg because women who are suffering from one of the problems I've listed above are more likely to post than those who don't. If all your pregnancy is causing you is to feel tired, unweildy and unable to be more than 30 ft from a toilet, you don't really come online to talk about it. If you are throwing up 20 times a day, or walking with crutches, you do come on and ask for support or advice. So don't take what you read on MN as examples of what happens in most pregnancies.

jennymac Fri 08-Feb-13 16:17:48

YANBU to not want kids - loads of people have very good reasons for not wanting children and anyway, the world is over populated as it is therefore having kids is a bit of a selfish thing to do anyway. I would say though that you sound a bit obsessed with your appearance and if you did decide to have kids, you would probably gain a bit more perspective about life in general and realise what really is important.

sleepyhead Fri 08-Feb-13 16:19:14

I had to google melasma - I've never had it and I don't know anyone who has confused.

If it's common then it's obviously not very noticeable to the casual observer!

Maryz Fri 08-Feb-13 16:21:16

I do wish people wouldn't mention adoption as if it was a "solution" for people who don't want children hmm.

There is no way the op would be approved for adoption as things stand. Obviously if she decided that she really, really wanted children, but couldn't physically cope with pregnancy, it might be worth looking into.

But adoption isn't "parenting lite" you know.

<jumps off hobby horse>

sleepyhead Fri 08-Feb-13 16:23:14

This says it can be prevented by using sunscreen

Sounds like it's more common in countries where there's actual sun to get exposed to hmm wink

StickEmUp Fri 08-Feb-13 16:24:14

I dont want to have children. I thought i might have, once, then for a few personal reasons decided against it.

As for the man thing, we never discussed kids in the early stages of our relationship.
We wanted eachother.
Now, actually being honest, a part to play is the fact yes, we are both challenged in that area.
After discussing pros and cons after a number pf years, we decided against it.

Again, 12 years on, we still want eachother.
If he wanted to find someone else more willing to see a doctor over it, i would have let him go.

Way its turned out, we are very happy together. Just us 2.

amillionyears Fri 08-Feb-13 16:26:48

Maryz, why wouldnt the op be considered for adoption as things stand?
Not saying she would or wouldnt, no idea, but why do you think she wouldnt be?

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 16:29:48

I don't think you are.

The only people who should have children are those who want them. I don't know why that is difficult to grasp.

Tell people to mind their own business.

If all you can think of are reasons not to have children, and problems and negatives - children aren't right for you - and you wouldn't be right for them.

There's nothing wrong with that at all.

There are plenty of people in the world. We don't have a shortage. grin We can cope with some of us not bringing more on board.

StuntGirl Fri 08-Feb-13 16:34:07

We can cope with some of us not bringing more on board.

This is how I feel if people clutch their pearls at my lack of maternal desires grin

You don't have to have them whether you want to or not. No one (especially someone who loves you) can ever force you to have a baby if you don't want one.

Can I ask, how old are you?

PearlyWhites Fri 08-Feb-13 16:36:44

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Fri 08-Feb-13 16:40:55

YANBU at all.

You do not need to justify your reasons. If people bug you about it tell them to mind their own buisness or just be very evasive and ignore them. I know people who lead happy and fulfilled lives without children. It is your life and you should do what you want. The only thing you need to do is be honest with any partner you may have.

HecateWhoopass Fri 08-Feb-13 16:41:08

I've never understood that. WHY it is expected that every woman should be burning with the desire to reproduce?

You don't see that attitude about men. At the most, it's a bit of a shame.

But there's not generally thought to be something wrong with them. hmm It's not shocking and unnatural if a man chooses to not have children, but you can see it in some people's faces if you're a woman who doesn't want kids. They Judge.

I am maternal. I'd have a dozen. grin I am one of nature's breeders grin

I think it's a natural population control thing in a species. Some are there to breed and the rest perform other functions.

I think it's far more of a problem when someone who really shouldn't have/doesn't want children feels they have no choice but to have them, than it ever is for someone who knows they don't want them and so doesn't have them.

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Fri 08-Feb-13 16:43:37

PearlyWhites. Wow, that was an uncalled for post.

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