Boyfriend never buys me anything or surprises me with anything

(69 Posts)
Moreece Wed 06-Feb-13 13:42:01

Been together just over 6 months and he's never bought me flowers or chocolate. Never. In fact, he's never really bought me anything. He's on a good wage and has few outgoings. I mean, I'm not expecting a car or designer clothes or anything but he literally never buys me ANYTHING.
Even when we've had an argument where he was 100% in the wrong he briefly said "I'll get you some flowers, I know I've been a dickhead" - the flowers never materialized.

I passed my exams - nothing.

I'm currently ill and he's not got me so much as a chocolate bar.

He kind of upset me the other day. He said he'd noticed that I never wear jewelry and asked if I had any. I said I have a few bits and pieces but just tend to wear them when I'm going out. So he said "really? has nobody ever bought you a ring?" - err no but thanks for that, way to make me feel like shit, I mean - I'm hardly going to receive one from you anytime soon am I, you can't even get me a bloody chocolate bar when I'm ill.

Do guys just not do this stuff anymore?

purrpurr Wed 06-Feb-13 13:59:14

My DH doesn't do surprises or gifts. He's not demonstrative in a lot of other ways specified in women's magazines and romcoms.

As soon as he wakes up in the morning, he hugs me. Then whilst we wait for the toaster to do it's thing, we have another cuddle. He's the most gorgeous loving creature.

If I want flowers and chocolate, I buy them myself. If I want a hot bath, I run one. I don't wait around for him to suddenly decide to do these things.

I don't buy him stuff, either. I run him a bath occasionally. Sometimes I do random things, like I iron a bunch of his shirts in one go (I never iron his shirts) or other stuff.

I don't think a long term successful relationship needs Stuff. It's lovely if it happens, but it's not essential. At the end of the day, flowers die, chocolate gets eaten, it's the relationship that matters.

SaladIsMyFriend Wed 06-Feb-13 13:59:52

I don't understand this - why is he supposed to be buying you stuff?

DH hasn't bought me anything except for birthdays/Xmas etc. He never gets me flowers/choc etc. And he is a wonderful DH and a fantastic father.

My ex bought me a Prada handbag once - I found out later he'd been cheating on me for 2 years.

Stuff means nothing.

Stuff means nothing

Very true!! I had a friend whose DH used to buy her the most expensive things, treat her to weekend away etc etc....probably to hide all the guilt of the shagging around he was doing.

My DH on the other hand - well, we have been together 22 years and he has never bought me flowers. He gives me kisses and cuddles every day, makes me lots of cups of tea, is a wonderful husband and dad....worth so much more than stuff don't you think?

StanleyLambchop Wed 06-Feb-13 14:04:47

Kirsty Fleece lined socks???? I'd bloody kill for those, my feet are so freezing at the moment!! Romance is great but warm feet are better!!

Mind you, is he thoughtless re gifts or just tight? I couldn't be with a tight arse!

ENormaSnob Wed 06-Feb-13 14:08:21

So what have you bought him during the 6 months you've been together?

purrpurr Wed 06-Feb-13 14:12:09

Betty has a good point there. If he's just a tight arse, that's a different story. Is he a bit mean, OP? If you're poorly, has he said 'is there anything I can get you'? My other half would ask me that.

KirstyoffEastenders Wed 06-Feb-13 14:28:04

Stanley they are lush, big chunky knitted ones with soft fleece inside, they look particularly good with a satin chemise.

Kirsty they sound lush!!!!

MrsHoarder Wed 06-Feb-13 14:46:46

[snorts] at Kirsty

NaturalBaby Wed 06-Feb-13 14:49:17

My Dh never bought me anything, we've never been into tokens of love/flowers and chocolates. I didn't need him to spend money on 'stuff' to prove anything, I knew how he felt about me from the beginning.

axure Wed 06-Feb-13 14:56:23

What happens when you go out, does he buy you drinks or pay for a meal/cinema etc?

Mintberry Wed 06-Feb-13 15:04:47

Dump him and get a sugar daddy, then.

What a materialistic culture we live in...

StuntGirl Wed 06-Feb-13 15:05:51

Do you buy him things?

It's very rare that I get 'special' chocolates or flowers or anything, although I do tend to get bars of choc when he goes to the shops. And I got a Lindt bunny the other day. However my partner is ace and does lots of other nice things for me, so I don't need some romcom style showering with jewellery and flowers and fancy dinners out.

Dahlen Wed 06-Feb-13 15:11:05

Context is important here I think. It's important to know if he's tight with money generally or if he makes it up with actions rather than gifts.

I suspect (unless you are particularly materialistic) that his lack of present giving is reinforcing fears you already have that he is taking you for granted. In which case, look at the behaviours that have caused those fears to surface in the first place and ask yourself what you see him/you doing about those.

While many people in established relationships don't buy gifts for each other, it's fairly unusual not to do so in the dating stage, so I don't think the OP is out of order for asking the question, though she may well be wrong about its significance.

zlist Wed 06-Feb-13 15:15:50

I don't really understand why you need that kind of stuff but I'm not really into gifts. Some people are, some people aren't I guess. I don't think you can read too much into it.
I presume you have brought him quite a bit over the last 6 months? How does he react when you give him gifts?
I would much rather I had a partner who was kind and thoughtful rather than a token gift buyer. Someone who would mend the puncture on your bike without being asked...

nefertarii Wed 06-Feb-13 15:17:46

After 6 months you are arguing over him not buying you anything? I am hoping for a massive drip feed here because I don't think the boyfriend is the problem.

DonderandBlitzen Wed 06-Feb-13 15:20:32

Buy yourself flowers and be cagey about who they are from. grin Seriously, nothing whatsoever over xmas is a bit tight. Ditto a birthday.

StuntGirl Wed 06-Feb-13 15:21:22

Context is important here I think. It's important to know if he's tight with money generally or if he makes it up with actions rather than gifts.

Well exactly Dahlen. We don't have the kind of relationship that is littered with gifts. But my partner is kind and caring and shows his love in other ways.

For someone to be so het up about gifts they're either
a) materialistic and in the wrong relationship to get that, or
b) actually concerned about some wider issue the gifts (or lack of) are representing.

Someone I know insists that her Dp buys a gift every Saturday and gets upset if he doesn't. I don't know why but that makes me really uncomfortable. Poor sod, I think she must be very hard to live with. Dp never buys me a thing but I don't buy him anything either so can't complain.

kirstys23 Wed 06-Feb-13 15:29:46

I think everybody needs to go easy calling OP materialistic. She hasn't said she wants him to spend a ton of money on her, just demonstrate his feelings for her. I agree that there are loads of other ways to show somebody you care other than buying them things, but who doesn't like being bought things?!

My partner is considerate and loving and does buy me flowers (not expensive ones, just a bunch of tulips - my favourite) or a sweetie from the shop, or a bookmark, or the biggest butternut squash he can see in the supermarket!

I reciprocate and always try and be thoughtful. It's nice to be like that. It doesn't mean you are materialistic!

RubyrooUK Wed 06-Feb-13 15:30:30

I don't think I know many people showering their partners in gifts. Most of the people I know in good relationships are mainly just kind to their partners, which takes many forms.

So my DH in the first few months of going out didn't buy me flowers or chocolate. We both suggested nice activities we could do together or lovely places to eat, which we tended to share the cost of. We just had a good time together and I felt he enjoyed spending time with me (as I did with him), which after a few months was all I was looking for.

Now we've been together 11 years, we do less nice things together as we have children. And we still don't often buy things for each other. (If he bought something after every row, we would be broke grin).

But he still packs the dishwasher every day because I can't be arsed and I listen with patience to his work issues when he needs support.

I wouldn't be so focused on presents. I'd be more focused on the ways in which your partner shows he likes spending time with you, appreciates you and supports you. If he isn't doing those, that is a real problem.

Crinkle77 Wed 06-Feb-13 15:32:44

My boyfriend is a bit like this and he is not romantic in the slightest. When I moaned about him never once having bought me flowers he said 'what's the point cos they just die?' I just don't think that guys attach much meaning to stuff like that. But my fella is good in other ways. I don't drive and he runs me round everywhere. We don't live together but he will take me supermarket shopping and he will do anything else I ask. I think it is these little acts of kindness that mean more than material presents.

KellyElly Wed 06-Feb-13 15:47:36

What's all this 6 months argument? Some people get engaged/move in together after 6 months - it's hardly 6 weeks! They might be serious after that time. Also aren't the early days supposed to be the honeymoon period? If you passed some exams I'd at least expect him to get you a card and take you out for a meal to celebrate! If it bothers you, tell him. It just might not occur to him. If he hasn't bought you ANYTHING (as you say) e.g. a packet of crisps, a coffee, a drink, then he's a tight-arse grin

Friend of mine, in the relatively early days of their relationship (but not living together), had to go away with work for two weeks and when he got back, he brought his girlfriend a bouquet of flowers. Because he hadn't seen her for two weeks and wanted to show he cared.

Girlfriend's first words were: "What have you done, then?"

He'd done nothing and they have now been married 10 years. But he's never bought her flowers again!

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