to feel hurt for my fatherless son

(130 Posts)
spiritedaway Mon 04-Feb-13 21:24:04

I have 4 dc- the youngest is 2 the eldest 10. The youn gest 2 have no contact with their father. My Dp wants to move in and be a dad to my little 2. He has shown great commitment over the last year during a fairly long distance relationship. He would like a child of his own. To not have one is a deal breaker. I am currently a single mum of 4. I would love a baby together but i need to weigh against needs of the other kids. I feel like he is saying my little 2 are not enough and would almost be downgraded by his own child. He saying he just doesn't want to always feel like an outsider looking in. I am over 40. I also fear becoming a single mum of 5. I asked him what if i say no, he replied he would leave. If i try, but we can't then he says that would be ok. Is this more like wants me to prove something to him? I really feel it is crunch time.

spiritedaway Thu 07-Feb-13 00:41:25

Really well put Astelia. . hard on her parents! lucky for mine they live far away;) Hope everything yours out for your cousin and her children.

spiritedaway Thu 07-Feb-13 00:44:24

Luckily for my parents they live far away ;-) Hope everything works out ok for your cousin and her children.

spiritedaway Thu 07-Feb-13 00:45:54

i cross posted with. . . myself! It disappeared 1st time :-)

Hissy Thu 07-Feb-13 07:32:14

The evidence does point to the latter. The stuff about the ex, the threats, it's all there.

I don't doubt he thinks he does love you, but I think he has that confused with 'need' he has a NEED for a family, and one of his own. I can't see anywhere in all this that he's thinking of your feelings.

I can see you only thinking of him, because he's demanding you to. Gradually now, you are beginning to think about YOUR thoughts and feelings, and those of your DC you already have.

It's good that this is a LDR, cos at least you do have the space to think.

Your relationship is in no way ready for the 'having a baby' conversation. You need to be 100% sure of him, and I don't think, given his behaviour, that you can be.

The most responsible thing to tell him now is 'Not Now.' And at the moment, if he pushes you, or threatens you, the answer is a flat No. If he wishes to ignore your right to decide, your right to wait, then that's not on.

You owe him nothing, except honesty. If you don't want any more DC, that's your decision. If he wants to make it a dealbreaker, that's his decision.

It really IS that simple.

Things happen for a reason. This man is a transition, you've learned all you can from him. Next one will be better. Please don't stay on for the sake of a year, it's nothing. There is no such thing as a relationship investment.

Hissy Thu 07-Feb-13 07:38:26

I don't necessarily think he is desperate for a baby though.

He's desperate to make a point. For you to prove yourself to him, because of his past.

My ex demanded I pass all sorts of tests. There was always one more thing I needed to prove.

This is the guy's first year, and this is his first test. He wants control. I have a feeling it's THAT more than anything.

Only you will know if that could be true spirited.

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