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Splitting rent into thirds as one partner has a child? Red flag????

(123 Posts)
Donttrustmyselfanymore Sun 03-Feb-13 22:02:58

My friend is planning to move in with her boyfriend of a year.
She has a 3 year old dd from a previous relationship.

Her and her partner earn roughly the same money, they were going to go halves on bills rent etc but now he has changed his mind and he says he should only pay a third of the rent, gas electric etc as she has dd.

He will be moving into her 2 bed flat that she has been running alone for 4 years so it wouldn't be a struggle for her financially.

I find this really odd, he knows she has a child and that child is 3 years old ffs! and to me it shows resentment already.

Is this a red flag or fair. I'm not sure what to say to her tbh.

Mimishimi Mon 04-Feb-13 00:03:41

Hmmm... And does he expect her three year old to pay her share? Especially since it's her flat, I'd be telling him to bugger off quite frankly.

PaellaUmbrella Mon 04-Feb-13 00:08:35

This is one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read.

What does the 3 year old do for a living then, clean chimneys?
I assume if they have a child of their own they'll split it 4 ways?

Seenenoughtoknow Mon 04-Feb-13 00:26:30

What an arse. My DH moved in with myself and DD from previous relationship and has NEVER mentioned having to pay for anything for her and when her own father wouldn't, he even gave her spending money for a school trip

He has his own DC's from a previous marriage (whom he pays maintenance for) and we have another DC together now and he treats them all no differently.

I guess that's the difference between a man and a manchild...

babanouche Mon 04-Feb-13 00:52:39

RED flag.

Big fucking SCARLETT flag.

He sounds awful.

"This has made her have second thoughts so ill definitely be telling her to trust her gut."
So glad to hear that she sees that red flag waving already!

"they were going to go halves on bills rent etc but now he has changed his mind and he says he should only pay a third"
So, as far as he is concerned, this is not something that is discussed and agreed mutually, he just gets to unilaterally change the (implied) agreement? That is another even bigger red flag than his pasimony. What-I-want-is-what's-going-to-happen. <shudder>

And the rest of what you wrote :

"he acts like he's 'saved her from her life, as her life was awful before she met him' His words!"
So now he's making stuff up? Her life sounds OK to me (amicable relations with financially responsible ex). I really do not like that. He's rewriting her history in his mind - that strikes me as a precursor to rewriting it in hers; all just a little bit gaslighting-y.

"He made her dd dinner once and goes on about it like he deserves a medal. He also goes on to anyone that will listen about what a great guy he is for 'supporting' another mans child, although to date he has paid nothing towards her dd"
So again, he is lying rewriting history. I always think when people do that it's because they want to use it as ammo later, when the 'rewritten' partner stands up for themselves over some piece of the rewriter's nonsense.

Sorry, but I get a really bad feeling about this bloke, so again I am really glad that your friend is having second thoughts. I do hope she acts on them and cools the relationship, he sounds as if he is very bad news.

andubelievedthat Mon 04-Feb-13 01:02:57

Not so much red flag , more q the exit strategy , (imo)

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 04-Feb-13 01:16:41

Massive huge red flag.

Sounds like a cock lodger and wanker of the highest order. I wouldn't walk away from this one I would run.

ReturnOfEmeraldGreen Mon 04-Feb-13 01:44:53

Red flag. Arse. Get rid.

BadLad Mon 04-Feb-13 02:11:55

He will be cruel to her DD when she is left alone with him. There will be lots of unexplained bruises.

I'd agree that his attitude is a red flag, but this a bit of a leap.

GothAnneGeddes Mon 04-Feb-13 03:34:02

Ring the alarm and raise the red flag. He sounds like the iceberg to your friends Titanic.

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 03:34:31

Big shiny, and almost glowing red flag

feministefatale Mon 04-Feb-13 03:44:35

What if she had 4 dcs that he wasn't the parent of and therefore needed a 3/4 bed house -would everyone still expect him to pay

What if the op had a modified house to home her giraffe?

Are we just making up scenarios or answering the one the ops friend is actually in? because we are talking about one 3 year old here. Not half the rent on a 4 bed house.

AThingInYourLife Mon 04-Feb-13 03:48:48

"What if the op had a modified house to home her giraffe?"


Brilliant - I will think of this often when people do the alternative scenario thing.

Other than that I agree with WhereYou.

riveroise Mon 04-Feb-13 04:01:20

Ok, so he's a cheapskate, but the real red-flag is his attitude towards the little girl.

OP, I think your friend should very carefully consider her little girls wellbeing and future happiness and not move this arse in. If this is his attitude to the child now, I dread to think what it could be like once the honeymoon period has worn off, and he has revealed his true character. I think your friend has just seen glimpses of it so far.

If she goes ahead and moves him in, please tell her not to have him on the tenancy.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 04-Feb-13 08:26:45

He's clearly a freeloader. If she really wants to move in with him - and it often happens regardless of well-meant advice - then at the very least she should not put him on the rent, utility bills or anything else that would indicate ownership. She should keep her own bank accounts and have him pay his share via Standing Order. If he's only playing 'lodger money' then he gets treated as a lodger not a partner. And for goodness sake tell her to make sure she doesn't have a baby with this idiot. Always a bad idea to be financially reliant upon a man but this one would make her life hell.

MusicalEndorphins Mon 04-Feb-13 08:46:33

I agree with the post above me by CogitoErgo

at the very least she should not put him on the rent, utility bills or anything else that would indicate ownership. She should keep her own bank accounts and have him pay his share via Standing Order. If he's only playing 'lodger money' then he gets treated as a lodger not a partner.

riveroise Mon 04-Feb-13 08:49:37

I agree with CogitoErgo as well.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere Mon 04-Feb-13 08:59:27

He sounds like a complete fuckwit. Your friend would be best rid of him.
Red flag without a doubt.

TroublesomeEx Mon 04-Feb-13 09:02:53

Big Red Flag.

Cogito is right.

Erimentha Mon 04-Feb-13 09:18:14

Red flag, and a twat to boot. He doesn't sound like someone she really needs in her life.

KeatsiePie Mon 04-Feb-13 09:22:22

The rent thing is bad enough, but he's going around LYING about how he's supporting "another man's child"? EW. NO.

The man himself is a walking, talking red flag.

Spero Mon 04-Feb-13 09:23:37

Massive furling scarlet banner. In my extensive experience, meanness with money is an almost infallible indicator of global twattishness. He is a nasty piece of work and his behaviour will get worse.

CinnabarRed Mon 04-Feb-13 09:30:18

If she does go ahead, blinded by love, tell her to save a good chunk of whatever he pays her. She doesn't need it now because she's managing on her own, but it's very easy to get used to the extra income, make financial commitments, and then find it's ten times harder to extract yourself when the relationship goes tits up. If she's saved his contribution then (i) she's not got used to spending it; and (ii) she's got a nice little escape fund ready if she ever needs it.

DrCoconut Mon 04-Feb-13 09:41:12

DS1 is not DH's biological child. DS2 is. But we just get on with bringing them both up and always have. We just pay for things as needed from what we have. DH's parents also treat both boys the same which is lovely. Any form of "attitude" towards a child is definitely a warning sign to me.

Dahlen Mon 04-Feb-13 09:44:21

Serious red flag. Any man who thinks he's 'saved' his partner from a terrible life rather than considering himself lucky to have her is a man who is going to display an incredible sense of entitlement over said partner.

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