To grass up my sister

(76 Posts)
FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Sun 03-Feb-13 21:57:47

I don't like her. I need to get that out before I ask if I'm being unreasonable.

My sister has never managed her finances well. She has been managing the minimum repayments on her loans/credit cards for some years whilst living rent free in my parents' house and pissing all her money up the wall. She also stole just under a thousand pounds from my father a few years back but because she's the baby we're not allowed to talk about that

Anyway, she's now unemployed and can't make her minimu repayments. She's decided to go into a Debt Relief Order, which is like bankruptcy for people who owe less than £15k (she does if you don't include my parents), have assets worth less than £300 (her car is worth £1200 but she's claiming my parents own it and she has some v expensive jewellery) and people who have disposable income of less than £50 per month (she pays nothing towards keep at home and her entire income is disposable). So she meets none of the criteria.

She has said she's not going to list what she owes family, is going to claim her car belongs to our parents and that she pays rent to them when she doesn't. I can't sit by and watch whilst she perjures herself (and it is perjury) claiming that she doesn't have anything to show whilst the rest of us pay however much in interest to service our debts. Moreover, my father is a magistrate and my mother a county councillor. Surely in their positions of public office they have a duty to make the authorities aware of the lies.

DH has said it's me being a cow, which might be the point, but it feels like my sister is again not taking responsibility and telling more lies that she thinks she will get away with and therefore not learn from her pretty fucking massive mistake to date.

So AIBU to point out to her, and if she doesn't listen the relevant authorities, that she isn't telling the truth?

andubelievedthat Mon 04-Feb-13 00:32:01

name on a vehicle v5 doc is not legal proof of ownership.if as u say your parents are high achievers i would think they know what they are doing, go and look in the mirror , do you like the person looking back ? if u have such a take on right and wrong , where is your christianity?

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 00:43:33

Yes I like the person looking back. I am furious and struggling with someone who I'm supposed to respect doing something unnecessary and wrong. I've said several times that I agree with other posters that I'd be U to go through with this. I'm trying to make sense of the situation and how I feel about it.

IneedAsockamnesty Mon 04-Feb-13 01:08:02

Why does it matter how you feel about it?

That's a genuine question not a dig

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 08:02:35

It shouldn't, sock, but for some reason I have a bee in my bonnet. I suppose because she is being typical her and not doing things properly, thinking she knows better and not considering the impact she'll have on others. It also shows that she's not taking this seriously and she thinks she can win against the system. Which she'll gloat about (as per usual).

The stupid thing is I know that if she told the truth there would be practically no difference in outcome. So she's being a dick by not doing it right and I'm being a dick getting my knickers in a twist.

Boomerwang Mon 04-Feb-13 08:06:57

I wouldn't do it. It's your sister. Anyone else, maybe. But not your own family.

Unless of course you hate her and anyone else who would be affected by this.

flow4 Mon 04-Feb-13 08:11:12

A wise man once said to me, "Yes, it's shit. But it doesn't have to be OUR shit".

It is good advice to only spend your energy on things you can actually influence.

Your sister isn't the person you want her to be. You can't make her be. All you can do it make yourself be the sort of person you want to be. You aren't, currently, or you would not be so bothered by this.

Branleuse Mon 04-Feb-13 08:11:22

stay out of it. Seriously. Not worth the fallout or backlash.

back away

Awomansworth Mon 04-Feb-13 10:06:39

I was once in a similar situation with my sister quite a few years ago. I decided to let it go, ad it really was the best thing to do.

Your parents are protecting thier child, in much the same way you would. They most probably know her faults but just won't be able to stop themselves helping her... as angry as this makes you feel, you won't change them or her.

My own sister was protected by my parents in many ways and sadly when they died, she was unable to function properly for quite a while before she had to learn to stand on her own two feet, which even years later she struggles to do.

Sadly your parents think they are helping her, but in the long run they are not.

MerryMarigold Mon 04-Feb-13 10:19:42

I think by grassing her up, you would be removing her responsibility once again. She needs to make the decisions, and live with the consequences. If your parents get into trouble, they need to live with that too. It will be the consequence of the way they have parented her, and still are, if they get into trouble. Don't feel bad about it! If everything goes in her favour this time, she's a lucky girl - but one day things will come to bite back.

I think for your own conscience you need to warn her and your parents of the possible consequences of going ahead in this way, and then leave the decisions up to them.

PeppermintPasty Mon 04-Feb-13 10:29:21

You have to let it go IMO. Why waste your energy. Let the whole toxic family crap wash over you. My dsis and dbro are treated entirely differently to me by our mother because she is a batshit crazy narcissist. I learned this the hard way and although it still takes up some of my time, I no longer wring my hands and expend as much energy trying to make sense of it all. I had to let it go.

I think you need to do that wrt your sister. She'll carry on being like this or she won't, and nothing you do will make a difference to her, but it will to you-it will knacker you out.

Toomuchtea Mon 04-Feb-13 10:35:32

Yes to what MerryMarigold said. It is infuriating, saddening and bewildering when you can see people travelling merrily towards the edge of a cliff, but much as you'd like to haul your family back from the edge, it's not very likely that you will. Like Awomansworth, after years of trying to offer advice/help/support, I stepped back, as it was either that or blow the relationship apart totally.

I don't think you're being entirely U; I just don't think you'd get the result you want.

juneau Mon 04-Feb-13 10:39:50

Personally, I would not grass her up. What I would do is read my parents the riot act, because it sounds as if they ARE colluding. Point out what it could mean to them as a magistrate and a councillor - what the public naming and shaming could mean to them. Are they prepared to risk such humiliation?Because I'm pretty sure their local paper will have a field day on their asses.

This is what I would do.

badtemperedaldbitch Mon 04-Feb-13 10:42:57

to put this the kindest way i know.... live your life and dont worry about hers.

she is not your responsibily
her life is nothing to do with you
your bitterness will eat you inside out
even if you do get invovled there are more people affected and you will affect your relationship with them.

I speak as a sister of 4 siblings who have a completely different moral standard than myself. for years i struggled with what SHOULD be. i felt a lot better when i embraced what WAS, and stopped trying to change a fundimental mindset. It has helped that i married a man with similar standards to myslef - moved 300 miles away, and live my life according to our standards.

I know this is no help when you want to shake some sense into her.... but ultimately at 30 she isnt going to start changing now.

Please be at peace with yourself

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 10:44:33

The parents don´t have to collude with her though, do they?

I suspect that is what hurts?

How far they are willing to go for her?

I´d not be wanting a relationship with any of them tbh, as I´d have no respect for them.

Also, ponting out her faults will not make them think any more of you.

FlouncingMintyy Mon 04-Feb-13 10:45:47

Oh Foxtrot!

I am interested in how your parents excuse your sister and make all these allowances for her? Does she have mental health issues? It certainly sounds like she has an alcohol problem from that thread where you had to go and rescue her. Why hasn't she got a job?

I completely understand your frustration, I really do.

FergusSingsTheBlues Mon 04-Feb-13 10:49:08

OH yeah, id be going mad too.

Your parents should have a serious think about what they are doing, they are being naive and foolish.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 10:53:57

Thank you all for being so kind. You're right. I won't achieve anything in stepping in, and I'm hurt that she is supported in her frankly criminal behaviour by parents who don't support me. I suppose this is the root of the issue.

Marymerrigold has hit it on the head. I would be taking responsibility from her if I make a fuss. I just need to let it lie.

She hasn't a job as she got sacked (for the fourth time in two years) in October, shortly after the drunk rescue incident which happened on a work night out. She's been temping and sponging from my parents since then.

Also, I worry about when my parents are no longer around. She won't have the life skills to manage and I know I'll end up getting involved. I say that I won't but I couldn't let her suffer.

FeistyLass Mon 04-Feb-13 10:54:41

Foxtrot, you know YABU and I do sympathise a little as I have two dsis who are similarto your's. Dm worries about them but ultimately bails them out every time.
However, I don't think you know enough about all the circumstances to get involved in the middle of this current crisis.
You are doing your parents a great disservice to think they would risk their reputations and careers for your dsis. You don't understand the issue about car ownership. I can register a car in my name but someone else can make the payments for it. As far as the finance company is concerned, the person who pays owns the car.
You say your parents will pretend that the car payments were rent but actually, you don't live with them so you can't be sure of all the intricacies of their financial arrangements. Your dsis may be deliberately winding you up about what she is going to do and actually it is all above board. You could view her decision to go down this route as her taking responsibility. It will have repercussions on her credit rating and her life for years to come.
Be glad you don't have her problems and focus on your own full life.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 11:00:06

Feisty - I do understand the issue over car ownership. I know that they bought the car and she paid them back at a certain amount per month. I know this because I've seen the bank statements as I was asked what she should do re her financial situation when she most recently was sacked, and then had my advice ignored. The payments ceased when she had paid back the car loan, and if they were rent they would have continued.

Also, DM has refused to ever charge rent as she didn't for the rest of us - who left home in our teens/early twenties. This is something she is still adamant she won't do. I do understand how their finances are set up.

FeistyLass Mon 04-Feb-13 11:06:15

Foxtrot, sorry. I thought since they all live together there might be details that weren't as clear to you as you thought.
I still think you should try to back off. I completely understand the frustration with both your sister and your parents but getting involved in the middle of this would just cause heartache all round. Perhaps you should tell your parents and dsis that you don't want to hear about their finances, etc, going forward since you have such different values from them. If you don't know what's happening then you won't feel the need to take responsibility for it.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 11:06:54

"She won't have the life skills to manage and I know I'll end up getting involved. I say that I won't but I couldn't let her suffer."

Which is what your parents are doing.

FoxtrotFoxtrotSierra Mon 04-Feb-13 11:09:14

I know. I need to back away. It's just difficult, having been asked for help and then ignored.

And diddl you make an excellent point. Thank you. I'd like to think that I would help her help herself rather than protect her from the world. I'd want to just walk away though.

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 11:09:46

And of course you could always teach her the life skills if it becomes necessary, rather than just bailing out...

diddl Mon 04-Feb-13 11:10:23

Great minds...grin

cumfy Mon 04-Feb-13 13:41:12

I am really interested in the responses on this thread, and will be curious to see how similar the (post-trial) views are on Vicki Pryce's decision to "grass up" Chris Huhne.

There are clearly parallels.

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