That you disregard dc safety

(81 Posts)
bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 10:27:48

Exp has dc on contact visit once a month. He turns up without car seat for dc. I got so fed up of his disregard in keeping dc safe on car journeys that I had it written into the court order that he was to bring a suitible car seat for dc. Is it to much to ask that he pays attention to this ffs its only one time a month. He refuses to go out and buy one. Dc should be properly restrained in a car by law,not just me being difficult as exp puts it.

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 14:19:56

After seven years of being split up surely he would have better things to than to deliberately want to piss me off... do you think its because he knows that he is being a twat?
I love that one of the sawdust, thankyou much you have cheered me up.
just got to sit out the next few hours hoping that dc comes back safely. And yep ,i,m going to stand firm on it next time.
its not as if he hasn,t got the money to buy a car seat,he,s loaded not paying any csa!! They paid me once and he asked them to give it back and they did??
A bit off topic but this is his mind set towards his responsibilitys.

rainbowrainbowrainbow Sat 02-Feb-13 14:28:24

I think he doesn't like the fact that you asked a judge to put car seat issue in the court order and the judge agreed with you. He doesn't want to back down perhaps because of sheer bloody mindedness, and childish pigheadedness. And of course he knows hes being idiotic but doesnt want to admit it. So much easier to blame it on you. He sounds exhausting. Your poor dc

rainbowrainbowrainbow Sat 02-Feb-13 14:31:28

Is he self employed?
Took me months to sort out csa stuff but would suggest keeping on at them on a weekly basis. If he can afford to run a car surely he can afford to pay SOMETHING towards the upbringing of his dc?

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 14:34:41

For some reason he hates me with a passion,but I make it clear to him that I don,t give a shit that he does. My only priorty is to my dc. I never saw it that way Rainbow.

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 14:39:52

Yes he is self employed and earns very well, they know this and how he has a mortgage,rents out various properties. He says that I should ask him if dc needs anything, but I shouldn,t have to go cap in hand when dc needs things he should just pay his way. part of me thinks that he still wants to be in control of me. yes it is very exhausting and draining for both me and dc and have been putting up with it for years.

No car seat, no contact. Tough if ex doesn't like it, he knows he has to provide a car seat. But he's breaking a court order, what is the penalty for that and how can it be enforced?

The main problem as I see it is your son - "dc would say that I stopped him seeing his father if I don,t let him go". Sorry, but you are the adult and he is the child; where safety is concerned what you say, goes. Explain it to him as much as you have to, be that broken record. If he doesn't like it, again, tough.

Do you have a phone number for ex? Can your son phone him the day before contact to tell him that he needs to have a booster seat for him? Because then if ex turns up without one, you son will see it as his dad letting him down rather than his mum? Just a thought, I appreciate it might not be do-able.

rainbowrainbowrainbow Sat 02-Feb-13 14:47:23

My ex has been livid with me for years, ever since a judge ordered him to disclose his assets. He was saying he ccouldn't afford child maintenance, then it transpired he'd been given over a million quid when he was made redundant. He still believes he shouldn't have to pay any maintenance. He also only sees his dc once a month.
I handle it now by being really nice and polite when we have to speak/email etc, flummoxes him completely. Very hard to do after all the pain he caused his dc when he remarried and decided he no longer wanted to support his son or have regular contact with him.

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 14:57:51

when dc comes back from contact later I will have the conversation with him re the car seat. But as for dc asking him to do that over the phone it will go in one ear and out the other. I can,t empahsize enough how he thinks that he can,t be told what to do and how to do it. its so draining having a grown adult behave like this.

rainbowrainbowrainbow Sat 02-Feb-13 14:58:01

You shouldn't have to and yes it does sound controlling of him.
Someone senior needs to look at your case by the sounds of it. If you have the strength do keep on at the csa, they exist because of people like him after all.
Took me over a year to get my claim sorted but worth the aggravation.

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 15:06:45

It will cost me money to have the breach of order taken before the judge again. So it looks like I will have try and appeal to him to bring the car seat. don,t fancy my chances much. failing that then it will be no contact until he comes with a seat. im prepared to take the flack from dc but its true what whereyouleftit i am the adult.
intrested to know how your csa worked out please rainbow.

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 15:07:57

thats sad for your dc rainbow but his fathers loss

Of course it will go in one ear and out the other. What he does isn't the point. Your son is the point. He will have asked daddy to do something, and daddy won't have done it. At the moment, your son blames you if contact doesn't happen (and I can't see your ex pass up the chance to badmouth you to DS and reinforce that misconception). This might help DS to see where blame lies for himself, without any adult telling him.

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 15:27:22

its almost as if he is trying to goad me. he is adament that we should never go back to court again and that he won,t turn up anyway. he is acting younger than ds. im not looking forward to the chat with dc later as fairly enough he loves his father and looks forward to contact. but he needs to understand that his safety is important.

rainbowrainbowrainbow Sat 02-Feb-13 15:27:40

I had to apply for a variation as exp was "unemployed". I argued that his lifestyle was incompatible with a nil assessment BUT I had to get judge to release form E? from during litigation, which stated other income/assets/outgoings that he had disclosed. Hisrental income, cars, 2nd Mediterranean home was enough to convince senior csa guy that he had to pay. Problem was it was complex and no-one wanted to touch it. If you have any particularly written proof of assets or can give as much info as poss re lifestyle, holidays he may go on etc it helps. I now get maximum payments.

rainbowrainbowrainbow Sat 02-Feb-13 15:37:03

Oh OP he sounds impossible.
Try and comfort yourself with the fact that when dc are older they will understand that you are the one who was always there for them and did all you could to ensure their safety. It's not a petty issue either. A neighbours son was killed in a car accident when not strapped into car seat properly, it's just not worth the risk. Just a shame your exp can't behave like a responsible grown up!

rainbowrainbowrainbow Sat 02-Feb-13 15:42:03

If you did go back to court and exp didn't turn up I am pretty sure he would be liable for all court fees. Have to get babies up now, best of luck. Will you update on how you get on?

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 15:42:12

oh shit im paranoid now that they may have an accident on the road, he could go through the windscreen or anything I feel worried sick,why bloody why bloody prick he is a prick I should never of let dc go

lljkk Sat 02-Feb-13 15:49:33

Hold on, booster seats weren't even legally required until 6 years ago or so, at that age. They may be best to use but the risk increase for not having one is not massive. Don't panic. Come up with an action plan for future, that part you can control.

rainbowrainbowrainbow Sat 02-Feb-13 15:52:47

Oh no OP sorry. I didn't mean to scare you. Sorry. I am just overcautios because of what happened to neighbour. If they have seatbelts on they should be ok if theres an accident, even if they've not quite big enough to go without boosters.

Yes, an 8-year-old doesn't really need a car seat. (I hate car seats anyway, I hate the whole unnecessary scaremongering con of them being suddenly 'required' for older and older children). So try not to fixate on that too much.

However, I would advise a chat with WA about getting a better solicitor, one who is used to abusive dickheads and legal ways of putting them in their place. This man is an arsehole but he does not have superpowers and is not above the law. You can legally make his life difficult and uncomfortable and I suggest you go ahead.

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 17:02:57

Had a bit of a panic back there but sure ds will come back safely fingers crossed.
Legally making his life difficult would put me and ds in not a very good position as dv have taken place. I am scared of his reaction to things so I tend to want a quite life and not engage with him. sometimes I lose it and tell him that I dont care/give a shit but it falls on deaf ears.
when it comes to him being above the law believe me he is. He managed to persuede a judge to overturn an injunction on him from me. I hate me and ds being put in this posistion when all I want is for ds to be safe. its like he can lord it over us.

Pandemoniaa Sat 02-Feb-13 17:02:58

Hold on, booster seats weren't even legally required until 6 years ago or so, at that age

This.

My dcs are grown up. At the age that your son is they were always in a seatbelt. However (and I'm not saying this is right, merely that it is how it was) booster seats for 8 year olds were neither a legal requirement nor used. They travelled for thousands of miles without accident.

I realise that this doesn't make the situation with your ex any easier but please don't get paranoid about the automatic likelihood of an accident occurring.

If a car seat is specified in the court order and he refuses to use one then you do have to take him back to court. Otherwise there's no point in having the order in the first place and he can carry on taking the piss.

lljkk Sat 02-Feb-13 17:07:30

So sorry you are in this position. But every time he successfully bullies you he will be encouraged to keep doing it and will keep doing it. You must find a way to stand up to him. Good luck.

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 17:31:09

Taking the piss is what he is doing and being a bully. Problem is I don,t want his shit disregard rubbing off on ds.

bongobaby Sat 02-Feb-13 19:36:20

An hour late coming back , Car seat was at his fathers house as he said to ds that your mum should of given me yours!!! ds came back in new clothes as father said he didn,t like what he was wearing so made him get changed into new clothes in the shop changing room and put his other clothes in a bag.
Also told ds that he can sell his playstation for him when he gives it to him and get him an xbox. Hold on a minute I worked hard to buy the playstation and he shouldn,t be telling him that he can just sell it for him!!
He seems to want to undermind me as ds threw a right strop when I said that no he will not be selling the playstation.
He is a beginning to irritate me.

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