AIBU to not expect my daughter to have to go to A&E following playdate?

(186 Posts)
WileyRoadRunner Fri 01-Feb-13 14:01:38

Ok will try and explain all without dripfeeding but have been made to feel i am BU so looking for opinions...

DD age 8 went to a friends house - there were to be 4 girls. Unknown to me there were also 4 older boys going. Whilst there apparently there was play fighting with wooden swords. This escalated and my DD decided she no longer want to play and went into another bedroom with one of the other girls (lets say A).

This led to the 6 other children swearing at my child and calling her names.

At this point the father of A who had turned up early went upstairs. He witnessed the boys with the wooden sword and told them to be careful. The girls would not tell him what was wrong but did not want to play with the others and were very quiet.

They then came down and asked A's dad to take them home.

When he dropped DD off he stated that he didn't think things had gone very well and that his DD was very upset. When DD got undressed her legs were bruised, bleeding and hugely swollen. My husband took her to A&E where it turns out she has a chipped kneecap.

The following day i get a sheepish phonecall from the host's mother asking if my DD was ok as the girl's all seemed "tense" with each other. I told her what had happened. She said she would look into it. I was perfectly reasonable but said i was unhappy with what had taken place.

As it turns out the phone call was prompted by A's dad calling her and complaining about the same thing....

I left it at that.

I then get an email saying that none of it ever happened and basically calling my daughter a liar. I know that what DD is telling me is true as not only does she have the injuries, the swear words she told me were used are very particular and these children have apparently used these in the past. A's dad also went upstairs several times and what he says correlates with the version i have been told.

The host's mum does not know that A's dad has spoken to me.

So after being lambasted in an email was i really being U when asked if my DD was ok to say no? Apparently her children swearing although she says now that it didn't happen is them experimenting and exploring words.

FWIW another child apparently broke their nose that evening!!!

Yfronts Sun 03-Feb-13 18:51:27

List in an email everything that you know happened and who witnessed it. Include broken nose and hospital visit details. Explain her children are liers and list the language they used.

socharlotte Sun 03-Feb-13 18:40:17

I think all you can do is draw a line under it, and not let her go there again

MariusEarlobe Sun 03-Feb-13 18:38:35

Gosh, I felt bad enough handing my friends ds over after a play date yesterday with a small scrape on his tummy from the park! I apologised profusely (sp?)

We came back with my dd who had fell of her scooter and had battered knees and a bloody nose and her ds who has scraped his tummy (only small thanks god)

If this had happened at my house I would be mortified! Accidents happen and my friends ds is a dare devil and has various scars from hospital incidents in his own home to the point mum has said not to panic if he breaks anything with me she wont blame me shock

but this does not sound like an accident!

take photos and send them to her.

even better if you took photos on the day.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Sun 03-Feb-13 18:28:37

I would have to contact the mother again, i think. She will know something's up when playdates stop happening, and that will potentially affect the girls' friendship anyway.

WileyRoadRunner Sun 03-Feb-13 15:59:44

I had considered that angle socharlotte and it would put my mind at rest if I could believe that is genuinely what happened .... But I just can't. My daughter just isn't in to that kind of game and surely it must be known that hitting with such force as to give that kind of injury, is not appropriate behaviour.

Also surely it moves from a game to something else when a child leaves the room and then is sworn at for refusing to take part or more likely because she threatened to tell perhaps.

Either way the main thing that has aroused my concern is the mothers complete lack of apology/concern and refusal to accept HER children behaved inappropriately.

I think I will just move on and leave things. Unfortunately I don't think I could have her DD round to play here as I would worry, given the mothers personality, that it would be fraught with difficulties plus I just can't bear to have anything to do with her

socharlotte Sun 03-Feb-13 14:47:03

I am going to go against the grain here.
It seems as though your dd and A were willingly joining in the playfighting, until they then got hurt and withdrew to another room.
I can understand your annoyance at the playdate mum wasn't supervising the kids better.But calling it 'beating' and 'assault' and calling police is just ridiculous.It was a game your Dc was playing!

BegoniaBampot Sun 03-Feb-13 14:26:18

op - sound like you've handled the situation as well as you could. hope all goes well for the future.

Thumbwitch Sun 03-Feb-13 11:31:10

When I suggested involving the police, it was more aimed at the mother for her, in my view, inexcusable refusal to accept responsibility in any way for what had happened to your DD, Wiley.
Yes, accidents do happen - but normally people are hugely apologetic, can't do enough to make it up to you and reassure you that it will never happen again - not pretend it never happened in the first place!
However, if this happened to two girls, it doesn't suggest an accident at all but deliberate targetting.

Anyway. The police aren't interested, there's nothing more to be done there. I think that you have done all you can do - your DD seems happy enough to let it lie now, her friend apologised, the brother and mother are clearly people to avoid and you've already decided to achieve that by not letting your DD go to her friend's house any more, so now all that you can do is hope that your DD's knee has no long-lasting after-effects from the bone chip. Did the docs give any indication of what could happen, how big the chip is etc.? Sometimes a loose bone chip, if it's shard-like, can cause soft tissue damage - hope this doesn't happen.

simplesusan Sun 03-Feb-13 10:45:31

I wouldn't let dd go to this woman's house again. However I would let the girl come to your house IF your dd asks.

YANBU at all.
Accidents do happen but this mother is defending what happened when clearly any rational person would know that it is inexcusable.

HecateWhoopass Sun 03-Feb-13 09:33:46

Bloody hell.

That's awful, it really is.

how can they justify not being interested in something like that?!

BegoniaBampot Sat 02-Feb-13 18:36:11

the police are often not interested. my 70 something yr old father got attacked by a young guy wielding a machete in broad daylight while walking his dog. the police were not interested even though my dad knew his address and who he was.

HecateWhoopass Sat 02-Feb-13 15:41:43

The police were not interested that your child had been hit with a piece of wood until her legs were bleeding and she suffered a chipped bone shock

I have to say that I find that outrageous. Regardless whether you feel it should or should not be taken further, or any of that stuff, the police should be interested when someone reports something like that!

What did they say that demonstrated they didn't care? They just said sorry, that's not something we'd look into, or what?

WileyRoadRunner Sat 02-Feb-13 14:16:48

That's simply not true cumfy and I don't know why you think that.

The police are not interested, my main objective is that my DD is happy.

Of course now I know what this woman's true colours are I do not have a civilised word to say to her. I am just unsure about whether a protracted argument with her is going to resolve anything. She will never change her mind or back down and it may impact on my DD in a day to day basis. She has been through a huge period of sadness already hence why she moved to this school in September.

She is incredibly happy at this school and this incident has not changed that. She knows that I am furious and that I have made those feelings known to the host mother. She has brushed that under the carpet but it doesn't mean I am going to be her friend or even hav anything to say to her in future. My DD will not be going to their house.

I am trying to weigh up what the next move is as my own mother would always weigh in on things when I was small and the result is that it made my own school days difficult.

No one is more concerned about her than me.

cumfy Sat 02-Feb-13 14:04:00

Cosmosim, I think everyone on this post is most concerned about Wiley's DD.

You and me included.

Cosmosim Sat 02-Feb-13 13:57:09

You done being helpful on this thread yet, or would you like to post a few more digs til you feel better? Do direct them at me instead of the OP. I'm not in her stressful situation.

cumfy Sat 02-Feb-13 13:52:13

Maybe cosmosim should talk to Wiley's local police.

FloatyBeatie Sat 02-Feb-13 13:47:26

Sorry you are getting a hard time Wiley. I think you are handling things sensibly.

WileyRoadRunner Sat 02-Feb-13 13:46:12

Cumfy I did not report your post

Cosmosim Sat 02-Feb-13 13:45:35

I reported you cumfy, and obviously someone agreed that suggesting the OP cared more about a car than her daughter IS a personal attack and quite vicious.

cumfy Sat 02-Feb-13 13:38:30

I didn't say anything in the least offensive and wonder why my post was deleted.

Perhaps if Wiley had been as effective as representing her case to the police as she was at representing to MNHQ that my post was offensive, they may well have taken the case further.

FloatyBeatie Sat 02-Feb-13 13:38:29

Actually, the worrying thing is that for whatever reason your dd didn't feel that she could go at once to an adult and say that she was hurt. Usually at a playdate that would be the natural thing to do. Either some of the children pressed her to keep quiet, or your dd didn't really trust that adult to be a source of help when needed. So the injury itself wouldn't be what really set alarm bells going for me, but the context surrounding it is odd and troubling.

manitz Sat 02-Feb-13 13:36:33

Bullying is repeated and directed at a particular individual consistently.
definition from nspcc research paper:
Bullying is a pervasive type of aggression, which often occurs in schools. As with other types
of aggression, the harm that is inflicted – whether physical, emotional or both – is intentional.
However, bullying has defining features which set it apart from other aggressive behaviours,
in that it is repeated, and that the bully or bullies have greater access to power than their
victim(s).

This doesn't seem to be bullying unless it happens regularly and op's daughter has been unfortunate to have been the one. I have seen boys of this age playing with swords and it can often be very physical. The fact that the woman didn't watch them and didn't check on four boys playing with wooden swords around younger children is negligent, the fact that she then didn't apologise and react in an appropriate manner is also an issue. It would be surprising if the police regarded it as a criminal matter.

OP it seems the girl isn't having a great time either. If your dd likes her and wants to continue to be friendly with her then can they confine their friendship to school or playdates at your house? I think you are dealing with this in a measured way fwiw. I think you need to make sure you have had your say so you and your daughter can move on and then just distance yourselves from this woman and her son. Good luck. x

FloatyBeatie Sat 02-Feb-13 13:27:45

My son and another boy decided to playfight with one another using sticks during a playdate at my house. My son got whacked in the eye so hard that we had to go to A&E. He was in very great distress and pain. The possibility of a fractured skull was mentioned (thankfully it wasn't fractured). The eye was swollen to horror-movie proportions.

The thing is, there was no malice or aggression from the boy that did it -- it was simply an inept and stupid piece of wild flinging about. And the responsible person was me, for not stopping the stick play.

I think in your situation, OP, I would want to find out if the incident happened due to stupid, over-excited wildness during consensual shared playfighting, or as a result of an aggressive attack. I can entirely understand the former being the cause of the injury, and then my main concern would be, why weren't the adults setting ground rules properly and supervising adequately? I would be angry at the refusal to ensure a proper apology, but I wouldn't want to paint the boy that did it as a thug or a target for police interest. I would be concerned by the swearing and ganging up, however.

Cosmosim Sat 02-Feb-13 13:16:52

Why do posters turn on the OP and post insults when the OP takes advice on board, thinks about it and acts in a way she feels is appropriate. No wonder some don't come back to update on a situation hmm

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