In wishing dd was less chavvy?

(635 Posts)
HortensiaPollard Thu 31-Jan-13 09:39:02

Went to parents evening last night at 14 yr old dd's school, and noticed that some of dd's teachers were doing double takes at us. Basically because we are obviously very middle-class (which round here means BBC accent, no visible tattoos or bad hair extensions), whereas dd presents herself as an out and out chav.

When I imagined one day having a rebellious teenager I imaged her as a pretty goth, or something along those lines. You know - shaved bits on her head, intense hair colours, lots of black, chunky boots, and I smugly thought I'd be really tolerant and approving, never commenting on my teen's dress sense.

This is dd's ACTUAL look: half an inch of orange foundation, thick, thick eyeliner and six layers of mascara. likethis Hair straightened to within an inch of its life and coated with product. Massive cleavage (at 14 she's wearing an e-cup bra and will not put the buggers away), sagging tracksuit bottoms (with a bit of belly hanging out over the top), huge trainers.

She has a strong Sarf London accent. As far as food choices go, she turns her nose up at the food I make and spends her pocket money at the fried chicken shop or buying kebabs. Will only eat plastic white bread. No vegetables. Spends her lunch money on things like Panda Pops and Red Bull.

She doesn't read anything except Bella and Best magazines (I'm an English graduate and teacher so this is like a knife to my heart), and listens to the cheesiest, naffest, mainstream R&B. She has no hobbies and no interest in what is going on in the world. She's already told me she wants to have a baby young. A brown baby. Her friends mostly have mothers who had them at 16 or 17 and she sees teenage parenthood as normal and not really a problem. We live in the borough with one of the highest teenage pregnancy rates in London, and she knows girls only a bit older than her who are having children.

Most of her teachers (weirdly) find her charming but they are also exasperated by her determination to fail academically, despite our support at home and her very good brain. Last night I wanted to disappear through a hole in the floor while her maths teacher talked about her constant chatting in class, her failure to hand in any homework, her bringing fucking SNOWBALLS in to the lesson and then having a strop when she was told off. She does the 'yeh but no but' thing when she's challenged about her behaviour - suddenly speeds her speech up so it's practically incomprehensible, blinds you with a loud flurry of complicated but intrinsically feeble excuses: "Yeh but, you said, yeh, that if I did last week's homework, yeh, like Kelly goes, whatever, he never set no homework, and you didn't tell me to write it down so it's YOUR fault, and and I'm not taking the blame for you not doing that, and Charmaine said, like, we didn't have to hand it in until Wednesday, but I was off Wednesday and you didn't tell me...." etc, etc, etc.

Last night she threw a massive strop as we were leaving the house to go to parents evening because I was wearing a Hobbs coat, DD said I looked too posh and would embarrass her.

I've n/c for this post by the way, because I feel embarrassed to describe myself as middle-class (although I am - privately educated, dad was a senior diplomat) and because it seems so mean to describe my dd as a chav - but it's inescapable that she has adopted a chav lifestyle and way of presenting herself.

And it's REALLY challenging my ability to be accepting of her as a blossoming adult that she's adopted a lifestyle which happens to embody everything I dislike about modern culture. And saying that makes me feel like a pathetic old git, but it's true. I could take her being an eco rebel, a punk, a goth, an emo. But a chav? It's gutting!

AnnIonicIsoTronic Thu 31-Jan-13 09:43:42

grin shock sad

I feel for you. No advice I'm afraid.

<off to take my pre-teen Dd to save the turtles or
Similar to try to instil a grungy Eco warrior type of alternativeness>

Is moving house to change friendship groups too drastic?

Cherriesarelovely Thu 31-Jan-13 09:44:03

Sorry OP, I agree that would be really annoying but you do write well, it was hilarious to read! Is she willingly trying to fail to fit in with her friends?

AnnIonicIsoTronic Thu 31-Jan-13 09:44:16

And blush

How can I forget blush!!

WorraLiberty Thu 31-Jan-13 09:45:37

You had me until the 'brown baby' line - well done.

So basically she embarrasses you and you embarrass her.

You don't like her style and she doesn't like yours.

You're both gutted...but you can't choose your family so you're stuck with each other.

HTH

smornintime Thu 31-Jan-13 09:45:38

Maybe she has managed to pick the image that bothers you the most! I'm sorry but I had to chuckle at your link and also at 'brown baby' blush
Have you shown her any Vicky Pollard or Waynetta Slob sketches? Do you think she would get it?

mrsjay Thu 31-Jan-13 09:46:52

your daughter isnt a chav your daughter is 14
Im sorry she doesn't fit into your image of her being some cool indie kid it is who she is, get on top of her homework perhaps get her to tone her make up down and get on top of her behaviour be embarrassed you should be her behaviour sounds shocking.
this is nothing to do with being chavvy imo it has everything to do with behaviour posh kids can just be as arsey as poor kids

PseudoBadger Thu 31-Jan-13 09:47:12

I did similar. My parents felt similar. I actually asked them to sell their house so we could move to the council estate where all my friends lived and we could live in a flat.

YANBU, I'd be gutted too. Very entertaining post too I have to say, though I feel your pain - my 16-y-o niece is just how you describe your DD, minus aspiring to be a teen mum.

HortensiaPollard Thu 31-Jan-13 09:48:05

Our clever teenagers can always come up with new ways to alienate and infuriate us!

grin

The only positive aspect of this is that she is challenges teachers' preconceptions fairly regularly by occasionally making really thoughtful and incisive comments (in between long bouts of stupidity) in lessons, which keeps them on their toes professionally speaking!

AudrinaAdare Thu 31-Jan-13 09:48:20

Teenagers like to rebel against their parents. The answer is to emulate Waynetta Slob yourself in dress, speech and attitudes.

HortensiaPollard Thu 31-Jan-13 09:48:50

PseudoBadger grin

AudrinaAdare Thu 31-Jan-13 09:51:55

You have my sympathy though. DD is going the way of TOWIE at just twelve. The "we done maths" and "we was in class" do my head in the most.

Hamishbear Thu 31-Jan-13 09:53:01

Assuming this isn't a wind up when she's all grown up she'll probably be exactly like you only more middle class .

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 31-Jan-13 09:53:28

Oh OP you are definitely not being unreasonable. I also expect my children to rebel and be punk, goth, gosh even emo would be ok, but I hadn't thought about them becoming chavs shock.

HortensiaPollard Thu 31-Jan-13 09:53:34

"get on top of her homework perhaps get her to tone her make up down and get on top of her behaviour be embarrassed you should be her behaviour sounds shocking"

Get her to tone her make up down? How do you do that then?

I agree that bad behaviour in class is unacceptable. I'm on to it. Really. DD's tutor is sick of the sound of my voice I'm on the phone to the school that often, and I think she's sending my regular emails asking for meetings about dd straight to her spam box.

There's only so much you can do as a parent if you have a very strong willed teen. And we're doing all of it.

This has got to be a joke? The Brown baby comments did it for me (no idea why a capital b, presumably she won't be giving birth to a sibling of Paddington).
Anyway, be the accepting and tolerant parent you always planned on being.

Catchingmockingbirds Thu 31-Jan-13 09:56:39

Get her to tone her make up down? How do you do that then?

With a trovel? grin

BambieO Thu 31-Jan-13 09:59:18

Brown baby! grin as a 'brown baby' myself at least she isn't racist to add into all of her 'flaws' you have detailed so entertainingly snort at the hair

Ds 1 was the same at that age (except for the baby thing, makeup and cleavage) I don't know what the accent was they used, think they made it up!

At 18 he's back to normal.

HortensiaPollard Thu 31-Jan-13 10:00:37

Audrina - my favourite is 'We're going London', or 'We're going McDonalds'.

Should add, dd is mixed race and she leavens her Sarf London chav style with a sprinkling of the most objectionable aspects of black London street culture. Like an enthusiasm for hideously sexist music with loads of swearing and explicit descriptions of sex. She talks about other girls being 'skets'. I'm a feminist and this sort of talk brings me out in a rash. I've tried talking to her about how wrong it is to have double standards of behaviour around sex, how cruel and wrong it is to describe other women as sluts, ho's and bitches, but she's having none of it. She thinks I'm old-fashioned. sad

Goodwordguide Thu 31-Jan-13 10:01:51

Pick your battles I think - school work, home work etc non-negotiable (presumably she must be getting some sort of allowance to pay for the make-up/mobile/music that could be a bargainng tool?).

Make-up etc I think I would let go - isn't that classic teenage girl behaviour?

We usually turn out like our parents in the end, whether we mean to or not - not sure if that is a good thing or not anyway.

mathsconundrum Thu 31-Jan-13 10:02:38

She sounds as if she likes to be popular and wouldn't like not to fit in.Therefore if you had the means to pay for private she'd probably start to fit in there. If you can persuade her to do her A levels and go to university she'll be fine chav or not.

BambieO Thu 31-Jan-13 10:02:42

I actually do feel for you, that does sound pretty painful, it is a pet hate of mine too blush

HortensiaPollard Thu 31-Jan-13 10:03:46

She's really racist - against ginger people. sad Her favoured term of abuse for a boy she doesn't like the look of it 'he's really white you know!'.

If she's describing a boy she see's as 'fit', the description will always start, 'He's mixed race, really buff'. I take some comfort from the fact that she likes men who are similar to her dad (who's great!).

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