To feel so upset regarding contact.

(1000 Posts)

Some of you may know my backstory from the nature of my post. I namechanged a while ago and have been trying to put the past behind me and move forward with 5mo DD.
Me and my ex have a rather volatile relationship. He didn't want me to keep DD. since she has been born he hasn't provided physically or emotionally. He pays half the maintainence he should.
I tried to keep him seeing DD, him coming here, me there (2.5 hour drive). Supervised by me.
I don't want or agree with any child been taken away from their father but he is so inconsistent and to put it bluntly useless it had crossed my mind that it may be better if he goes away.
He has had a new girlfriend who seems to have taken priority since when I was 5 months pregnant.
It's now 22 days since any contact with him. He's ignored my attempts to send pictures and updates and is like to know if I am BU by thinking this is not acceptable and letting it upset me.
I'm a bit of a wreck today. I know this is AIBU but please try to be gentle.

blackeyedsusan Sun 27-Jan-13 16:40:17

use the strength of you mum and dad fo now. there will be a time when you can repay that. I would just let the inlaws fade gradually out of you lives until they can prove that they will not abuse you and look after dd properly.

I hope you all know how much strength you give me

acceptableinthe80s Sun 27-Jan-13 17:08:47

You're torturing yourself trying to 'understand'. You never will, believe me, the sooner you stop trying the sooner you can get on with your life.

If he wants to be a father to his child, let him on your terms. If he can't commit to that, cut him out.
I'm glad you have supportive parents, it makes a huge difference.

DeepRedBetty Sun 27-Jan-13 17:18:47

<waves>

Sorry twunt's mum is being as twuntish as twunt. If her behaviour is continuing to be as arrogant as her son's I think you need to allow your mum to be a firewall against her.

I admire the effort you've put in to trying to build some sort of relationship with her father's family for dd, but frankly they're showing no signs of playing ball and I think you should allow your own male relatives to become the key male role models. Twunt is never going to change and I don't think twunt's mother and father are either.

3littlefrogs Sun 27-Jan-13 21:53:41

I agree 100% with deepredbetty.

Your dd does not need toxic people in her life.

Your own family can provide all the love and role models she needs.

Ignore the whole lot of them, they are making you ill, and they will only cause more trouble for you and your dd further down the line if you encourage them.

Hello it's me here.
Please can I have some advice. Ex twunt has asked to see DD at lunch time tomo by text.
It's 4 weeks today since he saw her and 3 weeks since contact.
What do I do?
I don't want to her to go really, but I don't want it thrown in my face. What do I do?

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 14:13:17

Hi make.

I would just reply back politely that you already have plans today, but are happy to arrange meeting later in the week or at the weekend.

Don't jump because he has clicked.

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 14:14:19

Sorry. That should say you have plans tomorrow.

Keep the ball in your court and you call the shots

Thanks just when I think he has gone he comes back.
There's no excuse for no contact for this long is there shock

Wereonourway Tue 05-Feb-13 14:23:33

I know this feeling aid anxiety that a text can brin so well. I feel for you op.
have you had any legal advice?? This would be good. I felt less alone that I did before hand and felt it went the message that I wouldn't take any bullshit.
I don't think a days notice is enough having not heard anything for three weeks.
Pls make an appointment with a solicitor if you can. Tell then what you want and how you feel about his contact and any concerns you have. Take their advice. That's really all you can do.
The anxiety gets easier, I promise.
You just try to enjoy your beautiful baby. You won't get this precious time back x

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 14:24:28

How are you feeling Make? X

BarbarianMum Tue 05-Feb-13 14:29:08

catinboots gives excellent advice. If he is at all serious about seeing his dd, he will be prepared to make proper plans. When she's older she will really not take to last minute arrangements, will he/won't he be in touch/come and see her so much better to lay down the law at the beginning.

A solicitor and a proper access arrangement would be a really good idea.

I feel on edge if I'm honest.

The legal advice I have is to make him go for a contact arrangement or this will keep happening.
I don't want to see or speak to him. How can he do this? I just want to protect my DD. I am not saying I don't want her to have a Dad, I want her to have a proper one.
He just swans in and out. It me whose trying to make a life for us. Me whose up when she's teething, me she wants when she's upset, me that forces myself to play when I'm ropey, me that's pushing the buggy in snow to walk a dog, me that's trying to go to playgroup. Me that sings, feeds the ducks. Me who sobs on her behalf.

Why should he get these precious minutes with her? She's mine, she's been mine from the minute I wouldn't do what he wanted. He didn't want her, why see her? Why play controlling games.
I want regular contact not this, this is no good for her. He's been busy with his new beau for a month, no so much as a text. I could say he doesn't text as I'm a bitch but I'm not I've asked if he wants updates with no replays, asked if he wants pictures, no reply. I ask because I'm proud of my achievements.
I've had no help from him ever. I've a feeling he's asking to see her as I reopened my CSA case and they will have spoken to him now and he won't want to pay the extra.

I feel sick I don't want that parasite holding my baby ever.

I agree with cat, Ive been in your shoes and the only thing you can do is to stand firm on what you and your DD deserve. I would reply.

'Sorry, tomorrow is not possible. Please let me know a week in advance what contact arrangements you would like and I will do my best to accomodate them.'

No emotions, no questioning, no extra information about what you're doing.

Oh and in my situation I told DS1's father that I wanted a regular arrangement, every week or month. That if he wanted to see him more often we could sort that out but that there had to be a minimum commitment.
He told me is was 'dictating what sort of father he was' and buggered off. The last time he saw DS was about 10 years ago when he was 3 months old.

Im now married to a wonderful man who is a fantastic dad to DS.
Stand strong, dont let him be a dickhead.

It's just so wrong.

Why do I still feel a bitch for saying no?
Ill ignore until tonight I think, do you?

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 16:01:13

Stop besting yourself up. Think about your DD. If she is going to see her father - it needs to be regular, organised contact.

Not just when exDP feels like giving you a headfuck.

Text him tonight saying tomorrow is not onvenient. You are happy for him to see DD next week (specified day, time, place) and you will be expecting him to come to the visit with a plan in place regarding what he proposes re contact.

Sporadic is not good enough. When he feels like it/has got a free day is not good enough. Your DD deserves better.

If his offer is reasonable - you should agree to it. The second he breaks it - deal over.

I know I sound harsh but start thinking with your head. Not your heart. Your DD needs you to do this for her.

(((Hugggs)))

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 16:01:35

Beating not besting obvs

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 16:07:38

For what it's worth - I did this with DS1's dad.

He fucked off or 8 years and got back in contact via Facebook

5 years down the line, we've worked it out and he sees DS1 when he can (he lives abroad)

I now count his as one of my best friends. He came to my wedding and is actually going snowboarding with DH next week! (without me or DS)

I wouldn't have predicted our situation now in a MILLION years.

Keep your chin up beautiful x

catinboots Tue 05-Feb-13 16:08:06

Sorry for the million typos

Thank you smile

I did it I put just what you all said smile

Guess what... No reply.
Says it all

Whocansay Tue 05-Feb-13 20:16:55

I totally agree with Catinboots.

If he can't be bothered to behave like a proper father, that is not your fault. Nothing he's done so far has been what's best for your DD. Just what's best for him. Insist on supervised access through the court.

Hope you're OK.

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